Should I take his last name when we get married?

I'd rather we both hyphenate both our last names.

He wants me to take his last name, said that any kids we have must have his last name, and told me that he won't take my last name in any form (because neither of us like my dad).

He also said there is no point in getting married if I'm not going to take his last name.

I'm not really opposed to taking his last name other than I want to know why he wants me to (which he refuses to tell me) and I don't want the same last name as his mother (she flirts with him, uses him, talks badly about him, and expects him to be a mama's boy (he used to be one, but got over it when we got engaged)).

I'd appreciate a guy's opinion on why he might not want to tell me the reason he wants me to take his last name. I'd also apreciate opinions from guy's and gal's on why I should take his last name, hyphenate, or keep my last name.

Thanks in advance for voting and giving opinions.

  • Take his last name
    45% (28)72% (34)57% (62)Vote
  • Keep maiden name
    23% (14)13% (6)18% (20)Vote
  • Hyphenate both names
    32% (20)15% (7)25% (27)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

2|0
14|16

Most Helpful Guy

  • I like the idea of the girl keeping her last name. It is her identity so why mess with it! I would not be marrying her for her last name and I would rarely use it, so what is the big deal?

    It is tradition, but traditions are not laws - they are just guidelines.

    If she wanted to keep her last name, I would have no issues! There are much more important things in a relationship to worry about ;)

    3|0
    0|0
    • Thanks for the MH. I think most guys would say it is disrespectful not to take his last name... I say it is disrespectful to make someone take your last name. If they want to do it willingly that is fine, but having an argument over something so minor, seems pretty immature.

What Guys Said 15

  • While you may not agree with it, he wants you to take his last name because he holds a traditional view of marriage and that's the way it's traditionally done because you are going to be his wife... well maybe you are.. I always thought hyphenating names was a stupid solution. Imagine your kids getting married. They'll have the longest most impossible and annoying last names on the face of the planet.

    Personally I'd like you guys to take all the letters of your surnames, write them on a piece of paper, throw them in a jar then randomly draw one letter at a time until you complete a new surname of 5-7 characters in length. It'll still be an annoying last name, but at least it'll be half as long as anything else you come up with.

    5|3
    1|2
  • I assume it is the custom in the culture you are in. Hyphenated names are cumbersome and carry their own baggage. Unless there is some good reason to do otherwise, it is easiest to go with the way of your culture.

    By the way, one good reason for keeping your own last name is if you have begun a career with it. If you are a doctor or a lawyer, you are best to keep you own name. Changing it causes loss of continuity for some clients.

    3|2
    0|0
  • It's kinda like a normal tradition, I don't really know why. But if I get married I would want my wife to take my last name too. I can't really explain why but thats just what I want.

    2|1
    0|2
    • I enjoy doing things for people I love (especially my fiancĂ©) and doing things to make them happy. I do most things (within reason) he asks me to. But, I want to know the reason why. It's driving me nuts trying to figure out why since he changes the subject if I ask.

    • Its tradition - but its also the tradition and concept of a girl leaving her family home, to join your family. She becomes a part of your family, leaves her father etc (hence the "giving away" thing at the marriage) much more than you leave your family (most men still have their mother who wants looking after - hence the traditional tension between mother in law and daughter in law!). Just the way our society has been traditionally built but it is of course changing rapidly and radically as of recent years. I think if you like and want that traditional family of old then go for it - take his name. If you don't - then don't!

    • @Tellytubby Originally the woman took her husband's last name to show she was no long property of her father but property of her husband. I completely hate that aspect of it (but, who doesn't?). Most couples spend more time with the wife's family than with the husbands. That's one of the reasons mother's tend to have a harder time (or sometimes refuse to) letting go of their sons. I get along great with his family - better than he does. The MIL/DIL issues have caused some women to start a new tradition (that I would personally love to have at my and fiance's wedding reception.) The mother of the groom cuts the strings off an apron then hands them to the bride and gives a little speech acknowledging she is no longer first in her son's life and that his wife is. It gets rid of the power struggle between them as the mother lets the wife know she won't be fighting to come first. The wife can then relax and feel secure. Sets the stage for a better relationship.

