Been dating my guy 2 years 8 mo, when I bring up marriage he shuts down... help!

We have known each other for over 4 yrs

We live with each other

No big fight (well maybe except for him not talking about the future)

I told him 3 months in, "I don't want to scare you or anything but I want to be honest up front. I do want to get married after dating for 2 years or more & I might want kids in like 4 or more yrs. I just want to be straight with you , so we both can decide if we might want the same thing." To which he responded "Well , I'm still sitting here .. so I guess we are good!" With a smile.

Now skip to today ... We saw something about our friends got engaged. I said "Awww I'm so happy for them. They look so happy, hope we look that happy in our engagement photo!" And he responded with "Well when we get there someday, I hope so!" Then changed the subject quickly. Not to mention he doesn't seem to have a romantic thought very often .. almost never!

SO ... Should I move on? I don't want to ever be that pushy bitch that gives him an ultimatum. He is such a great guy & my best friend. But I also want to be a wife to a man that WANTS to be a husband! Not had to be one

Help!?! :-/


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you'll find it hard to find a man who *wants* to be a husband. Men don't like the idea of being tied down.

    I think one of the reasons so many relationships fail is because the man felt trapped or coerced into something, and he has to back out of it, either by dumping, cheating or divorcing.

    The pressure you feel to get married, is no less important than the pressures he feels to stay single. But right now, for you, you're the only one compromising - you're the only one putting your desires on hold, you're the only one waiting. And that's one sided and not fair.

    I think it's time you forced him to have another talk - explain how you feel. But in the interests of trying to keep things alive and moving in the right direction, explain to him that you seriously thought you'd be at least *engaged* by now, even if he felt like he needed a long-ish engagement. (Keep that time period vague for now.)

    If he's not even ready to make a commitment to marry you, by proposing and getting engaged, then I think he's not going to be any time soon. And it's at that point, you need to think about whether this is the guy you want to wait around on, or leave and try to find someone else and start over.

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    • Thank you for your insight. I was married before (unfortunately he passed away) .. and he was so happy to get engage and wanted to help plan the wedding every step of the way. So I guess I had a good thing before.. so guess I was hoping I would have something where at least my boyfriend would seem happy to get engaged. I have even told him we could have a long engagement. Get married in like one 1/2 or 2 yrs. I almost left him a month ago because he wouldn't even talk about a ballpark of when he wants it. :(

    • It's possible (I'm only spitballing here) that he's like me - doesn't believe in marriage at all. And if so, he's doing something stupid - hoping that if he ignores the problem long enough, it will go away.

      I can imagine being in a situation where I'm with a girl I want to spend my life with, but still don't want to get married.

      The thing is, I know that's a non-starter. If I meet the right girl, I may *have* to get married to keep her. I've accepted that. But I will never look forward to it.

What Guys Said 2

  • Well, if it were me and roles were reversed, ie she didn't want to talk about marriage, I would leave her. He will not even talk about it? He won't even express a reason why? Not even a little? That is pretty extreme in my opinion.

    If you leave, then maybe he Will realize how much he wants to be with you and ask to make a commitment, and if he doesn't, then he was never serious.

    Again, this js just what I would do. I didn't have to because my girl and I were on the same page the whole time before we made it official. It is a major decision for you, but again, not even discussing the idea seems like a giant red flag to me...most guys will at least give the bs reason, I want to wait until I make more money, or finish school or get a promotion. Etc, but he doesn't even care that much! Seems like he takes you for granted.

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    • Thank you for your insight! He has used the excuse "I want to have a house and more money to provide for you more!" But he is not even looking into loans or house to buy ... So makes me feel like "ok I guess I'll just be on the back burner!" And the comment about taking me for granted, that is how I'm starting to feel! My best friend told me I am making it way to easy for him. I work, clean our place, do both our laundry, not to mention he's OCD so I have to keep stuff extra clean.

  • If you are living together and happy then why is marriage so important?

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    • I guess its not that I have to get married, its that I want to know I'm with somebody who sees that happening in the future & can give me a ballpark at least :/

What Girls Said 1

  • I'm sorry but when a man sees something he truly wants he gets it and locks it down. Sure some men take time to make up their mind but it does not take 3 years correction almost 7, (you've known him for 4 years prior). I commend you for being upfront about your expectations and I would have taken his response as affirmation of what I want, but the bottom line is when a guy is desious about making you his wife, there is no question, his actions will show it. In my opinion, this guy isn't ready to settle down or isn't ready to settle down with you. (Im sorry if that hurts your feelings, but to me that seems like the truth) I think you know what you want. I also agree with the other poster here that said a guy is not going to be rushed or doesn't like to be coersed into something he doesn't or isn't ready for. So my suggestion is set yourself a date to move on. Don't tell him. Keep it in your head. When the time comes, leave and move out. If he asks, just clearly tell him I told you my expectations from the start, and I love myself enough to know that I deserve someone who truly wants me and not playing games and on the same page as me, period. If he loves you, he'll do whatever it takes to keep you. If he doesn't or not ready, he'll let you go. If a man isn't ready or doesn't want you, don't bother waiting, because you will never get your time back. you never know, spending time waiting for your boyfriend to come around may be blocking your blessing for the guy that is searching for a wife & ready to settle down, but can't find her. Good luck to you.

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    • Thank you for giving it straight! This was sorta what was in my head , but I started feeling like an I that whiney girl that is making a big desk out of something small. You help me see NO I do deserve what I want. Thanks :)

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