I've dates this girl for over 18 months now. She's brilliant, beautiful, sweet natured, large breasted, genuinely cares about me, loves to play video games, etc. Seems perfect...
BUT, she doesn't like to kiss (she thinks saliva is gross), she's not very affectionate or huggy, she's extremely anxious about nearly everything in life, she has very low self esteem, and our sex life dropped from daily to monthly due to environmental factors and high stress in her life (at least that's what it seems like and she tells me).
This girl is wonderful, but she comes with a lot of emotional baggage. I worry that things won't get better due to the nature of her personality. If we get married, will she be so worried about everything that it will just make life depressing? I'm on the fence between optimist and pessimist, and she's a definite pessimist. My mother does not like her, not as a person, but as "not the right one for me" she thinks the girl isn't warm enough for me.
I don't know what to do. I'm the happiest and saddest with her. I can honestly say that I have had both extremes with her. I've honestly thought about proposing to her in a year. Sometimes this thought makes me filled with joy and excitement, and other times I want to cry. I feel like I'm settling sometimes, and I don't want to bear the burden of her anxieties all the time.
Does anyone have similar stories? Advice? Suggestions? Anything?
Most Helpful Girl
First, you are being a good boyfriend trying to understand your girlfriend's emotional needs. Not everyone can be so understanding or patient about stuff like this.
Having said that, I totally understand what you are going through. And I am going to speak to you from my own experience. Here are the signs that I see and questions that are brought on:
1) Do you know how she was with her previous relationships? I'm saying this because emotional baggages don't just rise by themselves. They are caused by PTS (post traumatic syndrome) resulted from some unfortunate experiences. Did someone such as a boyfriend, a friend, or a family member leave her by any chance? This, unfortunately, triggers almost 100% of the time, some self-esteem problems.
2) Do you know if she's always had a problem with kissing or is this something that she started with you?
3) What are the stress factors in her life at the moment? Work, school, family, friends? Has she talked about them with you? In other words, has she come to you for support?
4) You've been with her for over 18 months. Have you started seeing these problems just recently or from the beginning?
In any event, I would highly recommend (and this is the 1st time I ever actually recommend anything) that you wait. I'm not saying that you should not propose to her, but a marriage is a huge step. I can read from your writing that you do in fact have doubts about your future with her and that you feel that you may be settling if you continue. I unfortunately made a mistake of ignoring any issues that I had felt deep down and went ahead and married a person who apparently had a history of emotional problems, and I suffered a great deal from it.
If you feel so strongly about the person that you are sure that you will be able to stand by no matter what, then it is a blessing. If you do have any doubts, then you will by all means need to talk it over with the person and figure out what you two can do to help resolve some of the issues.