Is my husband being selfish or am I?

My husband and I have only been married for about 8 months. He's 26 and I'm 22. We are both at jobs that we really can't stand, are basically living paycheck to paycheck, and are working on starting our own businesses. He's also trying to pay off some of his debt from credit cards and I have to start paying back my student loans. Our schedules sometimes conflict with each other and our jobs always take a lot of our energy. Even though we are kind struggling right now, I think that I am still able to balance everything like out my social life, having quality time with my husband, and our sex life. But it seems like whenever we don't have sex over at least 3 times a week he throws a temper tantrum and claims that I'm selfish and makes it seem like I need to be in the mood for him whenever and however he wants it. We have had this conversation numerous times and I am really starting to get sick and tired of it. I work try and keep the house clean and cook for him when I'm not too tired. This argument always happens when I'm either too tired and not in the mood or when our schedules for the week didn't exactly line up so we would have time for it. He always makes it seem like it is my fault that we don't have sex enough and that I should try and get myself in the mood for him even though I still try and make sure that we have sex multiple times a week. Not only does he tell me I need to balance everything better but he always asks me if I still love him and find him attractive if I don't give him sex after a couple days. Its ridiculous. After a long day at work I want to come home to a husband that is going to comfort me not one who complains that we only "have sex on my terms" and I need to learn to balance everything better. I love him to death I really do, other than these occasional arguments he treats me well, constantly tells me he loves me he helps around the house and would do just about anything for me. But I don't know how much longer I can take having these arguments about the same thing. Am I being selfish or is he?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Mens egos are so sensitive, especially when it comes to sex. The only options you have are to explain this to him - about how you just get tired and want to come home to him comforting you rather than arguing that you're not "putting out". If you fear he just won't understand then I'd suggest never denying him sex if and when he feels like it (even if your not in the mood). You're not being selfish, he's just being a big baby. Although, that's how men are when it comes to sex and their ego. At least you still love your husband and are sexually attracted to him... try having sex with someone you're not (its the worst!). I read an article once written by a sex therapist regarding a couple who was having a similar problem and they suggested thinking of sex as a gift to your partner. You offer them sex as a reward. Regardless of your husbands insecurity surrounding the reasons why he thinks you don't wanna have sex, the next time he does, give him "the gift" of sex whether you want to or not. You may not feel like it. Although, believe you would still consider your husband worthy of receiving that gift, right? And how long can it possibly take, really (6 min? If you really wanted it to, lol) You may be tired but at least your giving your husband the gift he deserves and you won't have to listen to him complain about it anymore. ;) You married him (for better or for worse) so suck it up (no pun intended) and give the guy what he wants when he wants it or be willing to listen to him bitch about it otherwise.

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What Guys Said 4

  • So you need to be "in the mood" to feel attracted to him,but he always feels attracted to you.

    Every day that you're not in the mood and reject hime,you are telling him that you're not attracted to him and you don't want to please him.You don't even want him to please you.Tell him that often enough (like on most days),and he will work out that he's not wanted or appreciated.

    If you're tired from doing the housework,ask him to do more of it.He won't find you unattractive when he's tired,so let him do more or lose him.

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  • You need to appreciate (well all women do) what rejecting a guy for sex does to him. It is emotionally damaging to guys.

    That being said, then you need to have a frank discussion on how you not having to do all the house work will help you not be so tired and more in the mood. How about every day he cleans up the house he gets an extra orgasm from you a week.

    And likely the reason you don't have sex is because you say 'no'...so if we're assessing fault, is he turning you down?

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  • Let me guess, you got married before you two figured out how sexually compatible you were with one another? He's unfulfilled now which may lead to him cheating or he may just grow to resent you, which will lead to a divorce in a few years.

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  • You both are selfish. Perhaps you may find it helpful to have a schedule. I've read that busy couples should plan sex nights with each to fulfill each other needs, among other things. The article suggested that couples should try to refrain from or limit household duties on the day of to focus on each other. Ask for a compromise. He will help you with cooking and chores more so that you aren't as phlegmatic and exhausted. Thus, you in turn will try to satisfy his high libido.

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    • ive tried that he says he wants it to be spontaneous and not planned

    • Then, yes, he alone is selfish and difficult. If you work, cook, maintain the home, and have as many strenuous issues as he has, he should be far more understanding

What Girls Said 3

  • he is definitely being selfish! I understand where you are coming from, as with my ex, I never wanted it because I was way too tired. He seems like a jerk honestly. He needs to understand you are tired! and exhausted! I mean, 2x a week is pretty good if you're tired. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I would just try to talk to him again and tell him it is pushing you away. If he thinks this is a problem, then tell him to go marry someone else..haha my boyfriend says that ALLLLL of his friends that are married, never get sex for months at a time. Tell him he is lucky :)

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  • I understand how you feel but sometimes you have to realize its a give and take, I think you both are kinda being selfish. Maybe you should find out what his expectations are and let him know which of those you can commit to. As far as being too tired because of household chores have left overs and leave the dishes for the morning to conserve energy for romance. Which is more important a delicious dinner and clean kitchen or a happy marriage?

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    • the thing is that even when I'm not in the mood I still have sex with him. its not like I only want to have sex when I'm in the mood you know?

  • Only 8 months? The first year is the hardest when it comes to marriage. Look, it seems like you didn't discuss expectations of sex before you went and got hitched. And even if you waited for marriage (I'm assuming you did because couples who have sex before marriage tend not to have such sex related issues) you can still know their expectations. I'm waiting for marriage but my boyfriend and I have at least discussed what we think we'd like in terms of frequency - which is better than never addressing it.

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