Advice: Marriage over college career and future? What should I do? Please read!

I'm a 20 year old college sophomore. I'm in the deepest hot water ever. My fiance of 3 years and I recently applied for a marriage license, thing is, I am NOT ready. With just a part time job, and less of 60 credit hours of college, I'm about to make a lifelong decision to marry the guy that I love because I'm afraid and he is afraid of being deported. I want to do it because I love him to death, than I don't, because what about my future? With no means of stable money, we will have to dwell with his mother for a year.

I'm stuck in a rut, because I was foolish enough to go this far, yet I am too afraid to tell him how I really feel about it at this point because I have once, and he freaked out and threatened that our relationship will be tarnished and that he is so in pain and suicidal. I love him, BUT I'm afraid to make this step. Today is the day I have to be honest with him, and come clean before I make this mistake and marry him before I am ready to do so. I don't want our relationship to be over, and I'm afraid him and his family will dislike me. What should I do? Advice. Thank you.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • First thing first: the only thing that's final and can't be undone is death. Almost everything else has a simple solution and you may want to take a step away from your situation and consider this to try and find the way of fixing this. Not every situation is binary, most times you have more than a YES or NO answer so take it easy, one step at a time.

    Having said that, you don't need to give up your studies because you get married. And you don't need to give up on marriage for your studies. If you can't handle both for any reason (be it money, life circumstance or whatever it is), then all you have to do is postpone one for some time until you feel you can revisit it.

    Then, something comes up in your text: your boyfriend is either too dramatic or in desperate need of professional assistance (as in a shrink) to deal with that desperation he has. While I was reading you I had the impression he's kind of holding you captive with that threat of committing suicide. Not cool, and not sane. Consider this before you make any decision.

    Finally...I would say that you need to step out of yourself for a few moments and try to think this as objectively as possible. Do not consider just one factor (i.e.: "if there's love, that's all I need"), but all of them. Also try to think on mid-term effects of your decisions and what is it you want to do.

    Good luck :)

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What Guys Said 11

  • Don't marry. I would strongly suggest that you don't go over your heart. It tells you right.

    Never let anybody to do decisions for you. Make the best ones for yourself. Never respond to threatening and fear. It is not right by your heart. If he is man who will threaten you to carry full weight of emotions of relationship that what will happen in marriage. If he threatens to hang himself, be nice and supportive and buy him a rope. It is harsh, but life is. He has to carry his own weight, otherwise you cannot create good relationship.

    Make your decision. One that is best by you. Then make the best out of situation that will be. If you don't marry keep relationship as good as possible under circumstances and prepare yourself for marriage if possible. But don't do it when you are not ready. You might regret that.

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  • You can't let him control your relationship with threats of suicide and the thought that one of you doesn't really love the other if they do or don't do something. Tell him you're regretting rushing into the marriage idea and want to wait until graduation. Or you have a confirmed job. Whichever comes first. College is one of the riskiest times in a persons life. Tens of thousands of dollars are being spent on something you're not even sure you'll manage to finish or what kind of effect it'll have on your future. Something like marriage will much more difficult to do in the middle of that than it will be after you've started to become financially stable.

    Try to get him to wait

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  • You know, you could still marry him and go to college. the thing that holds a lady back is CHILDREN...just wait a while for those.

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  • Don't get married. Don't throw your whole life away just because you made a foolish decision and told him you'll get married. It's really not worth it. No one should get married that young. Look at the divorce rate. Wait til 25 at least. There's so many stupid laws in this country, if it were up to me, marijuana would be legal (I don't use it, but the law is beyond stupid) and marriage would be illegal until 25!

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    • No, I don't agree that marriage should be illegal until 25, for many purposes, but I get where you are coming from thanks.

  • Tough decision. I would take my career and future first, otherwise id regret it the rest of my life. I also would never hold a lover back from what they wanted to do to be together for selfish reasons. I know you two want to be together but your not ready for marriage so just tell him that.

    Besides those reasons, I think that you are too young to be getting married. You are still going to mature and change over the years.

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  • Well why can't you just wait till you finish college and get a career, if he can't wait then just leave, I mean do you really want to be with him or is it because you don't want him to get deported

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  • Dont it, reconsider if you have to think about it!

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  • i wouldn't throw your life away just for this guy education is important everyone is always new at something and just because your in love with thsi doesn't mean you can't go to college its your chance to take it and I am I ncollege right now its great I just started taking yoga classes

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  • It's your life do what you want!

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  • Wait till your 21 at least that way you can legally drink at your wedding lol. My cousin got married at 19 and he couldn't drink till he got home because the people there were gay and didn't let him drink anything except some wine/champagne forgot which it was .

