Guys, are you afraid of marriage?

The question itself is simple, but I will add my personal reasons for fearing the institution we refer to as "marriage".

First and foremost, I do NOT fear commitment, in fact I crave it. I want a life partner and I want the love and security of always having someone to come home to. In spite of that, the prospect of marriage terrifies me.

Marriage is, in the modern world, inherently misandrist. That is to say, it discriminates against men. How? The laws that govern marriage often swing in the woman's favor, particularly when it comes to ending a marriage. The law will, more often than not, grant a woman a significant portion of man's wealth and assets should a marriage be terminated almost arbitrarily. There is no stipulation that she should earn it. There is no stipulation that the divorce should be his fault. There are virtually no stipulations at all. A woman can, and in fact some do, marry a man for his money and divorce him to run off with it.

Children only add insult to injury, where a family court is much more likely to award custody to the mother, creating more weekend dads who are still obligated to pay child support, on top of whatever alimony the civil court has already slapped on the ex-husband's shoulders. That effectively means a woman can run off with your children and live with them like a queen on your dime. Not a very pleasing prospect. There is yet another disadvantage to having a penis in a marriage relationship. A woman can marry one man, have an affair with another and get pregnant, and then have her husband raise a child that isn't even his without his knowledge. In fact, even if a man does discover that the children he has been raising are in fact not his, and wants a divorce, he is STILL obligated to pay child support for children that are not even related to him by blood. This is true even if the "father" wishes to relinquish all of his parental and custodial rights. This phenomena actually happens so often that there is a name for it, paternity fraud. Never mind how hard a marriage can hit your wallet. The emotional and mental trauma that a woman can inflict upon a man via the marital system is absolutely atrocious, and to top it off the law will actually aid her in that endeavor.

So given all of this, my fellow males, ask yourself this question. Are you afraid of marriage?

Ladies, feel free to contribute as well, but keep the conversation civil. Uncivil responders will be banned.

  • Yes
    21% (13)33% (26)27% (39)Vote
  • No
    35% (22)51% (40)44% (62)Vote
  • Jury's still out
    44% (28)16% (13)29% (41)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm afraid of marriage, because I don't want to end up like my father, or my father's friends, the guys I see. That's not a fate I'm doomed for, and I plan to not marry.

    And curiously, many fellows are joining me. link Among men ages 30-50, 27% of men say they don't want to marry, compared to 8% of women. Given that we've had no serious wars wiping out massive amounts of men, and the gender ratio in the USA is close to 50/50, that turns into a ton of women who won't find mates. Basically, for every group of 100 men to 100 women ages 30-50:

    63 men are open to getting married, vs 92 women. Just looking at that--that means that, as marriage is usually a far higher priority for women compared to men--there's massive problems for women, both now, and if current rates hold up, it will be even worse for women in 10 more years.

    Even more curiously, the age of first marriage for men has kept climbing, and it's at what, 28, 29, now? As it moves up more, statistics suggest the amount of never married men who don't wish to marry will plummet.

    And worse problem for women is--the guys who are the least desired are usually the most willing to commit. Simple, right? The hot stud who can get a different hot woman every night at the bar doesn't want to be locked down, right? While the shy guy/nerds/losers are more desperate, much less cocky, much more willing to commit to a girl?

    That boils down that logically, with a statistically significant amount of adult men not wishing to marry, the majority of those men are probably the type women would MOST desire, taking the cream of the crop out of the marriage market.

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    • Oops, typ, paragraph 3#. I meant, as the age of first marriage moves up--that means more and more never-married guys will be in an age group where a significant amount of men don't wish to ever marry. Suggesting, more and more guys will NEVER get married.

What Girls Said 25

  • I find extremely hypocritical that pretty much every single girl comment has downvotes, if not more downvote than upvotes. It looks like nobody's even interested in getting to know the females' opinion on this.

    I'll say that no, I'm not afraid of marriage because my parents have been great role models for me. I've chosen a career that's male-dominated and if I were to marry my boyfriend, we'd make close to the same money because we chose the same career. Of course, if we end up deciding to have children later on, it will put a break to my career, thus resulting in a lower salary increase than my SO. That's something to take into account as a team when deciding to have children, NOT an excuse to throw at a girl's face when you divorce 15 years later and realize that wou've been making more money than her for a while. It's unfair not to consider that.

    How can you generalize that all females are money grubbers when some are making the effort to compete against stereotypically male-oriented careers? I sure am not counting on a man to provide for me financially. I am counting on a man to provide for me ROMANTICALLY and family-wise, and unless this guy is in for the long run, I ain't making babies with him, as simple as that.

    I think most guys that are afraid of marriage believe that they have no way to predict if the girl they're marrying is genuine and not a grubber of any sort. I think you CAN KNOW. You can tell, if you know that person well. So why assume that one's intuition for the person he/she wants to marry is worthless? I will take responsibility for my choice, if I accept a proposal. I expect men to do the same.

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    • Great points! I got 2 downvotes for my answer for no reason. I want a pre-nup, so what? So not being a money-grubber makes guys hate you too now?

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    • "In their prime" = ugh. You mean young and naive?

