Just got married...Did I make a mistake?

I'm 23 and my husband is 29. We only dated for 8 months and then we found out that I was pregnant. I made it very clear that I didn't want to get married because I was pregnant. He said he understood and that he completely agreed. Well he asked me a few months later if I would marry him and he told me it wasn't because I was pregnant... We just got married 3 weeks ago and I'm not going to lie...I have my doubts that I made the right decision. I only had one boyfriend before him and that was when I was 16! I left home when I was 18 and lived alone for the past 5 years. It has been the hardest thing living with a man and dealing with all the emotions that come with pregnancy. I am terrified of becoming a mom and a wife...I just don’t know if these feelings are normal. I feel so depressed and all I want to do is sleep. He works nights and I work days…so I never really see him.

I do love him like crazy and he is the best man a girl could ask for...I just feel like I’m going crazy all the time! Is this normal?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You say you love him like crazy and he's the best man you could ask for.

    You are having a child together.

    So you know what? I don't see evidence that you've made a mistake.

    You're pregnant, suddenly married and living together, work different shifts - uh these are massive, massive adjustments. When the baby comes its going to be even more of a shock. This is just reality!

    I'd really suggest you two maybe get some marriage counselling - not because you're a mess, but just because its a great idea for new couples to start things off as well as possible. You took driving lessons before you got your driver's license, it might be a good idea to take at least as many 'marriage lessons', no?

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    • agreed :)

      even when you know something is going to happen, it can have a lot of unexpected outcomes.

What Guys Said 10

  • A lot of weird things happen to girls when they get pregnant, because of the hormones. They affect your head and make you think crazy stuff, that you wouldn't normally think if you weren't pregnant. I know this is hard to grasp, but I think that's why you're feeling all this despair.

    I think that once you have your baby, you will change your mind about everything. I've heard about it happening tons of times. My friend ended up getting this girl pregnant. He hated her, didn't even like her. Doesn't even know why he slept with her. They argued during the entire pregnancy, he said he didn't feel like taking care of the baby (and she was alright with that and didn't even want him doing so), and then when the baby was finally born, they got married. Biggest WTF moment ever.

    Now he's all over Facebook posting about how he's happy and how wonderful his baby is. o.o

    So yeah, what I think will happen is your baby will be born, you will fall in love with it and automatically want to be a mom. Good luck with that. :p

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    • yea when you're baby is born you will love it, and its father too :)

  • In my opinion, you sound like you really love him, you're just having a hard time adjusting to your new surroundings and life. Not to mention, the rollercoaster emotions of pregnancy. I say stick it out and don't become another statistic of having a failed marriage. I just recently got married and I found out quick, that the #1 thing in marriage is communication. No matter how big or small a problem is, share it with your spouse and get it on the table. Hiding your emotions will breed trust issues later on down the road. Tell your husband that you feel depressed and tell him what you need from him. Don't expect him to read your mind. Good luck sweetie and I hope you decide to stick it out. Don't give up, sometimes the best things in life are the toughest.

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  • I can't answer anything about the emotions you go through, but one thing I do know is if you both make time for each other through this and he makes the effort to make you feel as comfortable as possible, there's no reason anyone can say you made a mistake with any of this, because doubts will always enter your head about one thing or the other, but by the sounds of it, you have half the job done by admitting your emotions about him, so all I suggest is to have time alone together when you can, ie going out for a meal or just cozy nights in with a glass of wine, or in your case orange juice lol, but I wouldn't worry to much about the doubts you have when your sure about the feelings you have, and even though becoming a mother and wife so early in the relationship does not always spell doom, it can spell prosperity and a future with all the good things that do come with a relationship so strong, even seperation couldn't break it, so enjoy it, I can understand all this can be a bit daunting, but eventually, your love what you have and will value it so dearly, the darkest moments will me easily obsorbed and dealt with, good luck and congrats,x

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  • There is Irony here, you just said yourself that you didn't want to get married because your pregnant. There is your reason that you're going crazy. Maybe it was a mistake, you should see where this goes and if you feel its bad, you should get help from mom or dad, if they're alive.

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  • I think it's important that you're there for each other and spend enough time to get the needed support. So maybe you could check if it's possible for him to work by day instead of night so you have more time together.. At least he'll need to be there more when the baby's there..

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    • Ow and by the way, my daddy always tells me: "Never look back!"

      It's true you know, life's short, so don't worry about what could've been different etc. but just enjoy and go for wathever you are doing, meant to be or not ;)

  • LOL

    If you're asking that question, you did.

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  • you're 23, you're not even past your finding yourself years, and you married a 29 year old who has figured himself out. Sounds like you were an idiot who did something you think society requires you to do instead of thinking things out in the long run like an adult should do, and 8 months is not even close to enough time to know someone and marry them. You hit the trif***ta here.

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    • You are a f***ing a**hole. People make mistakes and you are not exempt.

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    • this guy is spot on

    • Uhm, I have seen these situations before in my life. It never ends well. Why do people think just advice is so against what they want to hear it has to be bad?

  • It's just a really huge change and you're a little insecure about it all. :) It's perfectly natural to have seconds thoughts about huge life-changing events.

