Arranged marriage and a fix?

Posting this on a close friend’s behalf, here goes the story …

‘I belong to a community were arranged marriage is quite popular. My parents wanted to know when I d settle down and probably get committed. I had never had answers for them and then one day my mom asked me if I was seeing someone. I am good friends with my parents, so I didn’t mind that question. I told them I wasn’t and then she didn’t take a split second to say she had someone in mind and that I should join her to a family friend’s dinner later that night. I didn’t want to show complete disrespect to her that’s why I went for it. I had a plan to say no, on my way back. But things didn’t go to plan. The girl wasn’t there, although her father (also an accountant) had a good chat with me.

On my way back, I told mom I wouldn’t want to do things this way. She convinced me that the least I could do is to give it one more shot, rather than plainly say no. 2 weeks after, on Saturday, when I reached back home, I was told a few guest were to arrive and my father asked me to stay home as his guests would want some help with their business. When the guests came, to my surprise, they were the people my mom wanted me to meet. This time ‘the girl’ accompanied her parents, I am sure she wasn’t aware of the reason to visit us. We all had a word with each other. At times I felt as If I was interviewed by her father. The problem is, although I never wanted arranged marriage, but I instantly hit a chord with her. She is intelligent, refreshingly polite, likes to have a laugh, lively, a good listener, confident, well educated, well mannered and stunning to look at. By the end of that meeting I could easily say, had I meet her somewhere else I would have definitely asked her out.

Easy to say that things are on the plate for me, because there is a problem. She told me she was doing her bachelors at a certain college. I have friends there and she knew them well. The next week I called one of them up and told him that my parents were in for a set up, the whole story. He asked a combined friend and she told him she was the liberal kind who wouldn’t want arranged marriage either. He invited me over to a weekend football match day party, where she was invited as well. We meet again and this time had a longer conversation. I have developed a liking for her. I wish I had meet her somewhere else, because I don’t know if I should ask her out or just be a spectator to the arrangement under process. If I do ask her out, with the way we meet, would it not be weird. I haven’t meet or spoke to person who knows her and doesn’t speak very well of her. I don’t even know if she knows what her parents have in mind. My mother has asked me repeatedly if I liked her and she would ask the girl’s parents for an engagement as soon as I give in a positive response. There is every chance she might not like me, or at least the idea of an arranged marriage. I want her to know me better and then decide without influence. I am clue

Updates:
I am clueless; don’t know how I should take things from here on in. The thing I know is that, in her, I have met probably the most exciting person in recent history.

Any ideas’

Hi People,


Thank you all for your advice. just wanted to let you know, that thisngs went well and now we are getting married this October :D ..


She is perfect for me ..

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I come from a family just like that. I mixed so on one side, its OK to date and the other side, its not. So at times I feel like I'm stuck between a rock. I thnk because of the fact that the both of you feel the same way with arranged marriage you should just agree and set up the engagement. I don't know how your family does things but in our family depending on how you feel about the person, the marriage can come quickly after or it can take a couple years. I think because of the fact you come from a family that is like this you should agree to become engaged because of the fact you are interest in her and she probably feels the same. After you guys are engaged this will give ya'll time to get to know each other, hang out, etc. After a short period of time, seriously you know whether or not you want to be with her. Because the girl seems to feel the same way about arranged marriage as you do, she might agree to the engagement just because of the fact in your culture its more properly acceptable. You know if it doesn't work out tell your parents you guys don't seem to think it would work, she gives the ring back and on to the next.

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    • i think you understood this very well ... and I agree with you ... I am the only son so the queston about settling soon comes up more often than I would be comfortable with.

      i want to ask you, you don't think it would be more difficult to handle if we find its not working after the engagement ? I don't want to force her into an engagement so I think I ll talk to her about it ... ask her on a date ... date for a couple of months .. and then see how things work out ...what say ?

    • I don't think it would be that big of a problem if you found out it wasn't working after the engagement, its better that way rather than get married and find out. I guess you can date her but the only thing is you both come from a very religous family & your a guy so the dating part doesn't seem that bad but looks bad on her behalf. No matter how amercanized you both R, ithink out of respect for her an engagement seems more respectful. I don't think breaking off of an engagement is a big deal.

What Girls Said 5

  • You seem to share a good relationship with your parents, tell them you like her and don't want to rush in to anything and it would be best if you could spend some alone time first, go out etc... You don't want a situation where you're getting engaged one minute and wedding plans next, without really knowing this girl well.

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    • Thank you ..a few dates first and see if it works ...

  • Maybe you should ask this girl how she feels about the prospect of an arranged marriage? You don't want to accept this set up if she's going to be unhappy the rest of her life. Ask her out, it won't be any weirder than being a "spectator to the arrangement" because if you go that route you'll be marrying her anyway.

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    • thank you ... let the girl know and a few dates to see if things work ... not force her into engagement ... thank you for your advice ...

    • Good luck! I hope it works out for you two :D

  • talk to her, tell her what's going on. Don't leave her in the dark. Maybe you two can date a little and if things go well humor the parents with the arrange looking part.

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    • thank you ... that's the right thing to do I guess .. popular opinion ...

  • all males in this situation have a choice about it, not the females. you just don't want to disappoint your parents, man up and make a decision

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    • man up ...lol ... will do ...its not that it hard to tell them ..its just that respect one shows ... first thing would be to let the girl know ... may be she ll find some humor in it ... then ask for a date ... date a few times and then see if things work ... if they really do I ll be reintroducing her to my family ..who knows ...

  • he should tell her everything that's on his mind and also ask her out

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    • want to go with the usual route ...but what about the arranged marriage thing ...tell mom, arranged marriage is a no no? because she ll be Marching with a proposal as soon as a positive intent is shown ... and she is constantly asking is she was liked or not ..

    • don't worry about mom, just tell her that you guys got it covered and will take care of it.

    • thank you for your help ...

What Guys Said 5

  • Just be honest with her. If she can't take your honesty now, she won't be able to enjoy your company in the future.

    I think you should balance this arrangement as your parents giving you their advice on who you should date. ;)

    Either way, I say take your shot to ask her out for some alone time. It could be so successful, but you never know unless you try. As I saw on a sign recently, "You miss 100% of the changes you DON'T take."

    Much success to you, dude.

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    • lol ... not talking advice from parents about dating ... its just that as the only son and we are friendly so this topic comes up more often than expected ... but I think asking her out before pitching the arrangement idea should work .. you are right about being honest ... maybe someday we ll have a laugh about that ...

  • Man up, tell mom that you like her but want to take it the usual way with dating. Ask her out on a date.

    If mom gets angry, tell her that you went along with her plans as a sign of respect and meant no offense when you tell her no to the arranged marriage idea.

    Go.

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    • thanks man ... yea I should man up ... I ll let the girl know aswell ... ask her to date and then see from there on in ... that seems to be the right thing to do ..

    • Best of luck bromando, that's the way to do it

  • How taking her out on real dates and trying to woo her the old fashioned way? If she doesn't feel the spark and there's no chemistry he should respect that and not force her into an engagement.

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    • thank you ... right you are .. the girl should know as well

  • I don't see any problem here. The guy and the girl should go out on dates at least 4 to 5 times. The better he knows the deeper his love for her will get. Ask him to take things slowly. No need to be in a hurry. This is a question of a lifetime.

    Tell your friend to change his attitude. An arranged marriage is not as bad as it seems. Who knows he can find the woman of his dreams through arranged marriage ?

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    • thank you ... a few dates and then see how things go from there ...

  • Oh bhaaee!! Be open with her. Do not over-analyse if you are getting this on a platter. Take the leap!! It does not get any better.

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