  • For me its about what the man is expected to do. If you expect him to romance you, this means you expect him to funcion as a providor (at least more so then you) if you expect him to protect you (whether that is some guy groping you, an attempted mugging in an alley or just investigating the noise you heard in the kitchen late at night) then it is only reasonable you take his last name because that means he has more invested in you, one, and two, the original taking of the name came from the fact that the man was expected to protect and provide for his family by taking on his name it signified that you where now apart of his family and therefore under his protection, what ever happened to you reflected on him. So if you are in an equal relationship and I do mean equal in all respects where he never pays for you he has absolutely no obligation what so ever to protect you then hypenate your names or keep your maiden one. IF however, you do expect him to romance you, you expect him to provide for you (again this doesn't mean everything but rather a noticable percentage more then you ie he pays for dinner when you go out most of the time) if you expect him to come to your defense then it is only reasonable that you take his last name as per tradition. Obviously its your choice. As for why he doesn't say the fact is a man gets flack for most everything he does, saying that you not taking his name would essentially be like having him pay for dinner having him pay for the movie but not calling it a date, would be rather offensive. It would be a rejection, your way of saying you don't need him, and everyone but particularly men need to be needed. So that is most likely the reason why he wants you to take his name and why he doesn't want to tell you.

    0|0
    1|1
    • He doesn't work and I do. I do everything around the house, pay all our bills, and I'm the one that investigates the noises. He won't defend me at all (his family has hit me for no reason and he defended them not me, same thing any time I feel he should defend me). Heck, I was paying his rent before we got engaged. I defend him any time someone says something bad about him. I know none of that will ever change.

    • Show All
    • I'd like premarital counseling but his response was "Why pay someone to judge us when my mom will counsel us for free?". I'm not going there. His mom isn't a counselor and thinks she owns him. Plus, I actually get along better with her than he does.

    • Well you should probably confront him and tell him that his mother issues are the problem because they won't go away and just because you can deal with it now doesn't necessarily mean you will be able to deal with it later. Though obviously its your choice, just preceed with caution.

  • Well sure he might not like your dad but the question is whether you like the last name you have itself. If you like it, why ditch it?

    Hyphenation is cool.

    2|0
    0|0
    • He has a cool, less common last name. No one understands me when I say my last name.

    • It is up to you if you prefer it to your own

  • A or B, but don't hyphenate. If your kids were to do the same and they got married the names would wind up sounding like a law firm.

    Meet Mr. Anderson-Kawasaki-Gomez-Wachinski.

    2|1
    0|0
  • My wife uses both names, It depends on the activity etc.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Hyphenated names are dumb, just take his name. Imagine what happens a few generations down the road.

    "I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Keller-Stevens-Brown-Montgomery-Adams-Malkovich-Urich-Dunn-Smith-Jones"

    0|1
    0|0
  • Keep your name, you're not an object of property. Or have the both of you hyphenate.

    2|0
    0|0
  • Do what you want?

    0|0
    0|0
  • I would have said take his last name... but since my ex kept hers. I guess meet in the middle and hyphenate!
    But think about this: when your kid with the hyphenated name marries another with hyphens... that's 4 last names if they choose to hyphenate when they marry! When will the madness end?

    0|0
    0|0
  • He has made it clear that he won't marry you if you and any kids take his last so that leaves you with only two options eithe take his last name or move on. No option 2 Keep Maiden name or 2 hyphenate both names.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Well someone who disrespects your wishes from the start doesn't seem like a great candidate for a long term coupling

    • Show All
    • I told him I was going to post this and he agreed that I can go with what people vote.

    • I guess you may take his last name then.

  • Whatever. Do whatever.

    Actually, keep your maiden name. It will make the divorce less messy.

    0|0
    0|0
  • My mom hyphenated hers, as a compromise. Successful relationships, are built on compromise

    1|0
    0|0
    • He doesn't seem to be compromising though. He told her what is GOING to happen which leaves no room for compromise.

    • Then that should give her, her answer

  • I would not marry a woman who will not take my last name. Not so much because I want her to have my name, but because of what it says about her priorities and mindset.

    I have never met a married woman who kept her maiden name or hyphenated who I could stand being around for long.

