After how many years of dating do you think you could say he just isn't going to marry me?

In a 2.5 year relationship. We are in our late 40's which I think makes a big difference in this question. At 29-30 I don't think 2.5 years is very long. However as we get older I would think a man would be more confident in what he wants and has in a relationship.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • He probably knows what he wants by that age, but marriage might not be it.

    I first have to say I'm older than my profile says. I know with me, and a lot of other guys I know, I am FAR less inclined to get married now than I was when I was younger.

    It serves no purpose. It's not like being in our early twenties, or even thirties. It's not like sharing our lives together, building a family, building a household, building a career. It's not like deciding what our basic goals in life are, where to live, what direction we want to take as a couple. All those things are behind us. If those things were going to happen as a couple they already have.

    So if we want to have a relationship, we just have a relationship. It is what it is. The ceremony of marriage adds nothing. Yes, we know what we want in life. Why do we need a ceremony and all the symbolism to define it for us? We can simply live together, or see each other casually, or non-exclusively. Or be companions, and someone to do things with, at a much slower pace than in our higher energy days.

    There are some playboys and playgirls in the over 50 crowd, but not very many. It's not like most people in that age group are going to run off because of all the hundreds of options we have.

    I can't speak for this guy you're with. I can only guess that if he's been with you for 2.5 years then he's doing it by choice. What does marriage add to the relationship? I don't know about him, but for me and most other guys I know in my age group, it adds absolutely nothing.

    As I said, I don't need a ceremony to define my life for me. I already know what my life is about. I'm old enough to decide anything in the future as well. I'm also quite capable of discussing the future with anyone I could see as a partner in that future. If "we" talk about the future in terms of "we", then it means I'm not going anywhere except whatever we decide together.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Honestly, you've got this all backward.

    __

    Late twenties/30ish is EXACTLY the age when a woman should have the proverbial fire lit under her ass, in terms of timing, *IF* she wants to have a marriage that results in biological children.
    That's the age when fertility starts to take a nosedive -- between 30 and 35 the chances of having a healthy pregnancy and carrying it all the way to term drop precipitously -- and, if a woman's current relationship doesn't work out, it's back to the churning waters of the dating pool to start over from zero again... and find someone... and take the time to get to know him... etc.

    So, if you were a 30ish woman, and you knew you wanted biological kids, tbh I'd say you should pretty much look for a guy who knows what he wants within a year... MAYBE two years MAX.
    And if you had a wedding to plan -- especially a wedding that involves people coming from diverse corners of the world -- you'd have to factor THAT in, too (unless you were OK with starting to try for a baby before the wedding, which most couples wouldn't be). That would shorten the timeline even further.

    __

    On the other hand... Forties?
    Honestly, in that case, it becomes a question of "Why?"

    Don't forget...

    • If you are in the USA, and yr incomes are ANYWHERE CLOSE to each other, YOU WILL PAY *MORE* TAXES if you get married.
    Maybe even THOUSANDS more, depending on exactly what yr incomes are.
    Would it be worth literally THOUSANDS of dollars a year, just "to be able to call him yr husband and be proud of that"?

    • He may have had a previous negative experience with marriage -- you really didn't say one way or the other in yr post -- and so he may be understandably gun-shy to jump into it again.
    Does he have an ex-wife? If so, how'd that work out for him? If it was a really shitty divorce... I'd understand if he was reluctant to go through that whole rigmarole again.

    Really, though, you should look at that whole tax situation. If yr incomes are even remotely comparable... do the approximate numbers. If you're totally tax-illiterate then go to a tax person, but, srsly, you can just sit down with the 1040 forms and work out the approximate numbers both ways.
    In our case, my husband and I now save tax money by being married -- but, we didn't until I started making more than 4 times his income.

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What Guys Said 6

  • Lots of variables. If you went into it making clear you're looking for marriage and he keeps making excuses then I'd say that's long enough

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  • Could it be that he is confident in what he wants in a relationship, and that is: no need to broadcast it via rings and pieces of paper and ceremonies, when everything is going fine between you?

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    • 3mo

      Yes. That's exactly what he says.

  • statistically its 7 years of dating. the most likely time for a man to marry is 4 years after his last year of education. i think a man in you're dating group would have long lost his desire to marry.

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    • 3mo

      Well that sucks

    • 3mo

      marriage is for young people. its for starting a family and raising kids.

  • You're right. Put him to the question and move on if you need to.

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    • 3mo

      Weird, I wouldn't expect that answer from you.

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    • 3mo

      Oh, I mean, about the relative urgency at age 45+ versus at age 30ish.

      At ≈30 there are very good reasons to legitimately be in a hurry. At age 45+ there are none whatsoever.

    • 3mo

      ... and the tax issue, too -- I mean, I think it's more probable than not that their incomes are in the same neighborhood as one another, which would mean that getting married will be a SIGNIFICANT financial hit (if they're in the US).

  • 8 years 💯

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  • What's in it for him? You're both too old for having babies. What do you bring to the table that is worth him risking half his stuff plus the possibility of paying you alimony as soon as you get bored and kick him out? A man unmarried in his late 40's is hopefully smart enough not to take the gamble.

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    • 3mo

      WOW lol. Glad my husband didn't feel that way. He's 48, I'm 47 and married for 2 years now. We are both done with having children. Its more than kids and cash honey.

What Girls Said 4

  • I honestly wouldn't need to wait years to know that. :D

    but for my sister, and her boyfriend dated for about 4 years before he married her.

    My sister knew from the start she would marry him.
    But according to brother in law, he said he knew after a couple of months to a year.

    They were in their late teens to early twentys

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  • Why waste time? You two should have gotten married if thats what you two really wanted. I would never wait so long to marry. Its either a little over a year or I'm moving on.

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  • I wholesomely agree with you. In your 40s there's really nothing else to be waiting for at that point. Have you talked about marriage yet?

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    • 3mo

      Yes. We still have kids at home and I agree to wait Til they graduate (2 more years). But it may sound corny but I was in an abusive marriage and I would just love to be able to call him my husband and be proud about it.

    • 3mo

      If you changed your mind, then talk to him about speeding things up. Kids or no kids, you'll still be able to enjoy each other. It's not like you have to go through the same beginnings of a younger couple with college and studying getting in the way of long term plans. Unless he's given you reason suspect he's not interested in marriage at all?

    • 3mo

      "In your 40s there's really nothing else to be waiting for at that point."

      ^^ Unless they have comparable incomes, in which case they really just might not feel like paying all those extra thousands of dollars to Uncle Sam.

  • I will give every man 1 year until he pop up the question. Like if we met each other, financially stable, older than 25. we should get married
    Any more than 1 year is a waste of time, you can know if you are compatible with a person from the first 6 month.

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