Don't want husband to feel this way?

I'm sorry this is so long.

My husband and I are both 25 and have been married for 3 years, dated for 1.

He is so perfect. Works hard(plus he is a firefighter, talk about sexiest job on earth). He is a 10/10 in the looks department. Great shape, doesn't have any nasty habits like smoking, dipping exe exe... He helps around the house just to help not because I ask. Shows that he loves me greatly without being clingy. I could go out with the girls till 4am and he wouldn't care at all because he trust me without doubt. And to put icing on the cake he is how do I say OMG in bed. We average sex at least 9-10 times a week. So I have been living on cloud 9 for the last 4 years. So the other day when he was at work I hoped on his laptop to get my FB fix when I found that he was on here,answer-bag, Girls ask Guys, Asking how he gets over his wife's past sex life. WTF? I never knew he felt that way. He never said anything to me. So yesterday when we were laying in bed I told him what I found. He instantly got distant and said its my problem not yours, now leave it alone. So we then got into a fight about him not trusting me with his feeling(which I won haha) and got him to open up. He was never vary open about his past. I thought because he had slept with half of Chicago and didn't want to upset me, but no he's only slept with 3 other woman before me where I had around 20 or so(I was a slut in collage lol) He said he has always felt this way and it caused the break up between him and his ex(shes a slut still anyways). And he didn't want to do that with me, So it was his job to suck it up and deal with it. Now I feel horrible and want to make his pain go away. And he said this is exactly what he didn't want. What can I do to help.

Wow so I see instead of help most just want to call names or point fingers. Thank you to the two that were nice and helpful. I hope there are more like yours to come.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Ok I just gave you a really long answer and it couldn't submit so I'll have to start over. So, in short, tell him that you're lucky to have him and you're happily married to him. The past is the past so you can't change it but you left that past for a good future with him. His ex is still that kind of girl (sorry I don't cuss) but you're not. What's important is now - that you are not doing it while being married to him. He's is you're only one. So if you're not presently cheating on him, why should it bother him now? Why should that ruin the happy marriage between you two. P.S. Tell me what happens! Maybe we can figure out the next move together. Hope that helps!

    • The little I got out of him, he said he doesn't like the fact that other guys have slept with me, for I know how they feel and them I. This is vary out of character for him. I am not upset with him or annoyed one bit. I feel bad he gives me everything I want/need and I can not for him. And the worst part is I can't take it back or change it. I just want his pain to stop.

    • Show All
    • He didn't wait till now. He has always felt this way from the beginning. He just didn't tell me. I know he has no regrets. When he opened up I started crying and he said- nope no tears over something that isn't your fault. But I feel like s*** now. Plus I LOVE that 2nd comment!

    • Then do it lol! Thanks! Hey he's your husband, tell him you feel bad and that you want to make it up to him. In the first comment, I mean why he decided to act on it now, like why go to Girls Ask Guys now. By the way, I don't know if his comment is supposed to make it better, but it would make me feel worse, kinda like a guilt trap. At least you guys are finally opening up, and I'm pretty sure he did mean that comment in a good way, even though he's bothered. You got yourself a good husband!


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What Guys Said 9

  • Men always feel instinctively repulsed by very sexually experienced women. It is a natural response to prevent against cuckolding. Men worry that if you have that much experience, he might not be able to measure up and that you could continue to get some sex on the side and have some other man's baby.

    Women that like sexual variety too much make men nervous, with reason. Cuckolding is a very real threat to a man. The best thing you can do is not bring it up again and avoid situations where he might think you are tempted to cheat (bars, dance clubs, nights out late with the girls, etc.). Your behavior is what matters most. Don't put yourself in high-risk places where he might starting doubting you.

    Also, continue to jump his bones and keep asking him sexually what he likes. Show him that you are 100% sexually loyal and excited about him and you're going to do a better job of easing his concerns.

  • The fight you guys got into about him not trusting you may be reinforced in his head by the fact that you went on his laptop and snooped around. Now I know you're his wife, but this is still really, really hurtful. It's like you're doing to him the exact thing you're accusing him of doing to you. And you know how bad that feels now don't you?

    First and foremost, apologize for snooping. Don't just do it shortly, be in depth as to why you did it, and how you felt and why you confronted him, so that he fully understands (the more he understands, the less bad assumptions he will make). When you are doing this, DO NOT explode (even though the emotions may begin to stir as you explain this and you'll want to get mad). This is your part, if you remain calm, he will feel safe to reciprocate, if you don't you will be even worse off than you were before you apologized.

