I am still devastated by how much I hurt him, my kids and the heartbreak I have caused myself. Need urgent advice, please?

I have been with my husband for 23 years, married 14years, 2 kids, 18 & 13. I totally messed up the best thing that had ever happened to me. I LIED about our financial situation quite a few times over the last couple of years, not to hurt him, but to protect him, he was made redundant & couldn't find work so I used money put away for paying self assessment tax, to pay mortgage & other bills. I never told him at the time, then he found out and was real angry that I felt I couldn't talk to him. I understand. He left me 9 weeks ago saying it was for good, as he didn't trust me. He says he will always be my friend and we will be connected because of kids. There is no more arguing. I found out that he met a woman 2 weeks after leaving, he says its just a 'Shag Buddy'. He told me that he needed time to figure out if he has made the right decision in leaving, and is scared to come back and not be happy. I understand that trust is earned and once you lose it its hard to ever trust again. He has told me to move on if I want, as he not sure how long it will take him to make a decision.I am not ready to move on yet as I am still devastated by how much I hurt him, my kids and the heartbreak I have caused myself. I am seeing a doctor and awaiting an appointment with a counselor, because I am not coping with my emotions at all. Do I wait?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Look you haven't exactly been that bad in all this, he is making the whole situation look like it's all your fault. What was your crime? Did you sleep with other men? Did you back stab him? Did you steal from him? The answer is NO! All you did was pay the bills and mortgage with your savings, so that you, him and the kids don't struggle. Yes he didn't wanna dip into the savings, but how else could you have survived? I'm sorry to say this but your husband sounds like an idiot. I mean you sound like a woman who wants to preserve her family and do anything to keep it going smoothly until her husband can work find work. The way her reacted is way too much! I mean he leaves you, f**ks another person in the meantime, then leaves you all in a state whilst he is deciding if he can trust you again.

    Let me put this straight. He does not deserve you. You deserve a real man who loves you, not some guy making excuses so he can get his leg over some other women. I think the spark has gone in your relationship and he is using excuses. Personally I would say to him that you have a wife and 2 kids, you want a straight answer if he still wants to be with you or not. If not, you will move on. You simply CANNOT hang about for this guy like this.

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What Guys Said 2

  • When he said you can move on if you want. My next response would have been...What if I don't want to move on? Then see what he says. You wait until he files the divorce papers...and then you wait some more. I would be shocked if he goes to that much trouble. Wait as long as it takes...and don't question him by asking if he's made a decision. He will let you know by his actions. The details in the past does not matter right now. All the matters is whether or not he is willing to work on his marriage...which both of you are at fault. I would even say as the MAN (head) of his household...he is more at fault for the current situation.

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  • I don't know him, but I think he's using this as an excuse to make you feel like sh*t, blame you, and then f*** other women.

    From your story I gather that he's the villain in all this.

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What Girls Said 2

  • I don't think you did anything bad, yes you lied to him about the financials but it was for a good cause, you didn't go off shopping for clothes with that money! if anything you can apologies for the lack of communication of that's it. I'm sure his decision of moving out, was not just the fact the you didn;t informed him about you using the saving, it was something else maybe that girl.

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  • I kind of have to agree with MystiKal for the most part. Your husband is taking it all WAY too much to heart. You have such a sweet heart, thinking of him before yourself, and putting yourself and your savings in danger by paying off these things without telling him, for the sake of preserving his dignity. You should be praised for that, and I would give you a hug if I could. On the other hand, I can see how he might take it to heart. He's probably the kind of man who feels worthless if he's not the one supporting his family anyway, and just by not being able to work for a while, having to depend on you, when he feels he should have been taking care of you, he felt like a complete failure, but hid those feelings from you, not wanting to complain and make himself seem needy. Then he finds out you were doing what you did, and the guilt that he had doubled up over itself. Instead of choosing a better way to deal with it, he's projecting it onto you, to make you feel worse than he does. In truth he doesn't feel like he deserves you, and to be honest, he probably doesn't. In hindsight, it may have been better to just tell him what you were doing before you did it, but it's really not like you committed some kind of crime. He should be giving you more credit.

    You don't need counseling for yourself...would have been better if you both went in to see someone in the first place though, so they can put everything into perspective for you both at the same time. Seems like the whole separating thing could have been avoided if he didn't act so rashly.

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    • By him acting out so quickly, it really does look like he wanted a reason to go find another woman. Perhaps you should just let him do his thing and just focus on yourself and your kids.

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