Husband too attached to his family? What are the limits?

[Anonymous]

Married for one year now & my husband has migrated to Australia (where I was born & live). Definitely better for us to live in Aus, our home country Syria isn't liveable any more, there's no trouble in our particular town, but everything is expensive there now, & there are electricity/water/petrol outages etc. Logically you'd think that you're lucky to be able to migrate to a place like Aus, and he does appreciate it but also misses his family which is understandable.

When a family member visits Syria he sends money to his family (mid class & can afford a decent lifestyle) I don't mind but now his father is asking to send money to buy us property there which I'm not happy about (why would you buy property in an unstable country?). My husband seems to be convinced that $500/month is reasonable to help is family & for property & I think this is too much. My opinion is to save here for property & provide assistance for small expenses for his family. I have no issue with him helping them, even though really we shouldn't be paying for his sisters uni pocket money or new curtains for his parents or for fixing their mobile phones & I can't keep using my credit card. I don't mean to come across as a tight ass, but what bothers me is that he is overly attached to his family, anything his father says 90% he will do, unless I convince him in a very nice way not to.
When I try to discuss this issue with him he just clams up, doesn't want to hear my say, gets angry & says my opinion is 'stupid' & it's none of my business. This time he walked out of the house & went for a 1/2 hour drive & didn't talk to me for the rest of the night or this morning which is upsetting
Am I wrong for thinking that $500/month is too much to give to his family? Considering that the rest of his income is $5500 left over & we agreed to save & buy property here in future. I just hate how his family has such a grip over him & it always comes between us.

Updates

+1 y

FYI, his sisters don't work, culture over there is different. Only one does and she doesn't ask for anything. Also living there is very expensive because of the political situation. I have no problem helping them to buy food, pay a bill eg but I don't want our money ( I work and study full time) to be sent there and my fatherinlaw buys a property for us as I don't want to live there, we agreed to live in aus and his fam doesn't help when they do this crap.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for your opinions guys. I honestly don't really have trustworthy friends to talk to about this

[TakeMaker]

Helping out family I have no issue with, to leave your family without food when you could help would be a terrible thing... but for curtains and phones and spending money? Oh he'll no. You live within your means, that means of you can't afford a phone... you don't have a phone. If you need new curtains and you don't have the cash, you make some. If you don't have any pocket money for Uni you make your own lunch and don't buy frivolous items. You make do, you do not demand cash from someone who has been smart enough to make his career a success.

You should refuse to send money for property. You have no desire to live there, you should have an equal say in where you live and what house you buy. He married you, not his father.

Sending money to help with food, yes ok... but put your foot down with the other things. Tell him he is your husband and you should be making decisions together, especially about such important things such as where you will live. Marriage is not a dictatorship, it should be a democracy.

[btbc92]

Well you knew this before you married him. And so you willing accepted this. You need to remember that you married into this family, and they will always be a part of his life the same way with yours for you. But I understand how this is breaking into your finances and you both can't really afford it. You need to sit him down and talk to him about this, and give him the fact and reality, not your emotions. Remember: FACTS. Because he sounds like he just doesn't understand this. He is wrong. And if you need to go stay with your family for a while until he changes up his act. Do it. Give him the ultimatum that you had enough. When he wants to start listening to you, then he can call. But until then, he will be at the house by himself until he gets his act together and learn to be a husband to you and treat you better as a wife. But he refuses to acknowledge your dilemma? He needs to stop acting like a child. [But don't tell him that] What does he think marriage is supposed to be about?

[Asker]

I definitely know that they will always be part of us and I'm happy with that and help them when I can but there has to be some kind of limit, when you marry you are your own family. This always happens when we argue, he closes up and we never end up coming to an agreement, Or he sarcastically apologizes and says ok you're right whatever you want.

[btbc92]

@Asker Like I said before. You need to leave the house and give him the ultimatum. Because he needs to listen to you as his wife. And he is not doing it. That is neglect, and he is asking for serious problems. You two just got married and already your in hell with it? There's a problem. And your not putting your foot down. This has to be done.

[Asker]

Unfortunately I've come to learn with time that he's the type that will be stubborn in that situation. If I left he would get upset and call telling me angrily to come back and it would make the problem worse.

[btbc92]

@Asker No. Thats what you want, for him to call. The problem is, if you did that and you went back, that is why there is no change! You did what he wanted, but what about what you needed. Sure he will throw a hissy fit! But until he change its going to be the same problem. If this is not so important to you than you need to compromise and deal with the problem. Because in the end, your allowing this to happen. If you don't give a reason to respect you as a wife, unless he change himself, he never will.

[btbc92]

for him*

[Asker]

hmmm I shall try

[YaBaba]

I think you are wrong.
Unless you guys are right on budget and you can't afford your own food yet he is giving away those to his family.

$500 per month is not too much otherwise

I think you should be more moving towards his family or at least just try to understand

Family is important. When they are struggling you have to help them out.

[YaBaba]

Tight**

[Asker]

I agree 100% that we should help family. Lets just say he's lucky we rent from my mother because our rent is two months behind! and my mother always buys us expensive gifts for our home.

[Anonymous]

buying property at a cheap rate in Syria actually might be a good idea even though its clearly risky and things might not settle down there for a few years. Nothing wrong with helping family, my father used to send money to relations in Rwanda after he escaped there and it really paid off.

