Having an affair with a married man.

[Anonymous]

I'm married too... Not ideal I know. But I'm not here to be judged I'm here to try and understand how the male mind works . After 27 years of life I still don't understand you men! Lol

well... As I said, I'm having an affair with someone I work with. Happened out of the blue, it wasn't planned. It really did just happen ( cliche I know)

anyhoo, at work we just say hi and chat about work like we always did. Fine by me.

We see each other maybe every 1-2 weeks outside of work which again- fine by me.

The thing that I'm having trouble with is the zero contact we have between meets. I mean texts, I'm not allowed to text until he does first- we can go days without one. Then a quick missing you, are you free Saturday. His reasoning for this is his wife sometimes has his phone, I totally get that. But surely there must be opportunity to send a quick message? He's done it before and at the beginning I heard from him most days.

We've spoken and he said it's because the coast isn't clear. But I think there has to be time when he's alone?

My female friends think he's just not a 'texter' and uses texting as a tool to arrange things rather than a risky way of communicating with his lover.

When we're together it's fab. He tells me what he truly feels,we chat loads and he's pretty amazing ( it's not just sex) he's spike about us being a 'real couple' and told me that he loves me.

Still- without the communication in between I feel anxious and worried that this his just his technique ( he's in an arranged marriage and has been unfaithful before, one night stands though )

I guess what I'm asking is- WTF is going on, but from a male view point?

Emily x

[MandMandM]

> I'm here to try and understand how the male mind works

Hopefully the cross section of postings appalled at your conduct will have provided an insight, but I think you mean what do we think your co-conspirator thinks of you, rather than what is the general male reaction to this web of concealment and lies.

My perception is that your co-conspirator’s mind is deceitful to his wife and disrespectful of you because you both allow him to abuse you. She is probably turning a blind eye to his philandering because knowing what he is doing she can’t stand to be intimate with him. You are simply an illicit zero maintenance sexual convenience for him, and may not be the only partner outside of his marriage.

> It wasn't planned

I don’t see much distinction between the womanslaughter and the murder of two marriages, whoops, sorry I forgot to suspend judgment there momentarily. Don’t offer defences of your conduct if you don’t want condemnation.

> at work we conceal it. We see each other maybe every 1-2 weeks outside of work

> I don’t like zero contact between meets.

Too bad, that is the deal you have made. You have no rights that he doesn’t confer unless you go public and bust up both marriages. Chances are your “relationship” doesn’t survive that stress. Your marriage almost certainly doesn’t. As your husband I don’t know I’d even want to look at you after this.

> I can’t text until he does first. He can go days without one.

Well at least he’s got some restraint at something I suppose.

> there must be opportunity to send a quick message?

There would be if he cared about you. I’m afraid he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

> He's done it before and at the beginning I heard from him most days.

Yes, and now he has you exactly where he wants you, why would be put himself out any further than to arrange the next sex session. The fact that sometimes its cuddles and chat rather than bedroom gymnastics does not make this a relationship in the sense you hope for.

> My female friends think he's just not a 'texter'

They are delusional, or have issues being honest with you. You are foolish for involving more people in this web. The chance of it all blowing up grows exponentially with the number of people that know.

> He tells me what he truly feels, he's spoke about us being a 'real couple' and told me that he loves me.

You buy this? You may be delusional too.

> without the communication in between I feel anxious and worried that this his just his technique

You don’t say. You are being royally screwed in all senses. I don’t feel sympathy. Never mind the male mind, what were you thinking?

> WTF is going on

I have tried to set it out as clearly as possible above. I don’t see any happy ending for anyone in this scenario, except the other guy who will just probably move on and wreck other lives when all this gets out and he ditches you and his wife.

What a mess.

[kentpaul]

If this arrangement works for you, good for you, if it can save your marriage... although, it begs the question, if you're not happy in your marriage, why stay in it?

You say that this situation is not ideal, but if I were him, I'd go for a married woman, too:

- I don't have to see her all the time

- She'll be discreet because she has something to lose

- I get to spend only sweet quality time with her and she reserves her bitchy times for her husband

It think he could contact you more often, but the reason he's not is the same reason why he decided to go with a married woman: he doesn't want a second full-time relationship. He wants a few hours every week or so of quality time. Don't expect more and it should work well... until your husband finds out. But if you try to demand more time and attention, he'll run away. I hope this helps.

