My husband of may years dropped a surprise, he was a virgin.

Ok so I kinda thought that he was, but he never told me even when I asked. Now that he has because my reaction was more of me pissed off cause he lied, as well as being upset because we have been having issues with sex for years. Me thinking it was something wrong with me was just his inexpeance and insecurity so ya it pissed me off. OK so he say I have failed to make him feel secure about this as it is a very large, private thing for him. He says he will no longer have sex with me unless I can make him feel better about it. I am unsure on what to do. Advise?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Sounds like a communication issue. I think he has to acknowledge that concealing it is unacceptable and deceitful, and that you have a right to be hurt. Though your anger and frustration is understandable, it sounds like the both of you have become entrenched, so the only way forward is a conciliatory and open tone. Explain that you feel the best way forward is to calmly and rationally, with maturity, have a discussion about this. Explain to him, that the source of your frustration is not that he is a virgin, but that he was dishonest with you. You can understand why he might keep it from you, but that doesn't make it right. Explain the aspects that have hurt you over the years. Encourage him to be open and honest with you, about what exactly the nature of the insecurities were, can he understand why you are upset, and what other things have upset him along the way. I'm sure your attitude and behavior has not helped in a lot respects too, so don't disregard what he says. There's probably a lot of misunderstandings on both sides. See if you can try and understand his perspective. I disagree with bassman by the way. Compassion and understanding is all well and good, but the other party at least has to acknowledge fault and atone.

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    • It should be said, that getting to the root of the problem isn't easy. It's not easy to lay it bare, to say that my problem is this in plain words. It takes a lot of will, trust and effort on both sides. Not to mention a modicum of maturity. But it is absolutely crucial if you want to move forward.

What Guys Said 4

  • i can sort of understand why you are angry cause he lied. you shouldn't lie about things in a relationship. but him being a virgin, is a big deal, because he would feel he would have too perform in the bedroom. if he told you he was virgin, he probably thought you would reject him.

    remember in today society there is big pressure among sexes to perform in the bedroom. I certainly feel that because I am a virgin. so I can relate to his way of thinking. its very hard to know how too tell someone that you are a virgin, especially if you are at a certain age, and the other partner has more experience.

    i think getting angry because he lied about his virginity shouldn't be a big deal. you should be more understanding towards his insecurities, not being angry over silly topic. things like require understanding and compassion to get pass these insecurities. now by you getting angry you have only confirmed to him, he was right about how you would react about it, if he had told in the beginning.

    if my girlfriend lied about something like that, I would not of got angry, and said sorry that you felt this way. and I hope we can work on these issues, so we can have a better time in the bedroom.

    i suggest you go and talk to him, and be more understanding and have more compassion towards him. I would say you are both wrong the way of gone about things. start fresh and start communicating more, and will take two of you, to work hard to get things right.

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    • the relationship is lacking honesty, communication, and understanding between you. that's why your relationship is failing. he is lacking on honesty, both of you of lacking communication. and you are lacking in not understanding for him.

  • Yeah...you really messed up. Very bad reaction to him lying, when you should have showed him some compassion for finally sharing a sensitive topic with you. He probably always feared you would react this way...and you proved him right. He was wrong for saying he won't have sex with you until...but what he really meant was...when you show him some compassion...understanding, and respect, then he will hold up his end of the deal. Don't let this be an issue any longer in your marriage. Get over it quickly...and get on with having really good sex. I suggest you both see a marriage counselor because it sounds like you guys haven't been on the same page for some time. If you need anything else...feel free to ask me.

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  • Well virgins should always get married to virgins anyways to avoid that problem and pardon me but hahahahaha, too funny. Its sad when guys have to lie and its even sadder when the gal goes along with it. sorry to hear.

    So how many guys have you told him you had sex with? Perhaps that was some of the reasoning behind his lack of security. Maybe you need to talk to him about how to do you properly. Encourage him to perform better if you know what I mean. That is really all I have as far as advice.

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  • Those are excellent grounds for divorce.

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What Girls Said 1

  • There is nothing you can do, you could of been understandable with him if he would of told you the truth from the begging, Unfortunately he didn't. Plus in order for a male to perform well the male needs to feel good about himself and have confidence.

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