Disagreeing on children and marriage

So I have been with this guy for 5 months, almost 6 now, and I know that I'm in love with him. I don't know what I would do without him, I can't even imagine it. Before we started dating he would say things like "that's why I never want kids" or "that's why I would never get married." He also mentioned at one point that he doesn't want to own a home and even said that we could live in separate apartments since I like the heat on and he always runs the ac. Eventually I admitted to him that the idea of living/sleeping alone and without him made me sad. He then said "well I would love to live with you." He says he just doesn't like kids and that he thinks marriage is pointless and that couples shouldn't have to take part in it to prove that they love each other. At the time I honestly felt the same way. I never believed in marriage and I could never see myself as a mother. However, now when the thought of not having kids with him and not having a ring on my finger, I feel very upset. Not saying I want these things anytime soon, but if he were to eventually ask me to marry him, there is not a doubt in my mind that I would say yes. If I found myself carrying his child, I would be overjoyed. I haven't told him that I love him yet, let alone mention these topics. I want him to tell me he loves me first. I know that he has very strong feelings for me, and I know that when he knows that he loves me he will say it. The thing is, I don't know how I should deal with these feelings of wanting to marry him and have kids. Should I take them seriously? Will these feelings get stronger as more time goes by? I really love this man, and if he continues to not want these things I couldn't see myself leaving him because of it. I'm willing to try and move past it, but I just feel very confused and sad about it all.

So what should I do? Should I just keep acting as if nothing is wrong and hope he changes his mind one day? Or should I try to surreptitiously bring it up?

  • Go with the flow and wait it out
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  • Talk to him about it
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Most Helpful Guy

  • As time goes on he may become more open to the idea of those topics the same way you did. You're in love, maybe he's not quite at that point yet. Maybe that's the feeling it'll take for him to say Okay, maybe I could picture us having children together one day and making her my wife. Realistically your relationship is still quite young at 6 months and perhaps if/when he falls deep for you like you have for him, he'll see that kind of future together. I don't think it would hurt to pop the idea of things once in a while to gauge how he's feeling at that moment.

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What Guys Said 2

  • The other guys who responded stated that he *could* change as you did, and they're right, he *could*.

    But the TRUTH is that he isn't likely to. The fact that he's made his feelings so clear and direct at the beginning of the relationship was so that if you had a problem with those things, you could have chosen not to be with him from the beginning. And you even agreed that you felt the same way then. Now you've changed your mind on VERY fundimental issues, and are hoping he will too, but that's quite unlikely.

    He obviously has pretty strong feelings about not having children (you'll have to ask him why he feels that way, but there are legit reasons), and also about marriage. Regarding marriage, the changes in marriage laws have gone so far against men that marriage has become an extraordinarily BAD deal for men, and for many men, the ONLY reason they agree to such a bad deal is for the few additional protections it affords to their children. If you don't want children, then marriage (the legal process, not the spiritual or romantic idea) is such a bad deal for men that most are smart enough to refuse.

    As someone put it: "marriage is betting HALF of everything you've worked for your entire life that you'll be together forever", and with 60+% of first marriages failing, that's a LOUSY bet.

    So, IMO, you need to be realistic about the fact that he probably feels just as strongly today about the things he CLEARLY COMMUNICATED TO YOU from the beginning, and those things probably won't change in the future. What you do with that information is up to you, but you need to take it VERY seriously.

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    • No particular objection to your "missive"..actually I agree...but my sister was adamant that she was not going to have children...more so than me..but it took me longer to get around to it...I agree that being adamant lessens the odds and that she should be aware of that. Maybe females are quicker and more likely to reverse their decisions against having children?

    • Females have a "biological clock" and are programmed to get "baby fever". Men lack this, so, yes, it's FAR more common for women to change their mind in favor of having children than for men to do so.

  • I did not vote in your poll...as you get older, you will find that the world is displayed and created in many more shades of grey than you suspected...youngsters tend to view the world in black & white..in other words nothing is all bad..nor is anything all good...you have changed your views and now you are wondering if he will change his views. But there is no way to know that and he doesn't even know that for himself. I cannot help you...your view regarding this is somewhere within these rough parameters: you will continue to wish for children and/or marriage and he will not and you will be forced to choose...or he will change albeit not as fast as you have and you will either be patient and hope for the best or you will tire of waiting...Or you will surrender your wishes and accede to his wishes..other scenarios might be envisioned or devised...but it will still come back to each of you within your relationship and the tug-of-war between what you wish for vs what you are willing to sacrifice for your partner.

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What Girls Said 2

  • I can see how this hurts badly in your heart. I think you two should talk.

    I read in this book "He's not that into you" written by Greg Behrendt that if he says "I don't want to get married" or "I don't want to have children", what he really means is "I don't want to marry you" or "I don't want to have children with you".

    I don't know if he's right but I surely hope he isn't. It could be that he has objective reasons for not ever wanting to get married. But Greg says that most of the guys don't.

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  • Stay focused on the present. Work on building your relationship with him to a point he will eventually have the same feelings. If not, you can't make anyone want to be married or want to have children. Either accept him as he is or find someone who shares the same feelings about the future! If you feel the need to talk to him about it, talk! But not expect things from him!

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