My husband putting money before my well being, what should I do?

My husband and I both pay for our separate bills and split the other costs. I have always made more money than him and mostly paid a bigger portion of the bills. After I had our baby I was depressed going back to work so soon and leaving her at two months. I was out of the house 14 hours a day because of commuting and being away from the baby so long gave me major depression, but he kept telling me not to quit because we have lots of bills.

Finally, I left work knowing I'd get unemployment, which I have now but when I first left he was mad, thinking he'd have to support us on his own. Even if I did need his support, isn't that what a husband should want to do? I have never depended on him financially but I want to know that I can, if the time ever comes. What should I do, this bothers me.

Updates:
many of you have misunderstood my question. I do not now, nor have I ever depended on him financially. I am on unemployment until I can find a job closer to home. I just don't like his reaction at the thought of having to support me. I have always made more money and paid most of the bills without complaint. He pays the phone bill sometimes and his own cc's and that's it. He's never even bought a box of diapers. The burden has always been on me so I expected him to be more understanding.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • What you guys had in the first place does not sound like any marriage I know of. It sounded more like two individuals sharing a place to live. What the hell is that crap about each paying their own stuff and splitting other costs? Especially with you paying most of the split stuff. When I got married I had a job and she was moving to be with me, so it was a while before she had an income. When she did, her money went into the same back account as mine and we paid the bills out of that and used money as needed from that for whatever we needed, either together or individually. It was "ours". None of the "hers" and "mine" crap. When we had our kids, she left work to care for them till they were old enough to socialize at a day care, or when we were on different shifts, we alternated being at home with our children.

    So I see your biggest problem as being the concern of "whose" money it is. You two are supposed to be a team.

    Next was you working a job that required such a long commute. Quality time with your children is more important than spending hours on a commute, even if the job you get pays less.

    If you two cannot change the basis of your marriage, it will not last. You should probably invest in a few hours of couples counseling to straighten your relationship out.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I read this and my first thought went to that of my friends who got married over a year ago. They did the same things... he paid for his bills, and she paid for hers and the only joint thing they paid for was their mortgage and never were the three finances to cross. Sure enough something happened with her health and instead of trying to help her out with the bills during that dire time, he insisted they have separate bills despite her footing some major expenses for him that he'd had when he'd been temporarily out of work. They are getting divorced now. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word. There is no I once you get married, its we... as in, we pay our bills together. This is never more true then when it comes to YOUR kids. You didn't have them by yourself, did you? He's their father right? At the very least, he is completely obligated to helping pay for their care which seems to have alluded his mind. It's shame you're going through this especially as you deal with depression which can be really serious. I would suggest having a really long talk about your finances, your health, your kids, the whole lot because you shouldn't be living like two single roommates living together b/c you're not.

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What Guys Said 13

  • This boy needs to understand that YOU are his wife and that it is his responsibility to take care of you. This family will not go far if he continues to be annoyed about the fact that he's doing most of the supporting of the family because that's what husbands are supposed to do.

    He needs to understand that you are very vulnerable and the moment and you NEED his support (as well as your child). He needs to see that you have just got out of pregnancy and that you are also going through depression.

    It seems to me that you have given so much from yourself to a point where you've become in need of support. He honestly needs to start playing his parts as a husband and father to work harder to support his family while you are still vulnerable without all this complaining BS.

    You may want to write a sincere letter to him so that you can express your words fully and explain yourself more thoroughly to him and so that he can have some quiet time to think and reflect on the letter by himself. You can also contact your parents and his parents or any other relatives to help him understand the situation better.

    Hope this helps and that all goes well.

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  • Yes, you husband should be more understanding. Marriage should be the coming together and consummation of true, deep love.

    We're you two having sex before you got married? I only ask because having sex before marriage can really blind and distort your ability to see the other persons true nature. This can become a problem later on in the marriage when you see each others true face.

    Your husband needs to set aside his foolish, petulant emotions and realize that he married a good, supportive woman. He needs to value you for who you are as a person.

    But it goes both ways. Even though he's a petulant turd, if you are bitter and angry towards him he is going to feel it in his heart and resent you. That us not the way things are going to get resolved.

    Consider the baby and the difficulty single parent children have when they grow older. You cannot siy discard your husband who you promised to love for the rest of your life and believe there will be no consequences. No. It is your baby who will suffer.

    It is in your best interests to make this work. I suggest a soft, humble heart that us vulnerable. It is the most beautiful thing a man can behold. If you keep your soft, vulnerable heart from him, don't expect him to change in your favor. He won't.

    Be feminine. Be his woman. Don't hold anything over his head. You will see him start to come around. When he does, just continue to be his woman, be yourself.

    This will work out. You will be okay.

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  • "My husband and I both pay for our separate bills and split the other costs. I have always made more money than him and mostly paid a bigger portion of the bills. "

    ^ok till now it seems fair since u make more money...

    "After I had our baby I was depressed going back to work so soon and leaving her at two months. I was out of the house 14 hours a day because of commuting and being away from the baby so long gave me major depression, but he kept telling me not to quit because we have lots of bills. "

    ^if u have lots of bills then ya... someone should work... and someone should take care of da baby... if u r da only person who has a better job then i believe u shouldn't quit... nor u should feel depressed since someone else would take care of da baby :)

    "Finally, I left work knowing I'd get unemployment, which I have now but when I first left he was mad, thinking he'd have to support us on his own. "

    ^ugh... well if i was u i'd keep my job... and hire a nanny to take care of da baby... is there any chance u can get back yer job or nah?

