I would like to adopt a child instead of having one, girls, how do you feel about this?

Instead of conceiving a child with my future wife, who ever that may be, I've always been in favor of adoption instead. I made up my mind just a few years ago that this was indefinitely what I would like to do, but I wonder how other women feel about this.

I know it would not be mine, or my wife's flesh and blood, but there are so many abandoned children out there. They need people's help, and somebody has to stand up and take the initiative to give them a family. I'd like to be that person some day.

So how do you girls feel about this? Will I struggle to find someone who agrees with me? Or is this something most of you are open to?

Updates:
Update: First I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has responded. Not only was there a good amount, but a lot of them were excellent quality responses. I have read and am grateful for all of them.


Second, I can see the desire for a woman to want to give birth, at least one time, and I think if I was a woman I may feel the same way. I wouldn't like the idea of robbing her from that experience either, if that was what she wanted. I would be willing to compromise if that were the case.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • As an adopted child I have to make a stand and say, really think it through thoroughly before. Adopted children are known to have more issues than biological even ones adopted from birth. They tend to lash out more, do drugs, get pregnant as teens, have depression, and have a hard time in school. Both me and another adopted kid I know moved out of our homes two years ago because of how miserable we were there. It's hard for some people and they feel like they made a mistake adopting the child and the child can sense that. I hated the fact I was adopted, especially because my birth parents are both very good people. I am at peace with it now but I'm very precarious regarding adoption.

    I think these children need homes, they need a loving family. But they need an UNCONDITIONALLY loving family regardless of how much trouble they give you. They owe you nothing for you taking them in. If you think you're a savior of some sort for doing so, don't adopt because you're not cut out for it. It's a hard road, sometimes it's pleasant and works out nicely, but many times its a lot of work and not very gratifying until the very end. That's my take on adoption.

    I also recommend not hiding it from your child. And letting them at least know their parents medical history. It comes in handy so much in life I can't even tell you.

    Be cautious and be ready for hardship. I think if you have a truly charitable character you would find it gratifying though

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    • i think what you are saying is truly important. I think especially the portion about not hiding the fact that they are adopted and letting them know their medical history. my fiance works in open adoptions which advocates for children having some relationship with their birth parent (if they want it). I think it addresses those two isses (not keeping an adoption a secret or keeping them from understanding their medical and general history)

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    • Great answer.

    • link @arashmenalagha

      @QA the biggest thing I resented was I was treated differently. Don't coddle your adopted child. Don't spoil them. Treat them like everyone else because if you do it causes issues. It's just a very messy and confusing thing.

What Girls Said 61

  • Being a woman, pregnancy is something I really want to experience someday and I really look forward to someday being able to feel my own baby growing inside of me. Believe it or not, but I actually really look forward to even giving birth someday as well. That's what us women were designed to do on a primal level and I believe I just naturally have a instinctive desire to want to go through the whole experience of motherhood from start to finish. Adopting is a noble idea and I wouldn't be against to it at all, but I still want to have my own child too and to go through the whole process. I'm a woman after all and my body was designed to carry a child. I want to take advantage of that. But I'd also still be the best mother possible to a child that has been adopted. I have a very strong desire to be a mother and whether it's for my own child or a child that has been adopted, it won't differ. But I'd just like to be given the opportunity to carry my own child too and to experience the joys of it. Even if it's one child.

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    • Wow. Thumbs up for a woman who *wants* to get pregnant and have a kid, instead of griping that childbirth is so awful women should get special credit for it, haha.

    • Awww :) You sound like you'd be a great mother. And you sound like my sister.

  • Okay, so I just saw this post, and I actually have a lot vested in this response. So here it is...

    I'm 44. My biological mother was 15 when she had me...this was at a time when pregnancies could be easily aborted... I was with a foster mother for a short time, then my parents adopted me... I was raised being told I was special, and destined to be with my family. My Mom and Dad have reminded me every year of my biological mother's birthday... It is a special day with us. My Mom and Dad have said that my biological mother loved me too much to let me go eternally. I also have a second birthday that my parents acknowledge every year... This is when they send something small that reminds me just how special I am to them...

    Have I ever felt not a part of the family? NEVER! Even my grandparents who couldn't accept me when I was adopted conceded to my place in the family... My Grandmother who sent (along with my Grandfather), a gift card after my adoption as opposed to something personal, requested I be a Paul bearer to both my Grandfather's funeral, as well as hers... I have never believed there was a family as loving and giving as mine!

    I'm the only girl in my family, and I'm extremely grateful for where I ended up! I LOVED my childhood experience!

