Should I be upset over my boyfriend recording a video of another girl?

[Anonymous]

Overview:
- We are both in college, have been dating for a year and a half, are completely committed to one another, love one another, and are very attracted to one another.

He always tells me he loves me, that I'm beautiful, etc. He's a good boyfriend who gives me enough attention.
I know it's normal for guys to check out girls (right?). And I mean I've seen him look at some before...

But I went through his phone (yeah he's okay with it) into the images, and I found a video of him recording a girl from behind from a far distance. *She wore heels, short high waisted shorts, and a low-cute back, revealing a lot of skin.

I would never wear such thing, especially to SCHOOL. It looked very skimpy, but hey, that's hot to guys.. right?
He would NEVER be ok with me wearing that.. because he doesn't want other guys to look at me.

I feel like he wants me to be a conservative classy girlfriend, and he gets to drool over skimpy girls like that?
I mean, looking at her would have been just fine. But he had to RECORD IT? Zoomed into her butt and everything..
He's not a creeper at all! So I found it surprising.

I asked him why. He was honest with me, he didn't deny that he recorded it. But he apologized and felt very bad, deleted it immediately.

But now I can't get over it. I feel very insecure, I feel like he found her more attractive than me. I know I shouldn't compare myself, but I can't help it.

Please tell me... Do you believe I have a right to be upset? What is your opinion on this?
Thank you.

Updates

+1 y

She wore heels, shorts and a shirt that was revealing her entire back** edit

Updates

+1 y

He's asking me what he can do to make me feel better... But I don't have an answer. The damage is done and is still destroying me inside.

[rthomas43]

You definitely have a right to be upset, because your boyfriend is a moron lol

Don't start comparing yourself to other girls. There will always be more attractive people out there, and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to compare yourself to them. Just be yourself =]

Whether or not he found her more attractive than you is irrelevant. She was a pretty girl in skimpy clothing, how she stacks up compared to you had nothing to do with it.

In relationships, us guys check out other girls, pleasure ourselves frequently to fantasies that would make your head explode considering it usually involves girls that our girlfriend is close to. But that's the thing, it stays in our head. We don't freaking record and leave the evidence lying around.

So if you want to be mad at him, be mad that he's stupid.

[DodgersGM]

Yeah, that's a little creepy, especially with the video and the zooming in and out.

You have a right to feel any way you want. You can't really control your natural reactions to something like that, ya know? You'll just have to let it sit with you for a bit and see what the right course of action is for YOU.

[rthomas43]

Bingo.
If it's something that you won't be able to look past and will resent him for, then cut your losses now and move on.

[lamebabe]

That is extremely creepy and wrong for numerous reasons. I'm assuming he recorded it for later "use"? Oh god...I don't even know where to start here, so I'll just say that you definitely have the right to be upset about it...

I don't think I could stay with my boyfriend if I learned he was partaking in creepy behavior like that.

[rthomas43]

I'm curious. I know it's worse, but how much worse is recording it than just snapping a few mental images and saving it in your brain for later?

[lamebabe]

Much worse. "Saving mental images" is kind of creepy too (because why would you care that much unless you aren't getting any), but recording it takes it to a new level. At that point he's also invading that woman's personal space by recording her without her permission to use for sexual purposes.

[rthomas43]

For the record, I agree with you on the recording part, just wanted to get a woman's perspective.
The fact that you find the mental snapshots creepy shows that aren't too familiar with how the male brain works.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you, and what was the duration of your longest relationship, and how old were during it?

[lamebabe]

I am 22. Longest relationship was 4 years long. I grew up a tomboy and up until recently all my closest friends were men. So no, I'm not unfamiliar with how the male brain works. I know that in many ways it varies from man to man. You can't speak for your entire sex.

[rthomas43]

On all issues I can't speak for males as a whole, but there are a few things that cover just about all of us.

[lamebabe]

Sure. But the mental images for later masturbation thing is not something all guys do. That was something more common in high school, when most people weren't having sex.

[Asker]

Okay, our sex life isn't lacking anything, it's wonderful! He's extremely attracted to me.. But this was very random... Very unlike him. I'm trying to see if it means anything. Is he going to start lusting over other women?

[lamebabe]

He is already lusting over other women, and has been for a while.

