My husband has a POF account?

[Anonymous]

So-- my husband and I are both logged into our emails on my laptop and he got a POF (plenty of fish) notification for new matches... naturally I became a super sleuth and found a way to log in to his account. It was made about 6 months ago, with very recent pictures of him. He put that he was single, looking for women, and all kinds of other information.

When I confronted him, he told me that he doesn't even remember making the profile and that it was sooooo long ago (despite the recent pics) and pretty much trying to find a way to justify it. There were no messages going in or out, and he says that he most likely made it out of spite after an argument, or whatever. I had my girlfriend come pick me up before I got too angry, and on my way out he yelled "when you come back, make sure you bring divorce papers with you!"

I don't know how I should be feeling. He didn't have any messages, but I think that it's still very disrespectful, despite what his motives were for making one. I love my husband dearly, and this seems so shady and out of character... he is about to deploy soon, I am about to go mad.

[WalterRadio]

You didn't say where he was deploying to. If to a combat zone, he is scared, and you are too.

When a guy has a girl (wife or girlfriend), if she is providing everything he needs, then he doesn't go looking elsewhere.

What this means is that you are not giving him everything he needs. It may not be possible for one woman to do that. What he needs might be "more than one woman". It may not be physical at all, it may be that he just wants to know that women want him. It may just his fantasy. Remember too, that for men, love and sex are different. Not so for most women.

The thing that concerns me is the lack of open communication between you two. He is lying to you because he thinks you would give him grief and get upset if you knew what he were doing.

He either values the relationship or he would leave. In the latter case, this is his escape route that he is building before he drops the bomb on you. You should find out which it is, probably the former.

He is also lying to his potential flings, which means he doesn't know how to find women who knowingly date married men or has no intention of escalating beyond the virtual or hasn't thought through how that would go if he did. He presumes women (this includes you) can't handle the truth. In most cases, he is right. Imagine the conversation, "Honey, I'm setting up a profile on POF. Maybe I'll get lucky." What would you say to that? My guess is that you would blow a gasket.

One thing that works for far more couples than you realize is to give him permission to have flings, but with your rules that he is agrees with his heart to (not telling you what you want to hear), whatever those are. Some couples swing, but you two don't have the trust and communication going to make that work and it is not for everyone.

Here is what I think you should do. Open your communication. Each of you need to trust each other enough that you can say anything without upsetting the other. You may have to really work at this and bite your tongue. Tell him, you understand his secrecy, that you know he is protecting your feelings. But he doesn't have to do that, that you know he is not perfect, but he is yours. Go to the site and tell him to "pick out a girl he likes", and have fun with it. "What will she do to you, sergeant? Is she going to be like, this?" If he is just looking for a fantasy, and you share that with him, you'll have a great night. Plus, you may be able to keep it in the fantasy zone. Sort of like porn for couples.

[TravisG]

Seem like he did it put of anger. Instead of leaving you could have talk things out until he made an agreement to delete it since he wasn't talking to women. So it's not too bad, but still wrong. I think y'all love that y'all use to have is leaving and try to get over it and find a way to get y'all love back.

[Anonymous]

He was agressive with his words maybe he didn't want to do something BUT he has a profile on a dating site that he created while being married.

That's not a good signed.

You need time and I think it was a good idea to leave your house for a while because a fight was going to be worse.

[chrisbigman]

Wow!!! This guy of yours is a dick. I don't care if he's part of the military - especially if he hasn't even deployed yet - nobody should treat their spouse like this. My guess is he's an idiot and was trying to justify his actions like you said. I wonder if he had or is having second thoughts about marrying you. I'm not saying he has any valid reason to, but why else would he post a POF account? This guy sounds like he's just following the societal crowd of marriage and joining the military.