Is it so wrong to tell my boyfriend this?

We've been discussing marriage rather lightly lately and he made a comment that I'd probably be 28 when we got married (I'm 2.5 years older than him) and I more or less told him that I would not get married if I were 28.

The reason being that I want to spend at least two years of marriage having it be just the two of us before kids and I am not having kids beyond the age of 30 because I don't want to be like my parents. My dad is 57 and my mom is going on 50. They still have 11 year olds. I want my kids out of the house by then. I want to enjoy my retirement. My dad won't be able to retire until he's in his 70's because they waited so long to have kids. If they had kids earlier, he could be retired now.

I know my boyfriend is younger than me, and he'd be 25 and out of law school if we married when I was 28, but I'll be out of school in 2.5 years, and my field has an almost 100% hire rate, so it's not like we wouldn't have any income without him. I'll have a starting salary of 45K, so not a lot, but certainly we wouldn't be totally dirt poor.

I also know that if we married when I was 25/26 (a way more acceptable age for me) he'd be 22, but both his sisters married when they were 22 and 23, so it's not totally unheard of, and lots of people marry while they're still in college.

He and I have been dating for seven years (since freshman year of HS) so it's not like we've been together for a year and we're already talking marriage. And he talks about it more than I do. I just know I don't want to be like my parents and be stuck with high schoolers while my friends are all out drinking and having fun.

All of my HS friends are married now anyway and they're all 19/20. I think that's too young, but 28 is certainly too old. Besides, he told me 3 years ago that we'd be engaged in 5 years. So that leaves 2. I'd be 23. I'm not spending all those years engaged just so he can finish school. His parents, and his sisters all were married while one or both of them were in school, and it didn't turn out bad for them.

So was it totally unreasonable to tell that to him if I explained my reasoning behind it?

Do you think my reasoning is illogical?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think your reasoning makes sense. I also think you SHOULD tell him exactly just that, no more no less, so he understands your expectations. You should make it clear to him that you find 28 years old too old to get married and why. He might not settle and agree to marrying you earlier but, at least, you'll know he won't make you wait longer than necessary because he doesn't know your position on the matter.

    Also, I'd say that a guy getting married at 22 is pretty young. Us gals might know what we want earlier in life, but I can tell you it's not the same with guys. My 23 years old brother has never had a girlfriend, and so do most of my bf's guy friends. My boyfriend is 23 and I know that he'd be petrified if I tried to talk marriage with him. I know he'll get there someday, in a few years, but his reaction makes me think that a 22 year old is very unlikely to feel ready to marry at such a young age. Of course, it would suck for you to get married later than you'd wish. But would it be fair for your boyfriend to marry you when he's not ready just because of your preference? Do you really want your boyfriend to have doubts about your future together because you're rushing things? And kids is another story. You seem to want to rush that as well. Both of these things could freak your guy out. So I'd say, stop comparing yourself to your HS friends and to your family, make him aware of what you'd like best as a future with him, and let him think about it and make his mind. Forcing things isn't healthy and sometimes, waiting the right moment makes the experience much more enjoyable.

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    • See, that's the thing,I don't even particularly want kids. I don't appreciate them really at all. He's the one who wants them. So IF I must have a kid, It's not happening past 30.

    • What about having kids when the time is right? Is seems like emotional blackmail. "If you don't marry me until xx years, I ain't getting pregnant past xx years". Just like having children is important to him, getting married is important to you. I think you BOTH need to compromise or else there'll be neither marriage nor a kid. Time to be mature about this whole thing and discuss it like adults, not HS kids.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Your reasoning is very logical. You're such a very understanding woman.

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  • What's more important to you...this guy or the age at which you get married?

    Ultimatums don't typically go over very well with guys, but if you feel that strongly about it, it's worth a try.

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What Girls Said 0

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