[mrsk01]

Hi Emily,

I'm a woman but have to answer this - I am in the same situation, well similar! I am married and am having an affair (hate calling it that but I guess that's what it is) I met a man 2years ago at a conference and he was very vocal about how "hot" he thought I was. We began texting and as he lives in a different country only have met 3 / 4 times since. The 1st we just kissed after being out in the pub - I felt extremely guilty - we kept texting and chatting on MSN and the other 2 times we met at conferences it progressed each time to us sleeping together a few months ago - both suddenly being hit by the "seriousness" of what we had just done! Vowing not to ever do it again - then saying we would not remain friends and eventually now it's gone back to us chatting online again. I won't go into all the desires I have for him as I too think he is a player and yeah I'm probably just someone he thinks is "hot" that gave it out to him and he thinks I will again...thing is I just can't seem to stop myself. I KNOW how wrong this is - I know I have reasons for it happening when in past years I would never have let something like this happen - I'm not going to give my life story either here.

I do just want to say that it's very easy for people to say what crap morals we have etc etc etc - look we know all of that. I'm the only one who knows the extremes of the guilt I feel - I won't leave my husband and I certainly do not want the other guy to leave his wife - that is not the outcome that I want. I know I need to stop this ... but I can't curtail the excitement I feel when he texts me...I really do wish I could drop it, really I wish I had never met him - but some people would say I would have went off and shagged someone else - but I know different and I won't be hurt by comments from people that don't know me.

I just want to say to you that you are not alone - enjoy the excitement of the attention - but do this with your eyes open - be realistic about the end of this - it will fizzle out or someone will get really really hurt (prob you) I really hope that you find happiness eventually :-)

Look after yourself xx

[CuriousEddie]

Nice candor -- good answer.

Are you still continuing? -- and I wonder if the question asker is

[Anonymous]

He is using you for sex obviously ? like come on .. he is MARRIED he has sex with his wife too that's why he deosnt text or ring He isn't BOTHERED your just the OTHER women as for saying he loves you its so NOT true like all married men say this to the other women he just wants to flatter you that's all he will never leave his wife when I say never I mean never ..if he really did mean it he would make time to see you make time to call you and defo make time to send a small text and even at that why wouldn't he get another phone because he isn't BOTHERED ..look I know you must have feelings for him and all and I know its going to be hard but you must leave the relationship now because believe me you don't know how hard its going to get ..when the wifes finds out and she will I'm telling you she will it doesn't last for long also if he has kids what are they going to think when they grow up ''oh your daddy isn't here anymore he left for a housewrecher '' that's all your going to be known as a housewrecher because your jsut going to ruin your life .his life ,the wifes life,and children if he has any ...married men are the most outgoing men of them all they will say or do anything to get into a womens pants and then pretend they love you but they don't yea at first they probarly are attracted to you or fancy you but that is as far as it goes ...Just move on get your on life find someone who will respect you and really loves you if you don't girl I'm telling you there's going to be world war 2 just sit back and think about it ,think about what your doing ! And yeaah he is BASTERD !

[Butterfly_kisses09]

You mean world war 3? There has already been 2 world wars...just saying.

[debsman]

She is married too, but HE is the bastard?

[Opinion Owner]

Opps she is married too ? OK well lets just say what goes around comes around god help her husband he deserves better there both as bad as each other ..sorry for just judging him !

[Asker]

As I said. I'm not here to be judged.

I have my reasons for the affair, which I don't want to go into on here. An affair was my last chance of a life at this moment in time. It's truly my best option.

I'm aware of how wrong it is.

I didn't go out looking for an affair- I didn't wane up one morning and think ' I know, I'll wear my hair down, cook roast chicken for supper and while I'm

at it I might just go ahead and start having an affair'

It just happened.

[Marshall33]

Of all the men you could of had an affair with you choose a married one that propositioned you rather than seek out another man better suited to your circumstance. I am sorry but I do judge you because you should judge yourself instead of me. If you did I would support you but you don't. You just keep deceiving your husband and you are afraid of facing your life's needs and desires with this affair with the married guy. Point is what is the justification for your affair? You do not mention it ..

[Asker]

He didn't proposition me. It did just happen.

We were good friends before this, knew each other a long time. My only justification without giving you my life story is that I deserve to be happy too. This is my only option at this present time and you know, for once in a very long time I feel

alive. Not sad and numb.

[Anonymous]

Ok, first of all your situation sounds so familiar to the same situation I was in... Since the last time I saw him it was clear that I was just being used... I felt like crap and decided that I wasn't going to have anything to do with him.. It has been four months and since then I have found out that he was doing anything in sight... I look back and think how stupid I was, and I realized that my marriage was worth saving.. We need to be thankful for what we have in our lives now... Seriously girl, he is using you, having his cake and eating it too.. I learned the hard way! (four years of that crap) I am dreading when karma is going to catch up with me.. End it now.. Trust me.

[Marshall33]

You are concerned about the unloyal, inconsistent behavior of your married affair partner and NOT of your husband not knowing you are having an affair. ? Your female friends are NOT friends at all. If they are giving you reasons for your affair person being unfaithful to you in certain terms then they are NOT your friends !