    0|0
    1|1
    • I have met women who kept their own maiden name and they were still married

    • Show All
    • If you go into a marriage with one person giving in and the other not compromising, someone will end up resenting the other. Marriages (or most relationships for that matter) can not work without both parties compromising, working together, and trust. Refusing to budge on an issue is not compromising. It says "I know how you feel but I don't care because my wants and feelings are more important". That's why I wanted to know his reasoning because it hurts to have the person you love say your feelings don't matter.

    • @Asker Please reread my initial response. It's not about compromise. It's about the personality and mindset of a woman who would insist on keeping her maiden name or hyphenating going into a marriage. It speaks volumes about her priorities and how she views men and marriage.

      As I said, every woman I have ever met who kept her maiden name or hyphenated had certain personality traits and a certain mindset, and I would never marry a woman like that.

      I truly don’t care what name my wife goes by, but I have zero tolerance or respect for women with the mindset I’m talking about.

What Girls Said 14

  • He idea that if a guy is making more money and such that you should take his name. You are not his property, and that's the only reason this is a tradition; because the daughter was given away and belonged to her husband rather than her father after marriage.

    I've grown up my entire life with my name. It's on my birth certificate, my license, my social security card, my accounts. Getting married doesn't change who I am.
    "But you won't be one family, you'd be mr something and ms something else" if the man honestly cared about the single name family thing then he would have no problem taking MY name.

    "What about children's names?" I'm willing to let them have the fathers last name. It's usually done that way anyways even when people aren't married. The baby grows and is nurtured by and comes out of the mother, the fathers last name is his way of feeling like he really is part of his baby's life and lineage.

    Not to mention all he god damn paper work of changing your legal documents, getting new passports and all that, and if you're a professional it's even worse.

    I don't see why make children don't get the fahers name and he girls get the mothers name. That way brh women and men have their own lineages carried on, and not just the man's while the woman's lineage is forgotten and renamed.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Have two girls and two boys. One of each gets the mom's last name and one of each gets the dad's last name. It'd be more fair that way.

    • Not everyone woman wants to squeeze out four kids lol
      But if he wife only has one kid and it's a girl, she won't be carrying on the fathers name anyways since most girls change it, so I don't see he problem with a girl keeping the mothers last name

  • I really really don't like this aspect of marriage, I think it's really awful that men still expect it and are so adamant it has to happen. I find it creepy and possessive when they take that attitude that you have to change your name or there is no point. My boyfriend said that to me when I said I doubted I would take his name. I already have a name, I don't need a new one. That isn't my family's name.

    3|3
    1|3
    • Well women want men to get married to them as a sign of their commitment and love its the same as when a man wanting his wife to take his last name as a sign of commitment. A wife tsking her husbands surname might be an outdated tradition but then again you could say the same of the whole marriage concept. My wife had the same notion as you about keeping her maiden name but my attitude was why get married at all if we are not following tradition which is needlessly expensive, she eventually caved when she realised I was never going to marry her if she was unwilling to take my name and give any kids my name. It was just how strongly I felt about it and was the one thing I couldn't give an inch on in our relationship.

    • Show All
    • Well most men wouldn't refuse to be with you they just wouldn't marry you over the whole name thing. a lot guys I know talk about how they'd never get married anyway as its an antiquated institution and the condsider it like slavery.

    • @jaydogs1990 I can't get on board with that, you marry a prick that's your doing. Not woman kinds doing.

      That suits me fine, I never wanted to get married - don't see the point, just my guy thought he wanted to be married to have kids. After nine years with me he has started to see it as pointless too.

  • Tricky business.

    It's kind of tradition for the wife to take the husband's name. But if you don't want to then that's your call.

    Why not come up with a new name? These people got married and both changed their last name to Awesome. You could do that. Then you would be technically taking his name and he wouldn't be taking yours and you'd cut the ties from both sides.

    2|0
    0|0
  • If you want to hyphenate it, do it. It is a fair solution and I don't see why he is being so hell bent on this. he should understand your side. It is not like you are staying with your last name only, anyways.

    Ah and people don't marry each other just to take last names, but because they want to commit to the love they have together.

    So... what's the prob? He should think again and get used to the idea, unless he has another valid excuse as to why you can't hyphenate it.

