My boyfriend won't propose.

So here's the situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years and living together for a year and a half. We've been talking about marriage for about 6 - 9 months now since we started going to a lot of our friends' weddings, but he hasn't popped the questions.


We've talked in depth about it and he wants to marry me, but feels weird about marriage and views engagement as being married. I've pointed out that engagement is different because we aren' t legally bound to each other.


He wants me to wait 2-3 years to get married, but will not propose in the mean time. I feel that if he wants me to wait that long, he should at least be able to make some sort of commitment.


I know I made a wrong move by moving in together with him because he is one of those guys who get's comfortable with how things are and doesn't see the point in fixing something that isn't broken. It seems unfair that we should live like we're married when we are not though since it seems like I end up taking care of a lot of the laundry and dishes.


SO I guess the questions ultimately comes down to is it worth sticking out the best years of my youth to wait for a maybe marriage? Or should I just call it quits and throw in the towel?

 

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  • My ex hubby sounds very "similar" to the guy that you are dating. Our courtship lasted 3 years before he proposed and we lived together for 2 of the 3 years before we got engaged.


    I would hang in there -- you are so young -- and there's really no rush. I would suggest to him "drop him hints" that you are looking for a LONG engagement and not to rush in to marriage right away. That might qwell is fears of an immediate nuptuals that might not fit into his plans.


    The impetus for my ex proposing was simply because he adored me -- and it was the right time for both of us. He had graduated from Uni -- and I was going into grad school. We wanted to start our life together and I wasn't in a rush. He actually had the ring for 6 months before he proposed. I found it while cleaning the house.


    That being said -- because we met so young -- and started dating when I was 19 -- we eventually out grew our relationship with one another and are now divorced. Although we are still very close friends. My life and career took a different direction -- and he wanted the stay at home wife, white picket fence and to smoke weed and play playstation all day. We just wanted different things and had to let go.


    So make sure that the decision you are making -- is the right one. In that (like me at the time) I was focused on marriage because it seemed everyone else was doing it... and not that we were the right fit for the long haul. This is the REST OF YOUR LIFE together... make sure you are truly committed to the for-better or worse... and that he isn't staulling becauase he's waiting for someone better to come along.

  • I once had a complete meltdown in bed with my now husband because I felt he was never going to propose...what I didn't know is that he already had the ring and was waiting "for the right moment" he was planning this big event and it kinda pissed him off that I almost ruined itlol I feel bad about how I acted now but I know exactly how you feel. Just be patient alittle while longer. I know it's frustrating though ...Good luck!

    • It's been made pretty clear that he won't be proposing for at least a year or two. I feel myself emotionally pulling away because of this. I think I am just trying to protect myself.

  • Selected as most helpful

    If your relationship is otherwise healthy there is no reason to leave him. Talking about marriage is OK on your part (don't over do it and if he gets annoyed lay off the subject for a few days/weeks/months) but if you talk about him proposing he will resist and push it father off. This won't be to spite you but no guy wants to feel pushed into asking a girl to marry him even if he is very much in love with that girl. I know this won't be the greatest thing to hear but many girls would much rather be in your shoes right now, first, you have a boyfriend, second he is willing to talk about and consider marriage. Again my whole answer is based on the presumption that it is an otherwise healthy relationship.

    • early on in a relationship with a previous girlfriend while we were having sex 1-3 times a day I never got jealous of any guy she talked to and never worried about her cheating on me. she had more guy friends than any of my other previous gfs. a few years into the relationship when the sex was only 1-2 times a week I got way more worried about who she was talking to, texting and emailing. I don't think this will be the same for all guys but it was true in my case.

    • It was a healthy relationship, but the whole marriage thing really became an issue the last month. We talked it out: it's a lot of cultural and personal differences. But the last week he's been overly possessive and jealous about this one guy friend I have. This has happened before, but this time it seems to be even more intense then before. He'll be peering over my shoulder when I write text messages to see who I'm texting and accusing me of deleting messages amongst other things.

  • If you wouldn't be happy living with this guy forever and not married (which is a possibility) then give him a reasonable deadline and move on if he isn't willing and marriage is crucial to you.


    To me your conduct towards each other seems more important than the ceremony. If there are kids involved or one of you dies then marriage definitely has benefits (vs having no rights against each other or each others' estate), otherwise a good relationship is worth holding onto.

  • You can't make him propose.


    Maybe he's just not as committed as you. You shouldn't leave him just because he's not committing. That's as if you're forcing him to be with you, in a way.

    • Then it's up to you to feel how committed he is. If you really don't think he'll stay with you, then move on. Have a serious talk with him and tell him what you told us.

    • I guess I feel like if I wait for 2-3 years like he wants me to and he decides not to marry me, then I would've wasted those 2-3 years waiting for him. That just doesn't seem fair to me.

  • I don't think you should have to wait 2-3 years more if you have already started talking about it. But I don't think you should throw in the towel quite yet. Let him know that you will not wait that long, and then give him another 6 months to make his move. Just remember that the longer he makes you wait, the less he needs to propose because you will be less willing to call things off and start from scratch with someone else.

    • I am planning to move out in the summer. It won't be contingent on whether he proposes or not because I don't want it to be an ultimatum. I just feel like I need space to see where this is all going and what it is I really want.

  • dont leave him over this, if he wants to wait a few years to get married it means he wants to get married, he just needs some time for that level of commitment. he's already living iwth you, that should show he cares, and while engagement and marriage isn't the same, engagement is still a big step that he may need time for, especaily considering 2-3 years until marriage is a long time, there's no rush on teh proposal. and if it really means that much to you, why don't you propose to him?

    • The 2-3 years is his timeline. I wouldn't mind getting married right now. I've been thinking maybe I'm just not the right girl for him which is why he won't propose.

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