He is having an affair with you NOT a relationship and he wants to ensure to experience the pleasure of the excitement of having one women crave for him while serving his material needs (his wife) all awhile having uncomplicated affair with you (until he finds the next affair when he realizes you are thinking all this and communicate to him and make things complicated for nothing). You are serving his sexual needs. Nothing more. Nothing less ! Go think about these things in your marriage and build excitment in that safe dynamic rather than lose eerything with this man who ONLY likes that he gets guaranteed sex every time he sees you. And the way you are giving him so much importance and serving him why will he change? he does NOT want 2 wives. He wants guaranteed sex. Wake up before it is too late !

[Asker]

You're probably right- I hope you aren't but I guess it's likely. Thing is, he did say to me if he was just wanting to get laid he would ( he has before)

We work together and he said he wouldn't risk anything at work for a quick fumble.

And yes. Awful as I am. I'm concerned about my lovers behavior rather than my husband finding out. Terrible but true sadly.

[islands7]

From this male point of view - this behavior means ... mmmmmm

If I was doing this to you, then I value my relationship with wife more than you

but I don't respect marriage not even if you became my wife.

I really do like, even love you - I feel a guy can love two (or more) gals at the same time and have loving sex with both (or more).

I don't have the time nor money to dedicate more to you, not even our own phone for our private messages, et al. but I do get both horny & lonely for you every week or so.

I'm so glad you're there for me, waiting like a loving puppy to lick me all over and sad to see me go. You are a good girl for obeying my privacy rules.

You know, there's really nothing wrong with what I'm doing ... except the sex cheating on marriage vows and leading you on that something more is in store for you. Even if you graduated to wife, I'd have to have a sex playmate on the side ... and will better at concealing it with all this experience you've given me.

I hope you send me some VDay flowers to my home tomorrow! Then I'll show you my true feelings for you. Please sign the card With Love, your name & address/phone.

[nate18]

this guy ^^^^^hes rite.

[Asker]

Something in this one. For sure. It made me laugh too :-/

ONE thing I should point out is that both of us shouldn't be married ( infidelity aside) it's just unfortunate that there's nothing we can do about it yet.

Also, sounds cliche. But it's not just sex. Last time we met we could of had sex, but we didn't. We chatted for 7 hours and held each other. It's not as seedy as a quick fumble in the back of a car.

[Arwens-Fire]

Ummmmm...you do know this is not going to work out on any level besides the sex you two are having.Please know,that he is NOT going to leave his wife for you,and if you think he is,youre delusional. Sorry but he doesn't care enough aout you to text you etc. He doesn't want to put his marriage in that extreme of a risk...therefore...hes not. It's a "dont call me,i will call you sort of thing"as in, things are being done on his terms. No I'm not a guy,but this is quite obvious.

Also,things don't just happen.Theres a moment where you can rationalize your behavior.If you CHOOSE to go own the road less traveled,then...get ready for the consequences,whether positive or negative. Get ready to be strung along because he is NOT leaving his wife.There...i said it twice. Good luck:)

[Anonymous]

If NO sex, then this relationship and lack of communication for spells would be my penpal over which my wife would be jealous needlessly.

However, because there IS sex - then you are my mistress that is to provide me with what my wife can't/won't when/if I say. I could get this from a prostitute but I haven't yet fallen emotionally for one yet, they cost a lot and then there's the STD thing. So you'll do for now. If I was afraid I would lose you or you couldn't be replaced, perhaps I'd communicate more. For now, it's enough of my time & complication of life that I have to step outside my marriage to find what I want.

You are a convenience, in that the one night stands are ever more complicated and since they are not emotionally invested in me, they hold the threat of outing me to my wife. I certainly couldn't be inconvenienced w/o the wife and all those comfies, now could I? If you are uncomfortable with my behaviour, then that's too bad. This is all about me.

[Jonny_]

I think he's having his cake and eating it too... If he wanted to he could leave his wife. I'd not take 'it's complicated' as an excuse either, because sneaking around and lying isn't exactly easy. Leaving his wife would actually make it easier. I don't judge either of you really, I've no reason to. Just thought I'd mention it incase I seem like I'm being harsh on purpose, but it's realistic.

[Asker]

Thank you for not judging.

I should have mentioned he's from a very religious family ( muslim) he's not religious... It would be hard for him to leave his marriage- especially for a White woman :-/ it was an arranged marriage.

Plus, it's not been going on long enough to both of us to leave our spouses..

Should have mentioned that before lol

[Jonny_]

Don't think it matters, arranged marriages are often divorced these days. If it's still in the early stages I'd end it personally, as stercor says you're more than likely being toyed with anyway you have a good reason to leave if he were to question it. I'd just end it before you run into problems i.e. coming under suspicion, especially since this doesn't seem worth the drama.