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  • If he really loves you, he'll understand. He'll be upset and angry probably, but he'll at least try to see where you're coming from.

    If he decides to break off your relationship because you won't marry him right now, it could very well mean that he was trying to use you to gain citizenship. In that case, you will have dodged a bullet.

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What Girls Said 13

  • He wants to continue this relationship and be married to you, and your reason for getting married is not love or wanting to be with him forever, it's to stop deportation. That is a very bad reason to get married. Trust me. If it isn't right to do this, then don't do it. Compare the pain of breaking the truth to him now, with the pain of being in a horrible situation for x amount of years that is very hard and expensive to get out of (divorce).

    Also, a huge red flag went up when you wrote that he freaked out when you told him your feelings once. He freaked out, threatened your relationship, and threatened suicide. He ignored you. He is MANIPULATING you to get what he wants. If any man is going to manipulate you like that, then you need to seriously step back and reevaluate your relationship. There are many men out there who threaten their women with suicide if they ever try to leave them, and it's a form of control. If you break the news and he truly is suicidal, call the police to get him help. You cannot allow him to threaten you to get you to do what you might not really want because that is a scared and selfish person who is using manipulation tactics to get to you. Don't let him do that.

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    • Why is getting married to keep him on the country a very bad reason to get married. That's what people do. its no different than marrying as a business deal -which lots of people do. Its just marriage.

    • I suppose everyone has their own opinions on marriage. I consider marriage to be pretty serious due to the commitment it implies and the difficulty it is to break off a marriage. To me at least, it doesn't represent a business deal but a partnership willingly entered. To be getting married simply due to stop someone from being deported, when there are other viable options or when there is no certainty that it will happen, when someone's heart isn't even into it, seems like a bad reason to me.

  • You don't have to marry him. The guy sounds a bit self centered. Suicidal? Are you serious? He needs to get an effing grip. Why don't you two just be engaged for awhile? If deportation is the main reason why you two are getting married, then you'd have to discuss that with him. If it isn't, then wtf is the rush? Seriously? If he's the one pushing for it, it makes me question his motive for getting married to you if deportation is a linked issue to this. It could explain his drama behavior and he could be manipulating you into doing this so he doesn't get deported.

    But I don't know the guy, just going off what you said here. Regardless, you shouldn't have to do something you don't want to. Don't be a fricken people pleaser and just give in and marry the guy. Yeah, some have made the point that getting married is fine. You could live just how you are now. There's no law that states you have to move out and all that bs if you'd like to keep things how they are now. However, if you aren't even in for the idea of marriage, don't do it. It's that simple. Who cares if he gets all dramatic? That's a serious character flaw and it should have you reconsidering being married to him. If someone starts behaving like that when confronted with an issue, that screams manipulation and immaturity. You both are too young to be getting married and should probably wait.

    The logical thing is to sit down with him and explain that you are in love with him and would prefer to hold off on marriage. Emphasize that you'd like to keep it a long engagement so you can get school wrapped up and THEN get married. If he's any sort of reasonable human being, he SHOULD understand and be okay with that. You haven't said no, it's just a long term yes. If he reacts like a jack ass at that point, I'd start considering who he is as a person, if I were you.

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  • You don't want to marry him, so don't. You have already said that you are not ready for marriage, so I think that is what you need to tell him.

    I just want to add that getting married doesn't necessarily mean you can't still go to college. It just means you must consider what is best for both you instead of what you want.

    I have many married friends who are in college. It actually makes it easier for them because one partner has a job and help's the other one out. I struggle because I have to fend for myself and it's tough. It would be nice to have someone to share living costs and what not.

    I think you need to sit down and talk to him about a plan. He is afraid of being deported, and I can see that as a valid reason to wanting to get married to stay. Please forgive me if I don't understand the process of becoming a citizen (I am Canadian). And I am assuming you are American, but why can't he apply for citizenship? Figure out what is involved in that, if you haven't already, and see if something can be done to make him a citizen.

    You need to look at all your options here. He needs to realize that getting married just because he doesn't want to get deported is not a good reason. I'm sure he loves you, but rushing marriage isn't going to make the relationship last. Relationships must be based on a solid foundation. And that foundation won't be solid if it's built on the fear of being deported. It also won't stand because you don't feel ready. Both people have to be ready for a marriage to work.

    Tell him the reasons you have said here, that you don't have any money for a stable life, that you want to go to college. Let him know you love him but are not ready for marriage right now. You can always get married when you are older. The average wedding now a days can cost 20-30 grand. And if you don't have any money, it's going to be hard on the new marriage.

