Should I end my marriage?

I am in a real quandary over my relationship at the moment, and wonder whether I should fight for it, or just walk away?

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 7 years, and have 2 children together. The problem is that I feel she has changed so much in the last few years, that I'm unsure as to how I feel about her now.

Since June, I have been a househusband, and for this I understand that there would be an expectation to do the housework, etc. but I have ended up doing literally everything. I prepare my eldest for school, prepare my wifes lunch, take my wife to the railway station, take our eldest to school, do the housework at home whilst looking after our youngest son, pick up our eldest, prepare dinner for us all, bath the kids and put them to bed, and then clean up from dinner. At the weekends, she sleeps in until midday, when I usually wake her up with breakfast in bed. All of her spare time is focused on her friends, either through Facebook, Whatsapp or social engagements. I just feel like there is no time for me, and certainly no appreciation for what I do.

Also, our sex life has become very routine, in that it is always in bed at night, and always follows the same pattern of kissing and touching for a few minutes before she undresses quickly and either pulls me on top or gets on top of me, for a few minutes of intercourse. She won't let me go down on her, won't let me touch or kiss her breasts, and moves back to missionary or girl on top if I try to change position.

We had a big argument about 6 months ago where all of this came out, and I have commented on her 'Friend/Phone time' quite often, but nothing has changed.

Should I continue the fight, or is it time to walk away?

Updates:
I appreciate all of the comments on here, and agree that I need to step up and make more of an effort to communicate and try to improve the relationship. I have been less than open with her about the way all of this has made me feel, so she has no reason to think I would consider leaving. I think I just go through things in my own mind and believe that to be how everything is or will be, so resign myself to keep plodding along without change.
There are too many great points to pick out each individually, but I will definitely be taking these on board and working to save my marriage. Thank you!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I really don't think you have reason to leave this marriage.. This sounds like something many couples go through.. Like a phase where everything is overwhelming and you feel unnoticed. Think about one day when your children are grown and you have more time. Maybe right now the schedule is too much for you. Maybe you should talk to your wife about you finding a hobby or a part time job and then she will feel more responsible for picking up some slack. Even as a stay at home parent I believe that the other parent should share house work.. I mean, why do you need to make her lunches? Why wake her with breakfast in bed.. How about she wakes up midday on the weekend and you're out for a jog.. why are you waiting around to serve her? Do you have a separate social circle? If not, then make one. Find some support groups for stay at home parents. If there are none that you can physically join in your area then search online. Trust me you are NOT the only man who is going through something like this. And just like a lot of other commenters said.. There are a lot of housewives that feel the same exact way. I have been a full time nanny for the last 7 years and let me tell you... I wouldn't do this if I didn't get the cash on Fridays or have my other nanny friends that I can vent to.

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What Girls Said 9

  • Marriage isn't easy. If it were the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

    I understand how frustrated you are and it sounds like a really tough situation. But it's not impossible. Things may have changed but look back to your wedding day, what brought the two of you there in the first place? There was something there. And that hasn't gone away, it's just been buried.

    As for leaving- you have two kids. Do you really want to do that to them? It's not just about you anymore, you have a family, you need to think of your children.

    And the problems you're listing aren't unsolvable. They just seem that way because you two never figured out how to communicate about this kind of stuff without arguing. I would suggest going to a couples therapist. They can help a lot.

    And don't give me that "We can work it out, we don't need that, blah blah blah" Every one needs someone to talk to. Sometimes it's a professional who knows what to say to help you both communicate. It's really difficult to communicate, especially when you're put on the defensive, when you feel like someone is insulting you. And when someone you love says they don't like something you're doing it can be very hard not to take it personally.

    Having that neutral third party who can translate and moderate the discussion is a huge help. So go to couples therapy. If she won't go then go yourself and figure out how you can talk to your wife and what you can say. Tell her that you're not happy like you were when you first got married, let her know that you try your best but you can't communicate with her any more. Don't pull an ultimatum, that's not okay, but let her know that you're trying to fix this and the only way you see that happening is by getting a professional's help.

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  • Marriage can be hard. All the work you do as a house husband sounds exactly what a house wife would do, so if this is the role you've chosen this is part of the package. It's not easy work. Saying that though your wife definitely needs to show you more affection and appreciation. Can you write out a plan, specifically what you want. For example. I want to have quality time once a week, say like a date night with just you two only. No phones ect. If this is not possible with kids, you could try once a fortnight or month and ask for couple time only once or twice a week. Even if it's just watching a movie on the couch why the kids are in bed. You also need to have a quiet moment (maybe hire a babysitter) and talk about what you feel and what you want to make you feel more appreciated. I would suggest writing this all down first by yourself so you can work through your emotions, this way by the time you sit down and talk with her it won't turn into a yelling match. But you also have to be willing to be open minded and listen to her side of the story.