    As a result, there is a very prominent need to procreate to produce a child of my own blood. I Do now have a son (my husband was not supportive of this, but had no problem having unprotected sex with me). I actually needed him, as a blood relation to me!. I know this is shallow, considering the fact my husband did not want a child...As a result, I have what I needed biologically, and am so happy that my parents treated me with such a special aura! I was truly blessed!

    I think you are amazing for wanting to adopt! You are such a special person! I want to always know you, if that is okay!

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  • If you date single women who can't conceive but really want to be mothers, you'd be like the holly grail for them.

    I haven't even considered whether or not I want kids of my own... so adopting is out of the question. If I am scared of being a crap mom with my own kids... then I definitely shouldn't adopt kids that aren't mine.

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  • I think you should think about adopting AND having at least one biological child. If you find a woman who is set on having her own kids, I couldn't see her having a problem with also adopting. Her needs have been fulfilled and yours too. It's a great compromise I think :-)

    But I don't think it'll be extremely difficult to find a woman who wants only to adopt the children. As long as it's discussed early in the relationship (before marriage or any other major commitments), I think plenty of women will be willing to hop the fence to your side of thinking. It's not a bad thing by far.

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    • The problem with this is both parents need to be totally commuted to providing a stable and unconditionally loving home. An adopted child has already gone through so much he/ she doesn't need to feel unwanted by one parent or only there as a compromise.

    • They may be adopting a new born. You're right though. Raising both kids will be something both parents have to be totally committed to either way..

    • Whoops I meant committed lol. But even newborn babies who were given up for adoption suffer more mental problems than biological kids. I think the worst scenario is when adoptive parents return the boy or girl back to an agency or foster care...

  • While I don't think I would ever want to have children (you can prevent certain disabilities from being passed down, but you can't prevent bad parenting), I would only adopt. I have way too many mental illnesses that run in my family, that I would never risk passing that on to somebody else (seriously, these genes were not made for reproducing). Not to mention, on top of helping with overpopulation, it just seems a bit silly to want to bring a child into this world when there are already so many perfectly fine ones in need of parents. And, I know the whole thing about the bond you share with your flesh and blood, or whatever, but I think the spiritual bond is a lot more important (and, try to tell me that child wouldn't be mine. If you care for it, it's yours). So, yes, definitely adoption would be something I would be open to (to be honest, would be the only way I would go). And, no, I don't think you would have a problem with finding somebody who agrees with you on this decision (to be frank, you might have a harder time trying to find somebody who wants a child with you).

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  • That's how I feel. I never want my own children. Child birth and pregnancy and that whole ordeal just doesn't sound all that great or worth it and I would like to avoid it. But having a kid sounds like a decent idea. And thus adoption.

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  • That's a nice perspective. :) I love the concept of adoption. I honestly dislike the idea of having to give birth anyway, and it seems so much better to find a child (or children) in need of a home already. A child is no less lovable just because s/he didn't come from my womb.

    I think it might be difficult to find a woman who doesn't want at least one biological child, though. They're out there, but they're a minority. Good luck finding one, though. :)

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  • I don't know, I'd love to adopt to help some of those kids out, at the same time I have this urge to have children one day, to go through pregnancy and giving birth, so I don't know, if I was very wealthy then I definitely would, but if not...I'm not sure I could choose adoption over giving birth myself.

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  • Maybe additionally to having my own child, but I'd def want my own first and then maybe see. I'd be up for adoption, but not only aoption. It's also easier legally that way. Assuming we're both fertile that is.

    It my sound selfish but adopting is actually quite a hassle. They have very strict rules and controls. Making a child is easy, so for my first and maybe second child I'd want the less pressure way

    To answer your question, no I wouldn't be with someone who 100% does not want "their own" children.

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    • @updaate, giving birth is actually not the pleasant part of it ,lol.

      And well I wouldn't be able to say for sure that I only want one biological child and then adopt later. So I'd still wouldn't want to be with you

  • I've always wanted children but I was thinking on it and maybe I should not give birth-there are already so many children in the world, I want to have a child and all I have to do is reach out my hand and I'll have one.

    So I would be OK if a guy said he wanted to adopt as our sole option to have children.

