My girlfriend doesn't want marriage or sex....

been with my girlfriend for 10 years and I've been wanting to get married for the last 5 but to no avail she tells me that its just a bit of paper and it means nothing.my other problem is we hardly have a sex life and never really had one.its depressing when I see couples making out and being loving,wish I had that :(

she won't talk to me about it she just get angry if I bring up either suject.i know she liked sex with her old boyfriend and told me that she would never change the past even if she could.broke my heart.

so I'm asking what can I do? is she the one for me?

Updates:
Hi everyone,thankyou so much for your answers,this has helped me heaps...im going to sit her down tonight and have a big talk,i think I've been hanging on because she is the only girlfriend I've ever had I feel if we broke up I will never find anyone again...but hey no point being with someone if she dosnt love you..

thanks again to everyone :)


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I can't help but feel sorry for you. I don't mean in a mean way, as in I can't believe she's treating you like that after such a long time together.

    Honestly, if she's not willing to talk about it, there's not a lot you can do about it. You now have to decide if you think there's something about your relationship worth continuing or splitting up. Splitting up won't be easy cause you've spent the last 10years of your life together, that's a lot of time! But, it may be better for both your sakes, it sounds she isn't happy with your relationship either and I hope to god she's not cheating on you! I find it hard to believe that she's not been having regular sex over the past couple of years, but honestly, if she has any form of respect for you and your feelings I hope she isn't seeing someone behind your back.

    I also agree with a of what EvieX said, especially on this: "You need to say to her that whilst you respect that's how she feels, to you, marriage is important. And so if it is truly just paper to her, why would she not be willing to do it because of what it means to you?"

    Hope you work something out.

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What Girls Said 29

  • oh ! that 's a shame ..

    well it seems it 's not a problem that she doesn't like sex or something but this 's the lead .. she liked her ex boyfriend , and that means that she thinks you 're the problem .. I just can't buy it .. can't imagine how she had a great sexual life with her ex and now .. it means nothing to her !

    maybe she wasn't ready from the begining .. she 's not willing to marry you .. because she 's not sure that this 's what she always wanted , she 's waiting for something .. and let me tell that thing 's not you ..

    lets forget about that point .. you think about it you don't even have that passion of having sex now .. 5 years after getting married what would your life be like ?!

    i don't know that much about relationships but sex 's the highlight of any relationship , you could handle it for that length of time , but you 'll wake up one day thinking to your self .. that 's not what I wanted , I can't take it anymore .. these days b4 marriage 's the thing that gives you the stregnth to hold on if you feel one day she 's not completing all your needs when she 's busy of sick or even having a problem .. you know where my words lead .. give your mind a chance and be realistic for a while , but let me tell you 10 years 're such a waste .. too late to ask that question .. if she 's the one for you ?!

    i wish I helped

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  • About the marriage thing - "she tells me that its just a bit of paper and it means nothing" - that's a reason not to get married but then again if it's so meaningless than why not do it anyway if you want it. I mean love and relationship is all about partnership and frequent compromises. Though, I agree with her that it's stupid, if it's what you want then why not do it for you if it wouldn't mean anything anyway.

    About the sex thing - I don't know if applies in this situation cause I don't know her as a person, but sometimes women just say they don't want this and really don't, but if you surprise them somehow and go for it instead of bring it up as a subject to discuss then it may pay up, little by little (slowly and one step of a time).

    About being the one - it's only you who knows that. You gotta feel it from the inside, you gotta answer yourself that one. By the looks of it most people can say she isn't, specially if it was something new, but this is a relationship of 10 years, having sex/making out problems is normal and fixable with let's say what Kasiejo said - this sort of sex game that she offered as a solution.

    You said she broke your heart, maybe you can't put a glue on it and just continue with her, and if this barrier was passed one time it may happen again. Besides, can you just forget that? People grow apart and being with someone that long is never easy to just let go of. But I remind you, that's practically speaking, that's an opinion on someone I don't really know and never the less, you and only you know if she's the one and if she's right for you :)

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  • In the nicest possible way, I think you might need to break up.

    You may love each other very much but it sounds like you're just not compatible as more than personalities. You want different things and futures for yourself and I think you'll be unhappy in your life if you continue to cater for her. Five years is a long time to not get involved with her in the ways you really want. Ten even more so.

    She might not like talking about the subject, but you need to. You need to say to her that whilst you respect that's how she feels, to you, marriage is important. And so if it is truly just paper to her, why would she not be willing to do it because of what it means to you?

    I think you need to have a serious conversation about your goals and desires for this relationship and if they just aren't compatible, you need to split. You can't keep settling. It will be very hard and entering an unknown world, but maybe it's what you both need in order to both be happy.

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  • 10 years? Seriously?Time to move on. No Communication, no sex, different values... She's not the one.

