If you want a guy to very seriously consider you as marriage-material do you...?

a) take it slowly, get to know him, see where things go and maybe have sex after 7-9 months

OR

b) save it till engagement / marriage?

I am a sweet girl, career-minded, adventurous, down-to-earth, pretty, but nerdy as well. I respect myself and respect guys that I am going out with, but I don't want to find myself in a situation where I'm dating a guy who isn't too serious or just wants to take advantage or play games. What would you suggest?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's hard to say and I don't think a) or b) matters as much as the individual situation. I wouldn't do it any sooner than (a) but if you guys are just fireworks together and it's like a life changing relationship and you BOTH want to do it then you might want to do it before marriage. You go by your own standards and if the guy respects you and truly loves you it won't be a problem AT ALL if he has to wait. It doesn't matter what kind of downward spiral the rest of the world is going down, you do your thing and if he isn't cool with that then maybe HE isn't marriage material. I waited 3 years with a girl and then it didn't even work out in the end cause she turned out to be kind of a bad person. So he can do it if he really loves you. You do what makes you comfortable in your own skin, only then can you really feel completely and deeply comfortable against somebody elses. Sex should not only feel good at the moment but also looking back on it, you should still feel good about the choice you made. Only then is it really fulfilling and worth it to me. I hope this helps.

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    • I so appreciate how in depth you answered that. And I'm really sorry about that 3 year girl - you sound like a great person who respects girls/women. Good advice, thank you!

    • I concur.

What Guys Said 4

  • I don't think you can put hard and fast rules or timetables on for sex. You're definitely on the right track by establishing an emotional connection first. When the sexual connection cools a little bit, there will still be a strong connection, which isn't the case when the relationship is all about sex. The longest I ever waited to sleep with a girlfriend was 4 months, but she was a virgin when we got together. We were together for about two years after that too.

    I don't think it's as important to set a timetable as it is to make decisions like that together. If you say you think you'd like to wait until marriage and he acts like a stubborn child, then that ought to tell you something about how he'll handle disagreements in the future. I'm at the point where I feel pretty satisfied with my sexual experiences that I would be perfectly willing to wait until marriage for sex for the right woman. There is one point of caution though which is that it's good to know how sexually compatible you and your partner are, since presumably you will be with only this person for the rest of your life. That's why in the long run, I don't think it hurts to have an active sex life before marriage as long as the foundation of the relationship has long since been laid, no pun intended.

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    • Let's say at some respectable point down the road, sex is involved.. I guess the question would be is what is it about a girl that would ensure that he doesn't just get too comfortable or take her for granted? What aspects about a girl keep a guy on his toes after sex where he doesn't just assume he's more or less in control and doesn't have to continue to win her over? I mean this genuinely- not to play games or anything like that.

  • Honestly, this is the kind of thing you need to be able to openly discuss with your boyfriend, don't you think? After all, if you are looking for someone to be serious and who would make good husband-material, then you should be able to talk with him about ANYTHING. If you can't communicate with a guy NOW, then your marriage will be doomed from the start. Some of the biggest causes of any break-up or dispute (or war, for that matter) are a lack of simple communication, listening, understanding, empathy or compromise. A marriage is a partnership, both legal and intimate, and it's success depends upon how well you two work together. It's pretty difficult to work as a team, however, if one or both of you doesn't tell the other what they are thinking/planning/feeling, yet that's what many people do anyway. Sex is a very important issue in a relationship, and it's DEFINITELY something you should feel comfortable talking with your partner about. After all, doesn't seem a little silly to give yourself to a person, both physically and emotionally, (possibly even your life and future children's care, should you desire to be married to them), yet be unable to share simple thoughts or feelings with them? My opinion: if you aren't ready to talk with a guy about this, then you aren't ready to marry one, either.

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    • Um.. I just got out of a break-up & all I'm trying to do is figure myself out & define my own standards BEFORE I get into another relationship. I don't see why that would be considered a negative thing. To do so I read, I ask questions. I have absolutely no problem talking to a significant other about important issues such as this one. When I meet my next boyfriend, I plan on being nothing but open about my own convictions as well as finding out his <3

    • Ah, I see. I appologize, then...I misunderstood your meaning. I am glad you are open about such things. I hope my future girlfriend can be as open with me as well.

  • Please please please: There is nothing you would cherish more in long term than the fact that you never got into pre-marital sex. I mean not even in engaged life.

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    • I think you're right. I've been thinking about it the last couple of days and not even for religious or moral reasons, I think it's just right for me. I feel totally at peace with that decision whereas I didn't with others.

    • I'm proud of you. Bless you. And may you succeed in life.

  • A.

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What Girls Said 3

  • it's best to wait as long as possible..you do not want him thinking right off that you are easy and stuff..then he will not take you seriously. this has happened with me with my boyfriend now..and I had to basically prove to him that I wasn't really like that. Automatically, he assumes I'm easy..not a good start :-/

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  • i had sex with him on our first date and over a year later we're still together and engaged! its all relative to the people involved. do what feels right with that person :D

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  • If you're having concerns that he might disrespect you if you do it too soon and maybe ditch you then maybe you need to hear yourself out. If he REALLY loves you and sees your relationship turning to marriage he'll respect you wanting to wait til marriage and wait with you.

    If he doesn't he probably won't be okay with waiting.

    But that being said if you want it, feel comfortable with the guy you are with and trust him and know that if something happened and you two broke up you'd be okay with having slept with him - then by all means go ahead.

    If you can't deal with that possibility - then don't.

    A friend of mine started sleeping with their partner at the beginning of the year and things went south and they broke up recently. My friend says they were okay with having broken up because when they decided to sleep together my friend had considered the possibility that things might end. My friend is okay with the fact that they slept with someone they aren't with anymore.

    Another of my friends deeply regrets having slept with the person they did because she didn't think that they would ever end - and most unfortunately they did.

    I'm not saying that your relationship will end, but to be 100% okay with sleeping with your partner you have to accept that it COULD end and deal with that possibility before you sleep with them.

    I hope that whatever you choose to do makes you happy and that when you do decide to have sex that its beautiful the way it should be, and that if he's "the one" in your mind that it never ends. Live long and prosper hunny!

    I myself am in the midst of making a similar decision :)

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    • All of this definitely makes so much sense! It really does put things into the right perspective. If you're in the midst of making the same decisions then maybe you understand what I mean by not being a prude person or anything like that, but just wanting it to be special and to be treated right. Not that where you live matters, but I live in LA and it can be super crazy. I have lots of guy friends and after seeing their antics I'm actually a little bit surprised - even good guys!

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    • Its a silly minor comparison but my first kiss was with a bad kisser in a bad movie. I hated it. The next guy I kissed about a year later kissed me outside on his lawn at midnight as fireworks were going off. Actual fireworks in the sky. It just happened to be a fireworks night - but it was so much more special and memorable. It was what my first kiss SHOULD have been. I'm over it, lol, but I don't want the first time I sleep with someone to make me feel how I felt about my first kiss.

    • well said! I'd go with this advice

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