    It will also be hard if you are both trying to start out and make a life for yourselves. Sometimes it's better to do things on your own, and then come together at a later point when life allows.

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  • Do not marry him yet! This is part of the reason why marriages fail 50% of the time. If you are not 100% sure, then do not do it. Marriage should be sacred, and you should talk it out with your fiancé, even if he will get upset. It isn't fair of him to threaten you with things like saying your relationship will be tarnished and that he is so in pain and suicidal, that's not right. Also, if you truly love each other, his parent's opinion of all of this shouldn't matter.

    If you DO decide to marry him right away, you should still stay in school, because if he really loves you he wouldn't want you to give up your future. Education is essential to life, especially if he could get deported at any moment, which says he probably doesn't have a stable job, so you would need to work extra hard.

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  • Change directions. Look at it from a reasonable angle. Get married & continue going to school. Do not get pregnant. Plenty of people get married to stay in the country-Yet they continue on with their lives.

    Just get married & do not advertise it until you are ready to actually be married. Think of it as an engagement-for all intents & purposes. Marriage technically only to keep him in the Country. RELAX.

    If by chance you are actually just getting cold feet because you do not want to marry _him_ and you are using age& school as an excuse-then mary him to keep him here & Divorce in a few years. Mean while date other people. Again, Relax.

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    • This is where I'm stuck. I'm 50/50, part of me wants to marry him, part of me doesn't. With his attitude and my family convincing me NOT to do it, it's hard to see the bright side if I do marry him.

    • What I mean is, marry him just to help him out. Do not live with him until you are redy-unless you never are. Then divorce. Do not treat it as marriage unless/ until, you are sure that is what you want.

      You do not sound like you want to start your life with him right now, so do not. As far as him needing to stay- Help him out . Why does your family need to get involved with _that_?

    • Thats just how family is :-/ I like that idea. Maybe we will speak it through.

  • You need to take care of YOU first! It's hard that he's said these threatening things to you, but you need to remember, his life WILL go on. And anyone that threatens with suicide obviously doesn't love you, you NEVER do that to someone you love. End of story. Do what's right for you. You need a career and future before you need a husband.

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    • especially if you husband can't have any legit jobs because he is an illegal citizen. more reason why you should stay in school.

  • You can get married without starting a family... Especially if it's deportation issue...

    You can have marriage certificate and still pursue your education, and when you graduate and get your career going - you can start a family...

    If your only concern in this matter is your education and future, you can agree upon something like that. However, if you're thinking if he's the one to spend "the rest of your life with", and if you're considering that side, simply don't.

    Talk to him, say you'll get married for technical reasons, but you need to finish your education so you can have financial stability in the future... If that is the main issue...

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    • I love my fiance, but I'm afraid of commitment and feeling that marriage is a big step for now.

    • Could you agree to do it just formally, because of deportation thing, and remain as you were? Would that be OK for you now?

    • As I said in a past comment I have no problem doing that.

  • Don't do it if you are not ready, no matter how much he tries to coerce you otherwise. It is a red flag that he said those things to you the last time you tried to talk to him...something is wrong with him if he says those things to you just because you said you aren't ready.

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    • It screams manipulation. I hope he's not one of those nut jobs that turns super controlling with his wife once they get married. The type that basically secludes the woman from her friends and family and wants to control her. Also, given the age, he's still really immature and likely has no idea wtf he wants. Neither of them do, which is why she has every right to be unsure about this. They both need to wait til they're 25.

    • yeah he could either be a control freak or he's using her for citizenship...that's the only way I can see it sadly...

  • marriage should be guided by feelings of love and contentment...not fear and pity. if you think you are not ready and that the only reason that's stopping you from telling him is that you are afraid to hurt him...then just don't get married right now. and please don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you into something as crucial as marriage..this is ridiculous. tell him you love him but you want to get married to him after some time

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  • Get married, so he isn't deported, and live like you're still engaged. Married women can finish college. Of course I don't know all that much about marriage honestly. There might before more to it than I know. But I've known people to get married in college and they didn't actually start living like a married couple until they were graduated.

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  • School first, if he loves you he'd wait

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  • Don't get married, at least not yet. A lot my friends are getting engaged in college as well. However, they are just getting engaged... that's it. All of their wedding dates are for after college. Finish school. Seriously, you have a better probability of making more money if you stay in school longer and are educated for more time.

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  • if you have to think about it- don't do it. you're not ready. just continue being engaged and leave it at that. you're too young.

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