    • "Not if you don't make to be. It's a choice a couple makes together." If they're getting divorced, then they aren't really acting as a couple anymore. They're now two separate individuals clawing each others eyes out.

      "But when is everything fair for everybody?" This is a remarkably terrible argument. Where would women be today if feminist had just said, "But when is everything fair for everybody?" You think you'd be able to choose a career? Have an abortion? Get a divorce at all?

  • Lmao, "keep the conversation civil, LADIES!" Riiiight. Of course every woman is a rabid marriage-fiend who attacks any guy who doesn't want marriage, amirite?

    I want to get married with a pre-nup so that nobody gets screwed over in the case of divorce, but I believe in marriage for love only. If a guy doesn't want to marry me eventually, I would move on because he isn't for me. I don't want kids, but I want a life partner.

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    • Nice catch. Yeah, men can be uncivil about this too. I think that the QA is not afraid of marriage itself, but of divorce and financial loss, having to pay child support, and the possibility that the child might not be his. Is this an irrational fear? If everyone thought this way, who would marry? There are happily married people who have been married for 50 years, and I doubt they thought this way.

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    • I'd never heard of a prenuptial agreement before I joined girlsaskguys. I'm from a religious/traditional community, and I'd say the divorce rate of all the people I know in my life is like less than 1%.

    • With the money I'll be earning, I would have to worry about him ripping me off. I have no interest I'n taking some guy's money, even if he screws me over and turns out to be the scum of the earth. Never seeing him again would be present enough. But, you guys obviously understand my little woman-brain better and think I just want to suck some poor sap dry.

  • No

    I fear marrying the wrong man and I fear divorce

    My parents went through a nasty divorce and I NEVER want to put my children through that.

    And marrying the wrong person is just...my biggest fear. There's all kinds of wrong with that

    I want lifelong companionship and a lifelong lover and friend. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them and is as committed to our friendship and romantic relationship as I am.

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  • I'm not sure if you'll read this because there are already so many answers lol, but I agree that a change is needed in how the courts deal with divorce. As in the case with my parents, my mother left my father because she had some serious alcohol and mental problems. Obviously she wasn't fit to have custody of me and my siblings, but she was automatically granted custody anyway. A long three years of alcoholism and abuse later, my father was able to get custody of us. There's NO good reason why we had to go through that, and I feel awful for people who find themselves in that kind of situation. Though, I do have to agree with what another user pointed out about child support... it really isn't much compared to the total cost of caring for children.

    And to answer your question, yes, I am scared of marriage. Scared of marrying the wrong person, marrying a cheater, or a deadbeat... and scared of ending up like my parents.

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    • Sorry for your situation, but I am glad it gave the perspective to see the court system a little more impartially. Don't get me wrong, there are a zillion things in our society that are still inherently misogynistic that need to change. Marriage law just happens to be the exact opposite, and I think it ruins more marriages, and lives, than it helps, and puts a lot of both men and women off of the idea of marriage.

  • I can't wait to get married. It's a little intimidating since I refuse to divorce, and given the divorce rates these days, there's a lot of pressure to make sure we work out. I've asked my parents (married 28 years) for lots of marriage advice though, so I think I have a good idea of how to keep us both happy.

    Anyways, about your reasons for concern. It sucks that there are women out there who take advantage of those things and make all guys scared for their money. So here's the thing. If my husband wants to sign a prenup, that's fine (I refuse to divorce anyways, so it's not like it matters to me). If he wants to get a paternity test when we have kids, he totally can (although I'll be quite irritated with him).

    But yeah, he can take all the precautions he wants because I'm not worried. The ONLY cases that might result in me divorcing him would be 1) If he's beating me and/or our kids (which isn't very likely, considering how selective I am choosing guys), or 2) If he has an affair (which would result in me getting half the marital assets anyways, right? Is that how prenups work?). Either way, I don't believe that unhappiness on its own is reason enough to divorce. But that's just me.

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    • Seems like a pretty fair arrangement to me. What would you do if he did have an affair. Would divorce be an option then?

    • Yeah, divorce would be an option then. Of course, I'd try to work through it and save our marriage, but it's possible I'd feel too betrayed to ever trust him again.

  • I think you're just being sexist. Honestly men do it too. If you are afraid of marriage then don't marry and that's the end of it. If you go into a marriage thinking your spouse will do that to you then you'll just be insecure and eventually your marriage will fail. Marriage is suppose to be about two people loving each other and working together as a team. Obviously before you marry you're in a relationship with this person. Therefore you know whether they'll do that to you or not. You're not going to marry the first girl you see obviously. I'm afraid of marriage myself but not for these financial reasons. I'm afraid because now people look at marriage as a materialistic object. People marry then divorce like it's a joke. If I ever get married I'm making sure I am financially stable and can depend on my own self. Coming from a family that was raised by a single parent I learned not to depend on men at all. If you're afraid of marriage then don't marry, but make sure you find a girl that doesn't want to marry as well (which is going to be a challenging task). In addition, you're basically making men seem like they are the victims and can't fend for themselves and making women look like monsters. We're not, you as men should pay attention and choose a righteous women. As far as children go... I'm assuming they're in the family picture for a reason, either both parties wanted them or it was an accident.. Which is highly doubtful. You stated that a woman can marry a man and have an affair and become pregnant by that man and have the husband raise the child. I'm sorry but men who are married also have affairs lol. And maybe that's why women divorce them and have alimony, child support, and "paternity fraud" held against the father. I.e I give you Tiger Woods. Maybe reconsider your way of thinking when it comes to blaming women for all men's downfalls in marriage. There are women who are gold diggers and marry geriatric men just for their money, I'll give you that. But men like that don't care because they want to be accompanied by a beautiful face 24/7 why? I don't know. But not everyone is the same .. I know women say all men are the same but men say the same thing about women. Everyone is different so just be careful who you decide to marry.

