I'm married & I had an affair with a married man ..I need help.

Hello everyone,

This is not the least bit pleasant for me to type but I need help. I'm married and have been for 15 years. We have 2 kids together. The first several years of our marriage,was extremely unhappy.He use to be verbally abusive to me and all around jerk. He was never there for me and my kids and it got to the point ,where one day I just gave up on him.

I started searching for someone else to be with and I met someone online. He is also married and he has 3 kids. He's very unhappy as well and says that his wife is controlling ,insensitive,bad mother etc. When he and I met ,we fell hard for each other ,eventually we fell in love and I thought that my world was complete ,the only problem is ,we are both married. Well one day things started falling apart. His wife found out about me (although not details) and before I knew it ,he was gone. Never even a goodbye. Not even an email or a voice mail. Just gone .

About a year later ,he shows back up in my life(by sending me an email) and at first ,I resisted and told him that I didn't want to get hurt again and that my Husband and I were trying to work things out (which we really were trying to work on our marriage) but temptation got the best of me and I fell right back in his arms again and had been there for 2 years. Then the past 7 months or so ,he starts actiing like he's pulling away from me again ,he says he can't see me as often or call as often (which was hardly at all in the first place) .This past April ,he just seemingly drops off the face of the earth(again) . He didn't call me ,email me ,try to see me ,nothing. I was devastated and have been hurting so badly. I've been picking up the pieces of my broken heart for so long ,I honestly don't know what it feels like to not feel sad.

Out of the blue ,once again (2 days ago), He sends me an email telling me how sorry he is for not getting in touch sooner and that he stills love me ,that he thinks about me everyday. I actually hoped that I would not hear from him again (because it's too painful) and now that I have ,I feel like any amount of healing I've done over the last couple of months,is gone. I have turmoil all over again. I have not responded to him but it hurts so badly. I do love this man and I'm so confused. He stated that he told me even for a while ,he was seeing a divorce lawyer but he's still with her. I don't understand and right now ,I feel so broken hearted. Why does he keep coming in and out of my life like this? Just when I start to heal ,there he is again. I feel so bad because over the past few days ,i've not been very nice to my Husband and I know he's really trying to change but my heart is always somewhere else. Help. I don't think I can ever get over this man. I love him so much and it kills me inside to even think about living with out him and on the other hand ,I feel like if I get back into a relationship with him,i'll be miserable .

C


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You need to be the one to pull the plug in this roller coaster of a relationship.you have to have the strength to not answer any emails if necessary change phone numbers all info that gives him access to you.It seems to me that your husband is really trying to be with you and that he has been around for many years.Even though your in love with this man, he want his cake and eat it too.if he was really divorcing his wife he would of seperated from her .completely moved out.the whole nine. I think he is just giving you the run around and buttering you up enough to keep you by his side.I may be young but I just wanted to give you a young person's point of view.men are all the same no matter how old.

    It will hurt like hell to let him go but you have to be strong and take it day by day if your really serious about patching up the relationship with your husband and leaving this man alone.You should not put yourself through this misery by allowing this man to play tug'o war with your heart.

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    • Thank you ,Busygirl for your comments as well. I know you're right. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I have had dream after dream of being with this other man for the rest of my life. I can't imagine what life will be like without him. My counselor thinks he's not being straight with me but why can't I see that ?

What Guys Said 2

  • You will never be happy with this second man (not your husband). Think about it, your relationship with him has been an unrealistic fantasy relationship where you avoid all of the real life that is part of any healthy relationship. If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, that's one thing. But don't think that you will find happiness with this second man.

    I cheated on an ex girlfriend with a girl who was also in a relationship at the time. We met in secret and were very passionate with each other, and we always talked about being together. When she broke up with her boyfriend I broke up with my girlfriend to be with her. Our relationship only lasted 2 months until the thrill of it wore off and we realized how little we actually had in common. I know a marriage is different, but I'm just talking about what I experienced.

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    • Thank you for your comments !! I think you're right. I've been in counseling for a while and I have heard very similar things from her as well She tends to think that I would find much happiness with him ,if he ended up together but man ,it hurts. I haven't responded to him much at all and I feel myself getting depressed all over again. I can't imagine ever saying goodbye to him but yet I feel torn, I don't think I would be happy being the other woman,again. I feel so sad!!

  • Here's a interesting why in the hell are you still married to man that don't treat you good?

    And don't use the because you have kids excuse?Can you lame ohhhh?

    First get a divorce,and get your act together.

    Than when you feel ready line up prospect and weed out the good ones from the bad.

    problem/solution

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What Girls Said 9

  • Well first of all your marriage sounds like mine.15 years, verbally abusive, he could be a better father.etc. etc. but if you're still with him then you have to realize that you can't let your heart get involved when in an affair. Get what you're missing and get out. It sounds like this guy wants you when he needs you and then puts you back where he found you. Then when things get rough for him he finds you and gets what he needs to get him going again and drops you until it falls apart for him again. I hate to tell you this but it sounds like he's played this game before. If you're going to find someone you can't put your feelings into it? Were you looking for someone to fall in love with? Or someone to kill time with? If it's love and a better relationship then it's best to end the marriage you have right now and find someone who will take you seriously. If not, all a guy sees when he's messing with a married woman is NSA - NO STRINGS ATTACHED.regardless of what you may have talked about it will always be NSA to him.

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  • I would say avoid him. He hurt you once, you gave him a second chance, and he hurt you again. I know you care about him, but you have to face what he's done to you, and what he could end up doing to you again if you let him have another chance.

    But this is just me. Obviously I don't have nearly as much experience as I'm sure you and other women on this site do, so hopefully you get more responses and opinions to help you with this.

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    • Yes I do see your point,I feel it would be foolish of me to give him another chance.

