You choose not to be monogamous. Why?

From the men or women on here who have made the choice to be both in a committed relationship, engagement or marriage and not be monogamous, what drives you to make that decision?

Recently, I've met a few people who have made such a choice and I'm a bit confused why they would do so. Even before meeting people within my age range who are doing this, my friend told me her dad has been married to her mother for 30+ years and had the same "mistress" for almost 20 and her mom and the other women have actually become best friends over the years.

I'm not refering to the in-the-moment cheating or casualy dating 2 or 3 people. I'm refering to the people who are open with their partners from the get go that they won't be the only person their with.

Anyone who cares to explain the thought process behind this is welcome.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, I'm sure people have a variety of reasons why they choose to have a nonmonogamous relationship, but what it generally comes down to is recognizing that a monogamous relationship is not for you and deciding to go about it ethically (being open and honest with potential partners that you don't want to have a monogamous relationship and allowing them to decide whether or not they still want to pursue a relationship with you, rather than cheating).

    For some people, it might be sex-related. Perhaps they can't see themselves having sex with one person for the rest of their lives.

    For others (for example, people who are polyamorous), it's based on their view that love is not limited (if you love one person, and then start to love someone else, it doesn't take love away from the first person, you can love both people completely) and that we shouldn't have to limit ourselves to loving just one person. Having a deep, emotional/romantic relationship with more than one person can be very rewarding.

    Some monogamous people engage in serial monogamy. They have a monogamous relationship with one person, and then break up with that person when someone "better" or new and exciting comes along. Poly people don't see their partners as expendable like that.

    Think of it this way. Maybe you've had an experience (or know someone who has) where you've been in a monogamous relationship with someone you really love and care about, but you meet someone new that you find attractive and who is quite compatible with you. If you're in a monogamous relationship, your choices are to end things with your boyfriend to pursue your new interest (even though you still love your boyfriend), to cheat (obviously a bad idea), or to stay with your boyfriend and ignore your feelings toward the new person. If you choose to become friends with the new person, you'll probably have to limit yourself from becoming "too close" of friends with that person or else you'd be "emotionally cheating". If you're in a poly relationship, you don't have to choose between your boyfriend and the new person, you can pursue the new person and everyone involved is okay with that.

    A lot of monogamous people expect their partner to be their "everything" all the time. That's usually pretty unrealistic. You and your partner likely have some different goals, interests, desires, needs, etc. and you might not be able to give each other everything you need, all of the time. Now, with friendships, we don't tend to limit ourselves to one friend and expect that person to meet all of our friendship needs. We usually have a variety of different friends and each friendship is unique and important to us in different ways. You might have one friend that you go out with when you want a night out on the town, you might have another that you chill with at home and watch movies with; you might have another who you go to when you need advice, etc. Each friendship is different, but they're all very special and

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    • and meaningful to you in their own way. Having more than one relationship is similar.

What Guys Said 2

  • Okay, I should have said relatively modern. Monogamy has been introduced with monotheic religions, so it's been a part of our society for about 3000 years. Mankind exists for 200.000 years, so that's about 0.15%. You can't factor out biology like that.

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  • Because monogamy is an invention of a modern society that goes against our nature.

    Not that I'm not monogamous.

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    • i think you'll find monogamy was rife 100's of years ago, it's not something that modern society has cooked up, it's always been there.

What Girls Said 0

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