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    • The laws are sexist, not me. It's not women who scare me. It's the law. Don't like it? Change the laws.

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    • Feminists did lol

    • But I'm not a feminist lol

  • That is why, anyone with a brain will marry women... not girls.

    You can see it from a mile off she's after money not love.



    And if she doesn't marry you for money, but wants it after divorced, its cause its the only way to properly hurt you after you broke her heart. Because guys are shallow about these things.

    Daughter of divorced parents... my dad bought a BMW sports car, dating a 25 year old, lives in Spain and still complains about child support. But I love him anyway, cause money means nothing to me. That's why I will marry a man and MAKE sure I am completely financially independent and not make the mistakes my mother made with leaving jobs to follow my dad on his career.

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    • So essentially what you're saying is, if a man breaks a woman's heart, she is entitled to take half of his assets. Really? How is that even remotely logical?

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    • exactly how do you tell "women" and "girls" apart?

    • No, I'm saying that men TEND to care more about money than being sad about the relationship ending. So women use that to hurt them. I never said its right or wrong, just what I've seen happen. Another thing is, women are mature (looking for the right things in the relationship) and girls are obviously shallow. If a "woman" gets annoyed that you got her a box of chocolates for Valentine's day instead of a diamond necklace, then you know you have a girl. In the most basic way of saying it :)

  • I'm very much afraid of getting married cause unlike you I am afraid of commitment. Not in a way I can't be faithful or can't be trusted but I don't think I'm mature enough to be with someone like that - living together, spending most time together, sharing...Anyway, point is that marriage is a piece of paper that doesn't need to necessarily exist if you live together and create a family than you're basically married already. And if you feel this is the right person to marry to than it probably turns from piece of paper to validation for your relationship. Maturity determines you being ready for marriage and commitment but being with the right person is something that has to come from your heart and if it doesn't there goes the divorce. Anyway, I've said many times that I'm not ready for this myself but it doesn't mean that if I meet the right person I would just turn my back on that. Sometimes it takes just that person to make you forget all of the above arguments you've and I've wrote...But yes, I sorta agree with you at the moment, thought, for different reasons and I voted A btw...

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  • Prenuptial agreements, custody battles, all the rest of the drama - its really just about two people fighting for love isn't it. They may have stopped loving each other, but they still love the things in their life that they shared and they're fighting to keep their lives in some kind of order. It's a bit selfish. But its unsurprising since modern marriage is built upon the legal foundations of ownership.

    Sharing your life with someone can seem daunting because it is a risk. But not being allowed to take that risk because of your gender? That's what I dislike about marriage the most.

    I would also like to get married one day; I'm prepared to accept the risk of a breakup. But I like both men and women. And where I live the law says that, as a woman, I'm only allowed to marry a man and only person at a time. I think that's incredibly unfair for women. While I have no desire to marry multiple men, I would like to have both a wife and a husband one day. What scares me more than anything is that I probably won't get that chance because of some archaic law. Then I question why it matters so much? To which the answer is - because 'civil' society says that marriage (with its high rate of messy divorce) is the best way to live.

    Perhaps we should just disband with marriage altogether.

    I mean it complicates breakups, it discriminates on who is/isn't allowed to love, and its conventions are becoming less relevant to modern society with each passing day. So instead of trying to legalise new types of marriage, or invent new ways of winning custody battles, maybe we should just get rid of marriage completely, and live life as it was meant to be - simple.

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  • I want to get married. Though it's too early to tell if my current boyfriend is the one (he's AMAZING, but we just haven't been dating long enough) I want marriage so that I can say that he's mine. I also want to take care of him. I want to help tidy the house in return for foot rubs and 24/7 on-demand pest control. I look forward to the domestic part of it. I don't want kids. I just want to marry the man that I love and want to spent the rest of my life with. I guess it's more for the romantic side of things. I just look forward to having someone to go to bed with every night and the stability of always having someone to come home to.

    As for money, I plan on getting a job as soon as I graduate. I'm a double major (not liberal arts) and plan on graduating with a near 4.0, so if I don't get a job that pays well enough to support myself, I'm going to be very upset with our economy. I wouldn't opt for a joint bank account, even if I was married, until our student debt was paid off. (Not a joint account where all the money went in, but we'd have one to pay off the bills and such that both of us would put money in. Once that was settled and we moved somewhere for the long haul, there'd be no reason not to put anything together and saving together.)