  • I could go on forever but here it is cut and dry. Your situation is no fair to any one involved. If you are working on your marriage you need to tell this guy to leave you alone and stop all communication until you decide to stay or leave your husband. If you do leave your husband you should contact this man and tell him if he decides to leave his wife to give you a call when it is FINAL and not ever again until then. You have to end one relationship before starting a new one.(period) This is not fair to his wife or your husband no matter how terrible they are. I know all is easier said than done but if you are asking for advice this is mine. Good luck.

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  • Dear caligirl,
    It was fascinating for me to read your story, for I am in a situation that is similar in a way. Just a few weeks ago a married man who I've had an affair with pulled away, for his wife became suspicious. Just like in your case - no email, no voicemail. He just cancelled our meeting with a text message, I called him immediately, but he didn't reply, so I texted him back to say that Ok, that's a pitty. since then I was waiting for a call, or a mail, hoping that maybe he would explain me something. But no, nothing. And it's only now that I'm realising that he won't. It's been almost six weeks, and I've been waiting every single day.

    Apparently that's what they do... hypnic jerks.

    My situation is not as difficult as yours though. I also have someone, but I'm engaged, not married, I have no kids, neither does he, and the affair wasn't that serious I suppose (it only lasted a few months). But I think I can get a grisp on what you're going through, and I feel so terribly sorry for you. If this guy would email me in A YEAR telling me that he is sorry, I think I would seriously want to kill him.

    Definitely, it would be best to cut him off completely. It seems obvious that he is a jerk who doesn't know how to treat a lady, and possibly even if gets the divorce and you end up together, you will be miserable. Love does not suffice for a relationship to be happy. Much more is required. A relationship with no such strong feelings might be better than the one based on true love and passion. So assuming that he is a jerk, you would be unhappy with him, even if you love him and he loves you too.
    On the other hand - who knows. Maybe he acts like this because he's confused himself. Man don't admit it that easily but there is nothing simple in having an affair. Nobody here will tell you, we don't know him as well as you do, whether you might be happy eventually with him or not.

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    • Anyway, you have to make some decision, because what's going on now will just literally drive you crazy. Talk to the guy who you love, explain your fears, see how he reacts and what he can offer. Then take a few days to think, decide, and stick to your decision.

    • Listen to Fiona Apple (Oh well has beautiful lyrics, I keep listening to it over and over lately), and be strong, and treat yourself with love.
      best, sho.

    • Also, this is interesting how painful it is when they go like that. I wanted to end the affair myself on that meeting. But he cancelled it, so I had no chance. And the affair apparently died anyway. I shouldn't feel bad about it, since I wanted to end it myself... But the fact that he came upon me like such a jerk... I just can't get over this. All I need is some explanation - now what, who we are to each other (we used to be frends before and we work in the same field), why he cancelled etc. A few sincere words and I would have my peace and quiet back. But apparently he feels like he owes nothing to me.

      I also think that if you decide to get with the second guy, you should give him the condition - that you will be ready to do this only when he gets the divorce. Otherwise he might be playing you for years. (btw, I don't get those guys. I really believe they are not bad people. But for some reason they act in a way that really hurts others.)

  • Don't be a cheater. Don't do this to someone who has given you everything. Take me for example, I dated this guy for 5 years he was my first bf. I tried my best to be the best gf, I loved him and never did I doubt what he told me. My friends would always tell me he was a player but I didn't care on the contraire I tried to forgive him and make it work. One day, the side chick he was with texted me saying he was cheating on me and she sent me a picture of him sleeping on her bed. I was crushed. I would blame myself. Till this day I do, I tell myself I should of been even better than what I was. Its been 5 months and he's still trying to contact me and honestly I would forgive him but I know I shouldn't. Point is... don't do this to your partner.

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  • Wow, I'm going through a situation where I'm married and seeing a married man aswell. I'm telling you this so that you know I'm not being judemental or giving advice that I know nothing about. After reading your story, I just want to say: Don't go back. The guy is never going to leave his wife. He may feel something for you but it isn't love. He keeps leaving you hanging with no explanation. He will do it again. You are looking for love in the wrong place. As for your husband, I know exactly how hard it is to get feelings back once they're gone. If its possible then go for it, if not then you should get a divorce and try to put your life together. Staying the way it is, is just making you miserable and crazy. Best of Luck...

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  • Hi, I know how you feel. I have been with a married man for 8.5 years. This past month, he's not called once, and now, I feel it is over. Please tell me how you are doing or how you are getting through? I've been married almost 25 years, and I miss him terribly.

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  • I've read this twice and I'm still not sure if my advice will be good enough or even anything that will help. I suppose there are a lot of things to consider. One being do you still want to be with you're husband (even if there wasn't this other guy?) I would be upfront with the other guy. Tell him that he's hurt you and that you can't play that game again. Tell him that if you two are going to be together then it has to be you two. If you two are so unhappy in you're marriages then leave them. I realize there are kids involved but, nobody should live there lives unhappy if they have someone else who could make them happy. I would be very careful of the man you had you're affair with. Good luck.

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  • I think regardless of how things are with your husband right now, you should cut this internet man out of your life, he is doing you no good what so ever. He has already cut you out of his life many times with no explanation and expected you to welcome him back with open arms when HE felt like it, only to disappear yet again!

    You may love him, but realistically where is it going? At this stage you're hardly going to run off together and live happily ever after, and the way he is treating you is disgusting, it's not better than the way your husband is treating you.

    Be the decent person and send him an email explaining how you feel, and I then think you should cut him out of your life. yes you love him, but he is constantly hurting you.

    Concentrate on things with your husband, either try sort it out or call it a day and divorce as both of your relationships with these 2 men seem to be going nowhere and you're caught in limbo!

    I wish you the best of luck with your decision

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