    I will probably do the same. Honestly, it makes sense in this day and age.

    2|0
    0|1
    • oh. i didn't read it well

      well he doesn't have to hyphenate his name. that would be fairly weird for other people

      So maybe only u hyphenate it

  • first off. not all traditions are bad. you taking his name means that you belong to him. And no not in a slave or lesser human way. you're still equals. it just shows that you are completely his and no longer your families. you two are going to create your own family. another option is both of you choose a new last name that you two come up with on your own.

    3|1
    1|2
    • Join my family and forget about you own, this is why it sucks!

    • Show All
    • @GirlScout sure.

  • Until he tells you WHY he wants you to change your name, I think you should plan on hyphenating. When he tells you, you can make a more balanced decision.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Yeah. I don't see why he won't just tell me.

  • Does he know that marriage is MORE than what someone's last name is going to be? He sounds pretty childish right now though I don't know him.

    Do what you want. Don't let him influence you in ANY way, because it is going to be attached to YOU.

    I personally haven't seen any man with a hyphenated females name and I think he may not want to do it because it can come off as strange or, if he cares about what people think, effeminate. He might want you to take only his name due to tradition. Many people see any kind of deviation from that as strange or worse.

    I think you answered your own question though. You don't really want to take his last name. So keep yours.

    0|0
    0|0
  • What kind of person says there's "no point" in getting married if you won't take his last name? It's like he's trying to claim you or something.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I think you should do what you feel is best lol. Like, I think any one of these options would be fine. It just comes down to what you truly want.

    0|0
    0|0
  • it's just tradition
    in my culture, the maiden name becomes her middle name and all the kids take her maiden name as their middle name too
    that's another way you can do it

    0|1
    0|0
  • Two solutions:
    1. Legally, keep your maiden name but go by his in social situations. You're Jane Doe at the DMV but you're Jane Smith at his Aunt Petunia's wedding. It saves you a lot of paperwork.
    2. Take his last name and make your maiden name your middle name. Instead of being Jane Marie Doe you are now Jane Doe Smith. You get to have both.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Uhm, men don't take the woman's name.. it's weird.. lol Just take his name.. and let your kids take his name.. it's easy that way.

    0|1
    0|0
    • Why would you do it just because it's easy?

    • Why would you not do it?

    • The tradition of the woman taking the man's name started when the woman went from being her father's property to being property of her husband. The children having their dad's last name was to show who they belonged to. A tradition that started out to say "Look! I have a new owner!" isn't everyone's idea of a good thing.

  • He wants that because it's normal... It's traditions and it's what happens when people get married. It's normal for him to want that but completely abnormal for you to not want that. Not to be rude it's just weird and he wants to just be married like a normal couple.

    I don't mean any offense by this but the only people I've ever know to have a problem and not being proud to take their husbands name have been feminazi wingnuts.

    He'd probably be embarrassed because it would come across as you're ashamed of or not proud to have him as your husband or you're trying to emasculate him.

    0|1
    0|1
    • Is it to much to expect him to tell me why he wants me to take his name?

    • I mean I just think that's the normal course of action. I think it'd be more appropriate for you to explain why you don't want to follow normal social traditions. I understand you can make that decision of you want but it should be easy enough for you to understand that it may be emasculating to him or may make him f eel like you aren't proud to be his wife. It's super hard for a man to admit when you chop his balls off, their ego is like a little baby kitten you have to be gentle with lol! Plus if he does view it as a feminazi stance on the issue he can't very well tell you that without causing a huge argument.

  • If you're not really opposed to it or have a good reason not to, might as well. It's just tradition.

    1|1
    1|1
    • I don't make any changes without a good reason. He won't give me a reason so... My reason for the choice will be because strangers voted and it won :-)

    • Show All
    • It would be a crappy reason if it was hurting someone or went against their beliefs, but our world is filled with harmless customs and traditions that people follow. It's what shapes our culture.

      I don't see the harm if no one is being hurt, and if it was me in this case, since I don't feel strongly about it one way or the other but know that this tradition would be emotionally fulfilling to my partner and the person I love - it's a no-brainer.

    • Thank you! finally, someone gets it.

Loading...