    After this, let him reciprocate (if he gets mad, don't reciprocate, listen to him and let him blow off ALL of the steam until he is done, then he will be able to think clearly once that emotional process is done). Then, explain to him that you had no idea that he ever felt this way and you really appreciate him wanting to spare your feelings and handle it alone (make sure you appreciate this action that he took), but that you are his wife and that you wish to know how he feels so that you can face your troubles together and that you want to be there for him when he is having a moment of weakness and that even though he may have those moments of weakness, he will still always be your knight, always your king, and you his queen.

    After this, then you may discuss it further openly and ready to understand.

    • p.s. in times of stress the body produces oxytocin (which has a socializing effect). Androgens (male hormones) diminish the effects of oxytocin; Estrogen increases the effects of oxytocin. This is why men "go at it alone" and women like to talk about it. Don't judge him for wanting to do it alone, this had an effect in it.

  • All you can really do is be understanding, and make it clear that you've totally changed and have no interest in going back to that life. The rest he has to work out for himself.

  • Sorry to say, there is really nothing you can say or do at this point. Think about it. I can relate to how he feels because I can't stand women who sleep around like crazy but him bringing this up now 3 years into the marriage is wrong and isn't the best way to preserve a marriage. All I can tell you is if he really loves you, his love will override how he feels toward your past but speaking for myself, I know that that would bother me tremendously and that's why I don't get involved with girls who have slept around a lot (no offense). In all honesty you two need couples/marriage counseling because this can seriously end your marriage. He has unresolved feelings and you're having a difficult time expressing yours, you two need a marriage counselor.

    • He didn't bring it up. I kinda pulled it out of him. Because he is trying to do the whole I can suck it up don't look at my weekness because I'm a man bull ****.

    • Whomever brought it up is irrelevant at this point. All that matters is that your past is haunting him. Whether that is right or wrong isn't for me to say but I'm uncertain whether YOU on your own can make him feel better. What are you going to tell him? Assure him of your love and that your promiscuity is your old self? I don't think that will make him feel much better. This is something that will forever bother him until you two get professional help. I'm not calling names or pointing fingers :)

  • First off, what are you doing snooping around his personal stuff? 2nd off, the fact that you admit that you were a slut is always discouraging to guys. I mean I would feel personal about it since you can spread unknown diseases.

    However, if he wants it left alone then just leave him alone.

    • I wasn't snooping. I always use his laptop. When I opened IE that stuff was already up

    • You were snooping...even if it was already up on his laptop you still bothered to read his entire post. Your best bet is to simply ignore your past to make him happy.

  • It's a little late for him to be having issues with that. It's something that should have been discussed before you got married. Did he just find out about this?

    • I just found out. He said he has had this problem his whole life. With his exs that he got close to and everything. He isn't taking it out on me or anything. I just want to help. It must hurt a lot to last 4 years.

  • You can't. He should have enquired about your past slutty ways before he married you. Poor guy.

  • if it doesn't affect how he feels for you why does the past matter SOOO damn much to you?

    • You must not have understood. What I am asking is how to make him feel better.

  • You should not have snooped.

    You should have dropped it as soon as you found out and forgot about it.

    You should not have confronted him.

    Those are our demons to deal with.

    (Not sure what's so funny about being a slut)

    • Dont think its funny. Just trying to laugh at myself right now because I feel like ****

    • I see.

      So you have your demons and he has his. He chose to not call you out on yours. Maybe that's good advice for you too.

What Girls Said 2

  • first you shouldn't have invaded his privacy and betrayed his trust. but there not a whole lot you can do, you can't change the past, he is right he has to be the one to work it out in his own time. and don't snoop anymore

  • Assure him that even though you may have been with other guys in the past, you are with him now and never even think of any other guys... tell him how much more amazing the sex with him is. Tell him what you typed here, about how happy you have been with him the last 4 years. Guys are very insecure and possessive that way but there's nothing you can do now to change the past, he has to accept it..

    • I agree especially since it's this long into it. On the onther hand who wants to marry an admitted slut?

    • I said I was a slut in college. Not now. Thanks jerk. I think he has accepted it, It just hurts him. After 4 years and I haven't heard a word about. So its not like he is taking it out on me.

    • I apologize because I wasn't trying to be mean. I'm just pointing out that most guys I know wouldn't have committed if they had known earlier. I agree with what another person said about and we all have our demons. I hope it works out for you.