[heyyathere]

You expect not to be judged ah would you cop on like your married and he is married both yer partners deserve way better ! how would you like if your husband was cheating ? and don't say you wouldn't care because you would well I couldn't blame him if he did , just hope whoever they are that realize and the sooner the better anonymous user below took the words straight outta my mouth ...oh god what are marriages coming to these days really pisses me off BIG TIME ! I hope none of ye have kids >:(...

[diamond3]

do you want more out of him then just sex? It seems like since you all are both married that he assumed that that's all you all wanted was a little sex on the side. But it seems that that isn't what you want. I think at the beginning you wanted the sex only but now you have caught feelings.. but that is not what the guy signed up for. It is best you walk away because it will not go past casual sex. so either take it for what it is or find a guy that wants to wine and dine you

[TheHaitianQueen]

Karma's a bitch what goes around comes around he's obviously using you and that's what you get for cheating on your husband :) You made vows to be with that one person nothing justifies having an affair if your not going to be faithful at least have the decency to get a divorce

[Anonymous]

I know you said from a male viewpoint but I had to comment. You're lucky he's texting at all. Neither should you. Unless you want to increase your chances of getting caught. Remember that when he text you, if he's smart he needs to preplan enough time to text you, wait for a response from you and erase all of the text all before he gets in the presence of his wife. Its not just a quick text.

[stercor]

You're being toyed with.

It sounds like you're not the only one he's involved with.

[Marshall33]

Good point Stercor ! He is probably already looking for other options or will soon. And why Should he care what she thinks when he only had to proposition her to get her to agree to cheat her husband etc. If he cared about the arranged marriage he would seek tomake it work or leave it then do something else but right now he is covering his tracks well. What better option that an office affair to never have your wife suspect you could be having an affair. enough to have an

[Asker]

Firstly Marshall. Yes there is a possibility I'm

not the only one ( besides his wife) that's something I need to discuss with him.

Secondly- he didn't proposition me. It happened without a callous conversation about it. We were actually very good friends for 6 years before this.

He is unhappy within his marriage as am I.

For now this will have to suffice. However cowardly and wrong it is. I think you're being very naive in your thinking. Not everything is black and White.

[Kellyrose81]

Hello I think the question should be how would you both feel if your spouses were or even maybe are doing the same thing to you both you I think you both need to think of the people who are being hurt by your love affair I think you both need to sit down and see if the affair that clearly stated by you can't really go beyond what it is at this stage I don't think he is worth your relation ship with your husband

[Kellyrose81]

Hi everyone makes mistakes in life and I do think for you this will be a very regrettable choise that feels good at the time but in the end guilt will get to you because when you choose to get married you I assume you and your husband committed to each other only forever or until deivorse at lest drop this bloke go to your husband and have the exciting affair with him before he dose the same to you witch will happen if your not attending to him properly ? Think about it I feel for your dilemma

[Wpwill]

He just wants sex. If he really wanted to be with you he would. He wants the excitement. Do your self a favor and walk away confess what is going on to your husband and his wife and see what happens. If he wants to be with you so much he will but my guess is he will say you started it all and he will dump you and say it was all a mistake

[malekoniky]

You cannot base your happines on unhappynes of others. Married man? It will end up miserably!

What is going on? He is using you! You have no rights in his eyes. Just a tool, a thing, object.

[brianccc]

He probably is just not a texter, gut it may be smart not to let to many people in on your little secret haha. Honeslty tellceveryone else to go to hell becaue it's your life and you shud do what you want

[martyfellow]

You're just a fun diversion for him. I'm guessing he's older, a boss type? Get over it, you're just another of his many.

[Vasillilaw]

eh...(sigh) That's all I have to say about this. lol.

[Anonymous]

lol I'm praying for karma to bite you in the ass so hard that blood comes out in your poo

[Anonymous]

"he's spike about us being a 'real couple'"

What do you mean by "spike"? I'm not following the lingo.

What made you want to have the affair? Is your husband not treating you right?

[7gnat]

Any updates yet? still being a dirty wench? or were you caught and did he push you down a flight of stairs?

[Anonymous]

You're his whore and that is all you will ever be. Its pathetic.

[theeng]

Watch the movie "He's just not that into you," and look at the relationship between Scarlet Johansson's character and Bradley Cooper's. That's usually how these things turn out and what your story made me think of.

[Anonymous]

best answer? hahahahahaha!

it's just what you wanted to hear that got an A+, oh brother! O.o

[Asker]

At the time... It was the only answer that actually answered my question. Without the judging. I best myself up enough about this situation without people who don't know me adding their bitchy 2 pennies worth.

[7gnat]

bitchy? wow talk about bitchy. Being a deceitful lying scumbag to someone you made vows to. that is what I call bitchy.