Is he really confused.. or does he know exactly what he wants?

[polkaroo123]

My ex dumped me about a month ago. There are a lot of details and I am well aware I did a lot of stupid things to try and win him back.. I guess I am just looking for any opinions on what is going on in his mind and if I can win him back.

So the details:

we dated for almost 2 years and had been living together for 8 months. He is 26 and I am 24. He was living at home until we moved in together and I had roommates. We are both done school and have real jobs, money was not an issue for either of us. He was a great boyfriend to me..he would always think of me and did anything to please me, as did I for him. We share many mutual friends who cannot believe he would ever break up with me! He has only had one serious relationship before me which was back in high school and they ended it mutually. Since then he has not told a girl he loves them and the longest relationship he had was about 5 months which ended because he did not love her. Then with me.. he told me he loved me after 4 months..he gave me a promise ring to let me know he wasn't going anywhere. He initiated moving in together. All of a sudden after 8 months of living together he tells me he does not think he loves me anymore and that he can't see this working out (up until this point we had discussed marriage.. buying a house together.. and it wasn't always me bringing these conversations up). He already had another place to live and moved out the next day! I was completely blind sided. His own friends and family didn't even know he had planned this. His best friend told him he is making a huge mistake.. but he said this is something he has to do to get away from it all to know if he is making a mistake. Of course everything I have done has only justified his decision because I am so hurt and confused that I tried to talk to him and push him. We have had some break through conversations where he admitted he was selfish and very wrong to do this and that maybe in time he would want to try. He wants to know we can make changes first .. before he is ready to even start dating again..if at all. He said he doesn't know if that is something he will want. His friends tell me he has relationship issues and they all assumed I was the "one" given the fact he moved in with me. After bombarding him with emails and texts he sent me an email saying he is considering cutting me out of his life because he doesn't think I can give him space..but then he said he finds himself wanting to give me the chance to prove that I can give him space. What the heck does this all mean.. If I give him space will he come back? He joined an online dating site.. but his profile says he is looking for friendship. He knows I know about it.. and then he went and put pictures on it. Is he testing me to see if I will freak out and pressure him over this? .. Why even bother keeping me around when he knows he is hurting me. All his friends tell me he is confused.

I really just do not get this.

[hisangel]

Ok here are some facts:

1) It takes human beings 2 years to get to the point where they officially love another person to make the decision to stay or leave. I know that seems impossible but its actually been proven. So what happens is we make all sorts of grand gestures of love and say we can't leave without each other and things like that but not until around that mark do we truly have a connection embedded into our mind to make the decisions. So while moving in after a few months seems great, that doesn't mean his mind is agreeing with his heart.

2) Men HATE being pushed into relationships. You pushing him into a relationship is like him pushing you into sex. For a guy, it's like emotional rape practically. He wants to give his heart over when he feels comfortable doing it. And the big things that make him feel comfortable is 1) That he will be treated with respect and love. 2) That she isn't going to leave him. Once he feels comfortable with those two, a commitment is easier.

3) A man saying he wants "friendship" on a dating site means "I don't want to have someone else push me into a relationship so I'm saying I am taking it so slow I won't even call a girl a girlfriend right now." But I assure you he is looking for another woman.

OK this is going to hurt so, so bad but here it is. Women have this problem where we believe that everything that goes wrong in a relationship is the man's fault. We think we are the experts at relationships because we have so many of them. But that isn't true. Women are just as much to blame for the problems as the men are. When he said he was willing to "work on the relationship" what he meant was "he is willing to see if you treat him better". I hate to break it to you but he thinks you treat him bad. I know we can go into commit fears and he is willing to take the blame for not committing but what's happening is he is not liking how he is being treated and he is pulling away to give you the time to treat him better. His heart says your great, his friends say, his family says, his head is saying he wants to be treated better.

I have seen this happen so, so many times with friends. When a guy says he is "confused" he is saying that he has an attachment to you and doesn't want to leave you but does not like how he is being treated and isn't willing to commit to a woman who is going to treat him that way. So he is pulling away, looking at other options on the dating site.

So the good news is, he really does have an attachment that makes him not willing to cut off all contact. The bad news is, if you don't take a good, long look into your behavior toward him, he isn't going to come back. I don't mean be a doormat. But I guarantee you, if you take the time to look at your part in the relationship and not his, you will find some things that need to change.

I know this goes against everything we are taught as women but, sweetheart, I have seen it so many times I know how it goes.

[polkaroo123]

Thanks for the advise.. what if I have already admitted to him that I have many faults of my own and that I am very sorry if I ever pushed him or hurt him.. and he let me know some things that bothered him.. like negativity and being clingy.. and I agreed with him that I was.. and told him its something I know I need to work on.. now how do I prove to him that I am serious.. I can't talk to him about it anymore because it pushed him away..so I have been backing of and not bringing it up.