    On the sex side, if she has a very stressful job and is exhausted she might not have the energy for passionate sex but that is still something she needs to work on. Also doing it at home on use same bed could also cause her 'to not get in the mood' or maybe there is something she wants but she hasn't told you, so she thinks 'fine well just do it his way' she might for some reason think this is what you prefer, even though you don't.

    I think with children involved you should both work towards better communication or maybe even counseling (you could go by yourself first to see if it helps and then both go). Divorced can be really tough on children so I honestly think it should always be a last option.

    There's an exercise I was told once and it's really good. Sometimes we can get a bit indulged in our unfairness and forget about our partners. Get a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle. Write her name on one sided and your name on the other. For one or two weeks write down if she says something that upsets or makes you feel bad (can also be actions). Then in your section write down how you react to her words/how you respond(include bot actions and words). Then a day after you've finished, when you can get some quiet time rip her side off and sit down and reflect on your side of the paper. Now see if the way you react could be nicer or different than you have. With out her words/actions to stir up an emotional response you can look at it from a more logical way.

    Obviously there are many exercises you can do to figure your relationship out.

    Sorry for the long post, but try not to make a rash desicion based on emotion in regards to your marriage. Hope it helps a little.

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  • Lets say I am young, I am wise for my age though and I always have dreamed of getting married. Sometimes it does scare me because I want my marriage to work. I know marriage is hard because it requires two persons, who care for each other, are willing to compromise, and communicate. COMMUNICATION plays a key role in one's relationship. Growing up I lived without a father, just my mom and I. Trust me a divorce doesn't hurt your wife or yourself, just your children. Your children should be your motivation, to fight to save your marriage. I think you should be romantic, understand your wife because we as women stress out easily and a million thoughts surpass our mind daily. Being the one who works, she must feel a great burden on her shoulders. Good job on taking charge at home, I applaud you for that and keep it going- don't get frustrated at all. I feel like you should communicate your thoughts- use I feel don't accuse and act like a victim. Ask her everyday how her day is going, offer to massage her before you go to bed. When you make her lunch, put romantic notes "I LOVE YOU" etc. If you start asking her how she feels she will appreciate it. DONT GIVE UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE OR CHEAT! Please

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    • AND YEAH... I agree. ^

      Don't cheat! Get out of it first. Be the brave one here, dude. Show other dudes out there how it's done. Show 'em how to be a fricking MAN.

    • i agree creepclaws but I don't agree with splitting, working things out helps-you'll see. If your a bit religious. Pray for your wife. I have heard a lot of testimonies about the power of prayer.

  • I agree with the rest of people- looks like that you are experiencing what normal housewives would feel. If most of them can simply "walk away" from all the housework and take no credit for it then I believe there will be no families left.

    Since you are the person who is taking of everything in the house, I'm sure you can do something out of ordinary easily, make a romanic dinner, buy her a surprised gift, or do something nice for her for a change. I'm sure she is just tired from work and didn't want to deal with this situation, like most men would do if they are in her shoes. If you start putting efforts in to make things better then she will start noticing something is changing.

    Don't just talk about it. Do something about it. Do something to change your situation. If she knows your enough, she will turn around. If you fail, at least you've tried. Show your the love ones that you care for them and love them no matter what.

    Walking away is not a solution here.

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  • You know what? I'm sure most housewives feel the same way as you do. They don't get all the credit for what they do and often the husband don't understand, almost consider that because she has no work to do, she has to do every single things and he's the one who bring money home.

    This time, it's the other way around.

    I honestly think you could save your marriage. Try to talk to her and the solution could be for you to find a paid job. She could not say a thing.

    Somehow, when both persons work, they go though the same thing.

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  • stick it out. what does she do for a living? she probably is just stressed from her job. Like many people say, marriage isn't easy but it's worth it

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  • Hahaa! Oh man! This is why I'm never getting married.

    But seriously, I had a 2.5 year relationship that went south and we started trying to shake things up. Enough of that crap. That's one of the reasons I ended it (among other things). I guess when you have to try harder it's over.

    Do what's in your heart. Try things differently. Take the lead. Hold her accountable. Don't take no for an answer.

    If that doesn't work, then yeah! End it.

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  • Had a similar situation, but my husband did much less than you have said you do. That IS a lot however that is what a housewife does. Guys sometimes feel resentment having to do the "womens work"

    Neither of you should be miserable, and yes there are struggles but you need to know the love is still there on both sides. If it is lost, it is gone forever imo. Talk, find out where the problem lies. Resentment, lack of love, etc. In my situation I was the same way, I would rather communicate with friends than my husband. My husband and I split up. There was no love left on my end and I beiieve lack of respect on his end.