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  • Yeah.

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  • I think you are just feeling nervous, although I can't speak from experience. It is too many changes & responsibilities for you all of the sudden. I think if you had the right guy then you should not think its a bad choice. I think you should be glad it is going to be the child's real farther that is going to be around to support you through all of this and he will be there when the child arrives.

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What Girls Said 19

  • Yes, everything you talk about sounds normal to me. You are going through some huge changes in your life and marriage or no marriage, you are expecting a baby and you are obviously concerned about that. Further, hormones change in pregnancy and you can go through all sorts of experiences. Also, keep in mind that every woman is different and a lot is impacted by your readiness to be a mother and now, a wife.

    Overall I say let go of your fear of being depressed and concerned that you made a mistake. By taking away the fear of what you are experiencing you can just focus on the actual emotions you are experiencing without the burden of thinking you made a mistake or something is wrong with you.

    You need to really deal with your concerns about being a mom and you should find some counseling and talk to a professional about all of this. I think a few sessions could help put your mind at ease while you finish out your pregnancy and those first few months of managing a newborn. Good luck!

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  • You are pregnant; pregnancy is a scary thing. I don't want to make things worse, but it's an experience that only you can go through, and let's face it...any woman who isn't a little bit afraid of a baby growing and coming out of her is a liar.

    Pregnancy will make you start thinking and doing crazy things - especially the further along you go. Your body is constantly changing, more and more rapidly so don't beat yourself up about it, it's not your fault, it's natural.

    One thing I will say...the fact your doubting your marriage already is concerning. Maybe it's just the fact that so much stress and strain is going on in your life at the moment and you're just confusing and upsetting yourself. Maybe it wasn't in your plan and you deep down feel if it wasn't for your situation you wouldn't have married.

    Whatever it is...you are married now. You love this man, and marriage is what you make it. It's just a piece of paper that says you are committed, it doesn't change either of you as people. Deep breathes, he sounds like a fantastic man, I think you're just suffering from pregnancy brain.

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  • Well..this is all about destiny :) You either ended up with a perfect man who is gonna give you a good life... or screwed and stuck with a guy who might change in time or smth .. so it's totally fate here..

    Anyway, being pregnant and getting married are actually the strongest feelings a woman can get in her life..and having them both in the same time must be huge for you.. so I believe that all these feelings and doubts are a result of your burden.. Give birth, wait some time .. and try to go normal again and get back in track .. then you can choose whether you should continue this , or divorce or whatever .. but hopefully you will be just fine :) Good luck!

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  • Its normal. Very normal and people do question their relationships once in a while. I do think that you are not completely ready for this but if you believe in yourself and work for a happy relationship with your husband, things will work out in the long run. Don't be too hard on yourself and avoid hurtful comments.

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  • I think that you're dealing with a lot of transition in life right now. You're living with someone else for the first time in five years, you're newly married, you're about to become a mother. It's a lot to handle, and even in the most stable circumstances, pregnancy can still be an emotionally exhausting time. At this point, you don't have anything to lose by at the very least, giving your marriage a chance to succeed. If you decide later that you're unfulfilled and you think you made a mistake, there is no shame in going your separate ways. You deserve to be happy. But if, as you say, you love him like crazy and he's the best man a girl could ask for... I say stick it out. You have A LOT to gain: a family. Make your husband understand that you're in a vulnerable, emotional place and you need as much of his support as he can give. Take time and space for yourself to adjust and focus on things that relax you and make you happy. And my absolute best piece of advice for someone who is feeling a little down: take time to focus on someone else's happiness, in this case, your husband's. Do what you can to give him a little reassurance and affection. As pregnant women, we need a lot of attention and accommodation, and sometimes it's easy to overlook that our partners are wearing themselves out trying to take care of us as best they can, and sometimes they just need a little reciprocity.

    You have all my best wishes, good luck.

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  • It is normal to feel the way you do. Your just overwhelmed. Having a baby and getting married are two major events in anyone's life. However you can do this. Being pregnant is bringing the emotions over the top and that in itself is not helping. You need a support system people you can trust and can talk to for advice. Going to therapy can help too, therapy doesn't mean you failed it means you what to work out the issues and doubt your having. I bet you everything will work out for the best but it is going to take work and sharing this with your husband should be the first step.

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  • it sounds like your just not liking not being about to see him and having trouble adjusting to your surroundings. I agree getting married for the baby is a mistake. The pregnancy will make you much more emotional so I would at least wait unti l after the pregnancy. Tell him that you would like to see him more. I think communication would be very important in a relationship. If you still feel this way after the preganacy and after trying to work things out (talking to him, possibly consuling) then maybe think about ending it. Since your already married and will have a kid try to make it work but if it doesn't everyone might be happier if you just ended things on good terms so that both of you get along for the baby.

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  • Whether marrying him was a mistake or not, you did it. Now it's both of your jobs to make the marriage work and raise a happy baby. Even if you start feeling like you want to get separated, go to counseling, talk about it, spend extra time together, ect., and make the marriage work. Don't be the 50% that gets a divorce, even though you married him with doubts.

