I don't want to have a kid

So I am married for 3 years now, I am 26. My husband brought up the "kids" convo the other day... I just don't feel like having kids yet, nor I think I want them in the future. My husband was so upset when I told him I am just not ready yet that I couldn't tell him that I think I will never want one. (Before getting married we talked about kids and I felt fine about it). The thing is, I just don't see myself as a mother anymore. What I have now (husband and my own life) seems like enough for me. Should I tell my husband that I don't feel like having kids ever or at least for like 5 years more or should I wait till he starts talking about it again. I'm scared he might leave me because of it (not like this minute but after some years when he realizes he wants kids and a family and stuff). How long can I put off a conversation like this?

Thank You all for the answers. gave some good thoughts ;)


Most Helpful Guy

  • You need to think long and hard about what you really want in your life, and I don't mean in the next 5 years, I mean overall. You need to think about what the absolute most important things are to you, and what you most want to accomplish by the time you expire.

    You can still leave behind a legacy that makes the world a better place, such as charitable donations, business & community initiatives, tangible assets, and so forth. You'll just never be able to leave behind a living/breathing legacy that carries on the love and values you've taught them. Many people (and probably your husband) hold the latter in higher regard. Think about why they do that.

    If you still feel like you don't want to be a mother, realize you've broken a very significant promise (whether explicitly expressed or implied), and it could be a deal-breaker for him. Is it worth losing him?

    Another possibility is that you're just afraid of childbirth, or failing as a mother. If this is the case, I promise you he will be much more understanding of that than just saying you're not sure you want to be a mom. Talk to him about it and tell him where this feeling is stemming from. There are also numerous alternatives such as using a surrogate or adopting. Think about that too before you reach any major conclusions.


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What Guys Said 6

  • You could probably put it off 7 more years. You can even go maybe another 7 later, but shaving the edges of your older child-bearing age is unwise. If you were to discover midway that there were challenges getting pregnant, you'll want to leave enough time to overcome those challenges.

    Your marriage sounds like it could be more solid. If either of you could leave each other over a disagrement, than apparently "Till death do you part" is just a sham. Kids will pick up on that, and feel insecure that mom & dad could separate at any time, thus fueling your reasons to not have them even more.

    The conversation should probably take a turn aimed at focusing on your marriage and your values as people. You yourself may feel better about having kids when your current level of stability increases. Financially saving away wouldn't be a bad thing either.

  • If your position on kids is forever non-negotiable, tell him sooner rather than later. It's only fair. That way he'll not waste a chunk of his life waiting for something that will never happen.

    But consider this. Sometimes kids will not seem right for you until your friends begin having kids. It's at that time you'll likely start seeing yourself as a possible mom. The excitement of a new career is likely to fade and taking on the ultimate human responsibility of bearing and raising children becomes appealing.

    “The soul is healed by being with children.” Dostoyevsky

  • The purpose of marriage is to have kids and build a family, originally.

    It's better if you tell him straight away the truth, that you will never want kids, so you stop wasting his time and he can find someone who has the same desire as him.

    The number of people who want kids is diminishing. Your husband is luckily one of them.

    Let him be with a woman who wants kids like he does, so they can achieve their ultimate purpose as human beings. Create a whole family.

    Unless you plan on having kids later and you just don't feel ready (which is fine and understandable, you're only 26).

    But if you actually don't want kids, then stop wasting his time. Divorce.

  • That really was something you should have discussed before you got married. And I think he has the right to know. Listen, if he wants kids that badly, do you really want to be married to him? Let him find someone who will meet his needs now, rather than later.

  • Tell him now, me personally I need kids if you're not willing to give me any I'm leaving. You should be scared he's going to leave you I would. False pretenses are just no good in any relationship. I've even backed off committed relationships with women who say they don't want kids. I feel like I would be wasting my time.

  • "I'm scared he might leave me because of it"

    Damn straight he might! You could argue that you got married under false pretences.

    As far as he is concerned, you were up for kids when you got married. What changed?

    If you can't give a good answer to that, you can expect him to start thinking divorce.


What Girls Said 3

  • You really should have discussed kids before marriage. You probably would have saved both of you a lot of struggle. Especially since you don't want them. Kids are a big reason marriages happen. You find someone you want to have kids with so you get married. If he wants kids and you don't, that's going to be a point of contention in your relationship that may eventually erode it to nothing and end it in divorce.

    Should have told him this before saying your vows.

  • Honestly, this is the biggest relationship deal breaker there is. One of you is going to have to make the ULTIMATE compromise for the other if you stay together.

    Since you married him when you both wanted kids I think it would only be fair to tell him you're having second thoughts about it. He might leave you but wanting kids isn't something that will just go away and you need to give him time to be able to do that with someone else. It's better to do it sooner rather than later too.

    You're leading him on by thinking kids are in the future if they are not. You need to discuss this ASAP.

    • Thnx, I'll talk to him :)

  • You should tell him now, if he really wants children enough to leave you, then the longer you leave it the harder it will be for him. It's very selfish of you to wait just in case he leaves you, and if you really love him, you should want him happy, whether that's with you or not.

    For a 26 year old I expected a much more mature question than how to put off a serious problem, because that's the worst solution.

    He has a right to be happy, and I can't believe his wife is on here asking how to keep that from him. He has every right to get what he wants out of life just as you do, it's essentially like him trying to force you to have children, which you wouldn't be best pleased about you yourself.