I'm screwed up in the head

Seriously, this isn't normal. Basically, my boyfriend-soon-to-be-fiancee has 2 kids from his previous marriage (he got married at 20, he's 27 now. Not really relevant tho). Anyway, they live with his ex in Canada and there's no arrangement for when he sees them, so it ends up being about twice a year. He went and got them today, he actually gets them for their whole break until the beginning of January. They stay with his parents since he works full time.

So that's a little background. The issue that is totally stupid is my emotions. I'm jealous/upset/whatever that his kids are first to him. Now I know kids come first, I'm not dumb. I know my emotions have nothing to do with him, kids should come first. But I can't stop feeling awful about how I'm not first. It might be because I don't have kids and he's first in my life that I'm feeling this but its not cool. I don't think anyone else feels like this.

My question: what's wrong with me and what can I do to stop feeling like crap?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • There isn't anything wrong with you. You have no ties to his children so instead of thinking of them as kids who don't get to see their dad but just twice a year, you see them as a threat to the attention you receive from your boyfriend. It sounds selfish I know, and it is, but it's also human.

    When I first started dating my husband my daughter was 2, he was jealous as well. What changed his attitude was having his own children and understanding the breadth of the love you can have towards your own children. I will never love my husband as much as I love my kids - but he understands that now because he feels the same way. There are things you can't understand unless you experience them yourself.

    I think because you understand what your feeling and you find that it is unjustified, you just need to deal with your own feelings yourself. Just accept it makes you feel bad, deal with it and love your man. I think if you were to talk to him about it, it would only make him feel like he has to choose between you and his children - and we both know what his choice would be. Sure you feel bad, but he will always be a father - he doesn't always have to be your boyfriend. I don't think you can realistically love his children unless you get to know them better - but you can repress your unhappiness while they are there and allow them to feel good while they are with their dad. It would be the right thing to do - they don't get to see him as often as you do.

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What Guys Said 2

  • First of all, if you were married, then you SHOULD come first, but you're not. Not yet, at least. Of course his kids are going to come first right now, and since you're marrying into this, you need to understand that he loves his kids and is going to do what he can to spend time with them.

    You REALLY need to talk to him about this. These are feelings of jealousy that really shouldn't be there, especially because "the others" in questions are his children, and not a potential love interest. When you marry, the husband and wife need to put each other first, and the kids come second. If the marriage isn't taken care of the kids will see it and will feel the effects of it. In your case, it's different because he doesn't have shared custody of his children. So in that case, you're going to need to adjust your expectations and allow for more of his attention to go to them when they're around. This is something you're both going to have to work at, so you need to talk about it with each other.

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    • I disagree. My children come first - my husband a distant second. I feel that because I brought my children into the world without their consent (lol) I am ultimately responsible for them, plus my husband is a big boy and can deal with things my children can't yet understand. Their feelings and needs are always more important than my own and my husbands, because they're children. Of course it's different when they are grown. I'm curious to know why you feel that way - is it from experience?

  • Well, think about it like THIS:

    Do you really want to be that selfish bitchy stepmom who's always trying to backseat the kids in her husband's life?

    If you marry him, they're your kids too. . .

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What Girls Said 1

  • I would totally feel the same as you in that situation. Maybe you should look for a #2 to nuture in this situation. Do the kids like you? Ever heard of the evil stepmother? It's no wonder she was evil, she had to put up with horrible rotten children who weren't even her own. So yeah. I Totally am with you on this one. I wish I knew what to tell you though!

    I wouldn't look for a guy with kids already. I know he's you're #1. But maybe you should look around for something else in your life. He's not treating you like you think you deserve. I mean, these aren't even your kids for heaven's sakes, they're somebody else's.

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