    I would also have no problem signing a prenup saying "in the event of a divorce, what's mine is mine and yours is yours and things belonging to both of us shall be split reasonably". Not the most romantic thing, but if I had to get a divorce I wouldn't want it to be messy. This isn't because you expect failure. People change. It happens. Having a prenup doesn't mean you don't want the marriage to last, it means that in the worst case senario, you're still prepared.

    Granted, I'm very young so maybe I'm being naive in some aspects of this, but I'm looking forward to getting married.

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  • I can't remember what it's called, but if you and the woman signs it, she can't take your money if you get divorced (and vice versa)...it's some kind of agreement.

    I'me working on two careers so if I get married and divorced (I'm kind of old fashioned, so I will try to avoid divorce at all costs) But I'll be making my own money, why would I take his?

    Men have it hard, because I know that there are some crazy gold diggers out there...

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    • Problem is, those can easily be thrown out of court. And it doesn't cover alimony payments.

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    • Prenups are not an end all. In fact, any decent lawyer can shred one if they're worth half the years they spend in law school. I'd still get one, but you can't rely on it save your skin or your assets.

    • Dang, guys really have it tough...the only thing I understand is child support, but other than that, I don't understand taking the guys money, I'm not a money grubber though

  • yes, yes oh and did I say YES.

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    • Care to elaborate?

    • never really thought about my dream wedding. So much planning and fuss over something that might not last. And no I'm not negative am a realist.

    • Nothing wrong with that

  • i dnt fear commitment , just the word marriage gives me creeps

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    • Any particular reason it creeps you out?

    • i guess the fear of being stuck and static creeps me out more than I think, you know

      the fear of being nothing more than just a mom and a maid. I mean dnt get me wrong I want all that , at some point in my life but right now I dnt even know if I'm maggiage material or not!?

  • I'm terrified of marriage. It's such a huge deal, and I'd rather never get married then be divorced. Commitment is hard for me, and I would spend the rest of my life with my current boyfriend, but marriage is a plunge I'm not sure I like.

    I also think its a tiny bit pointless, if you love someone and wanna stay with them forever anyway, why bother? I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love him. Or metal around my finger.

    My boyfriend is by no means afraid of marriage. I had to put a ban on him proposing to me yet, other wise he would have a while ago. He wants the big commitment, likes the idea of husband and wife, etc, I don't think the cost of divorce scares him because he's a tiny bit wrapped in cotton candy, in that he believes there's 0 chance of us divorcing.

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  • I can't speak for men, but I myself am afraid of marriage. Mostly divorce and marrying too early. Some marriages end horribly and end up in property battles. I can't really think of a reason to get married, for me personally. I don't ever want kids, nor do I want to "save myself for marriage", so I don't see why I would ever want it.

    If I were to ever get married, I would want to live with my partner for at least 10 years. Most of the happy-clappy phase goes away by then and you can critically examine the actual person you're with. Experience their best and worst side, then I'll start thinking about marriage. No sooner.

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  • I am still very cautious towards the word marriage. I have no plan to get married , it has never really occur to me that I should or would get married. Having a soul mate is good and I would love to but marriage make me think thrice..i am afraid to marry the wrong man

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  • yes am afraid of mairrage how about if I merry the wrong guy

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  • ya its comitment

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  • actually I am-but not for that reason I'm afraid that I will end up marrying the wrong guy-someone who becomes his true self after marriage-like an abuser for instance...you need to take your time in getting to know someone that you like and not rush into things..and I agree with you on that some women are in fact low enough to marry someone for their wealth and when they divorce they get a chunk--what losers...and the law isn't fair to guys too..but then again some guys just run off when they find out their girl is pregnant..but then again you 2 should be WAITING --this is a sin anyway...but the truth is there are too many single mothers out there..paying for their stupid mistake...

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  • No I'm not. There's actually very few things in this world that I am afraid of.

    So happy that most guys aren't afraid.

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  • Um... well I didn't read all that because your biased was making me mad, but I'll give you an example that you should take into consideration. My father, d*** that he is is married has two children and spends his time spending his money on his mistress that's half his age, without the family knowning. Said father divorces said mother to marry said mistress, but still has to pay child support. Said father doesn't even have to pay that much, but still manages to reduce that amount. Said father even tries often to not pay the mandatory 200$ a month, while living like a king with said mistress. Now here's a question I'd like you to answer, how can a mother with two kids live like a queen thanks to a measly 200$ a month?

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    • If you're unwilling to read it all, then why bother responding? There are exceptions to every rule, like your dad, but a successful man does not navigate through life expecting to be the exception. He plans for every scenario he can think of. Divorce is a pretty common scenario, and it's much more common for men to draw the short straw than their female counterparts.

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    • Wrong again, Confucius. A) If you do not read the entirety of the question, you are answering it without key information, which escalates your chances of making a fool of yourself exponentially. B) Her father is definitely one of the exceptions to the rule. Romanticism does not make the world go round. It also won't save your life. Practicality and prudence will.

    • just wanted to add the only reason my mother doesn't hire a lawyer to get the mandatory child support is because its too expensive.