    Don't stay for the kids, to me that is never a good idea. Should you TRY for the kids absolutely. But they can also sense al that tension.

    Please find out where the problem lies first thing and go from there. Good luck

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  • I don't think you should leave your marriage over this. I think the majority of couples go through times like this. I would tell her how you feel, and focus on making her feel loved first, and she will repay the favor. Maybe try being more dominant with her in the bedroom. Spontaneous sex does wonders for a relationship, trust me.

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What Guys Said 6

  • Well, this sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

    It sounds like she has left the domestic side of things to you - that is fine if she is working. Or to put it another way: both partners should - ideally - put in equal time doing whatever is necessary to keep the wheels turning. Earning money, doing the chores, taking care of the kids, fixing meals, etc.

    I say "ideally" because it often doesn't work out this way, sometimes remains unbalanced for years, especially if one person is going through something in their life.

    Sex life often falls into a routine. You aren't alone there. That doesn't mean it isn't a problem to be solved. But it sounds to me like there are other more serious issues, and those should be focused on first.

    Reading your question I'm mostly concerned about the time spent focused on others, rather than each other.

    It sounds like a lot of things changed sometime in the recent past - the last 6 to 18 months.

    Think on that, and see if you can identify what triggered these changes. Was there the loss of a job? Did she get a new job? Did someone close to her pass away?

    You may not be able to identify what changed. Heck, she may not be able to identify what changed.

    I'm picking up on possibly two things. One, your sex life changed, and based on your description that change involved her becoming much more "private." She has also been sleeping a lot more than normal?

    Second, you describe a sharp increase in sleeping, as well as engaging in "escapist" type activities while awake: getting absorbed in Facebook, or games, that sort of thing...

    Both of these *can* be signs of depression.

    If you are saying that sex has changed at the same time as these other things have occurred, it is possible that she was sexually assaulted, and this has led to post traumatic stress disorder.

    NOW UNDERSTAND VERY CLEARLY!:

    I'm just using some reasoning skills here based on what you wrote in your question. I don't have anywhere NEAR enough information to conclude this.

    I'm just saying it is possible. It would explain the change in behavior.

    A new job, even a new job she loves, or a change at work, could also explain the changes. This could lead to her being much more tired and stressed than normal.

    My advice: wait another 2 to 5 years before deciding to leave the marriage.

    She could be going through a phase, and snap out of it after a while.

    In the meantime, continue to try to talk to her. You might suggest couples counseling.

    Even if the only thing going on here is that she's on a 2 year long "lazy and selfish" streak, we don't make these partnerships lightly, they are valuable to us, and we should give them considerable time before throwing in the towel. I mean, what's 5 years of this compared to 50 years of marriage?

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  • I'm sure there are a ton of housewives who feel the same way as you.

    A therapist route is likely the way to go, explain to her that her behavior is jeopardizing the marriage, and you would like her to help fix it.

    Being completely honest, it sounds like she's lost respect for you. You need to find ways to communicate without arguing.

    Try to be a bit more dominant with her in the bedroom.

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  • you don't get married to stay happy. you get married to raise a healthy family. I'm willing to bet that if you were getting better sex all the other complaints would vanish or at least diminish. don't blow up your family. you should try to study some game, it will help out alot. believe it or not your wife wants to be dominated by you. try picking her up and throwing her on the bed, don't ask permission to touch her, she's your wife! another big thing would be to make sure you get time to go to the gym. start working out! It reallys sounds like your being a little b$tch. all women hate wussy men. if you change your routine, then you will see a change in your wife but it starts with you. you need to take control man.

    one other thing. if your the househusband, its your job to run the house. you need to take the attitude of this is my house. so to conclude, get in shape and start being more unpredictible. she will test you at first but stand your ground and BOTH of you will be a lot happier.

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  • Maybe seek medical help with or with out her. No one on this site is gonna be able to tell you to stay or leave.

    You cannot have an argument in regards to the issues you have .. that is not communicating and only leads to both of you becoming angry ... TALK it out with her and see if she is willing to go with you and talk with someone

    Best of luck

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  • She no longer has a healthy level of respect for you. This is the challenge that couples face when men take on women's roles. I know I will get hate for saying that but we do nobody any favors when we deny the psychology of it. It sounds nice on paper but the reality of it is not so pretty.

    That said, I think you owe it to all involved to not give up at this point...not yet. I agree with others who have suggested marriage counseling. And you owe it to yourself AND your wife to demand respect and appreciation from her. Only you can determine how best to accomplish that. I know what I would do, but that won't necessarily work for you and your wife. Whatever you decide, you must demand her respect or neither of you will ever be happy.

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  • Time to walk. She isn't interested in making this work for you.

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    • It takes 2 to tango. he's considering divorce, so clearly he isn't interested in making it work

    • He has been pushed to it by an intransigent cow.

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