To stay or not to stay? Help!?

My boyfriend and I will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary 04/02/2014. He's 25 years old and works in the Air Force. I'm a 24 college graduate. We moved in together to a nearby state 20 months after dating. I left my friends and independence to move in with him for the hopes of rekindling our relationship since we had been apart early-on due to deployment.
Beginning months of us cohabiting was rough. A few months had passed things got better and finally now one year into living together we are great bond and love each other's company. Only downfall is as an individual I am not really satisfied with what has become of my career plans and goals since moving to this new city. Jobs in my field are far and few between in this city. And because of this I have really been stressing the thought of leaving to pursue my goals or having my boyfriend propose to me so then I could plan my life accordingly as a military spouse. I'm just having a difficult time coping with being a live-in "rent-a-pretend wife" who has delayed career plans for a boyfriend not spouse. I would feel much more secure being married because so I'd know that my sacrifices were not in vein and I wouldn't have to worry about he can break-up with me at a drop of a dime scenario like bf/gf couples could.
Our lease is ending in May and depending on whether he pops the question soon will be a huge factor on whether I stay or leave. by the way , if he doesn't propose I'd remain his girlfriend but most likely from afar as my career plans would have me located cross-country. I just would no longer shack up with him because I don't want him to get use to the idea of us shacking up. And to back up my theory is his desires to want to have children with me ASAP. I've told him no ring, no babies. I did not grow up in a two-parent home but it's something I've always wanted for my future children no exceptions. I feel uneasy that he's willing to shack up with me, reproduce with me, but hasn't proposed to me. :-/


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Erm, your idea of marriage is a bit skewed, to be honest.

    What makes you think you'll be secure after getting a ring on your finger? How does a few signed papers and some jewelry make your bond stronger? A ceremony doesn't strengthen bonds, a paper doesn't enhance feelings. The idea that if he were to propose, you can relax and feel secure is delusional. Married men and women cheat ALL THE TIME. The only difference is that married women in USA get a nice financial boost in case of a divorce, so it just seems like you're looking out for your own gain, rather than care about the love aspect of your relationship.

    Wanting a father figure to always be there is not unreasonable, but the thought that a married man can't leave you like a boyfriend can is absurd.

    Marriage gives a deluded sense of security, not actual security. You will feel secure, if both your feelings for each other are honest and true.

    It's also a bad idea to put your career plans on a gamble of whether he'll propose or not. You should pursue your dreams, because you want to, not based on whether you have a ring on your finger or not. How many people have thrown away their dreams for the sake of being with someone, only to become jaded because the relationship didn't last and "their best years" are now gone.

    With or without a ring there is no sure guarantee that yours will last.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Have you discussed marriage? What are his general thoughts on it? Has he indicated he will propose? I think it's reasonable to set a deadline that if he doesn't propose you move on with your life.

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    • We talked today. I asked whether he sees me in his future? He said sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I asked whether the thought of marrying me ever came in mind? He said yes. Then I told him my reasoning for wanting to live separately. He told me that I should do me. He said he's not ready to make that commitment next week nor in a few months. He said that takes time and that he would need to be sure. He said 3 years isn't enough time to make those type of moves. And he said if I think 3 years is enough time then I should just do what I need to do. I told him 3 years should be enough time to know whether you want that person in your life. And he didn't comment. Soooooo he pretty much just gave me a choice to leave or wait on his watch. And quite honestly I'm thinking I should leave because he's not even the slightest bit concerned about me leaving. And his tone of voice sounded like 'if you're not with it then hit the road!' Well I guess that solves it.

    • Guess so. Sorry.

  • Military should be easy, they get a pay raise - they get to live off base, etc.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Have you talked to him about how you feel?

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    • We talked today. I asked whether he sees me in his future? He said sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I asked whether the thought of marrying me ever came in mind? He said yes. Then I told him my reasoning for wanting to live separately. He told me that I should do me. He said he's not ready to make that commitment next week nor in a few months. He said that takes time and that he would need to be sure. He said 3 years isn't enough time to make those type of moves. And he said if I think 3 years is enough time then I should just do what I need to do. I told him 3 years should be enough time to know whether you want that person in your life. And he didn't comment. Soooooo he pretty much just gave me a choice to leave or wait on his watch. And quite honestly I'm thinking I should leave because he's not even the slightest bit concerned about me leaving. And his tone of voice sounded like 'if you're not with it then hit the road!' Well I guess that solves it.

    • I am very sorry to hear that I have been in your shoes. He doesn't love you he never has and he thinks nothing of moving you. It is painful but I'd pack up and go.

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