Should I invite my brother to my wedding?

My brother and I use to be really close. he's 10 years older so he was almost like a father figure to me. However when he found out that my father (we have different dads) had abused me when I as younger, he refused to talk to my mother, who really didn't know the abuse was happening. Fat forward to 6 years later and he still won't talk to her. he's also starting to ignore me and is a jerk to my sister becuase we refuse to not talk to her.

The main reason I am thinking of not inviting him is that I don't want to worry about how he is treating my mom and my sister my whole wedding. I don't want him to ruin things. I don't think he will do anything dramatic but blatantly ignoring people is super hurtful too and I don't want drama.

It's just so weird to think that I always imagined him walking me down the aisle and now that it is happening he might not even be there at all. I'm afraid that not inviting him would forever burn the bridge that I'm not sure I want to.

Updates:
3mo I've tried to talk to him before about how his actions are affecting me and he just said I was trying to guilt him into talking to our mom and nothing changed. He hasn't talked to me in a year and a half. He lives in Georgia but came up to see his family and never mentioned it to me or to try to see me. I also graduated with me masters in May and I sent him an invite to my party and the ceremony, I didn't expect him to come because of how far he is, but he never even said anything to me about it

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Most Helpful Guy

  • i'd say invite him. but you could express to all parties that you hope there will be no drama as it is your wedding day

    my parents divorced about 15 years ago. still my mom and my grandmom (mom's mom) still have deep deep seeded resentment towards my father (although he really did nothing wrong). they were both present at my wedding and i will say it was slightly stressful because my mom and grand mom both made comments about my dad's girlfriend being there... but ultimately it didn't ruin the day and i could imagine not inviting people so close to me

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You do whatever is right for you. If this was a situation that I was in, I would approach him with this concern. I would tell him that it's hurtful and worrisome that a conflict could take place in my wedding. Then I would ask for his agreement that he would be cordial with the other family members. If he won't agree to that, then don't invite him. If you really think he'll create a scene, don't invite him. However, I think you should try your best to have him there. It could only make the rift between you larger if you don't include him. Additionally, I imagine looking back (if all went well), you'd be happy that you're brother got to witness your day.

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What Guys Said 10

  • I wouldn't bother inviting him. It would just disappoint you. Most likely he won't come anyway due to his grudge against your mother. It's a shame really that to alienate himself from her so much that is willing to damage his relationships with his sisters.

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  • Unfortunately, it sounds like he has decided to disown your family and I don't think anything you say will change that. Considering what he knows about your history, it seems that he would want to be protective of you instead of shunning you.

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    • 3mo

      At first he said he was upset with her for how she handled the situation, which does have some merit to it but not enough to require such dramatic actions. Now he just has made it either we are with him or we are with her. My sister and I want to be neutral.

    • 3mo

      A good rule in life is this:

      If anyone tries to force you to choose between them and someone else, you must always choose the someone else. If you submit to such ultimatums, you surrender control of a portion of your life, and you have surrendered it to someone who is not guided by your best interest.

  • Talk to him. Impress on him that this day is about YOU, tell him what you told us. He'll come around.

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  • He's your brother, you should invite him. Brother sister bond is too strong to be tainted by life problems, greet him with a thank you for coming hug on his arrival.

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  • I say invite him. If you don't it'll probably drift you guys further apart, though honestly there's still a chance something could go wrong.

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  • No, I wouldn't invite him, he seems to have issues, he's punishing people who did nothing wrong.

    I didn't go to my own (non identical) twin brother's wedding who treated me badly while I was fighting clinical depression, I never regreted it, just because people share some DNA doesn't mean they should be part of your life

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  • sounds like he feels that its all been kept secret from him?

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  • Come on. Your bro got knifed in the back protecting you in the bar and you won't invite him to your wedding?

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  • Well your brother loves you. He's just super upset about you being abused and he hates everyone he thinks looked the other way when it was happening to you. He is also unfortunately super stubborn apparently since he won't try and talk to your mother or sister. I think you should let him know you feel like you're losing him out of your life completely and that he should come and try and make peace with your mother and sister while he's there. It's like a one more chance type thing.

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  • Are you really British?

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What Girls Said 13

  • if you think it will cause drama or make anybody uncomfortable then NO. maybe you could talk to him and tell him u really want him to b there, but u need for there to b no drama and no rudeness. leave the ball in his court that way he can decide whether he can control himself enough to go or not. that way YOU dont feel guilty if he doesn't go.

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  • I think you should invite him. This will be your special day and its completely up to him if he wants to come and walk you in the aisle. He is still blood and at the end of the day your family. If you don't, as you have said, it could possibly burn bridges and any form of communication would consubstantiation drop.

    If he really loves you, he will come and try to be happy for you. Even if its just on that one day you get married.

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  • If I was in your situation, I personally wouldn't invite him. He's had chances to stop acting like a douche and he's had chances to come and visit you and talk to you and he hasn't taken them. Doesn't sound to me like he'd appreciate the invite.

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  • Invite him under the terms that he behaves. Explain how it has made you feel. You are the victim here...

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  • I think you should invite him. If you don't, I think that will burn the bridge. He's been like a father figure to you and he must still be really important to you despite drifting apart over recent years. It could be an opportunity to build bridges

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  • Your brother loves you and it will make him truly happy if you invite him to your wedding. Think about it, the reason he behaves like this is because you were abused when you were younger. He felt so bad for you because he cares about you. I'm not saying his behavior is right, it's true he is not managing the situation correctly. I get that you are hurt by him ignoring you, but still you should try to make an effort to create a strong sibling bond between you and him.

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  • I would invite him, you might end up regretting it. Just make careful seating arrangements. He might not come at all anyway, but at least you tried

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  • Invite him

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  • I think you should invite him. He wouldn't do anything bad probably because he wants you to be happy. If he brings up your mother and sister, talk to him about it, if you feel comfortable. But it is your wedding after all. If you are planning a huge fun celebration with a lot of people he might not necessarily think about being hurtful. Also congrats on getting married.

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  • At least invite him, hopefully he comes. It might bring the family all together

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  • Invite him. If a problem comes up deal with it then. By not inviting em ur creating bigger issues in the future

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  • Yeah you should invite him. You're getting married and it's time for new beginnings. You don't want to start it off with even more severed relationship than it already is. You should have a face to face talk with him and tell him your concerns and hopefully he can be patient and control his anger or whatever he's feeling for one day. You never know maybe he might have a different outcome after he finds out you're getting married. It might even melt his heart a little? You never know till you try. This is the best time to fix a broken relationship and I'm pretty sure he can be a little mature at a wedding.

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  • Why not?

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