Having second thoughts after the engagment

I have always been the type of person who values others more than myself and I haven't spent a lot of time as a single man. I was dating this girl for three years and it was a relationship that needed constant work, to say the least. After three years of constantly "working on it" I knew she wanted to take it a step further with an engagement. I wasn't ready to move forward in fear of the hardships we had faced in the years past. However, because I loved her and wanted to see her happy I went through with it. Now, six months into the engagement I find myself regretting this move forward. I feel the urge to be a single man and I want to focus on my own needs and satisfaction. I do love her and I would never want to hurt her but I feel that if I keep "one leg out" so to speak that this will haunt me in the future and ultimately hurt her more. What should I do? Am I wrong for feeling this way? I know the popular answer is going to be "talk to her" but what do you say to someone that's done nothing wrong?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You have to be honest...

    With her.. with yourself..

    Tell her how you feel, how you felt and thought before.. and what that means now, to you.

    Listen to her, how she now feels, what this means to her, and to both of you...

    Maybe she gives you some space to truly find yourself...

    Maybe she freaks and leaves you...

    Maybe, you both go your separate ways...

    Maybe, she even feels much the same way, but like you, is hiding doubts and fears..

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What Girls Said 2

  • Any relationship is going to take hard work. Especially a marrige its something you have to work at everyday of your life. No one ever said its suppse to be easy or go smoothly.if there has been cheating or mistrust that's a hard one to bandage up. If you aren't sure then you come clean to her because it could affect your whole life.just be honest with her its the best way. N don't let her find this post because man o man if you were my fiance I'd be pissed that you didn't come to me instead lol good luck!

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  • You could try to tell her how you feel, tell her you love her but you want some time to see if that relationship is right for you? A break will give you the opportunity to think things through, and since it's only a break, you can still go back to her and continue with your engagement (if that's what you want).

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    • Im honestly not sure if I want to be engaged to her. as I look back on everything, I can't help but feel that if I had focused on my happiness this whole time, we probably wouldn't have made it this far.

What Guys Said 3

  • Dang, you're in a tough spot brother. But yeah, I guess you could sit down with her and say how that you're having second thought, and hope she'll still stick around with you. But no, you're not wrong about having doubt. Rather get things clear now, then look back and say why didn't I do that.

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  • It's perfectly normal to have second thoughts about important things. If you feel you need to think more, then do it, and to do so, take some time off her.

    Better now than after a few months into a wedding that won't work, after you've spent a boatload of money.

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  • You can talk until you're blue in the face, but this isn't about compromise or making someone else happy. You both have to want it 100% or it's doomed from the start. Sounds like she wants it and you aren't sure. If you really enjoy being with her and just aren't ready for marriage, tell her the truth and postpone the wedding. If she dumps you than move on. If she is OK with waiting, you can stay engaged forever until you know it's right. It's not deceptive to prolong a relationship because you're not ready for marriage. Now if you truly don't see yourself spending the rest of your lives together, than start looking at ways to slow it down and move on. I say slow it down because I know from experience that breaking up with a partner that really wants you, never goes well. You better have a plan because you'll think you just stole a lions meal when that announcement comes out. The old saying, Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned, is an understatement. If things aren't bad between the two of you, I personally think it's easier to back off a bit and let things cool down before making any sudden moves. I was married for eighteen years and I just ended a five year relationship with a woman I was engaged to. I'm here to tell you. The things that bothered you over the last few years, NEVER go away. You can talk, compromise, and stuff things under the rug, but like a weed, it always comes back. One of the biggest decisions of my life, and she hates me for it. But I knew after all that time, she wasn't going to change and the relationship wouldn't last. So why would I marry her if it's not going to last? I was wasting her time and mine. It sounds selfish but you have to do what's right for you. Trying to make her happy by getting married will not make you happy. Nobody can tell you how you feel and you have a huge decision to make. Take your time and make the best decision possible.

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