Is there a way for me to stop being obsessed over getting engaged and married?

My boyfriend and I have been together for four and a half years, and I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He appears to feel the same way. Whenever he talks about the future he says things like "when we're married", "when we own a house", and "when we have kids". However, he has yet to propose or talk at all about an engagement.

I asked him about a year ago why he hadn't proposed yet or if he planned to in the near future and his response was that he wasn't ready. I asked why not or what would make him ready, but he got upset and I backed off.

Ever since then, this has been gnawing at me. Surely if he really intended to marry me, he would have plans to ask or would have already done it, right?

He has a stable job with a good company. I work part time because I'm in school, but I make decent money for a student. I plan to get my masters and go to law school, so I'll be in school for at least four more years. We're moving in together next month and everything seems good on that end.

At the same time, I'm questioning why this means so much to me. Would a ring on my finger change our relationship and its dynamics at all? Am I more concerned about the promise of a lifetime together instead of just his casual words?

I know you guys can't solve my problems for me, since you don't know what I'm thinking (hell, I don't even know), but I would love some insight and your interpretations. Thanks so much.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you should focus more on enjoying your time together and not worry so much about planning things out. You've been together for so long and he must love you so much; just moving in together is a very big step, I think that's exciting enough.

    I don't mean to sound cheesy, but his love is a promise in itself. A ring means nothing without that love, which you already have. I think we (girls mostly) tend to get ahead of ourselves and worry about the future instead of realizing what we already have.

    I get the same way about moving in with my boyfriend (and someday marrying him). There are times when I just want it to happen right away because it seems so exciting and I'd love for him to be all mine in every way possible. But I just have to remind myself that he already is! Haha and I know that, and I'm sure you do too in your heart. And you have plenty of time to do all that together, you have the rest of your lives together, and that's really what's important. Everything else will come :)

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What Guys Said 3

  • I realize you aksed this ages ago, but just happened upon it and thought I'd answer anyway.

    I was with a girl for over 5 years before I finally decided I was ready to commit to her by proposing. Until then, I still saw myself as a young person who was growing up. One day I realized that actually I was 21 and an adult, and we'd been together a long time. I spent 3 months thinking about it, then bought the ring 2 months before I was going to propose on her 21st birthday. It didn't happen in the end, but that's irrelevant. What I'm trying to say is that it can take a long time to get into the frame of mind. I wouldn't have married her until we had lived together for a while, but I decided that proposing was an appropriate way of showing her how much I love and care for her and how much I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Before that, I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her, but the rest of my life seemed way too far away to even consider.

    So basically it's nothing to worry about. I think that moving in together is as big a committment as getting married in some ways, so be greatful that you're doing that. Maybe that will be enough to make him realize like I did that he is grown up and you are both adults who are ready to settle down.

    I hope it all works out for you, but seriously, don't worry about it yet.

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  • I think he is trying to give you more better future then now, like he want to stand on his foot more then now,

    when he will get there goals then I m sure he will purpose you for marry.

    and I don't think any more reason for him.

    Good luck

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  • if you mean by marriage a law contract, than that's something that's not in the best interest on men to do. if you mean something symbolic, its still just a human tradition for the man to make the proposal

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What Girls Said 6

  • Sometimes we need to let things happen on their own. 4 years might seem like a lot, but depending on your age and where you two are in life, it can be a short time. You are still in school. Perhaps he's waiting until you are done school until he proposes. That way you two will have lots of time to plan a wedding? Or at least have the stability of both of you working full time jobs.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to get married. It gnaws at me too sometimes. I have a bunch of friends who are either getting married and having babies. And at this stage in my life I feel like I am falling behind because I am just going to school, trying to start a good future. Most of my friends skipped going to college to have kids. Although I do realize that going to college was probably the best choice, I still feel as though a part of my life is missing. I feel where you are coming from. We all want that promise that someone will marry us and be with us for the rest of our lives.

    But what I find is that you have to just let stuff blossom sometimes. I know it seems like a long time, but unless he is ready, he won't be ready to propose. He has to make that decision on his own. Now, you have a right to ask for some sort of a timeline though. Ask him realistically when he feels he will be ready. Hopefully you can get an answer out of him for that one. I do think he should have a general idea.

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  • You know what you have? A bad case of "senioritise." It's a condition some girls get in or close to their senior year in college because they get alittle nervous about the future. And if they have a boyfriend, they really, really want to get married and it almost borders on OCD.

    Relax. Take a deep breath. It's all good. You have a great guy who wants the same things that you do you. And you have a plan all mapped out. Now just relax & enjoy your life. Have some fun. You will get there if you don't keep nagging him about it & blow it. You are young, you have law school. You have the rest of your life to get married. It will happen, girl! It will happen.

    These are the days to have fun & enjoy each together without distractions of kids, family, etc.

    It's senioritise, Take 2 margaritas and call me after law school!

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  • hey, its a good sign in itself that your boy mentions marriage and future even when he talks casually..coz by experience I tell you that many guys get upset at the very mention of these words.

    dont doubt his integrity and loyalty towards you.as you say that he has a stable job and it is you who still needs 4 years to complete your studies.it is highly probable that he wants you to complete your studies before the two of you get married..and that's not a bad thing..perhaps after 4 and a half years of bring together..he expects you to understand him,without him having to explain..

    as far as his not being ready is concerned..let me tell you that its not just enough to have a job to be ready to marry..he needs to be ready on the mental level too..n you should understand that..its a great thing that you guys are moving in together..may be staying with you will make him realize how perfect life is and initiate him to get engaged..n dear its d love that matters..ring or no ring..so just relax and enjoy being in love..!

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  • I think he loves you, and in his mined you are both already married . I personally think you as a women ,that is into the romantic notion of two people whom are in love take the next logical step and get married I don,t think your obsesed with wanting to get married what you are going through is very natural and I think it seems these days people think marriage is not important to be committed to one another for some people that is enough I have been with my patner for ten no eleven years now and we are just now talking about preparing to marry we have just started to save and we got engaged about 7 years ago I think if you love him and he loves you he will propose to you when the time is right for both of you your young you hVe plenty of time for all that later

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  • just propose to him:)

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  • You're still with him after he's cheated multiple times. You just asked a question about a girl calling claiming to be his girlfriend not too long ago. Of course he isn't ready to settle down; he can't even be faithful.

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    • wow! why would anyone want to be with someone who cheats on them multiple times?

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