My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2.5 to 3 years. We just got married 2 months ago, discretely with only a few of his friends. We live separately as we haven't had our "official" marriage. I'm starting to get really annoyed now that my boyfriend/husband's friends are ALWAYS around. He sees them almost every single day. It's not something I have really spoken to my boyfriend about, except for one or twice months ago, or dropping a small hints here and there.
For example, I'll be meeting him thinking I will be spending the day or an evening with him only to have his friends call and ask to hang out and meet up. So then we will end up picking them up or meeting up with one, two or more of his friends. I can't remember the last day we spent alone the two of us. The only time I ever get to spend with him alone is when he's at home, doing work on his computer, is sick or is really exhausted where he just wants to sleep, etc. I feel irritated because he puts his friends, and his friends' needs ahead of me. He won't cancel or tell his friends he's busy or that he's already made plans with me, and he always feels obligated to make plans with them and make them happy. Especially, since his friends seem to be always bitching about how he's distant or doesn't hang out with them as much. Well duh, they all graduated college, are no longer in the same classes, are starting their careers like my boyfriend and are generally occupied by personal matters not to mention the fact that my boyfriend and I are NOW married. For some reason, my boyfriend's friends can't comprehend that when the ones bitching already KNOW that we are married now.
Gosh, I feel less like his wife and more like a sidekick that tags along with him all the time and I feel like I'm not his priority and that he doesn't value me or see me as important because he's always putting his friends before me. I'm not asking for much except for one evening with him.
Most Helpful Guy
Well the solution to the problem is really simple, tell him. Don't drop hints don't suggest or give clues tell him. Out right and bluntly so that their is no possible way for their to be a miscommunication of any kind. If you don't tell him obviously he isn't going to know so him continuing the behavior is actually perfectly understandable. He isn't a mind reader he doesn't know how you feel when you feel it, he needs you to communicate with him so that he can do something about the issue. If he has no idea theirs a problem because you don't tell him theirs a problem then naturally the problem will continue (all the while your getting angrier at him and blaming him for not knowing exactly what you want when you want it which then means you are going to act out towards him confusing him making him wonder whats wrong all without actually addressing whats wrong.). So talk to him tell him you would like to spend more time alone with him just the two of you (its really hard to misunderstand that so chances are he will get the message. Seriously TELL HIM. I really don't understand why women are so terrified of the idea of open communication. He isn't going to catch hints you need to be very very upfront so their is no room for misunderstandings.0
Most Helpful Girl
Ok so dropping hints and being vague obviously doesn't work. Time to actually sit down with him and have a discussion with him.
Simply tell him everything you've written here. Highlighting the fact that you feel more like a sidekick than his actual wife is also a good idea. Might put things into perspective for him concerning how it actually makes you feel and that you're not just trying to cut him off from his friends for the hell of it.
I totally understand you, though. I answered a question yesterday about "love languages" and I put "Quality time" as the highest priority. I'd feel so bad if my boyfriend (or husband, in this case) always prioritized other people over me and never felt like hanging out just the two of us, and would always invite others into the mix. It would just feel inconsiderate and would make me feel unloved.
He also needs to stand up to his friends. He's married now. He has other things, and people (you) who he needs to prioritize in his life. Just because he's married it doesn't mean he'll never be able to hang out with them again, it just means that he won't be able to hang out EVERY single time they ask. Meeting up once a week/a few times a month should be enough. If that isn't enough for them, then maybe he should ask himself if they're actually good friends if they can't understand this new chapter of his life. Friends should always try to be as understanding as possible. Right now they are being downright selfish, whereas you get absolutely nothing. Not fair.1