I'm in my early 20's and I have Asperger Syndrome, never had a girlfriend in my entire life, should I give up?

Question

I'm a guy in his early 20's who has been single his whole life, never had a girlfriend. For those who have heard of Asperger Syndrome, it is a mild form of Autism, so it obviously means that I'm not a big social person and not going. Overall, Asperger Syndrome means you have below average social skills, or just bad social skills. I hate it when people say "Man Up", "Grow a Pair", or "Stop Whining and just go talk to Women". Well guess what? I am not scared to approach or talk to women, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW!, It's not a matter of just because I lack guts or lack balls, it's just that I don't know how!, and having Asperger Syndrome or Autism make it impossible, or just nearly impossible to gain better social skills, conversation skills. Also everyone obviously knows that us guys, unfortunately for me too, have to be the ones to pull girls, like we have to initiate everything with girls, girls don't and never will approach guys or ask them out on a date, us guys have to do the pursuing and chasing, overall, all or most of the work in order to get the girl. A girl can get a date or a boyfriend without having to overcome shyness or social anxiety, but the same thing is not applied for guys.

paragiveadamn · Accepted Answer

I have AS too. I found out when I was 21. I've spent the last 4 years working hard at what I was able to change considered social "negatives" and other previous strengths I developed further. I can honestly say I was once like you in terms of verbal expression. The only cure to this is exposure to your fears. Expose yourself to women, to public settings, to different people and perspectives. I sought help from many professionals but AS has only been in the medical books since '94. Most psychologists misdiagnose people with AS just so they can pin a name to symptoms based on theory. Find yourself a behavioral psychologist and a neural psychologist  EXPERIENCED in AS. Do your own thorough research on psychology and definitely read as much as possible on body language. Don't change your ideals or your morals, but if you want people to understand you there has to be compromise. The people around you will not bother clarifying your positions or what you say (to them they feel as if your different from them and other "normal" people, and would rather dismiss you as "odd" or "different"), it's up to YOU to change if you want the wonderful gift of social communication and emotional connection with those you love and care for. Above all else, don't give up, you do have benefits over most and impairments under most, but you do need to humble yourself. I'm not Your language and expression, as shown in your post, is very generalized, absolutist, and one-sided and exudes arrogance and to those that are experienced in communication you may come off as socially (maybe even sexually, as is the case) inexperienced. I'm not saying your a narcissist, but like me and how I spoke and expressed myself prior, that's how I was viewed, when in fact, we feel quite the opposite. If you do however, understand that you're not special, and not some gift of God from the rest and definitely not ahead of the evolutionary curve (as many AS people tend to think and find justification in solitude and the single life in the belief that this world wasn't made to understand them). It's not like you have Down Syndrome, for them, understanding other people should not be their priority, it's our job to accommodate THEM to an extent based on their condition. You were given all the tools you need to adapt and integrate within society, it's up to YOU. Realize where you go wrong, ask the opinion of friends on how you act, tell them you need their honesty and that your feelings will not get hurt when they say the truth. That it's important so that both of you and your relationship with everyone else can improve for the better. You can change, people change, I'm proud to be living proof of that. Feel free to ask me questions in regards to Aspergers or how to attract women. If you just found out about Asperger's I feel there's other social problems that need to be adjusted before getting tips on how to get the girl. Regardless, I'm here to help. Regards

2toybike · Accepted Answer

This may or may not make sense but you just have to have an attitude of F them. Who cares if they don`t like you? Charlie sheen gets burned and turned down too and so does every ladies man. As odd as this sounds, for the most part women want a guy who is`nt instantly in love with them. It will take a little time and study but you will get the hang of it.

I beleive I might have the same condition but I never went to a doctor. Put up and shut up is what I was always told and you should. I don`t like dealing with people but they have what I want (money, sex, and knowledge). My wants outweigh my dislike for human interaction so I have a game face. I can instantly become very charming and almost always make out with a girl at a bar.

It took a lot of time and research though. About 6-9 months to make good progress. Watch movies that the public likes like wedding crashers find out why people are attracted to certain people and you can duplicate theese traits to get what you want.

I`m not gunna lie you will probably never be good at relationships but if you do your homework, you can keep from missing out on things in life. Like doing good at job interviews, or hooking up a few times a year (or way more if you wanna keep the game face going even though it is tiring to not be yourself ). Anyway, watch movies and tv shows that the public likes and learn to duplicate the traits that they like. This will be the tool that you need to be sucessfull in life.

abra_b · Accepted Answer

Maybe buy some books on socializing or check out the web. With anything, you'll need to study and to practice. Perhaps there are some message boards for people with Asperger's. I saw a couple on television who both had it, actually. They somehow devised a strategy that worked perfectly for them. Advice from people who have experienced your specific challenges would be most helpful.

Also, women do have to overcome social anxiety. I get really nervous sometimes and it effects my body language, my conversation skills, even leaving the house to go to places to actually meet guys! Not trying to minimize your pain, just trying to show you some sympathy that girls actually do understand. It's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes even beautiful girls who get lots of immediate attention blow it easily because they get flustered and drive the guy away on accident.

Also, I know it sucks to have an extra challenge because dating is hard enough as it is. However, there are many people (girls and guys) facing a similar issue. For instance, I have a gal pal who has trouble finding dates because she has Cerebal Palsy. She's gritty as can be, but guys often shy away from her thinking she's "broken." She's so upbeat, though. She told me that she might not have much of a chance to find love, but she knows she won't have a chance at all if she doesn't try.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I believe this question was posted before on here somewhere. There will be girls who will be understanding of this condition (ex. me) and there will be girls who won't. But if you give up anyway, it's completely hopeless.