[hisangel]

I would continue with not bringing it up. The commentor "Tamikaze" is right, men want to feel like they have made good decisions on their own, not pushed into anything. Right now he has society, his family, his friends, you and everyone else saying he is a fool for doing what he did. Whatever his logic is for doing it, he thinks it was valid. He doesn't want to feel like a child forced to do something. By giving him time, it will really give him the diginity he really needs right now.

[lckylady]

First of all I can really relate to what you are going! I myself just was blind sided by the man I thought I was going to marry. We still talk a few times a week and its been a little over a month and he still hasn't moved all of his stuff out of my house. Everyone involved knows that he isn't going to be able to find someone better than me. His mom is devastated and his friends all think he's an idiot. But right now he needs time to figure out who he is and what is really important to him. Give your guy his space. Let him realize on his own in his own time what is most important to him. I know this is scary and yes he may decide that you aren't what's most important but it is better to figure all this out now than to get married and find it out later. "If you love someone set them free if they come back to you it was meant to be." I know it is easier said than done trust me but whatever is going on with him he needs the time to sort that out for himself. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. As far as the dating website he is probably trying to see what your reaction is and he may go on dates, he may meet a nice girl but maybe this is something he needs to reassure him that you are the one. You said he hasn't had that many relationships so maybe he feels like if it settles down right now he is going to miss something. It is much harder for men to make the commitment to spend their life with someone because they feel as though they are giving up their freedom. You have to show him that you are fine with giving him space your world doesn't revolve around him! You world is just better with him in it. You need to just keep your mind busy and go out with friends and maybe go on a few dates yourself. I wouldn't call him or text him but once a week just to see how he is and that's it. Don't bring up your relationship. He will begin to miss you. I can see it in my exes eyes every time I see him but he still needs time to figure out what it is he wants in life. Everything does happen for a reason and it may not seem like it now but you will be happy again. Whether it is with him or not. Their are plenty of fish in the see and if he doesn't realize what a catch you are then some other guy will just be waiting to swoop in and snag you. I hope this helped I know its long but I understand what you are going through.

[Tamikaze]

The reality is that you cannot win him back. I know that you love him, that this is an awful situation and you are in pain. But break-ups hurt, they do not kill, and you need to give yourself space from him to start healing so that you can gain a better perspective on what happened.

As you can see, the more you try and push him, even with his friends supporting you and thinking he is making a mistake, it isn't helping the situation. The more we push at someone and try to convince them they are wrong, the more people will dig their heels in and stand firm with their decision. Sorry to say, but he isn't wrong and he isn't making a mistake. That is condescending to tell a grown man that they don't know what they are doing. He knows what he is doing and it is obviously working for him or he would be back with you. And all of this does not mean you are not a great girl, that you were not a great match for him, but in the end he has made a choice and his decision should be respected even if it hurts and you don't want this.

Last year my boyfriend of 3 years did the same thing. He acted like he wanted to talk about possibly splitting up when in reality he already had a place lined up and moved out before I knew what happened. I was devastated. He has trouble connecting with people any deeper than being casual acquaintances. Short of going into all the details, he has issues and he has voiced that I may be the best thing that he will ever have experienced for a friend and partner. Regardless, the reality is he made a choice, he is a man, and my version of what would be best for him doesn't matter. The break-up was still very painful and difficult for me but I got through it and now I can look back and respect his ability to choose what he needed even if it was not what I wanted.

[originalmountaindew]

Looking back, did you see your boyfriend-of-3-year's behavior coming? If so, what were these signs/behaviors?

[Tamikaze]

No, I did not see this coming on. I don't even consider it a behavior. Stability is an illusion when the reality is that most people are constantly changing and re-evaluating what they want their lives to be. In retrospect, my ex was experimenting with lifestyle changes with me and he eventually tired of it and wanted to live differently. It happens.

[nice_guy7]

there could be a whole slew of reasons sweetie. likely when he moved out all of a sudden and said he needed time alone he probably really did. my guess is he didn't realize that certain things were a problem until he lived with you for a while. that sort of experience can be a real eye opener and can also bring out the worst in people. we often get very suffocated by living in close quarters with someone. as long as your relationship was, it still isn;t really long enough to be sure about living together. you need to back off besides telling him that you like him enough to give him space and work towards making changes in your life to make things better.

you also need to consider that he may have been quite honest and really just unexpectedly fell out of love with you. people always think there is some grand reason for it, something they did. sometimes it just happens, nothing you can do. give him what he needs for now ( a month at least I would say) and then after a while ask him what the situation is and say you need a straight answer. from that you will know what to do. if he isn't interested in continuing the relationship then you have to let go and move on. sorry it didn;t work out for you if that is the case.

[sumina7]

Clearly he has problems showing his emotion and being close. He probably does not have close female relatives (like a sister or cousin) or female friends. He probably expects you to behave like a guy.

Wanting to have space means he feels like being on his own. But in a true and successful relationship, both partners should rely on each other emotionally. May be you have to learn to behave in a way that would enable guys to rely on you emotionally.

