Is it an advantage or disadvantage to marry someone you knew as kids?

Do you think it is an advantage or disadvantage to be with someone you knew as kids?

I think it is a disadvantage because I am with one now and I wish I didn't know his past and the things he has done.

If I knew someone only from when they were like 25+ and not when they were kids then it would be easier to be like, my past is my past and we should just base our future on our future.

For some reason I can't get rid of his past out of my mind. I feel like because who he was in his past, even though he says he'll change for me (so he was still the person in his past when he met me) I can't forget who he was when I met him and who he was when he was in his past. Like you know? I had him changed to believe that certain things he did in his past with drugs and sexual immorality were wrong. I just don't feel I can love him much. This goes through my mind so much and I have no one to tell this to. So I am on here a lot.

I'm so confused... but it's not as bad as it seems.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The advantage is, you know what you got. The important question, though, is do you want what you got?

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What Guys Said 2

  • "I had him changed"... This one phrase has me baffled. It is extremely hard for human beings to change habits and identities. It is IMPOSSIBLE for that change to be forced from outside, regardless of the amount of persuasion or penalty, without acceptance and initiative from the person who HAS TO CHANGE THEMSELVES.

    In other words, either your love interest has NOT changed with regards to their appeal for drugs and views on sex, or they have changed ... but that change was something they really wanted, for themselves. (Of course, maybe this happened, I don't know him.)

    What I suggest to you, with regard to your question, is to realize that your idealization of the relationship that starts later in life is the "grass greener on the other side." In reality, chances are the person you meet later will confess things about their earlier life, anything but the most heinous or illegal (and maybe even that) will eventually be confessed because not confessing will weigh on their heart too heavily. What's more, you'll only have their framing of the facts and your assumptions about the tale, so is that really better than knowing? Not really.

    The real questions are whether you can reconcile yourself with his past and make a future with him. That seems contingent on whether he has actually changed. I suggest that you take a very hard look at the present and recent past, looking for REAL evidence of change, not just promises from him or your own wishes for him. Success in recovery from drug use should be measured in the months they've been without incident and also in who they still hang out with (their friends who still use can't really be around him if he's to stay clean). He'll need counseling and effort to get out of the woods but,...

    It seems like you have real feelings for him, so you should recognize how valuable this can be in life, but also recognize that you have to use your mind to understand who he is and whether he will be the kind of person who you will be happy with.

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    • No, I know he has changed. I have known him since we were 10 years old and we are now 25. When we decided to date and marry at 24, he promised to change before we got married. But for some reason I still deep down feel like he is just pretending to change. I am afraid to have kids with him because I feel he will have our kids grow up immorally. We both want kids, but I just don't know if I can have kids who will call him father. I think it'd be easier if I didn't know all his sins...

  • "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children," - - Mark Twain

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    • What does that mean? I need some interpretation. I am familiar with him so I feel sort of like I "know" him and can get comfortable with him. But then I know him too well, and well I told him I didn't like his certain qualities. so then he said he'd change for me. I accepted but then I can't really accept. I guess it wouldn't be such a problem if both us really want to have kids but it is ME who doesn't want to have kids with HIM because I feel he'll raise our kids the way he grew up.

    • People ask other people to change all the time. Parents ask kids, workers ask employees, bf's ask gf's and vice-versa. You really can't expect change always to happen, and you should take it as a big warning sign if he says he'll change "FOR YOU" ... because that is NOT how people bring about real change in their lives. If he really wanted to change, he would do it FOR HIM. This just sounds more and more like there is NO evidence that he has changed at all.

      I'd say your gut is right to worry.

    • I don't think you need any interpretation at all. Sounds to me like you understand the dilemma thoroughly.

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