[Asker]

Yeah the dollar makes a decent profit for over there. but if you ever need to sell it and gain your dollar back you're screwed

[Opinion Owner]

but its a long term investment. My Dad always used to say you have nothing if you dont have land and property.

[Red_Arrow]

If your husband wants to save money to buy property, that is fine. You can save it right where you are without any of the dangers of the instability over there. Plus, since you agreed that you are going to stay in Australia, why save to buy property in Syria. Your husband may have a different set of plans if he is going along with that. I think it is important to talk about it (I know he is making that difficult) and agree (again) that you are not going to live in Syria. Then from there it follows that you are not going to buy property there, so it makes no sense to save money for that purpose. And in any case, it makes no sense for the saving to be done over there. I think he is going to fight you on this and that will show that he really intends to go back there. If that is the case, you need to either agree to that (which I think would be a big mistake) or go your separate ways.

If you have a child before all that comes down, it will get real nasty. You do not want to go there at all!

[Asker]

Thank f*ck I don't have kids. It doesn't help when my father in law keeps pushing for a grandson from his only son. I actually am glad that my in laws are on the other side of the planet, as harsh as that may sound

[Red_Arrow]

I really do not see this marriage working out.

[Asker]

when his family don't play with his head we are really happy together, but as soon as they say anything and we don't do what ever that is, shit hits the fan.

[Heemus_Christ]

Not my relationship but from watching and experience, never mess with family connection. It could be how he was raised. Im the same way, if my mom dad grandmother ever needed anything i say yes 100% of the time, and i work 2 jobs and im a full time college student, no time to do anything else and i never say no. But he has a family and i understand your concern. You should sit him down and talk to him. He should listen because there is nothing a married couple can't discuss. The sister thing has to go. She needs to work for her own. The 500 i dont think is to much but if you dont think its nessesary. Say something thats your money.

[Anonymous]

I'm a first generation Indian-Canadian and my mother is going through the exact same situation as you. My dad sends almost half of his monthly salary back home to India so my grand- parents can live a comfortable lifestyle after their retirement. He hired a full-time nurse to take care of my grandma who has dementia, he pays for their prescription medicines, electricity, gas and water bills. My dad's other siblings refuse to chip in because they think my dad is rich. You have to realize that you've married someone from a third-world country. Their country's economic and political climate is very different from ours. His family members probably don't have a steady source of income and his elderly parents don't have health insurance (it's a first world luxury).

[Opinion Owner]

I also don't want to sound ignorant but you said your husband is trying to send more money to Syria in order to buy some property. Is there a chance that his family members have some secret ISIS affiliations and want more precious australian $$$$$?

[Asker]

That's true, it is a third world country but fortunately they live middle class and are quite comfortable. I just want him to save here, and send a less amount of assistance, and we can buy a holiday home there ourselves when we visit next time. I know my father in law, he will save 95% of what my husband sends and will spend as little as possible for them. They are honestly fine without our assistance.

[Asker]

haha no you don't sound ignorant, I can guarantee there is none of the isis stuff involved, our family is part of the army there and we are 100% against that

[Cmasterson]

I understand your frustration, however to him family will come first and it seems a bit odd because you are now and have been his family too, he can't keep helping family at a cost of preventing you guys a stable future. His family has to be able to fend for themselves too and the occasional help from your husband because he wants to. As for his sister, pocket money as in spending? If she's already in uni, why can't she find a part time job?

[Asker]

I agree 100%
he can't keep helping family at a cost of preventing you guys a stable future. His family has to be able to fend for themselves too and the occasional help from your husband because he wants to

Unfortunately no his sisters don't work, its not really a cultural norm.

[Cmasterson]

I would tell him again that you're not meaning to anger him however he's not promising a stable future for you, what's really worth more helping his family a lot or helping his family when he can but putting HIS family (you) first so you can start a future.

[bryon]

Start telling him that you need to be of financial help to your family too and watch his face turn blood red. It is not about what's fair here at all , it's about let me have my way. This is proven by him not being willing to talk things out and pouting up like a spoiled child that is about to throw them selves on the floor and pound their fists until they get their way

[Asker]

Pretty much, he is the only boy between 7 sisters and was spoilt as a child. But I don't want to live on his familys terms. We are our only family, and I'm happy to help his family but $500 is too much, and his father won't even spend it on the family he'll just save all of it. True story. So might aswell save it here

[bryon]

That is true. If he isn't investing it in the family and is going to save it then your better off to be putting it in a bank and collecting interest from it . I also agree that planning on buying property in such an unstable area isn't exactly the smartest of ideas either

[Anonymous]

Ya a month pay every year is a lot you could buy a new car every 5 years or a 150 000 property over 25 years

[Asker]

I agree.

[xobdnas]

It sounds like the problem is not the amount or the uses, but the communication between you about it. Obv you want to be of one mind about things, especially family and finances--and this is both in one. So spend more time asking why he feels and acts he say he does; hopefully he will tell you. Then you can explain why you feel the way you do--particularly about the credit card (which is literally spending money you don't have). Go for understanding here, more than just agreeing.

[BruceJender]

Would you still feel the same if he was sending $500 to his ill grandma?