But, clearly, there a compatibility issue. Normally, it works out well when the strengths and weaknesses are complementary. SO you need to think about what kind of personality you have and what kind of guy would be compatible.

[polkaroo123]

That's the thing.. he never had a problem showing me emotion.. he has even cried in front of me a few times..once when I went away for a few weeks... he cried at the airport.. and even when he broke up with me he cried. He was pretty good about telling me what was on his mind.. even if he had a rough day we could talk about it and I'd cheer him up.. and he would the same for me. I want to believe he got scared and ran..but who knows

[sumina7]

Then it sounds completely crazy that he would just blind side you like this. Does not make any sense.

[Kamio]

Hmm...I think he's friends are right. I think he's confused. I think he moved out to get some space...it sounds like he needs some time away from your relationship, time to think about if you and your relationship is really what he wants. You NEED to give him space, I don't mean cut off communication with him, just don't pressure him into anything, if I was you I wouldn't bring up this dating site thing. I think he did it to see how you would react.

That last thing you said about him saying he wanted to give you the chance to prove that you can give him space...means he wants space(yes I already said that) and wants you to show him that you CAN give him space when he needs it.

I do sympathis with you, it really does sound like this is hurting you, so if you want to stick with him, then give him some space, maybe take up dancing classes...or start a new hobby...something to do during your spare time...while you wait for him to come out this funk.

[polkaroo123]

We see each other every sunday night (we play on a volleyball team together with friends) ..After a few weeks of no pressure.. just having fun.. would it be wrong to invite him out to do something together? First I need to prove I can give space.. I get that. But if he is still unsure after that.. is it a good idea to try and get him out and doing something fun together.. show him we are the same people who can laugh around each other?

[Kamio]

Give him a few weeks but yes, I think that's a great idea, but don't make it anything other than a casual thing. So, it's not a date or a get together with any sort of romantic thing. Sure if he starts heading it down that alley then go with it...but I think he's got to be the one to start it up again.

[stktder]

I am sorry, but I can already see your problem. You are way crowding his space for a serious relationship to happen. You want it so much, you are starving. Can't you see that you are running him off? I would suggest that you back off and enjoy your time away. I would not date if I were you, because he might take it you are completely writing him off. What will suck for you is he might date and it will drive you crazy. I know it is not fair but I want you to remember this old saying, Men are the hunters and women are the prey. OK, so give it a try. You be the prey and start being a bit hard to get. His little head might start doing all the thinking for him and you will get him back if you play your cards just right. Remember, don't be too easy and don't be too hard to get. I am sure he is going to want some from you again and you must take advantage of it. Don't tell him all your inner feelings either. Guys get sick of hearing all that crap when women get close.

[polkaroo123]

You make good points... any advice on how to do this.. its so hard to just keep in my feelings and act cool.. also if we never speak to each other.. do I just wait it out for him to contact me?

[Subotai]

Well you don't have to feel bad. Its not your fault he broke up with you and you can be angry about it. But you can't and shouldn't force him to change his mind. The constant emails and phone calls will only give him more reason in his mind for why he broke up with you. They won't help. If you are still having conversations I would say I am only going to ask you one more time. Are you willing to to try to put this relationship back together I am willing to work on it if you are. If he says no drop it then. Don't call him let him call you, "give him his space". Be prepared to deal with the possibility it is over and don't blame yourself. Save your heart for someone else, don't let it beconsumed by this for to long you will only get more wounded.

[lenaejw]

girl! let him go he is confused he does not know what he wants because if he did he would of been with you don't settle for less and don't try to make a grown man love you when someone else can.You know what you need to do make a list of the pros and the cons of this guys whichever out ways the other do what you feel but do note if he wants to cut you off let him goo he will see in the long run that he made a huge mistake but don't run to his rescue and try to get him to love you when in fact he needs to work on loving his self and taking care of his issues.If you need some advice girl hit me up I will give you the real dish on things

[Dubfire]

Sounds like you've given him too much attentions. A few weeks/months of no contact should fix this. Look you are in a very good position at the moment because until a few months ago this guy was willing to spend the rest of his life with you.

You just need to back off and he will call and no he won't forget about you. Just don't pressure him into making decision that he is not ready to make.

[polkaroo123]

I worry that he will meet someone on this dating site and start seeing them because at the moment any other girl probably seems better than me. If I keep my cool and say nothing to him about this and show him I'm the girl he fell in love with.. do I still have a chance. I almost think he wants to rebound to know if it was a bad decision.. but what if he falls for someone who is great as well. I have to believe no other girl can compare to me.. but there is always that chance.

[valo712]

i understand this dude he wants to know for sure ur the one I know girls don't get this but I understand him and there is a point where a guy has to look at the whole picture and get out of it for a while to see if he wants to be with you forever or not I know for a girl might sound stupid but for him its a big step and he just making sure for SURE this is what he wants just give him space he just figuring sh*t out