Why would a happily married man have a six year affair?

This is a subject I don't understand.

Why would a happily married man have a six year affair then tell the mistress all about his perfect family life and how he loves and cares for his wife and they get on incredibly well.

They post pictures of them together as a couple, celebrating all special occasions and as a family on Facebook but when asked he says he has to make her and their families believe he is in love.

They take wonderful family holidays together and even go away a couple of weekends a year just the two of them.

When he talks about his wife I truly believe he's in love with her and he's just forgotten but when asked that he should stop the affair to work on his marriage he says he doesn't want to work on his marriage?

His relationship with his mistress confuses me too they have done a lot together - trips to Wimbledon centre court, St Andrews, Safari Park, Spa Days, Alton Towers he even bought her an eternity ring at Christmas and drove 400mile round trip to pick her up for a dinner/dance because all the trains had been cancelled! He says he loves his mistress.

Why would a seemingly very happily married man do all this? Why not stop the affair and just continue in his happy life?

The mind boggles to be honest!


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Most Helpful Girl

  • They want to eat their cake and have it too. They want to keep a wife by making her think that they're in a happy and monogamous relationship, while at the same time have a mistress (preferably younger) to prove to themselves that they're still desired sexually by others. Yes, it's very much an ego thing. A lot of cheaters also cheat because they love the thrill it gives them. They enjoy lying and going behind other people's backs. They like the power they get when they manage to fool others into believing that everything is perfect and normal. Hence, all the Facebook posts and pictures. The things he posts on Facebook simply enhances the thrill. He is successfully fooling everyone in his friends list, and not only his family and his wife. It's definitely a thrill.
    Also, from what I've noticed, people who cheat aren't really all that happy. It might seem like it, but in reality they're just fooling you there too. They often feel like something is missing, which in turn makes them want to fill that hole with whatever they can find. Mistresses, expensive vacations/gifts, "acts of love" etc. That's why he keeps doing it. He's not happy, he's not content, and this is his shitty way of dealing with it.

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    • Also, anyone who claims that "men aren't meant to be faithful" is just as shitty for making it seem like cheating is acceptable. If men aren't meant to be faithful, then they should stop fooling themselves and everyone else and simply not get into a serious and committed relationship.

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    • I was speaking about cheaters in general. Figuring out what the want isn't exactly complicated.
      As for my last comment, I'm not speaking for men about their desires. I simply stated that any man who feels like he can't stay faithful shouldn't get himself into a monogamous relationship, since that obviously isn't what he's "programmed for" in the first place.

    • what they want*

What Guys Said 8

  • I'm not going to talk about how bad a person he is here - I'm just going to try to explain my opinion on "how."

    Humans are not monogamous in the way that Swans are in the animal kingdom. Swans mate for life. No divorce. No dating other swans. They pick one, and that's it. That's monogamy.

    So we humans are only sorta monogamous to start out with.

    Men it is thought are less monogamous than women.

    Can a man be in love with more than one woman? Yes. I think sometimes some women can love more than one man, too.

    When Men and women are not monogamous, it isn't because they really love one person but not the other. They truly have feelings for both partners.

    Writing this, I think the real question is more: why aren't we less monogamous than we are?

    I think people don't cheat more than they do out of social pressure. Life, especially at home, would get to be pretty miserable pretty fast (if you want to think about us compared to animals again, non-monogamous relationships get pretty messy in the animal kingdom too).

    I think we also don't cheat out of compassion for our partners. I know if I cheat and my wife finds out, she will feel a lot of pain. I love and care about her, and I don't want that to happen.

    I don't want that to happen more than I want to cheat.

    Finally, carrying on more than one serious relationship takes a hell of a lot of energy. Far more than I can ever imagine myself being willing to put in.

    Why would a happily married man do all this? Clearly, it makes him happy.

