Marriage and not changing names? Help wanted.

So, my boyfriend and I are not getting married any time soon, but we have discussed it a bit and the subject of me changing my name came up. The thing is, I want to keep my maiden name. It's not because I'm some raging feminist, or because I don't love or respect him properly, or because I don't want to commit to him fully. I just want to keep my name. It's my name, and I like it, and I'm keeping it. End of story. I would like to maybe do a hyphen thing, but that's all.

But he seemed kind of disappointed and put out by this. I know this can be important to some guys. But it won't do any harm for me to keep my maiden name/ hyphenate, and it's what I really want to do. So how can I approach this without hurting his feelings? I don't know how to explain it to him.

Thanks!

Updates:
I would really appreciate input from guys as to what exactly I can say to him to help him warm up to the idea of me hyphenating. I am happy to have both names, I just don't want to give up my old one. But he isn't satisfied by that, and it seems to hurt his feelings.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • In marriage, compromising is key. What I would do in this situation is ask him what makes the last name you have so important. Have an open conversation about this and outline why you feel it is important to keep your last name as well. Maybe hyphening it is the answer, but he still seems disappointed. But let him know it's not because you love him any less, it's your name, you have grown up with it and its what you have gone by forever. And it would be hard to change it over.

    Hopefully after having that discussion both of you can make a decision that suits both of you.

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What Guys Said 1

  • When it comes to marriage, you both have to be prepared to compromise.

    This attitude: "I'm keeping it. End of story." leaves absolutely no room for compromise.

    Granted, some things are not negotiable, but I wouldn't consider this point to be very insignificant indeed.

    Your hyphenated name is a good example of a compromise.

    But let me ask you. When you have kids, will they take the name of their father? If so, you will have a different name to your kids. For us, the main motivation to get married is so my Mrs has the same name as our kids. It's important to her.

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    • Well, for me, it's not negotiable. That's my point. I don't want to hurt him, but my mind is made up. I will hyphenate, but he doesn't seem completely satisfied by that idea.

      The kids would take his name or both.

    • I agree totally. In marriage compromise is important. Both of you also need to know that the love for each other is the most important thing in this relationship/ marriage

    • I think a good way to approach it will be to confirm that his kids will have his name.

      Men grow up believing they will pass on their name to their children. It might sound silly to some people, but it's important to me and I know it's important to other fathers too.

      A good compromise would be to confirm for him that his kids will get his name. Not a hyphenated name and not your name. His name.

What Girls Said 2

  • I feel the same way! I love my uncommon last name and want 2 keep it! I will probably do the hyphen thing too. Any guy who loves me (or you for this case) can deal with it.

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    • Thanks :) I'm sure he will handle it somehow, I'm just not sure how to help him adjust to the idea.

  • How about you just merge the two and do the hyphen idea? Compromise is a great skill to have in relationships...

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