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  • You can't be with this girl forever when you're not happy. You need to tell her what you want from the relationship and if she refuses then you need to suggest the possible end to your relationship. I know girls don't want sex all the time but if you rarely have sex then that's not good. Sex brings you together and is a natural thing. Maybe there's something about sex she really despises and so talking about it with her could bring it out and you could solve it together.

    If you're attracted to someone, you always want it whenever you can because they turn you on. She doesn't seem to be sexually attracted to you.

    If you've been together for ten years and her view on sex and marriage has remained the same, I don't see her changing her mind any time soon. Maybe the thought of losing you could make her re-evaluate the relationship and what she wants from it. If not, then I suggest you find someone who makes you happy in all areas of your life and needs.

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  • Personally I think she likes the security of your relationship, but doesn't want a relationship. I personally feel as though you should move on. She obviously doesn't have any of your values and also doesn't care about your needs. Even if you could get her to marry I can guarantee you would have no sex life still. I actually know people that thought it would change when they got married, nope still only got laid a couple times a year. And interestingly enough sexual problems are the number one people divorce. Find someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. That's what everyone deserves not someone that just keeps using you as she is.

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  • Buy a sex game! they are really fun and make things interesting.. its more then just sex you have to play the game and make each other teasing, make you want it more. maybe send sexy texts during the day or compliment her when she's getting ready in the morning or when she's in the shower, hop in there with her. you have to want her like a piece of meat again. it will make her feel sexy.

    As for the marriage thing.. maybe ask if you can have a ceremony with family and friends and wedding rings WITHOUT the paper! remind her about all the cash and gifts you get ;) I sort of agree with her about the stupid government paper. but I would LOVE to get a wedding dress and vow to someone how much I love them!

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  • Move on and find someone else, Having spoke with a lot of my women friends I have found that when they lose interest in sex with their partner they are loosing interest in the relationship. Sex is an important part of a relationship and at your age you should be enjoying it.

    Marriage is not what it once was, I myself am not interested in it, however if I was with someone who felt strongly about it, I would consider a long engagement.

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  • I think you are comfortable being with her and hence you don't wanna leave, I say split it and take time to be single and focus on yourself and then find someone that wants what you want...when she gets mad about those two topics...be a man,...tell her" we have to talk about this, and something has gotta change, cause if you won't talk to me or try, I am really considering finding someone who wants what I want in life and wants to try with me". Don't end up waiting a few more years for it to finally end cause you are gonna become more and more miserable and hurting...if someone truly loves you they will listen , they will care and they will try. you wanna get married and you will always want that, you need someone who wants the same ..you deserve more

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  • wow. well I do believe she loves u, maybe something happened to her that she didn't want to tell u. I would suggest ending things now otherwise you will not live a happy life with her and you might end up resenting her in your older years if yall are still together.

    tell her exactly how you feel and what you want, tell her what you just told us, that you want affection from her, you want to feel what other couples feel and if she don't change or tell you why she is that way then move on,

    hope it works out for u

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  • She seems like she's being a bit selfish.

    The marriage thing is okay, I think, because you two are still together.

    Problem is you're together and you don't seem very happy.

    I think the fact that she won't even talk about it is kind of the worst part. How are two people supposed to figure something out if they can't even talk about it?

    In my opinion, I think you should just ask her if she's happy with how things are, and, even if she is, take a break from the relationship and see if you two can be happier elsewhere.

    I realize it's a ten year long relationship, it's not an easy thing to just stop, but why keep torturing yourselves? If neither party is going to get anything out of it, what's the point of compromising?

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  • Sex is one of the essentials in every relationship and If you guys as a couple don't have any sex life and you'e together for 10 years, something is very wrong. + being able to talk openly with your partner about sex is necessary! I say, go out there and find the one, because she clearly is not the one :)

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  • Why are you with her?

    Not wanting to be intimate with your boyfriend usually means that she is not into you anymore. Sorry to say that but this is the harsh truth.

    Also, marriage is kinda final thing. I mean you have to be sure that you love the person who you'll be married with. She isn't.

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  • She is not. She wants neither commitment ( what women generally want from men) nor the sex (what men generally want from woman). I'm curious as to what exactly the benefit is for her to be in this relationship with you? You must be paying for everything bill wise? You deserve to be with someone who is madly in love with you and generally speaking, most people in love want to have sex with each other and often. End it and go find the woman deserving of your affections. Don't waste another 5 years hoping she might change her mind. If she hasn't by now she isn't going to.

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  • Sounds more like a friendship then a relationship. With out a commitment or sex she's not bringing a whole lot & you can't have a relationship with out either. I think she just doesn't want to be alone.

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  • She's not that into you. Dump her so she can stop being cold and wasting your time. You don't deserve to settle someone who won't express love or communicate with you. Best of luck, and I hope you find a good girlfriend soon.