  • No I am not afraid, I don't have this constant fear of being alone like most people... well I do sometimes but I am always working on that, with meditate and being emotionally stronger, I want to be solid on my own, everyday I take steps to do this, I've always been very independent, if my friends couldn't hang out I would go do something fun by myself ... and most times... I would have a better time;) I still love people but I do not get attached, I can't, that sh*t will eat you up... always keep your spirit/heart/mind and soul FREE:)

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  • I'm afraid of marrying the wrong man, afraid of divorce. I'm not afraid of marriage though.

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  • Many of your points are based around the financial side. You are assuming the male's career will have higher earning potential than the female's career. If you consider the idea that this is not true you'll get a more gender equal image of marriage. I think many men perform better in their career with the support of a wife and the need to provide for their families. It increases the drive for success. On the other hand a woman will not necessarily be able to advance her career to the extent she might have if she had not had kids. She will always need to be available at short notice to care for a sick child, she's not free to stay at the office all night in order to meet more pressing deadlines that come with higher positions etc. In this instance I would think it justified that the divorce splits the assets 50/50. If the woman still earns more after having kids then the man is benefiting.

    When it comes to child support, being responsible for raising kids continues to hinder a woman's career regardless of whether she is divorced or not. Having a man contribute a little to the cost is only fair. Even if he got custody it would be fair that the woman pays support to him. And yes custody is more likely to go to the woman. It's more likely that she can raise the kids better than he can. That's just how it is in most cases (not all). I don't think love is a must from father to child. I know many situations where the father struggles to appear to love his kids. It just didn't come naturally to all. I know my father has never bonded with me. If he had raised me alone I doubt I'd even be here today.

    The parental fraud is just wrong. I'm doubtful that's as black and white as you describe it. If it is then I'm shocked.

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    • In most states, if you don't challenge paternity in the first 12 months or so, you're on the hook for child support, potentially for life.

      However, it does tend to result in you losing physical custody.

      So basically, if you find out your wife lied to you and pretended a child was yours, the court's reaction is to ... require you to continue to pay forever.

    • Assuming a man's career is higher earning than a woman's career is something women assume as well. In fact, the more successful a woman is, the more likely she is to disregard potential partners who are not more successful than she is.

      Child support is just a load of crap, because the courts will biasly award a mother full custody regardless of the father's qualifications more often than not.

      Paternity fraud is pretty much as simple as I described it. Look it up yourself.

    • A man is also likely to disregard potential partners who are more successful than he is. Also, women are nurturers, are they not?

  • Going into marriage with the mindset that it will fail and you will get screwed over is not really a marriage.

    A marriage is a long term partnership with one other person in which you work together. My boyfriend does not fear marriage. He is actually very excited for it. He also does not believe in prenups. He says, and I quote, "Having one of those in play is basically telling your significant other that you believe your marriage is going to fail."

    If both parities go into the marriage fully and truly in love, and if both parties are mature enough to work together and function as husband and wife, there will be no need for prenups or mistrust. There would be no affairs, no divorces.

    You should not get married unless you believe the other person is in fact the one for you who will stand by you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and who will be completely faithful to you for the entire marriage until death do you part.

    The simple solution for men who fear a woman will take advantage of his money and his fathering skills is that those men should merely not get married and let those who are not afraid and are confident in their significant other and the solidarity of their relationship get married instead.

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    • What's the old saying, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst?" Considering all possibilities is just prudent planning. One does not have to go into a marriage expecting the worst in order to calculate the possibility and damages the worst outcome could bring. From what I can see, the risk vs. reward ratio for going into a marriage as a man is very dismal. It's not rocket science.

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    • Heaven forbid that two people genuinely love and care for each other. I was raised with the same values as were taught in my grandparent's generation: You give your all to your SO and you fix it if it's not working, not throw it away and get a new one.

    • You are so right, anonymous. Marry for love, not status/arm-candy/pressure, and these guys will be less likely to get screwed over.

What Guys Said 35

  • I'm not afraid of marriage. I'm afraid of divorce. I've had two family members go through terrible and ugly divorces, three friends who's parents have gone through it, and a few more friends who have gone through it. Seeing what I've seen, and what it does to people, it's a horrible thing to witness. An institution like marriage, made of love, honour, respect, and such apparent delirious happiness, getting twisted into hate, bitterness, anger, petiness, and malice.

    Not trying to insult any ladies out there, but in all divorces that I've had the misfortune to see, each time, the guys got cleaned out, and bankrupted. This seems to be a common thing with divorce. A guy goes through a divorce, he's screwed. Why? Why the hell does that have to happen? Like divorce isn't painful enough? Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure there are some cases out there where women got screwed on their side as well, but I don't hear about them nearly as often. Even so, why does anyone in a divorce need to absolutely fucking destroy the other financially?

    Furthermore considering so many people end up losing their shirt in a divorce (along with any number of things) why the hell is a prenup so offensive? To me it just makes sense. To me, it's an agreement that says "I promise that no matter how bad it gets, I won't be petty and vindictive, and here I'm putting it in writing, on a legally binding contract, so that I also CAN'T even if I wanted to." The agreement can go both ways. Since divorce rate is so high, and so many cases of divorce end in agony, and one person utterly destroying the other, isn't a prenup just common sense? It's like divorce insurance. Similar to how people get fire, theft, home, flood, or health insurance. We don't WANT it to happen, but if, god forbid, it does, there are preparations made.

