My wife cheated while I was away?

Question

We have been married 15 years and have two kids. I have a great and stable career and recently bought a large home with my wife. One of my best friends was having a hard time with his life and I offered him my spare bedroom in my home for a few months to help him get off his feet. Well tragedy struck a month after his being over, with my grandfather passing away, so I went off to his funeral. I was gone for a week, but when I came home I sensed that my home life has changed. I did a bit of digging around and found that my wife and my best friend were having an affair in my own home! He has since left the home, but home life isn't the same anymore. My wife has been indifferent about everything and sex is nonexistent now. My children ask for him all the time and I just tell them their uncle just moved, yet the continue to ask when is he coming home. My home life with my wife has been hard, as she lack the remorse for her actions and hasn't apologized to repair our relationship. We have been seeing a marriage counselor for some months now and I don't think not sure if it's going anywhere, but it maybe just be me being unrealistic and expecting instant results. I'm in another state right now with my wife and children attending my wife's family reunion that has been planned for many many months during the Christmas timeframe, before the affair occurred. I have had a hard time talking to my family members as I feel as if it is the first or last time I'll ever see them again, which saddens me greatly as I have been a good part of their lives, as they have been part of mine. I'm having an hard time coping with all of this and also found out recently that my wife still talks to this so called friend of mine. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm hanging on because I love her will all my heart and I don't want our kids lives affected, however it's taking a toll on me too. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

At this point, if nothing is being done on her part to repair the marriage, sadly divorce must happen. It's very obvious she resents marriage with you and even sex with you. She knows what she's done, and she's not repented of it. No doubt she will do it again when given the chance. And your family have the right to know what is bound to happen if there is no change. Don't stop getting counseling, but marriage counseling is a waste of time. I can't tell you what to do. And I highly suggest to talk to her and warn her what will happen if she doesn't seek to repair the marriage. Now if she's indifferent about it, do whatever it is you have to do. But stop wasting money on where it's getting wasted. If you need to speak to your marriage counselor about it, speak with them privately and ask for that to be brought up in court. Otherwise, you'll continue to be in a marriage about deceit and resentment. The kids' however, is going to suffer greatly. But it won't be your fault. It's your wife's. They at least deserve to know the truth.

At this point, if she has no remorse why she is going to counseling with you? You seriously need to ask that. Because there is no marriage when she doesn't want to contribute. She needs to be honest with you because her actions say's another if she can't even explain her actions to you. While, her actions from what you wrote, can show that she is remorseful. To me, in my opinion, she would try to prove it be reassuring you and meeting your love language. But she's not. She continually dishonors and disrespects you because you allow it. Stop allowing it. You need to learn to put your foot down and let her know she is not going to just do whatever the heck she wants and still be married to you while the kids suffer. It's not going to happen. Don't let it continue.

i_research · Accepted Answer

:( Oh my. I wish I could help you but honestly I could not even handle the separating of a crush, I can't imagine how much it hurts to actually be betrayed by someone you truly love.

I wanna make a request to you to try your best to not think about the betrayal. Try to not let your heart suffer more by thoughts surrounding it.

Eventually, you will see how much it helps to not focus on the negative emotion.

Next, don't beg your wife to stay. Don't ever beg anyone. Talk to her, and be gentle if that's how you are, but don't lose your self respect to someone who betrayed your trust by showing them your tears, and weakness.

Lastly, get close to your family. Your blood related family. Try to spend more time with them, and your kids, take them out on a date, give each one time individually, bond with your family members. It will help so much. This will help to keep negative thoughts away.

I really hope you find peace in your heart.
Forget about forgiveness, and etc, if you want to forgive that's fine, but I am saying don't stress over "How will I forgive her ever?" etc, focus on your spending more time with family of your own, and your kids. Focus on some things you have been wanting to do, plan it out and get into action. These steps helped to move on from a :heartbreak. I hope it helps you just as much if not beyond.