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  • No sex?! How is that an adult relationship? Sex is healthy and an expression of love between two people. She doesn't sound emotionally invested in this relationship either. Break up with her already!

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  • The only thing I can say is wait it out there's not really much you can do, maybe she just doesn't like sex anymore who knows.

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  • You both have different feelings about what this relationship means, she won't commit to you in either of those ways because she doesn't feel you're 'the one'. I'm afraid this relationship needs to end, and you should be the one to do it.

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  • sounds a friendship here you got with her...nothing more. Move on, find someone at your level...

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  • I think it might be time to break up.

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  • I'm really sorry for saying this but she sounds like a real drag, if your not happy with this girl then I suggest breaking up and find a girl who enjoys sex, making out and having fun with you in ways you want there's loads out there

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  • Have you tried counselling? May be able to help her open up about what the issues are. Sometimes there can be a physical cause to low libido and other times it's an emotional issue (or a mix of both). Also on the marriage front there may be a way to compromise, eg make the ceremony extremely low-key ie registry office. Have you asked why she shuts down - does she feel you don't listen to her point of view maybe? If you still love her and the relationship is fulfilling in most other regards, I'd say it's worth trying to get some help.

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  • sounds like she's not thinking about you much (if at all)

    in regards to sex, even if I don't feel like it I think about my boyfriend's needs even without him saying anything. he tends to not communicate his sexual desires. he hints once, then never mentions it again. have to use my intuition. when I offer he accepts immediately like he was waiting to be offered. he appreciates it.

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  • Look, honestly after 10 years ANYONE's sex life starts to dwindle.

    If you want to get married and she is dead set against it, you have to decide whether you want to stay with this girl.

    If she is saying that to you about the sex, then I'd move on. Better yet, I'd sign up for one of those workshops (to improve your sex life) so you can learn a few things to drive girls absolutely nuts, and THEN give her her walking papers. (Marriage license or pink slip... lady's choice.)

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    • Hang in there and good luck!

  • Hmm, she won't talk to you. That's the hardest thing. Try enjoying activities firstly that don't involve sex. And don't bring up the subject, you don't want her to feel like you are doing those things JUST so you can get sex afterward, otherwise she would be pretty disgusted. Take her out, do what she wants at home, carry on casual conversations with her and hopefully y'all would reach that moment where you fall in love again and she might actually be begging for it. Just don't push yourself on her, don't show her anything about sex on purpose, don't bring up anything about sex. As for the marriage, take some time to talk about what being married means to you, and that she's the one you want to uphold your highly esteemed values with. Maybe she'll warm up to it. And I hope you don't rush the talk about kids either. Let her bring that up. Hope something helps you. I sincerely wish you all the best.

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  • Time to split

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  • I am tall blond and athletic I don't get asked out and I want sex every day what gives?

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  • Ouch, honestly I would have hit the road a LONG time ago. If she won't have sex with you, but you want it.. why stay with her? Marriage is not just a piece of paper even for me it is like something saying "its OK to start a family now". You're still young try to break it off even though it will hurt and find someone new :)

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What Guys Said 5

  • It seems to me that the relationship has run it's course.

    If you want/need marriage then you are obviously going to have to find someone who feels the same way BUT if you are alright with just having a sort of common law sort of marriage then I guess the status quo is fine

    If you're unhappy with the sex life you ahve and she has no desire to work on it and only gets angry when you even mention your dissatisfaction then I think it's clear what needs to happen

    She is fine with the current state of the relationship. You are no. She doesn't really seem willing or able to work on things you believe need working on...where does that leave you?

    It leaves you wanting and the person who you should be able to discuss this with (your significant other) is either unable or unwilling to talk/work with you. It sounds like the relationship has topped out

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  • Obviously she's not the one for you, and you are simply wasting your life in misery with her. I know moving on is scary, but you shouldn't be living this way. I was with someone like that for about 3 years, and regret staying with her that long so much. Not only were those years unhappy, but it messed me up a little after, because I was so groomed to expecting to be sexually rejected -within- a relationship.

    Don't date girls who don't want frequent sex with you. Like as often as you want it they're happy too, plus they are occasionally asking you for it as well.

    Plenty of girls are like that. Don't waste your life with one who isn't.

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  • If you're not having sex and she won't have sex with you, I would suggest finding a new girlfriend. This is only after you find the reason behind it, of course. Who knows? She could be insecure or any number of reasons. Her getting mad when you bring it up is a definite red flag, in my opinion.

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  • You sound miserable bro.

    This is YOUR life. If you aren't happy, tell her to hit the road and find someone that will make you happy.

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  • Why the hell are you with this girl?

    She sounds like she'd be a lousy friend, never mind life-partner.

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