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  • I decided 13 years ago I wouldn't have children. I haven't changed my mind but I've seen 99%of women change their mind. To me it's irrational to think that because a child has your genes you will be closer to it. I couldn't have a child knowing there were so many starving kids out there. There is nothing greater than a child who knows you saved it, you didn't get accidentally lumped with it, you chose it. Realistically it's possible to find women who are OK with your decision but it is a deal beaker, no compromise possible so bring it up as soon as possible to be fair to them. I usually mention that I won't have kids within the first two dates, if its important to them that gives them the chance to get out before they've invested their feelings

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  • I think the law is that unless you are infertile, you have to have your own child before you can legally adopt somebody else's child. I would not have a problem with adopting a child instead of giving birth to my own.

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    • I seriously hope that's not the law

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    • It's not the law

    • There is no such law

  • I wouldn't care. Yes, I want to have children of my own; however, if my future husband wanted to adopt, I would try to compromise. I want to have at least one child of my own (because personally, I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant), but if my husband wanted to adopt, I would adopt at least one child. That way we are both happy and would have two wonderful children.

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  • Who cares what "we" think! Who's opinion matters is your future wife's!

    How would she feel about this?

    Personally, I think adopting is a great idea if you can provide a good future for that little being. But also, as a woman, I'd like to have my own kids aside from having adopted one if it ever happened.. because it's natural to want to reproduce something that you made, a little part of you.. However, if you marry a girl who cannot conceive, that would probably be your best match! or someone with already kids of her own, and you can adopt those kids?

    but really this should be discussed with the person who will potentially be your partner... nobody else's opinion really matters.. it's between you and her.

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  • I want to have my own kids. If I couldn't hve them then I would adopt. I've always thought about adopting an older kid, those are the ones that hve almost no chance of having a nice fair life.

    There's some women out there who want to adopt. My sister for example wants to adopt instead of bringing more kids to this world.

    If that's what you want I'm sure whoever you're meant for thinks the same. So don't settle.

    And congrats for knowing you could love another persons child. Parenting is not about blood bond and you hve that clear.

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  • I think it's great that you want to adopt. There are so many kids who need it, and really, I think there are a lot of women who would be completely open to adopting. I plan on trying to have my own children before I do anything, but if that could not happen for some reason, then I would definitely be interested in adopting.

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  • Yeah that is what I have been saying for as long as I can remember. I just feel like all these kids in the world that need homes I don't need to have more than one or two of my own...(mostly one)

    As many say I don't have a strong maternal drive to produce my own kids. Now id my husband really just wants one "of our own" then I would.

    I personally would love to adopt.

    I want kids kids that I can teach good morals and how to be accepting of any race and how to be understanding and kind.

    Also things I would and wouldn't do. I wouldn't adopt any child unless I was ready. They don't need an unstable household. I will also tell the kid that I adopted them but that doesn't make any difference they are still my baby.

    And no I do not think you will have a hard time finding someone like that.

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  • I'd be all for adoption but I'd also like to have at least one child of my own with my husband.

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  • This is my take on it.

    If I'm going to go through motherhood, it may as well be my own child. It's symbolic because it stands for my husband and mine's eternal love. We made a child. He/she is of our own flesh and blood. I wouldn't want to go through child raising with something I didn't even produce

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  • Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to get married and have my own biological children but now I don't think I would like to have my own children for the same reason as yours.I would love to adopt children too and its my dream now.Loving and accepting children who are not even your blood is a great thing. I am glad to know there are other people who think the same way I do

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  • I would like to have a child of my own with my future husband but I also thought about adopting yet I have never though of adopting instead of having a child. I want both :). I'm sure you and your future wife can talk about it, it all depends on how she sees things. However, I don't think that anyone should see adoption as a bad thing. Best of luck!

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  • I wouldn't be okay with adopting I don't think.

    As a concept I think it's good, and the more people like you out there the better, because God knows there are children in need. But personally family is so immensely important to me, and I just prefer the idea of having a child that is biologically mine and the bond that comes with that.

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  • There are many people out there who want the same as you. It's just a matter of finding someone who is compatiable with this decision. A lot of woman say they would want their own then there's some who don't want children at all so I'm pretty sure there's some in the middle who would rather adopt because heck there's woman out there who want the babies and no man hence artificial insemination (sp).. bottom line. .its your life your choice.. personally I wanted and and have my own child. A big part of children for women I think is the experience of pregnancy. But there's someone for everyone out there. Its just a matter of time.

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  • I feel like any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you! :) You're sweet, compassionate and have a true heart! Although having a biological child is something beautiful because he or she would be a part of you and a part of her in one, your idea of adoption is beautiful and I'm sure that any girl with a loving heart like yours would agree to this :) Have you thought of having both? You can always adopt some children and have one of your own maybe that would be sweet also ^^

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    • LOL I don't understand why all answers are down rated. Someone has issuueess...