    Anyway I digress.

    Marriage doesn't scare me. Divorce does. Divorce and all the many horrible things that can come with it. That's where all the misandry comes from. The petty bullshit in a divorce. I'm committed. I can deal with long term commitment. I embrace it. I love it. I want it. I'm all about it. I want a marriage. I'm just not keen on what tends to happen when a marriage ends.

    Sigh... OK girls, go ahead and downvote me to oblivion, now.

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    • While I can appreciate the distinction, divorce can not happen without marriage, so saying that you don't fear marriage but do fear divorce is just being pedantic. My problems are with divorce as well, but given that marriage must occur for a divorce is even possible, divorce must be considered a part of marriage.

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    • No, I talk like divorce is a part of marriage, and it is. Divorce only exists because marriage exists. So I consider fearing divorce fearing marriage, or part of it at least.

    • But divorce does not NEED to be. It is not ALWAYS a part of marriage, now is it?

  • I'm terrified of marriage but I'd still do it, even after reading your compelling argument. For me, it's the name, I want her to have my name and wear my ring. It's like leaving your mark, marking your territory. Your best bet is to find a girl who's already been divorced and see how she handled it. If she was civil and didn't take him for everything he had, she probably won't do it to you either. Or...you could just find the right girl and live happily ever after. People have been doing it for years. Not all women want your money and to take your kids away from you.

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    • Good for you. Marriage isn't out of the question for me, it just scares the hell out of me. Sadly, the only precautions a man can take appear on the surface as mistrust, namely prenuptial agreements and paternity tests. It just saddens me that a man has to be inherently mistrusting, or at least appear so, in order to get a fair shake from the marital system.

    • this is terrible logic, second marriages have a 70% divorce rate. Why do you feel the need to leave your mark or what ever on someone else? that's a good sign your not in any state to be married imo.

      No one gets married thinking things will get ugly, the good woman you married will be a seething hate machine who blames you for every problem she has in her life. This will be the person who decides if you ever see your kids again, if you live above poverty, or go to jail just cause.

    • This is a really good answer, and very logical. Marriage is like marking your territory, true. That's why marriage is a bigger commitment than a relationship.

  • I am not afraid of marriage. Although I must say that I am still young and am not even in a relationship at the moment.

    I think it does add something to a relationship. For example, I think it is great how the man proposes to the wife, promising to stay with her for the rest of his life. The thought behind it is just great.

    Now, I can agree with you that some laws are in favor of the woman. Yet, I think that most scenarios you mentioned are very specific and not very likely. I am not saying that they are impossible, but I think that your shouldn't worry about those situations. When you marry someone, you know your partner very very well and, if you are in a healthy relationship, you both trust each other. Even if it comes to divorce, I doubt that your hypothetical ex-wife would let you pay child support for her lover's kid. I do agree however, that it is rather change that this is how it is done. Yet, I personally do not worry. I know that the woman I would want to get married with would never do something so low. I know that there is a risk and that there is no certainty that it will not happen, but that is called trust. And trust makes every relationship better.

    However, I do not agree with the fact that marriage allows a woman to inflict more emotional damage to a man than in a normal relationship. There is no difference between living together with your partner or with your wife, apart from the fancy title and shared last name.

    Also, you should never marry someone who would give you mental and emotional trauma, nor should you be in a relationship with such a person.

    I do understand where your fear is coming from, but I think that some of that fear is irrational. In the end, it is up to you if you want to marry or not!

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  • Given the understanding that I have of marriage, I can't say that I'm afraid of it. Personally, I think a lot of people just have their priorities out of whack when it comes to marriage and family. I'm writing an article right now about the history of monogamy and marriage. I hope that might put some perspective on things.

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  • No. I do not fear commitment. I do not fear divorce, because I don't consider marriage with divorce on my mind. I'm able to be committed, and in the first place, find the right person, so divorce will never happen, especially since marriage is more important to me than that, and I will find someone with similar morals and values, someone who can communicate instead of not, which is sometimes what results in divorce.

    Divorce is not misandrist. It has nothing to do with me. Even if women do get more, that's because they have to take care of the kids more often. Men are more likely to not be able to take care of a kid. So it sounds like your problem is not with marriage, but divorce and the amount of money you and other men will lose.

    Children are not an insult. Of course dads have to pay child support. Are you saying they shouldn't? Dads are less likely to want to stick around. Without having to go through the burden of child-bearing, it's easier for divorced men to forget about their kids. The money is not for the woman. The money is for the kid(s).

    Why is there a disadvantage to having a male organ? In fact, because the man won't get burdened with child-bearing, in the space of a few months, he can cheat as much as he wants, because there will be no drawback (except for disease). A man can't get pregnant. So it's not right (as the only reason) to say that you're afraid of marriage, on the grounds that a possibly cheating wife could have a baby that's not yours. Are you speaking for men in general, or just yourself?

    No, I do not fear marriage, because I'm looking for someone who has similar values and ideals. I'm looking for someone who's willing to have sex only after marriage, someone who doesn't use makeup and lipstick, someone who's modest. I'm looking for someone who won't cheat, someone who believes in honesty and trust.