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  • Maybe,but you're just being hormonal- Your body is going through a lot of changes so it's normal to be feeling the way you do.

    He sounds like a good guy and I'm sure it's going to take some time to get used to the adjustments.

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  • I got married when I was 20. It wasn't due to pregnancy but I do understand marriage at a young age. It can be tough, especially when you're dealing with the added stress of a pregnancy! You are going through so much right now. It's not going to be easy. Ever. If you truly love this man then it was the right choice. Once everything calms down and you become more settled in your new life I'm sure things will become clear.

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    • If you think you'd like some advice or a bit more information of dealing with things you can message me. I'm a young wife and mother so I really understand what you're going through.

  • yeah..for sure the 21 year old guy is going to marry her (rolling eyes)

    and you did nothing wrong. you did what was good for u. she needed something else in her life so she went away. that does not make you guilty of anything. and anyway..y are you crying over a girl who cancelled a date because she found you were taurus. lol

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    • Say what? lol

    • oh I am so sorry..i was answering some other question lol... I don't know what that QA got as an asnwer

    • lol I read your answer and my face just went like o_O

  • maybe its the hormones? like I know, sometimes on my period I'm sad for no reason. just blame the hormones for it and know it'll go away :)

    I wouldn't panic. If he's the man you love and he's a good one, then don't worry, things will be fine =]

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  • That was just because of your hormones. Hormonal changes make you feel more anxious than usual. Anxiety is another condition that can and should be treated during pregnancy.

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  • Maybe you should have had safe sex

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    • Your answer is irrelevant to the question.

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    • not planning a pregnancy doesn't mean the person doesn't want to have the child..

    • When you want something you plan to have it.. She unexpectedly got pregnant and now she's making the best of it

  • Only time well tell whether or not the marriage will work out for you. However, I feel like getting married before you've been together for at least a couple of years is always a mistake. Just sometimes people get lucky and it actually does work out in the end.

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  • No offense, but I think you made a mistake.

    For one, if you didn't make a mistake, you probably wouldn't be questioning your marriage right now. Sorry hun, but that's why it's best to save sex for marriage because situations like this happen so much where girls get pregnant and they feel pressured to jump into a marriage they are not emotionally and mentally prepared for. Then in a sense, they are tied to that child's father for the rest of their lives even if they eventually grow apart and get to a point where they would be better off without each other in their lives. It doesn't matter because now they have a child to take into consideration.

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  • My mum is a gynecologist and she says that hormones go wack during pregnancy which results in most women suffering from a wide variety of emotions besides feeling easily upset or angered. From your description, it sounds that you really like the father of your child and believe me.. marriage is one of the hardest concepts around.. but if it works out.. the most worthy of every effort.

    Don't be discouraged. I am pretty sure you both will survive this intact and I'll pray that it runs smoothly from there. Just try and gain some patience. Try to see the perspective from your husband's side too, how is he dealing with the then-unexpected pregnancy, his feelings and commitment for you. I suggest you be very open with him about everything and only then consider a marriage therapist if you feel you need more help. But I don't think you'll need one... communication and honesty is the key!

    All the best love!

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  • Why didn't you get on birth control before you two started having sex? Then you most likely wouldn't of gotten pregnant and wouldn't be in this situation now.

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    • birth control doesn't always work..

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    • I was on the pill for 6 years. I started having bad pain in my stomach and I finally saw a doctor when I couldn't deal with it. I found out that the pills I had been taking had caused me liver damage and my doctor advised me to stay off of them...so I have been off the pill for over a year now. We used condoms...but mistakes happen.

    • There are other forms of birth control. The pill is the least effective form of birth control not to mention.

  • this is gonna sound harsh but I am just being honest, I think its selfish you both chose to have unprotected sex without thinking about consequences that you might get pregnant and become parents, and now that you have you're only thinking about yourself and if you are happy, but what about your child that you created? don't you think he/she deserves a loving mom and dad and a nice family and crib and nursery room? you need to stop thinking what makes you happy because you chose this route, and start caring about your child and being a mom otherwise give this child up for adaption he/she doesn't need a selfish mom like you.

    if you love this guy and he loves you (he sounds amazing btw) then you need to figure out how to make it work. may be change jobs so your schedules are similar? get him to apply for daytime jobs. if this is what you chose then you need to stick with it and stop contemplating other options. own up to your own actions and face their consequences.

    if anything I think its just your hormones getting you down, may be you should see the doctor about this because it may be a sign of post partum depression god forbid. try maternity yoga and just meditate and relax.

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    • She has EVERY RIGHT to be selfish and think of what SHE wants and what is best for HER. anti-abotion people annoy the hell out of me sometimes. And what's done is done, what's the point of telling her it wasn't smart to have unprotected sex, as if she doesn't know that lol

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    • if she looks out for herself and makes herself happy, then her baby will be happy.

    • I was on the pill for 6 years. I started having bad pain in my stomach and I finally saw a doctor when I couldn't deal with it. I found out that the pills I had been taking had caused me liver damage and my doctor advised me to stay off of them...so I have been off the pill for over a year now. We used condoms...but mistakes happen.

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