    • I agree with you Rosesss! But I think someone has more than just issues. This is more like a psychological break from reality! Plus...this person needs to at least grow mentally into adulthood! :-)

  • It would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like I need to carry my children. I need to know their my boyfriend's and I flesh and blood. I know there are many abandoned children but it doesn't mean I should give up on having my own.

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    • You saying that makes me think that you're unfit to be a parent (adopting one or making a biological one.) It is a child and treating them as a second class is estranged.

      Sure it's your preference or whatever the fuck. I don't care to finish the rest of what I was about to say...

    • I never treated them as a second class. I see more the adoption as way to get children if me or my boyfriend can't have biological children. Saying I'm unfit to be a parents because I want biological children is cruel and you judge without knowing. Adopting is noble but what if the problem if I feel like having children that are half of me and half of my boyfriend seem magic?

    • My gosh leave this poor girl alone. It's not wrong to want to have your own children and go through that experience yourself. Seriously wow.. that comment was uncalled for.

  • I think it's a good idea! Like you said there are some many children who need love and support. Sometimes having someone's blood doesn't mean anything. I'm totally open to it.

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  • Only adopt? No, that wouldn't be OK with me.

    I want biological children. I would feel incomplete if I didn't carry at least one child.

    I am open to adopting, particularly teenagers. There's a lot of teens who will never find a family or home. I would adopt 1-3 teenagers.

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  • I have thought of this many times, I have one child at the moment and not sure that I want any more at the moment though

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  • I think adoption is a great thing to do:) I would like to adopt some day especially if I have trouble having a baby.

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  • Like you, I'd rather adopt because there are a lot if kids that deserve a family too that don't have one. I was adopted so I think I'd be good at looking after an adopted child

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What Guys Said 11

  • i've often felt similar to you. I just felt like sure I could bring another privileged child into the world or I could really help those who are born into the world that essentially have the scarlett letter on them.

    I sure I still would like to have biological children but I understand and want the same in terms of adopting

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  • My parents adopted a little girl from China, now she's getting to the teenage stage and I'm tighter friends with her than two of my other siblings. Adoption's great.

    Couple things to note: it's probably best to adopt as close as possible to your own race. Such as, my cousin has adopted black kids, and there's some issues. Black/white relations are a huge issue in this country, kids learn about it in school, everywhere, and it hasn't helped my cousin.

    Oh, and if you adopt and have kids of your own, make sure that you privately tell the biological kid that no matter what, you never ever make jabs at the other sibling being adopted. Ever. Ever.

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  • I think the concept of adoption should get more attention than it is receiving. And to those people that would rather "have their own" I think are unfit to be parents of any human child. Because the idea of wanting one child over another because it is not from your eggs is despicable and thinking of adopted children as second class is included in that category.

    Children all diverse love just like your own and if you can't understand this you shouldn't be a parent to anyone.

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  • Why? Is it because you don't wanna deal with the baby stages? I think it's a good thing for people whom can't have kids but why would you give the opportunity to another person in another country before your own? Are you a rich guy? Sorry for all the question but I think there's enough people from other countries that get all the benifits of America and not enough American that get them. I think it's a good gesture but if you can have you own I believe this would be better

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  • There are definitely girls that will fit your philosophy; some because of the high risk of pregnancy genetically or medically, some because they want to not birth another child into an over-populated world.

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  • What age children would you be planning to adopt?

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  • You may have to reconsider, there are no children to adopt unless you accept disabilities or HIV. Apparently the countries where there's lots of children who would greatly benefit from being adopted think that accepting aid in that form makes them look weak.

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    • Yeah. After a few cases like a US family having gotten tired of their new toy, tried to return it to the shop by putting it on a plane back, alone.

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    • "The way others look at you"

    • I guess that's a bit ambiguous. I didn't mean it that way, so there's that.

  • good man!

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  • If you can have children then have your own.

    If you can't then adopt

    Or simply multitask and be like Brangelina

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  • But having your own is more fun! ;) :P

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  • I know you wanted girls answers ...but man, I'm willing to bet a gazillion dollars that you'll struggle to find a girl that agrees with you

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    • I agree. The desire for a biological child is very strong for people.

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    • Equally amazing, when I stated how the answers varies, then it started to slowly drift towards the bs that the girls are giving her ...just reinforcing that girls sadly sometimes give bs answers

    • I understand your concern, but I'm proud to say that all of my answers are truthful to a fault (with regards to my opinion)...there is nothing I have ever submitted which can be later determined as a lie or BS...what you see is what you get with me... I will never just tell a person what they want to hear.

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