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  • If they've been going to holidays together and posting themselves as a couple on FB, it's obviously not to do with only him & his mistress, it's also got something to do with his wife. w/o finding out if she's aware (unlikely she's not) and how this works between them, it will be unwise to try and deduce what this is all about. There can be so many angles & possibilities.

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    • Hi, thanks for commenting. Can I ask - what do you mean by this? 'they've been going to holidays together and posting themselves as a couple on FB, it's obviously not to do with only him & his mistress. Its also got something to do with his wife'

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    • I don't think he is candid about it - he is very good at covering his tracks i. e says he's away with work etc.

    • But FB? FB is by no means light years near hiding tracks

  • I personally don't believe that the marriage was/is truly a happy one.

    Beyond that, I wouldn't try too hard to understand. From what I've seen cheaters usually just try and rationalize their pathetic behaviors with excuses anyway...

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  • Unfortunately, and as much as you or any other girl doesn't like it, as skippertod1 said we are meant to have as many partners as possible because thats the way nature intended. It increases the gene pool and is the mark of a successful species. This is at odds with the western value of marriage and "one woman for life". Im not condoning cheating, im telling you why he is likely to be doing this - and why guys often do. We didn't get to 7 billion people on the earth by sleeping with one partner.

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  • for guys sex and love are not necessarily exclusive, it's an evolutionary thing

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  • Men are meant to be unfaithful, thier goal is too get as much pussy as they can, i think married men rarely leave thier marridge for thier mistress, think of the cost of child support and vagimony

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  • Appearing to be happy and actually being fulfilled are not necessarily the same thing. Do you know how the sex was with his wife? Women tend to judge whether a man "should be" happy based on what makes women happy, but men and women are different.

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What Girls Said 11

  • He does love his wife and his family. He also loves having a woman on the side.

    It isn't that complicated. Many men live double lives. It isn't the NORM, but many men do enjoy having multiple women that are monogamous to him, while he sleeps with other women.

    Most of the time the wife knows, and doesn't want to leave either. Obviously the mistress doesn't mind either.

    IF it works for all of them, and everyone is happy, and no one wants to leave, who are we to judge?

    Also, its possible to be in love with more than one person. That doesn't mean that you treat the people you love well, it just means that you have deep affections for more than one person.

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  • hhahahaaa is this my sister? lol sorry haha

    my sister has had this same issue. I am not sure to be honest. Maybe he is afraid to leave his wife... more comfort there.. maybe you were just something to have fun with.. or he has serious issues that he needs a therapist.

    seriously though, my sister is in a 6year affair. with a guy who has one kid and is married. If you did this, you did this to yourself. It is your fault you ALLOWED him to use you.

    I am sorry to be so harsh, but it is true...

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  • I can think of 2 things:

    - he is a liar
    - he might be happy with his wife, although not sexually. Maybe his wife lacks sex drive and maybe even knows about his mistress? It's rare, but there are married couples who are like that.

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  • he's a selfish jerk. he doesn't care about how his actions affect these women, he pretends that he can make them both happy by deceiving them, being disloyal, and living a lie. he is 100% wrong and I hope it blows up in his face.

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  • He can maintain this illusion while his wife still doesn't have a clue or is being cleverly fooled by him as long as he can.

    if he's got money and has a high sex drive, I guess they think its their right to fool around

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  • It's an ego boost, probably. Since he has a lover he can remind himself he's still got it, and since he's married he can prove to himself what a successful family man he is. My guess only.

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  • It's probably a rush he can't get anywhere else and a big desire for him

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    • Just wondering if you know him personally and know that the wife doesn't know about it? It reminds me of a poly relationship

  • He might be happy emotionally is probably what he meant.

    Or he's a jerk. One or the other.

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  • He just wants two women. Just as long as the women don't know about each other.

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  • did this happen to you or someone you know?

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  • Greed.
    They want more. They're not satisfied with what they have, even if they do think they're happy, they're clearly not.
    Cheaters are such scum, really. I have no patience for that kind of selfishness.

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