    " Even if I did need his support, isn't that what a husband should want to do? I have never depended on him financially but I want to know that I can, if the time ever comes. What should I do, this bothers me."

    ^if there's no chance to get back to yer job... then sorry but u have to depend on him currently... at least :(

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  • You are right, Anonymous. He values money more than you.
    So why does he stay married to you?
    Better question, why did he marry you in the first place?

    Your baby needs you.

    Sounds like your husband needs his money.

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  • This is one of the problems that is faced by people. Whatever people/feminist say to me (ignorant bastard does not want the wife to work which is not the case if she wants it is only okay if I am dead or can't work myself) that is one of the reason I want a housewife and I want to care for her. She is important person in her children's life as well.
    He is obviously a too modern douche. What is a man if he can't take care of his family.

    Now the solution part. Talk to him if he understands about you not wanting to go to work anymore. I know I have known man who beat their wives for money and go drug themselves. or the wife is taking care of the husband and husband is lazy.

    By the way this is one of the things why I like keep staying in my own country despite the technological advantage.

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  • You have a moron husband, why did you choose to be with him, he is clearly incapable of providing for himself and his family, he is neither mentally nor financially, capable of settling.

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  • I think you should tell him exactly how you feel. Since he is your husband, these are things that need to be talked about and not put under the rug. If I were you, I would try and collaborate and make a plan to make everyone happy in the household again.

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  • read this: www.jw.org/.../

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  • Question: Who wanted the baby?

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  • Looks like you married a lemon

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  • Like men don't miss being away from there children. Jeesh

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  • LOL Irony...

    Enjoy the feminist world.

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  • So you unilaterally gave up over half the family income and you're surprised he's upset with you?

    OMFG

    You are so... unbelievably selfish. UGH

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What Girls Said 10

  • That's a long commute regardless of having an infant! Being gone fourteen hours a day in itself isn't worth it so changing your employment situation was a good call on your part. As long as you are planning on going back to working some day (if that's your arrangement) some time off should be okay.

    I wouldn't say he's in the wrong for being concerned over finances. An infant is expensive and if you had a previous arrangement on how money was handled in the household a solution should have been agreed upon by the two of you. He probably sees the unemployment as a temporary solution and worries that when the time comes you won't return to work and leave all of the financial burdens on him. And if he made far less than you do, that's a lot for a person to mentally process. People get comfortable in financial situations so change can bring about conflict. I think you two should work up a plan with a time frame as to when you go back to work, with something that has less of a commute. Even if it means you won't make as much, it would at least be a compromise.

    He should have supported your decision more if it was so taxing on your well being. But many times it's hard to tell just how much someone is suffering if you aren't in their shoes. Maybe talk to him about it again explaining how tiring the commute was, and how a different solution will be beneficial to you, you child, and him in the long run. He's thinking in the present which is good, but try to open his mind up to the future. A fourteen hour day just isn't feasible for a mother of an infant, you were bound to wear yourself out sooner or later, and it would most likely have caused some damage to the relationship.

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  • You are the mother of his child, yes he should want to support you for a while, a least until you get over your PND and find work (if you want to work).

    You don't say what country you are from, so I have no idea what you are entitled to from the state. Here he the UK you can claim Child benefits and tax credits which can help.

    Why do men behave like this, you and his child should be the centre of his life.

    As for what to do, I don't know, you could save future money you earn and place in a private account. My boyfriend and me, have a joint account, current and savings, all our money goes in together because we are together.(we spend each others money, well I spend his as well :) )

    A joint account so I've been told is old fashioned, but it works.

    Anyway, I hope you get over your PND soon and you get all the time with your baby that you need.

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  • Yeah he should really try to understand and let you stay home with the baby. Thats what he should do. You need to have a long serious talk and/or need marriage counseling. That kind of depression is pretty bad

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  • You guys have been roomates for so long... why did you suddenly think he'd turn into a husband? I don't get it.

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  • The baby really needs you at the moment. He should of thought this out, knowing there was a baby!. Tell him to grow up and think of his family.

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  • can you guys really afford everything still? still, 14hrs a day sounds hard so soon, and y'all aren't paying for daycare so that saves a lot.

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  • If he wanted to quit his job and stay home with the baby, would you have let him?

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    • Yes but he didn't want to and he isn't capable of caring for her alone

    • Show All
    • He was only worried about money. I cried on my way to work everyday. Anyone who has a child knows how hard that is but to be away from her all day then to get home and she's sleeping and only spend a few hours with her, it felt wrong not just for me but for the baby. She didn't know I was her mom and it felt unnatural.

    • Well he's just a jerk then. I mean it's understandable that he was concerned about your financial situation and to want to discuss that with you but to put that before your feelings is just rude. Maybe you should take the other girl's advice and try some marriage counseling? Having a new baby can be difficult.

  • Did you even talk to him about his before just leaving your job and expecting him to take of things in the meantine? That can and will cause resentment. He told you not to and you did anyways.

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    • I do not expect him to take care of things in the meantime. I am still paying the bills. You obviously didn't read what I wrote.

  • Either refuse to have more children until he agrees to change his ways or divorce him.

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    • Which raises the question: who wanted the kid?

    • @Curmudgeon it was an unplanned pregnancy but we both agreed to have this baby

  • You need to really talk to him about that. See a marriage counselor if you have you.

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