Would you be upset by this?

We just got married and got our own place to rent. Where we live, its quite expensive and people just get by.. living pay cheque to paycheque.
husband wanted us to live with his family in their basement. His family wanted this too (mostly to keep him close.. only son). I was okay with it in the beginning, but once I got to know his family and my sister in laws (not nice) and lots of things happened, I went against the idea and we ended up renting.

we had an argument last night about this and he basically exploded saying he "got a place just to make ME happy, but if id just agree to live with his family, we'd have more money saved to go out etc".
i explained to him, and before also, that its difficult to live with in laws.

Now im quite upset but he keeps apologizing (he said some nasty things). I just feel he's thinking more about the money THAN my comfort and peace of mind.. do I have the right to be upset?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You both have a right to be upset. This is a perfect example of the give and take that goes with being in a relationship. Can you maybe deal with the basement for a couple years until you are ready to move on? That's something that YOU would be giving up for him. A sacrifice in the name of a relationship with someone you love. And maybe you ask that he defends and sticks up for you when you guys are there.

    Maybe he will be the one to take the sacrifice for you and he'll deal with the money problem. He'll go out less, maybe pick up a second job or be more careful with what he buys.

    Really though, I think you guys need to go to the basement. Money is something that should scare the shit out of you. If you're living paycheck to paycheck it's only a matter of time till you end up in debt. All you need is a car problem or a rise in property tax, natural gas prices, home insurance (which translates to rent)

    You guys should really take the free living conditions and save up $10,000-$20,000 because believe me, $5,000 can leave you in a heartbeat.

    And who knows, maybe you have to hate each other or be stuck together before you can all get along. Just always try to get along without coming across as someone on a high horse.

    He did get a place just to make you happy and it was a really bad decision. But that only means he cares about you a lot. You can't get mad at him for saying that to you. You're lucky to have a husband who is so intelligent and while I think you two need to support each other, I really think the basement idea is a lot better for you in the long run.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You have the right to be upset, but he did apologise for his words. Marriage is about compromise, sometimes we do things we don't really want to to make our spouse happy and it sounds like he did this for you. I completely understand not wanting to live with in-laws but he had a right to feel like it would have been easier to save money.
    Not to mention if he gets along with his family he's probably got no problem living with them so it's just your feelings that got you renting

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    • 1mo

      Yes, but its difficult for me to live with them. They are not so nice to me.

    • 1mo

      I'm not saying you have to honey, just saying you should understand that your husband has taken those feelings into account in agreeing to rent a place of your own at the expense of saving money. So even though he said some hurtful things he has apologised

What Guys Said 5

  • I know it’s a difficult situation to be in. It’s unpleasant to have arguments especially with the one you’re married to and are supposed to love unconditionally.

    However, you don’t love him unconditionally. It’s by no means easy to do, and it takes practice but it can be done and it’s the only way you can be happy in a marriage, or any relationship for that matter.

    But let me start with the in-laws. I don’t know if you can see it but try to consider that you’re judging them when you’re calling them “not nice”. Wonderer99 brilliantly noticed that your spouse gets along with them, so it follows that they “are” not any particular way; you just have a poor opinion of them. Or, may I say, you have an attitude.

    I really think you’ll get a lot out of trying to transform your relationship with them. Here’s how to do it in a completely fail-safe way without even having to talk to them or anybody else about it. Try and come up with a few things you like about them. For example, if your husband likes them, they must make him happy in some way and since you love him, that’s pretty cool right?

    Maybe one of them has a nice dress or maybe the other told a funny joke once or has an interesting job. Just some random ideas. Keep looking until you have a nice little list. It’s like a brain teaser. Looks impossible but you can do it. Keep at it and I promise you’ll be happier and make a lot of other people happy as well.

    Second, when somebody gives you crap, remember they’re just dealing with what you’re dealing with. I always try to remember that upset as they may be, I don’t in any way have to follow them there. And I don’t enjoy being upset one little bit. I doubt you enjoy fighting either, so why not just let it go?

    I’m suggesting you practice never, ever being upset for any reason. Really, what’s the point? Has it ever brought anything truly great with it? It increases your blood pressure, causes stress and gives other people a chance to think bad thoughts about you and/or themselves. So why do it?

    Just let it go. Smile, and say you understand. Thank him for being so sensitive to your feelings and tell him that you want a fresh start with the in-laws. It really is that easy. The secret sauce is to start working on your own mind instead of trying to control others.

    If you squeeze an orange, only orange juice comes out. It doesn’t matter who squeezes and at what time, or how hard. Only OJ, ever. If we squeeze you, what comes out? Anger, frustration resentment?

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  • You should be upset but you shouldn't keep dragging it on. You should let it go because couples will argue and words will hurt but when you calm down you talk again to have a better discussion than last time. To me its always how you say things that make the difference. Accept the man apology and both of y'all should listen to each other opinion and respect how you both feel.
    You don't want to be depressed being uncomfortable so the both of y'all should make an expense sheet to see him much y'all are spending a month to see how much y'all can save.

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  • it just boggles my mind, why you married that guy... i mean if there´s such a blatant thing you know you can´t live with, then why do you still decide to stay with that person? no you don´t have a right to be upset. it´s you who chose that.

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  • If both of you work you have diff options and if your income is high enough. You could hold a little and save or just but a small house to start or a apartment it all depends on your financial situation.

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    • 1mo

      I wanted to share this when I got married my mom, and father in law mostly were try I g to tell me how to do stuff but I didn't obey. 12yrs later my father in law looks up to me for the good job I done.

  • It's better to move out on your own and have your own space. Anytime you live with inlaws it cause so much drama. It sounds like you are Indian/Asian like myself. That's why our families always have issues. Never want the kid to do his own thing.

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    • 1mo

      Exactly! I have tried to explain. He says he understands, but he's thinking more financially..
      Hell, id rather suffer financially than live with inlaws and die inside..

    • Show All
    • 1mo

      I know he feels bad he isn't rich. But he has the richest heart, thats for sure.
      Its mostly because his family's home is under his name as well. So he pays some of that as well as half our rent. I keep telling him I dont need any fancy dinners and such and he KNOWS this about me,, but for some reason he can't get over the fact that sometimes you gotta struggle first and you dont get everything at once..

    • 1mo

      This guy honestly sounds like my future...

      His family has to let him go. I'm sure he has done his share now, and somebody else has to take over to allow you guys to live your own lives.

      He is stressed because he wants to do his own thing with you, but at the same time doesn't want to leave the family.

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