    Marriage depends on the ability to commit. I think that the people that have the hardest time committing are the people that have multiple relationships. I'm very committed. If I want to be with one person, then I'll be into that person for a long time. Even breaking up is almost not an option (depends though).

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    • Divorce is most obviously misandrist. If it wasn't, then the awarding, or lack thereof, of assets would be impartial. The husband takes what is his, the wife takes what is hers. What suddenly entitles her to his assets just because they once shared a marriage? Doesn't sound impartial to me.

      Child support is a secondary effect from awarding the woman child custody more often than not, again, without impartiality. Child support is not inherently bad, it's turns out that way after the fact.

    • I'm against divorce. If the people are truly good people, they wouldn't have to resort to divorce. They wouldn't let the relationship get to that stage. Before anything bad happened, they would know how to solve the problems. If divorce must happen, then custody should go to both parents. Both parents should have equal time, and then, if time is equal, then the money should be 50/50, adjusting for income differences. Men still earn more money than women, although it's slowly changing.

  • Yep. Marriage is EXTREMELY terrifying knowing that the law is totally on her side no matter what even if she unilaterally ends it. I imagine it would be scary to know that this woman holds your life in your hands, and can utterly destroy it at any time.

    Then, there's a divorce rate of 50%, meaning that it can happen to you regardless of how good a partner you choose. I've read horror stories of a previously sweet girl deliberately destroying her husband in divorce. There's a wise saying: "you never really know a woman until you meet her in court". If the marriage ever fails, you are pretty much at her mercy.

    Seriously, just look up "Bradley Amendment" on Wikipedia to get a taste of how truly twisted and sadistic and evil our divorce and child custody laws are. And men and their children are practically the only victims.

    link

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  • I fear marriage too. But don't think so much about fearing. Face your fears and be man enough to love. But be wise on who you love.

    Figure out what you are attracted to before you decide to love someone. Think really hard about what standards and what you look for in a woman. What exactly are you attracted to?

    Do you only think you love a woman because she has outside attractive beauty? Does she get along with her parents or family? How does she talk? Does she talk bad about people? Do her stories sound like lies? And make sure you are absolutely sure if you can get married like if you are financially able to be with someone. Also be sure to follow dreams that you planned in your lifetime before you get married so you won't regret it when you are tied down. Don't regret the lonliness you might feel right now just because they are marrying in there 20's. Just learn to be a solid mountain of confidence! And you don't have to listen to all this or what I am about to tell you, but I suggest just to not marry young. Wait!. Wait until you are absolutely sure. Some people marry out of fear, guilt or feeling left out. Do it all for the right reasons. Live your life. You only have one. And fears can blind you through time. Sometimes sadness and depression..It hits you and 10 years can go by but when it started, it feels just like yesterday.

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    • Being wise who you love is such a bitch, though. Everyone has a devil inside of them. I have my own, and people should be scared when it gets hold of me. Conversely, I'd be terrified if divorce brought out the devil in my hypothetical wife. She could use my assets to wipe her floors, even if she is a caring and loving person most of the time.

    • Every one has the devilish side. That's why cartoons draw a devil and an angel on each side f them. And people who with addictions mostly have let there devil grow bigger than there concience to be controlled.

      But we as people always have the power to conquer and to love. Start by practicing love on others platonically so you can love unconditionally.

      Love your mother and father, love your brother and sister. love your friend. Even love your dog. Andfirst&most of all learn to love yourself better

  • I don't have a problem with commitment, but no way am I signing that deadly contract with the government. Prenups are near pointless, too. Takes more time drawing one up than it does a good lawyer convincing the judge to tear it up. It's simply not worth the risk (& the forfeiting of some of my human rights).

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  • Getting married as a man is a TERRIBLE idea in our current social and legal culture. Unfortunatly most men out there really have no idea why, they think all is well more or less and will find out the hard way in the long run..

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  • No. I am not afraid...

    I am terrified of it!

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  • Good question and well asked.

    However, this is not an easy one to answer, mainly because except for the ritual of a man marrying a woman, marriage as an idea, as a concept, is not the same across cultures. If I say I am from India, you will instantly know what I'm getting at. Even today, marriages are arranged by the elders in India. In most cases, it's a marriage between two strangers. Yet, to us marriage is a lot of more than just a commitment. Why do you think we have a low rate of divorce?

    So, if you were to ask an Indian this question, you would get quite a mixed response. Most women (and I am not saying all) would tell you that they are scared by the prospect of getting married. Ask them why and they will tell you that once they marry there is no turning back or walking away no matter what. It's a lifetime contract. A divorced woman in India faces a lot of socio-economic challenges.

    But if you were to ask this question to an Indian man, he would tell you that he is not at all afraid to get married. Ours is still a largely male dominated society and men get to call the shots in almost every family matter. Men are not scared of their wives threatening to divorce them. They know that they won't even think about it. Once married is married for life. You might hear from someone that times have now changed in India and that divorce is no longer a taboo. But that's just a wishful thinking.

    Having said that, there is no need to feel that Indian marriages are miserable or that it's horrible to be married in India. We are still a much more happy society.

