Problems in our marriage - do I divorce my husband?

My husband and I have been married for 6 years now. We're in our late 30's (excuse the age on here). Had problems trying to have children and have just escalated from there. Most nights, my husband will fall asleep on the couch after playing games or on his phone. I notice that he holds his phone in his hand more than my own hand. Intimacy has become less and less. It feels very "disconnected"

I never go into his phone but he forgot to lock his phone and I noticed a message come in from someone. Turns out he has been flirting with a young woman in his office for 6 months. She is 15 years younger. The messages are incredibly inappropriate, asking her out for lunch, talking about receiving massages, calling each other "love" and "dear", my husband talking about going on a holiday with her as he's "tired". My husband messages this woman even when she's away on holiday. Disrespectful to our marriage and quite obsessive from both parts. He knows this womans mother and regularly talks about her family to her. They call each other at least a few times a week. To be honest, it doesn't surprise me as my husband has his phone in his hand CONSTANTLY. Constantly checking. Honestly - he puts more effort into their communication than ours. As far as I know, they haven't caught up outside of work or slept together. However even touching in person (I would hate to know how they act together in person) would be sexually cheating to me. I believe this woman has a causal boyfriend yet this doesn't seem to phase my husband - quite clearly.

I calmly confronted him. Defensive at first then he admitted that he feels more attraction to her, that he even is falling in love with this woman but has a different sort of love for me. That he doesn't know why but feels a genuine sort of happiness around this woman that he doesn't feel around me. When I asked him why he hasn't seeked divorce, he told me that he would make his family unhappy (we're Muslim). What would you do in my situation?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Omg! You have to divorce him! I don't know much about Muslim culture but I do know while on this earth we should all have the happiest, most satisfying time we can. You are not getting that but you deserve to. Please leave him and begin enjoying love, passion, warmth and connection to someone worthy.

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    • omg. I am so sorry for you going through this and going through so many heartbreaking emotions. I hope whatever route you go, you have the biggest strength to help you through it and I hope you don't go to believing that its your fault. Just know, none of this is our fault and you will definitely find that one for you to know how great and special you are. You will get through this and I sincerely hope you find happiness because you deserve it!

What Guys Said 9

  • In what country? You may be risking your life if outside of USA, am I right?

    What people normally would do is seek marriage counseling... as a forum to start talking and rebuild relationship. There is no guarantee this works and it is hard. Obviously, some stress drove a wedge between you emotionally. It is the emotional connection that is broken here... if it was ever there.

    The other woman is a distraction. She is an escape from the pain of being with you (sorry if that hurts). You already know this is hard and it is stressful. If not her, it be someone else... it feels good to have a "perfect" person and that thrill of the chase, desire afresh again. But its temporary and false, but it is alluring.

    Tried counseling?
    Try to convince him to let go of her for now, it is a fantasy under the following premise...
    You almost have to start over dating again... Is it possible to release the expectations a bit and just have fun? Do whatever you two like to do where you enjoy being with one another (dancing, hiking, tennis, praying, etc..). All fun, no stress or expectations. No more stress of I want this or I want that, just enjoy each others company. Try to play with one another... there are ways to do that.. ask if you don't know, express love in various flavors, rebuild tension, etc.. everyone likes that.

    And men thrive on RESPECT and Muslims... HONOR! I know he doesn't deserve it at all, I get it, and I'm asking you to be a hugely strong woman. But if you can take a stand against his cheating desire (he is just acting out in shame of himself), but respect him in any other way... it will help. the lack of ability to conceive is hard on you, but it is a "Shame" to him, and may have broken his spirit. Showing that you respect him as a man (which may be hard to do... but find something), is like putting extra hot peppers in his food. Do you see how this kind of thinking will lift the energy levels "up" positively? When he starts to feel good about himself, he'll respond better to you.

    Then... start back up again with... what do you do here... will this work, can you adopt, fertility clinic,.. etc.. Definitely take time to make sure this marriage can last before you have kids. I suggest the above approach because it takes the "load of stress" off, so he doesn't need the other girl, then you can talk without fighting (moreso).

    thoughts? I'm not a Muslim, but I think this is general in approach.

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  • take him to a counselor and confront him and ask him to share his issues, what is causing him to turn around this girl. Whether it is coz of pressure of kids, or lack of intimacy or anything.

    on the girl part may be she must be genuine or she must be not. If not, she must be playing with him, may be her family is seeing him as a good Samaritan and nothing more, which he is not getting. It's good that you both openly talk about this issue with a councilor for better understanding and to reach future course of action.

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    • divorce is a very big thing, just evaluate yourself also about your future. what if it happens. Hope you are working

  • don't divorce
    you need to have time alone
    both you no work no phones nothing

    you both need to reconnect

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  • i am not femiliar with the Muslim culture and customs so i dont have and thing to base this on except experience. with his actions he has all ready made his family unhappy,( namely you), and i will bet that your kids do see what is happening in your relationship. there is a saying if you love someone set them free if they dont return they were never your in the first place. my suggestion is to set him free and find someone who will love you and treat you as the wonderful person you truly are.

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    • Thanks. However, clearly states that we have had problems trying to have children. No kids.

    • i'm sorry please forgive me. i wonder if thats one of the issues in your marriage. he is having a hard time excepting that he will not have anyone to carry on in your family.

  • Divorce him before it gets even worse.

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  • Get out while you are still young. Why hang on? He definitely is punching out.
    You still have another 10 years of prime time, so get out now, get the divorce done, and find a guy who will love YOU.
    Good luck

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  • what a muslim? is his girl friend 15 years old? this is crime

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  • Divorce him. Your marriage is already over. Now you just have to make it official.

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  • couldn't he just tell your father that you have been unfaithful or badmouthed Muhammad? After they stone you to death he will be free to date her?

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What Girls Said 7

  • That's noo excuse. Is he allowed a second wife?

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  • Plain & simple----divorce

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  • He's a sleaze ball and you should divorce him.

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  • Divorce. Unfaithful reasons. He is simply lusting after this girl. I would not put up with that! No sense in living the rest of your life this way.

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  • Get a divorce, it is better to suffer.

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  • Try therapy for couples

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  • If he doesn't stop communicating with this girl, I'd seek divorce. I don't wanna settle with someone who doesn't have a love for me. You deserve to be happy also as much as he's happy talking with this woman. You got nothing to lose anyway. Better cut the tie rather than stay with him for another awful year if he doesn't change.

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