Do I leave or stay with boyfriend of 5 years?

I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and we've been living together for about 2 years. I'm 22 and he is 26.

Long story short, tonight we were talking about getting engaged/married. We were out of town for our anniversary weekend (a concert that he bought tickets for as a surprise) and I teasingly said that the way he talked it up, I thought he was going to propose--especially because he never plans ANYTHING in advance and is not romantic in the slightest.

But get this... He got mad and told me I was nuts for thinking he was going to propose any time soon, and I quote, "What, did you think I was going to whisk you off of your feet and go on some romantic vacation and then propose? Yeah right." And this was not in the teasing, sarcastic way--I'm talking VENOM in his voice. Then he went in the bedroom and slammed the door.

We truly have a great relationship until this subject comes up. For almost 3 years he has been saying he has the perfect ring picked out, knows exactly how he is going to propose, etc, but then there's always an excuse... And it's always MY fault, of course. This is giving me a complex! I'm starting to think something is horribly wrong with me and that I'll never be good enough. I feel like he's leading me on for some reason.

Seriously, for example: if I miss a day washing the dishes because I was tired from work or something, he'll say "And this is why we're not married yet, because I don't know if you're going to turn into a slob after I marry you."

Tonight he basically told me that if I want to get married so badly, I should find someone else who does. I just don't get it. He acts so happy with me until this subject comes up, and he's the one who always used to bring up engagement and marriage, and said how excited he was about finding the perfect ring for me... Now it's like he turns into a monster.

Anyway, I want honest opinions because at this point, although I do love him, I'm considering moving out of our house and breaking up with him. I can't tolerate the way he disregards my feelings and talks down to me about this anymore.

Thanks.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • If he was talking to me like that then I would not give him the time of day. If he really loved you and cared about you he would treat you with more respect and not be so horrible. It sounds like he is using you as a slave and feels comftable at the moment and does not want to take things any further. I know its hard when you love someone but you also need to be happy.

    I think you need to have some time apart from him with out seeing him or speaking to him for a few days so that you can figure out what you really want. I think you need to think about how you feel, think if you are really happy and can see your self being happy in the future or is it time to move out and move on. After you have had your space and your think it would then be the time to sit down and talk to him face to face and be mature, open and honest about how you feel and what you think and ask him to be aswell. If he is not willing to talk this through and you can not figure things out then it is time for the relationship to end.

    I know that some people do not want to get married which is fair enough, but if he does not want to get married and it is not in his future plans then he should have told you this earlier on.

    You are still young and have time to find someone else, someone who will give you the love and respect that you deserve. This will also give you a chance to have fun with your friends and do the things that you want to do. I know it is hard now and it will take time to move on but you will be fine after a while.

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What Guys Said 3

  • hey In a way I'm going through the same thing, my so called fiance is giving me my ring back because she says she doesn't love me enough to get married. She always tells me stuf about marriage, where she wants to have the wedding and how many kids she wants to have. anyway you should talk to him, because he might be bi-ploar like I think my former fiance is. Please read my question and tell me what ou think How can I get my ex girlfriend to realize what she left benind. Its a story but I believ some of this pertains to you. Give me your comment and I can finished telling you what I think.

    Thank You

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  • I'm only 18 and I've never been in a situation much like yours however, I'd like to share an opinion that although perhaps flawed might be food for thought. Could it be that although he does care a lot about and sees himself with you for a long time. He is afraid of commitment? For example, he is willing to bring up marriage and talk about it in a far off way so as to keep you interested because that is what you want to hear but at the same time making no promises and therefore he doesn't "paint" himself into a corner. I think a break would be an excellent choice. Not a break up but a break from each other. This will give him time to see what life is like without you and perhaps bring him around to the realization that he'd truly rather be with you. You will have to take actions because staying in the same situation will not allow him to change or develop. He likes the thought of marriage but the act itself scares him which does seem a bit like commitment issues. Please realize though that there is nothing wrong with you and you would make a perfect wife or girlfriend after all here you are asking for help because you care enough to try to find a solution. Do not let him mistreat you either please talk back, (not scream back or fight back) but try to be like, "calm down. You don't need to over react lets just talk." But I'd suggest a break not a break up make sure you tell him what you plan on doing however, so that he doesn't feel like you are breaking up. Perhaps however, a break up might be necessary in the future if it is extremely necessary for him to realize what he has and for you to begin to realize that you don't HAVE to wait around for him. Good luck

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  • He sounds very harsh and disrespectful of your feelings. It seems like you tried to talk about this with him? If so, it's probably best to move out and leave him. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Definite issues here! Honey, I would flee the relationship as soon as possible.

    I understand someone having issues with marriage, as I do. But I don't flip when my guy brings it up, and we talk about it like mature adults. It is more of a when than an if. And we definitely don't use it as a reward to be yanked from you when something is done wrong like your guy does. That is just cruel.

    I understand wanting to know, as I think you should know where a relationship might go and if the person you are with has the same goals. But the way he acts is all over the board, so to speak, and not emotionally healthy for you. Any guy who would say those things is obviously going to end up emotionally abusive toward you at some point in the future.

    Yeah, you're young. But no one deserves to have their fears and hopes about the future treated this way. It'll only get worse, so I would say leave him. He obviously has no respect for your emotions at all.

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  • you're only 22, what's the rush? I don't blame him for not being ready. I told my boyfriend right when we started getting serious that we weren't speaking of marriage till we were both 25. if you love him how can you even consider breaking up with him? I think you need to take his feelings into consideration here, imagine if it were you that wasnt ready for marriage, would you want him breaking up with you over it?

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  • It sounds like he has some marriage issues. I think that he struggles with wanting to be married but also being afraid of it as well. This is not a good excuse to talk to your girlfriend like that. What he says is so rude and so mean that it almost makes me think that he's a tad crazy. Is he honestly this mean ONLY when marriage is brought up?

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  • I lived with my husband for 7 years before we got married. Mainly it was my fault... after only 9 months... and a little hint he took me shopping for a ring, bought it, and proposed. I had issues with committing, as it was my second marriage... my first marriage became abusive after I married a guy thinking he was the one. Finally after half my family passed away we got married... and I don't regret it. Honestly ask him if there is anything he thinks that he don't know after 5 years of being together. If he says that there is... maybe think about moving on... because even I couldn't say that... I just used money as an excuse, but didn't blame anyone. The reason hubby didn't push it... he knew me well enough to know that I had previous issues with my last marriage that I needed to work through.

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  • One sentence in there makes me want to tell you to FLEEEEEE! To say this is why we don't get married because I don't know if you are going to turn into a slob afterwards is a HUGE RED FLAG! When kids come into the picture and you are working and tired and cannot keep up with the house, you WILL be verbally abused over and over again resulting in nothing but tearing you down and wearing you out. Find someone with a little more compassion and understanding not to mention a team player who will help you and encourage you. I know you are in a comfort zone right now with him, but after years of marriage how much better do you think those comments are going to get? They don't get better, only worse. Take time off with him and tell him your concerns for why. If he grows up and comes to his senses perhaps he will try to work with you on these issues. If he gets pissy and never comes back, well you are much better off for it.

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