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  • What's not to fear, more than half of all marriages end in divorce, that isn't good for kids neither is seeing their parents hate each other long enough for the kids to move out so they can divorce. Half of the marriages that don't break up is because of kids. It doesn't work. it is a waste of time for anybody involved

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    • That's a completely fair argument. In spite of everything I've said, I do still want to get married. I'll just have to take every precaution possible in case things don't work out.

  • I voted B, I'm not afraid of marriage...just gotta get a prenup first to protect myself. :-P

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    • its a myth that a prenup will save you.

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    • That would be prudence for most people, but not all. If you're truly wise, perceptive, good at interpersonal communication, know how to resolve conflict, and able to find someone with similar morals, then you will have no problem finding someone and committing. When I get into a conflict, I don't seek to end the relationship (everyday relations with people), I end the problem.

    • Prudence is not subjective. It applies to all persons. A wise man knows that life is unpredictable, and that people, being a part of life, are also unpredictable. Good men are capable of terrible things. Bad men are capable of great things. Wisdom dictates that one prepare for all outcomes. What you speak of is not wisdom, it is a knee jerked reaction that is just as likely to get you killed as it is to save you.

  • Very.

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  • With the right person marriage is the ultimate expression of saying to that person I love you. Problem is that sometimes people think they found the right person and later find out that they were mistaken. So it is quite risky business because it can involve a lot of heart pain, a lot of money loss and a lot of stress. Basically it can mean your ruin.

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  • I'll keep this simple. I'm not afraid of marriage...if it's with the RIGHT woman.

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    • That's a big if, though. I would never enter into a marriage if I didn't think the woman I was marrying was the right woman, but there are far too many changes in life for me to assume anything about anyone, especially years down the road. A wise man considers and prepares for all possible outcomes.

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    • a wise man might think that...but I'm more reckless/impulsive than wise...trololulz.

    • Confucius is wrong again. A wise prepares and considers ALL possibilities. Fortune favors the prepared, that's a virtual fact. Reacting alone is not enough, in fact, it rarely is. Preparation can mean the difference between life and death. It might even save your life, Confucius.

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  • I'm not afraid of marriage despite my age. I fear of divorce!

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  • I did it once and will never do it again. I'm one of those people that was married for their money. While I adored my X, the X saw me only in terms of $$$. The divorce destroyed me financially, emotionally, psychologically, legally, spiritually and physically. I so wish I had a second chance. My life is now completely destroyed. I've learned so much since then, but it's too late for that knowledge to make any difference. The damage is done. Don't be naive like me.

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  • I'm not scared of getting married. But I am scared of getting married to the wrong person, so I won't be ready until I definitely know I have "the one".

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  • no I live in a great family and my parents live well off together

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  • Not afraid, there are lots of moving parts that need to come into play before making a decision to be married.

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  • I am not afraid because I do want to get married at some point in my life.

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  • no I afraid that never find anyone.

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  • Thinking it is not needed or sensible in anyway, does not equal scared I guess.

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  • In a way, yes, but we need someone to spend the rest of our lives with.

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  • I do, the laws in my home state of California are HORRIBLE to men. It is basically financial and emotional rape towards men in the event of divorce. I wouldn't get married here to the sweetest girl in the world. I might move overseas to do it, or at least a more balance state with better family law. I've been happy to have long-term good girlfriends, but women have all the power in marriage and it is dumb to marry a woman given the current circumstances. Guys that get married are largely suckers that believe women don't have flaws. I pity them.

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  • Yes, I would say this has a small part of it.

    But I'm concerned with more than just these "divorce issues;" the marriage issues are hard - even the little ones. I love being in a committed healthy relationship; but honestly, relationships, or the potential for it to turn horrible quickly seems daunting to deal with. Now add if you don't see many healthy marriages.

    I don't know girls my age. I don't understand them. It's not just the "nice little differences that make us unique" - it's just... I'm confused by girls. Many of them are intimidating.



    In some ways, it's like college; I told my parents (both well educated, and rather hardcore about the idea of everyone doing SOME kind of college) that from my current standpoint, and in this culture, I'd NEVER recommend college to my (hypothetical) child.

    From my standpoint, in some ways, it's like dealing with a harsh breakup or divorce... I went to college; worked hard, got good grades (once out of the hell that was high school), spent my time on "her" (school) and I liked what I was studying for the most part; Now that I'm out of college, I feel I have little to show for it; My skills have improved, sure, but it's unknown whether or not I would have improved just by working and studying without college (like focusing on being improving myself without being in a relationship).

    I have no steady income - no 9 - 5 job; I work three jobs, and am making a mere stipend. I'm beyond poor. If the parents die, I'm on the streets.

    So, you can work your butt off, sacrifice a social life, do your best, and it's still a huge gamble; just like what marriage seems like right now.

    You can THINK that a girl (or guy) is perfect for you... and then there's a sudden change (yep, it happens on both sides.) That's daunting. We hear or see or experience the horror stories.

    But we can all hope for the happy and successful marriage. Getting it, however, seems like "luck of the draw."

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  • I want to get married in the sense that a woman considers me the best man that could ever be in her life. I don't like it being a legal contract that can really screw up my life financially if something goes wrong. The breakup would be hard enough.

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  • He who eats too many prunes will sit on toilet for many moons.

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