What Do You Think of This Article (calling all older/wiser and "honest to a fault" GaGers!)?

So... I don't know what to make of this article. Stop the presses because this only happens once in a blue moon! xD

I've never read anything quite like what this author has shared. The woman in me and the hard headed pragmatist are clashing over it. What are your thoughts? Older/wiser GaGers - Can you understand where the wife and/or the husband is coming from? Honesty buffs - Should he have answered from the heart? Or white-lied and had her remain confused as to why the advances were one-sided?

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/i_have_never_turned_heads_what_its_like_when_youre_not_the_object_of_desire/

"My husband is honest enough to say that he has never found my body particularly desirable, but still he asked me out on our first date three years ago because he found my way of being in the world, my sense of humor and my intelligence, sexy. “That matters more,” he says, “and makes you beautiful to me.” Sometimes that to me breaks my heart a little bit; sometimes it makes me feel loved."


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Im not "older/wiser" but i want to respond anyways..

    Well first thing that struck out was this
    "In my mid-twenties, I had an affair with a man who had just turned sixty"

    I'm wondering if she means she just had a fling before she got married or if she cheated on her husband :/

    Its possible the husband night have a low sex drive which makes him put less importance on sex/sttraction in relationships. Maybe a sapiosexual or demisexual.

    From the wife's perspective, I've heard that girls do like feeling beautiful/sexy. It's interesting tho, because the girls who are constantly told they are beautiful or are known for their sex appeal often long for people to value them for things other than her looks. It seems like the wife in this article has the opposite perspective. She's never experienced that and longs to know the feeling of being the subject of someones sexual desire. Could be a case of you want what you don't have.

    Whether or not it wold have been better for the husband to lie depends on the result in my opinion. For example if the result of him lying was more positive than the result of him telling the truth. Unfortunately it can't be known.

    In some cases the truth can give people piece of mind and relief. In other cases the white lie is better, it really depends on the individuals involved and what the topic is.

    Also if he had lied and said he finds her attractive, would she have believed him?
    Doesn't his actions say otherwise?

    He never looks at her or touches her with desire, rarely initiates. She's probably know it was a lie based on the way he acts.

    All he did was tell her what she's probably suspected all along.

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    • This was a bad ass take on the article.

      Extra pts for irreconcilable truth:

      "Also if he had lied and said he finds her attractive, would she have believed him?
      Doesn't his actions say otherwise?

      He never looks at her or touches her with desire, rarely initiates. She's probably know it was a lie based on the way he acts.

      All he did was tell her what she's probably suspected all along."

What Guys Said 4

  • "those who ask cannot hide from the answer." If she didn't want to know then she shouldn't have asked. Though that does remind me of an old turkish saying, "He who fires the arrow of truth should have one foot in the stirrup." They where both wrong, she should not have asked and he should have either better explained himself or not have been with her at all if he didn't find her attractive. Though I think its also a bit selfish on her part due to her, one cheating, and two the fact that she essentially treated the man she cheated with the same way her husband treated her ie was not physically attractive to her. I do think you lose the right to complain when you do the behavior you complain about yourself. It seems to be rife with self pity. I understand that women are biologicly inclined to want to be desired for there physical looks but I really don't see a reason to complain if some one does love you. I think that its a bit on the narcisistic side, "tell me I'm pretty, and also how great I am." We will always have flaws but its how everything comes together. I have seen plenty of women who where initally unattractive but the more I knew them the more attractive they became because I was able to see/connect with them mentally which in turn made them more physically attractive. The inverse is also true, there are women who may be attractive but there personallities are so off putting that they become phsyically unattractive to me. So all in all, the husband probably shouldn't have phrased it the way she did, and she shouldn't have thrown her pity party. So I guess both parties where in the wrong.

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  • Really, I'm a little put off by it. The lady sounds sad or melancholy more than happy. But isn't that what you hear a lot of women say they want, someone who appreciates and loves them for who they are not what they look like. Really, it seems like a life without passion, or at least in one half of the relationship. I guess though that she has found some sense of comfort and closure from his truthfulness. The question is whether that is enough for her cause it kind of seems like its not.

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  • That husband was an idiot to say such a thing to his wife. If he doesn't find her attractive and desirable, why is he with her? Yes, personality matters, but so does physical attraction. This guy told his wife she has never passed his physical attraction test. She is feeling hurt because he is telling her in his own weird way that she has been wasting her time with him.

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  • This is actually something that's been studied: in relationships where the man is more attractive, the couple is likely to be unhappy (or to separate).

    Women, as far as I can tell, want to be desired. When they aren't the object of desire, they're disturbed and anxious.

    Typically, I think it's because they know that deep down, they know he could replace her. And so she doesn't feel "stability" in the way she wants (ie, control). He has the power, and she doesn't.

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