[Asker]

Why when he gets everything he wants from me? (not as in I make myself too available)

[lamebabe]

People don't stop noticing other attractive people once they're in a relationship. Most are still very much attracted to others, and many crave variety. You can give him the world on a silver platter and he'll still get hard over other women. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's how it is. Not ALL guys are like this, but a great many are.

[rthomas43]

I hate to break it to you, but all guys actually do take mental snapshots, fantasize about other women, or whatever you want to call it. ALL (straight) men. The desire to have sex with other women never goes away. The reason faithful guys don't cheat isn't because of lack of desire, it's because they respect their significant other and possess the self control to act on their urges.

[rthomas43]

to NOT act*******

[lamebabe]

No. There is nothing that ALL men do. Maybe most, but definitely not all. Again, you cannot make such a huge generalization for such a huge number of people. Women fantasize about other men, too- but not all. Most HUMANS (not just men) are not meant to be monogamous...which is why so many people cheat and have sexual thoughts about people who aren't their significant other.

[lamebabe]

*besides the obvious things, of course

[rthomas43]

I'm not going to argue over the intricacies of the word "all". I was making a sweeping generalization. I'm aware that it isn't 100% accurate in this case, though I'm willing to bet it's in the upper 90s.

Regardless, we are agreeing on the broad picture here lol

[Asker]

All I need is to grow thicker skin and accept that it's only human.. *Sigh.

[lamebabe]

Bet away lol. Anyway, back to OP...yes, accept that it's natural for people to fantasize about others but do not accept creepy and intrusive over the top behavior like recording unknowing women.

[Asker]

I don't know if this is relevant, but guys check me out all the time when we are together, he gets super jealous, and I get hit on a lot. I think he's more urged to check out other girls because it makes him feel more equal?

[lamebabe]

Hmm..I don't know about that. I don't really see how there would be much of a connection, but maybe Rthomas can be of help there.

[rthomas43]

No connection whatsoever when it comes to just checking girls out.
Now, if he saw you flirt back with a guy, then he makes a point to flirt with a girl in front of you, he would be getting even.
Like I said earlier, his checking out...and recording...of other women is exactly the same now as it would be if y'all weren't dating.

And yes, you need thick skin to deal with knowing your partner lusts after other people. But I'm still not sure you should have to deal with them recording someone...

[lamebabe]

So what are you going to do, OP?

[rthomas43]

The suspense is killing me...

[lamebabe]

Me too lol

[Anonymous]

Eh, at first I was going to say what a dumbass and probably creepy weird behavior.

But sounds like he was just perving...

Reason enough to me bad at him... but not dump him.

I wouldn't do it... I never have taken pics of any females bodyparts but i know some guys try to do this all the time...

[rthomas43]

While the intentions and mindset behind him recording her aren't that much more perverse than those of a man that only looks, this guy clearly has EXTREMELY poor judgment and had he been caught, would have humiliated himself as well as OP for being associated with him.

[Opinion Owner]

in a world where guys easily cheat... by encouraging talking, flirting, or hell full on sex... him taking a video is nothing.

I have actually been on the other side of this... as I would never do this to my girl but I can kind of see where her bf is coming from.

I mean has the OP never talked or giggled about some guy she found very cute or hot with her gfs?

[Opinion Owner]

I know a lot of taken girls at work like to steal glances at me. I don't make much of it or judge them for it...

[Opinion Owner]

has the OP never taken a pic of a cute guy?* is what i meant. girls at work also like to talk to each other about checking out hot macho guys if they see one...

true they dont neccesarily take pics but still taking a pic is not much diffrnt than admiring.

I mean if a girl took a pic of a guy... how creepy would she be seen? most likely not at all creepy.

[Opinion Owner]

taking a pic is not much diffrnt than admiring publicly and openly with other girls*

[Opinion Owner]

fuck i am sleepy...godnight.

[lamebabe]

To be clear, yes it would still be creepy for a girl to take a picture of a total stranger. In general, taking pictures of people without their permission is weird and creepy. Taking SEXUAL pictures is worse, and take sexual videos just takes the cake in creepiness.

[Opinion Owner]

Like I said, for my self, I would never do this.

However to label someone a 'creep' like an outcast is excessive.

In high school, on multiple occasions I had girls sneak/take a pic of me cause they thought I was cute looking.

it is fairly common for young guys to admire other women in an uncontrollable fashion. as they mature... they typically learn better.