Deth2AllButMetal · Accepted Answer

I don't mean to sound calius can cruel but as the "king of you castle" you allowed this. Men in generally can be too trusting. My husband is and I am constantly telling him to be on guard for people to take advantage of that trust. It's a sad fact of life. We are told that we have to learn to trust others but when we do this is what happens. In my opinion you can either save the marriage or send the clear message that your not a pushover and file for a divorce. I also think I would ask for sole custody of your two children. Sorry you have to go through this but I personally would have a hard time getting over this. Best wishes.

modeve · Accepted Answer

You are in awkward and painful situation. I would suggest you to discus it with your wife, friendly, not accusing her. Before that, you will have to explore your innerself. Was it a failure in sex play on your part, sexual & mental incompatibility between two, and anything else (harsh attitude etc), your own past (did you ever cheat on her).
And also recall her past during marital life, I mean, her gesture towards your friends, inclination, dress in their presence etc. It will give you a lot to understand.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This is why men shouldn't get married ever. You RECENTLY got a new house?
She probably had it planned so you will get divorced and she will get the house. Arrange your finances now. Transfer any money you have into a trusted person's name, including your car. Try to sell the house if you can before filing for divorce. Make her as poor as possible so hopefully the court won't let her steal primary custody of the kids.
She is no good. You can't fix that, no matter how much you don't want to believe it.

Thebalance32 · Accepted Answer

You need to start talking to a family law firm about divorce. Now's the time to start preparing for the worse. Don't hesitate before it's too late, you need to protect yourself from losing everything.

Anonymous · Answer

have you actually confronted her about this? I know saying the words is really hard but you need to address it head on.
approach her with a heart of love and ask why your love and faithfulness was not worth her fidelity. she will be more likely to respond if you don't accuse her constantly, but if you explain how what you've perceived to happen has negatively impacted you and how you felt betrayed, she should at least begin to comprehend how hurtful her actions were.
it's your decision to stay with her, but if she doesn't respond to that then she isn't worth your tears. you can befriend her family by being honest but it honestly won't be the same

Chanel1981 · Answer

I'm sorry, that's terrible! Kudos to you for giving it time and going through counseling to repair your relationship but unfortunately that takes two. Have you talked to an attorney regarding your options?

Anonymous · Answer

Sorry this is happening to you.
I've been in a similar situation.
My husband wanted to cheat and almost did.
We have been going to marriage counselling and he is showing remorse for his actions.
It takes 2 to work on a marriage.
Read John Gottman's
The seven principals for making marriage work.
Your wife should read it too.

abundantlyrich · Answer

the thuoght of the problems will definitely eat you up as you are near her daily, the solution is to split up, find your own place and work out peacefully with her on a schedule to see the kids regularly.. the longer you stay at home and in the marriage, the things get complicated when she will do more things to outrage you and you'll probably blow up in her face when really she doesn't give a flip to listen or care to admit if it's something wrong she's done.

Twest2015 · Answer

Do not stay together for the kids. You will be miserable and your kids will be miserable too. They probably already feel the tension. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know how painful it is. But I promise it does get better.

Anonymous · Answer

hey there, if i asked you to think and feel and give me an account of your vision of your relationship with your wife before the point you went away for this funeral when you suspect this affair started? what would it be? xx

Anonymous · Answer

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, I can tell you love your wife and want to keep the marriage after all you took a great step going to a counselor but if she doesn't love you you can't force her to work to repair your marriage, Has she said why she did it?

fulloflife · Answer

Clearly she still wants him if they're still texting and in contact. Leave her so she can be with him (the person she wants and texts). Go find someone who deeply cares for u and thatll never cheat on u. U and ur kids deserve better

JennieF · Answer

Forgive if you can, and do what's best for the kids.

karahiri · Answer

i think it's time you got a divorce.

Kaju4l · Answer

Dump her and your friend. Fuck em both

My wife cheated while I was away?

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