Planning a wedding my mother doesn't want any part of because my fiance is a different ethnicity. Tips on how to deal with the situation? See details?

The only reason my mom does not approve of my fiance is because he is not arab and is a jew years younger. He treats me well, is very respectful to my parents and is highly educated - a doctor.

I introduced my parents to him almost a year ago with the intention of marriage. A few weeks ago I told my parents again I want to get married this September. My mother became visibly upset. I still live with my parents (b/c culturally it isn't acceptable to move out until marriage) and it's difficult because my mother will never bring my fiance up. If I do she gets agitated and upset. She's told me how selfish I am for wanting to marry him, how screwed up my kids (if I have any) will be because they will be mixed ethnicity, etc.

I get that I can't change my mom, but it really hurts my feelings, especially since my younger brother got married a few years ago and I saw how involved my mom was with all the wedding planning, and how she did all the mother-daughter stuff with my brother's now wife like picking out flowers, the wedding venue, the food, etc.

My brother had a very extravagent wedding, with 400 people and all the trimmings. My father said my wedding will be a small one.

I almost feel like I'm being punished because my parents are not thrilled about who I am marrying, only for the reason that he is not arab and wasn't born muslim (even though he fake converted so my parents would accept him. My fiance and I are not muslim but we pretend because my dad said he will disown me if I'm not muslim).


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'd suggest you have a heart to heart with your mom, away from the wedding planning. Just ask her how she's going to deal with the likely grandchildren, her own flesh and blood. Is she going to reject them? That's not how she raised you. Get her to step away from the moment and take the longer view. Hopefully, she'll see the light and come around.

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    • Yeah... I suppose I can try again. I've tried... but she just gets angry and tells me things like " I would never do that to my parents" and "It's normal for a child to want to make their parents happy", etc. After she said some really hurtful things to me last summer I just vowed to never bring it up. She has never initiated conversation about my fiance and just wants to pretend this isn't happening.

    • So you'll have to put on your stainless steel big girl panties and just refuse to be hurt or insulted. It seems to me that she doesn't realize a parent's first priority is the safety of their child followed closely by their happiness. You're not on drugs. You're not a criminal. You've just made a love choice she disagrees with. I think if you bring up the grandchildren, you'll have the thermonuclear weapon you need. Would your dad be a better plan of attack?

    • Thanks for the MHG!! Are things better, I hope?

Most Helpful Girl

  • At times like these you have to put your happiness over everything else. If your parents can't handle you being happy with a man regardless of ethnicity then that's their problem. It hurts but that's really how you have to look at it.

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    • Thanks. It's just upsetting because they tell me how much I'm hurting them by going through with this but it seems like they don't really care about how I feel, especially my mom.

    • To me it sounds like they're putting their beliefs over you, their daughter whom they should wish happiness on no matter what. It isn't right.

What Guys Said 2

  • She's a racist piece of shit, kick her out of her life, it's not good to associate with people that much hate inside them

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    • I think she more so looks it as a slap in the face, that I purposely am finding someone who isn't arab just to spite her. In fact, both my parents told me that in different ways. She said my fiance seems like a nice person, but she would have never thought to even consider marrying someone outside of arab culture. Ironically, my mom is half white and doesn't even look arab.

    • She's half white? So she's a hypocrite as well

    • Yeah well I've asked her if she realizes that and she justified it as the woman becomes part of the mans family. My grandma is white and married my grandfather so she became part of the culture. She also said my grandma never brought her family around them so my mom was not exposed to white culture. Again, even though my grandfather is lebanese, he was born in america, can't even speak arabic and has never been to lebanon. It's ridiculous. Everyone in my mom's family is accepting of my fiance except my mom. She hasn't even talked to them about him yet. She just pretends it isn't happening.

  • Let them disown you. If your parents are that closed minded, let them be stubborn and childish.

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    • I really wish I would have come out about not being muslim when I was younger. The more I let time pass by the more difficult it gets to leave. I've talked to my mom several times that I wanted to move out and she was very discoraging... telling me that it's so hard out there and I won't be able to make it.

    • The world is a very safe, social, and fair place. Don't waste your life being forced to be close minded. If you don't want to be Muslim, don't.

What Girls Said 0

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