Am I overeacting??

Me and my girl have been together for almost 2 years. I proposed 5 months ago and we are waiting to finish out another year before we get married. When we first started dating she had dependency issues and PTS from her ex boyfriend who was verbally abusive and controlling. He stalked us for 6 months, showing up at our place and watching us through windows, hacking our emails, following us every time we move. She had a hard time letting him go because of her dependency issues and he would always threaten to kill himself if she didn't call him everyday. After she was able to get over all that things have been smooth. The guy left us alone after I got the cops involved, We have no problems whatsoever relationship wise, although the things he said to both of us still haunt us. He told me to never trust her and that she cheats a lot, and he told her that I was going to act like him and control her. Blah blah blah. We are both Madly in love now, engaged, living together, and things are perfect. The only thing, I fear putting my foot down because I don't want her to think I'm becoming him. a few days ago one of the girls she dated for a day in high school emailed her about how she was the best she ever had etc. I got offended...asked her to delete her or send her a message saying its rude to send an engaged friend something like that...The other week she accepted a friend request from one of her old flings (she was with him for 6 months) as a friend on MySpace. I felt uncomfortable because the guy has photos on his page where he is half naked and he looks like a male model. She sometimes tells me she missed being his friend, and I've noticed that she looks at his photos on MySpace when I'm not around. I didn't say anything because I'm chill, but yesterday he commented on one of her photos then left a message on her page asking to see her titties then talked about a birthday cake she got him when they were dating. I got really offended even if it was a joke and demanded her to delete him. I know that part of a relationship is accepting someones past, and learning to overcome small things like this, but I hate putting my foot down, and I'm wondering why she even adds these people. I bitched in a calm way, told her that we need to make a promise to not add or talk to our exes because so far, all of hers are NUTTS. My question is, am I over reacting? She agreed and deleted him, complained a little...But why? I removed my exes a long timee ago out of respect.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is a very complicated relationship by the sound of it, and I think the best course of action is to simply just talk it all out. Let her know how you feel and make her understand that you love her and won't do anything to hurt her.

    It seems like any other relationship, its has its ups and downs, and the best course of action is probably just being straight forward and honest with her. I know it might be hard, but it sounds like she loves you and you shouldn't take that for granted (by the sound of it, I know you won't. You seem like a respectable guy.)

    However, if this seems to be becoming a problem, you probably should consider outside help like a therapist or a couple's counselor. I wish you good luck and hope everything turns out right.

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What Girls Said 5

  • The way I see it, talking to exes is acceptable if there's no chance of cheating or anything like that. Obviously the stalker one is something else entirely so it's good you got the police involved there. But as for the others, you need to talk to your fiancĂ©e and just let her know that it makes you uncomfortable when they message her with things like that. Be straight with her and tell her what you said here - that you absolutely do NOT want to become that controlling guy, it's just that these messages are getting to you because the way you see it, it's inappropriate to say to someone who's going to be getting married; that you're not trying to say she can't have friends, but they shouldn't be crossing lines. Do it over a relaxing drink or something and you shouldn't seem controlling. Good luck!

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  • I don't think that you overreacted she should not do that she can have friends and so can you but when they are exs that is where we draw the line because you dated them for a reason and if she gets pressured enough something may happen you are doin the right thing by stoppin this before it goes any further

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  • usually we date people because we like them...and even if it doesn't work out as a boyfriend its great having that person in your life. But I believe that if it makes one person in the realtionship uncomfortable, then the other needs to respect that. But maybe "delete him" shouldn't have been your first response. But telling him that "my boyfriend thinks its disrespectful to talk about my tities with you, we need to keep this relationship G" is a good first move. But do what you have to do, I think your doing ok!

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    • Thank you. I hate that she doesn't do these things on her own though. I want her to do the dirty work and tell these people things like that, not me.

  • I totally think you are justified! What these guys are doing is wrong and you have a right to be upset. Obviously her exes are bad news so you are right to watch out for her and your relationship. If you have cut off contact with your exes then she should follow your lead.

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  • well, him asking her to show him her titties... that sounds like a red flag. I mean, she's engaged to you, why would she want to do that?

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What Guys Said 3

  • I totally understand what you're saying...you're not overeacting, just concerned.

    However I think if your friend was acting sensibly for both you and her own sake, she shouldn't be adding any more such people to her social circle. But I'm guessing she's the really friendly and social type, so she needs 'her' social time every now and then so to speak...

    So what do you do under such circumstances? Well I would suggest you give her space where she needs it. What you need to do to make sure she stays away from her past 'stalker' bf, you need to differentiate yourself between him and you. And you do this by giving her what she needs 'socially' without making her feel uneasy and controlled. Most importantly you want to be more 'forgiving' to her past friends and allow her the freedom to make the friends she wants. If I was you that's what I would do. This is because love is not always just about between two people...it's also about connecting with other people around that love. :)

    That said it's totally ok to have ex's as friends...(I've had too!) but only up to a certain point. If someone like that showed up in my life, and asked my girl rude questions I think it is right for one to have them removed.

    Wish you both the best of luck and success!

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  • You have the right to be offended, and want those people gone. But demanding it probably isn't the best course of action. In a relationship things should be talked about, and agreed upon. None of this "you do this right now" sort of thing. Relationships are about equality, among other things. So yeah she did need to delete that guy because he was being inappropriate, but still you should have talked about it with her rather than demanding it.

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  • Man.

    With all respect you gotta relax over these situations with girls flirting with other guys. It happens. Whatever country. Whatever place your in. I know it's not great and to be honest I feel for you and sympathise with you as if your in a relationship and engaged you don't want this sort of stuff going on. One problem you will find with people in general though is the more you try and control them the more you also push them away from you. One tactic a lot of guys trying to get with a guy that has already got a girl use is to go in as a friend and then try and get the boyfriend to act all controlling and jealous and play off it. It's simple and works a lot of the time. Try to just keep calm.

    Really - if you guys are getting engaged this shouldn't be going on. If I was you I'd have done the same thing. I'd have asked what was going on. You gotta put some control down in a relationship but it's hard to balance. A lot of girls often like to be able to still talk with other guys and havfe some kind of freedom when in a relationship. Age factors in as well - what age you guys are you are still young - I mean - your in the 20's and that happens.

    I'd just trust your gut instinct. If you feel something bad is going on then act on it. The trouble dude is wherever you go you can't keep an eye on your girl 24/7 just like she can't on you.

    I hate to say this but maybe that psycho ex did have some truth in what he said about her cheating or looking at other guys. Her behaviour is in no way in line with someone I'd be getting engaged to.

    Just talk to her about it. See what she says. All you can do. As for that ex of her's he sounds a complete freak show.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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