Advice on becoming a second wife?

I’m 28yrs old and my boyfriend is 20yrs older than me. I don’t have any kids and I have never been married before. My boyfriend of a year has been divorced for about 6 to 7 years. He has 4 kids (youngest is 14 the other three are all in their early 20s). His ex-wife turned the kids against him, so he doesn’t see them. It’s like they hate him and do not want to have anything to do with him. The last born used to visit every other weekend but she has stopped visiting. I have only met the first and last born and they were nice to me.

My boyfriend doesn’t communicate with his ex-wife. If she calls/emails he tells her he wants nothing to do with her and insists that his kids talk to him directly if they need anything not through her.

My boyfriend wants to marry me. He is a good man (it’s hard to find a good one) with a great personality, who is understanding and patient with me but I’m just afraid of having a future with him considering his past/baggage etc.

He still has to pay alimony and child support. However, he has made it clear that that is his duty and I am not required to help.

I know he has adult kids who don’t talk/meet with him but what if they do decide to reconnect with their dad? I have a great relationship with my dad so it kind of makes me sad how his kids have completely removed him from their lives. I would love them to reconnect but I am also afraid of what that may result too - how do I handle adult kids and the possibility that they may not like me? I am not their mother and do not want to act like their mom. Should I just keep my distance?

Am I required to really meet his ex-wife? We bumped into her once when she was out with their last born and she acted like I wasn’t even there. My boyfriend and I were both seated in the car – she just greeted him, however, their daughter said hello to the both of us.

Also, should I insist on meeting his other two children who I have never met?

My boyfriend said that he is willing to move to another country if it would make me feel more comfortable. So that we could start a new and fresh life together. I wouldn’t mind doing that but would it really help the situation that we have?

Also our age difference will it really cause trouble in the long run? My mom hates the age difference and the fact he is divorced with kids but she and my family would stand by me if I decided that this is really what I want.

I come from what I would call an ideal family, I have no half/step siblings etc. My parents are not divorced. It is very hard for me to understand the situation my boyfriend is coming from and how I should be involved. Sometimes I do have those feelings of resentment for not being able to be the mother of his first child, etc. But I love him and he really loves me.

Are there any people who have been in a similar situation, with any advice or with pointers on what I should know before making this a full commitment?


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What Guys Said 1

  • You don't need to act like a mother to adult kids. Especially ones your age. Imagine a relationship closer to being a cousin.

    Do you want to have kids? That's a big question.

    I think the age difference, you'll notice it more in 10-15 years. Age catches up to men later then women, but it does catch up to them.

    A few women I work with who are mid 40's have husbands 20 years older. (similar situation, they were second wives, didn't have kids). Its tough when he gets old, I guess.

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What Girls Said 1

  • the first red flag here is the age difference,men who are reaching their 50s and up, tend to go after the young girls,you are close in age to his own kids so shame on him,he is going through his "change". Its only been a year with you,do not rush anything,yeah of course he treats you good,u are young eye candy great for his ego..You have allot of sacrificing to do,he does not,so just enjoy the trip but take your time. Some day also you may want your own kids,then what,he will be in his 50s and won't get to enjoy your kids by the time they are teens because he will be heading towards the older retirement years so he would be more like grandpa..think long and hard,there are so many men out there without this type of baggage...and there are still a lot of good ones left,trust me you have not met THE only good one.

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