I am a girl with anxiety / social anxiety problems who LIKES a guy with asperger's. And let me tell you, it is quite frustrating to calm the anxiety and try to talk to a guy while he, in return, rarely approaches me. And I get mixed signals... but I guess it is my fault as well.. I suppose the best way is to slowly to start learning how to talk to girls. Even if it just means a greeting here and there, it's better than nothing and then slowly work your way up. It might be better to be friends with a girl first (but other problems will come from this sink or swim situation if you want romance after friendship).

Trust me, it's not all guys doing all the work or putting them selves out there. Traditionally yes, but it's 2010.

I also think my case is more distinct because I know this dude has AS. Whereas if a girl who does not know this might take the guy as he's not interested.

ArabSweetie · Accepted Answer

i think my boyfriend has asperger syndrome. He has low social skills, he has like one friend. he's a looner but he's so so smart.

"Seriously, it's way easier for a girl to get a boyfriend than for a guy to get a girlfriend"

"Yeah but us guys always have to initiate, which I don't like"

"Yeah but it hurts guys more since us guys always have to initiate"

"It's just hard for me since I'm a guy and us guys always or usually have to make the first move and initiate, it's tradition."

and it goes on :P

for gods sake, don't be that stubborn and pessimist lol you don't have to always make the first move, eveybody is telling you.

I really don't care about a guy social skills if he's smart, funny and confident.

Its a really interesting topic and id like to help you the best I can, so if you wanna talk about it message me because I hate writing long answers lol

Anyway good luck :)

centrestriker · Answer

Dude rejection is NOT a reason to stop trying. I learned the hard way. I just hit the drinking age and some friends tok me, out to a club. I took every rejection hard. Finally I just stopped caring, now if I get shot down, its like whatever I ll go find someone else who does want to talk to me. The other night I was in club I went 2 and 15. out of 17 girls, I only had actually conversation/dances/drinks with two. Then other nights it seems you can't miss.  You only get better through trial and error. If you get shot down its a "meh guess that didn't work, won't try that again" Different techniques work for different guys when it comes to girls. All you need is the confidence to approach them and you need to learn the approach that works for you. You want my advice, wingman along with some guys who are good at talking with girls,you can learn by watching and also get a little experience. If its just the initial approach, always wingman off a guy. I have friends who do that, I make the move as the confident funny guy, and they slide in as my friend. Ill lead them in for girls I'm not interested in. I understand what you have is a condition and that makes it more difficult for you. Play your strengths, if even if you are a shy guy, there are girls out there for you someone, you just got to look.

The_Upside · Answer

hey mate I live in australia and we have a guy at our work with aspergers I'm a builder he has no problem talking (he never shuts up) its more he keeps repeating his conversation, socially he doesn't go out he always tells me about the train set he got, he tells me he has no interest in going out he's 20 btw and that one big reason he can't get a girl. when girls come on site he seem to be all ohh there's a girl on site sh*t instead of being cool and calm its just a girl and when he talks to them he talks about computer or trains (its a boring convo) I know its easier said then done because we have nothing wrong with us and people should be greatful for that but I think being confident with your self try find someone that has something in common with you, don't worry what people think, convo tips be simple say something like heyyy how are you? how was your day?, what do you do on weekends? things like that, just try be relaxed.

i hoped I helped in some way and I'm sure you will find what you want in time ...peace mate take care and go get those ladies

AlexA-94 · Answer

Since i have Asperger Syndrome+ADHD/ADD i can try my best to answer your question.

The answer to your question is NO because just because we have an disability doesn't make us incapable to date or bee loved or love another person. But the struggle is always present in our life.

So i would also ask you a question:

1. Does your insecurity and pride ask the questions?

2. Or do you as a wonderful and valuable human being ask this question?

I`m 23 years old and have never had sex or a relationship with a girl.

I have always wanted to give up, but haven't?

I just say to myself that i`m valuable and good enough for myself and others. And it`s better to be picky and independent when being in a relationship than getting a girlfriend that abuse you because you wanted a relationship so badly.

So my answer to you, my fellow aspie.. Never give up in love, but also never let it consume and destroy you because of loneliness and curiosity after a relationship.
Take care :)

blackirish · Answer

I hate how we have to initiate everything too, but it is what it is and you'll have to accept it. You might have to hit bottom. I mean rock bottom. At which point you will become kind of bitter and angry, and then stop caring in general. That's kind of helpful, because you won't be as nervous or shy about doing things your way. I also suggest the best advice I've ever gotten on how to handle a challenge or seemingly impossible task is to take it small step by small step. You have all the time in the world. So if you take incremental steps in changing one thing about your looks, or your personality, you will eventually become the person you want to be.

In other words, "Onwards, through the fog!" Always go forward my friend. Never quit.

kdizzleforizzle91 · Answer

Well, I'll tell you this... I was best friends with an Autistic boy in Kindergarten. I know that might not sound like much, but it meant a lot to him. I've always been a very accepting person. Teachers that knew me in elementary school still praise me for it. At the time, I didn't think anything of it. I just knew he was different and special, in a good way, and that's what attracts me to any given person. Also, I've had a mild case of Tourette's Syndrome my whole life, which is in that web of disorders. I never told anyone, even though they'd mock me for some symptoms they'd see, because I knew they wouldn't believe me or would ask why I don't shout obscene words, when that's only a rare symptom. Anyway, I've never dated a guy before, and I'm almost 19.

If you'd like to talk to me, feel free to add me so we can chat. I'm sure we could comfort or learn some things from each other. It would be nice to talk to someone with a perspective like yours.

Brwright · Answer

My cousin is 21 and has had a girlfriend for about 1 year now actually. He also has aspergers. Mind you she has anxiety problems too (met at a job type thing for mentally impaired) anyway He has pretty high functioning but to be honest he is emotionally I still think at the level of a 12 year old but he manages. She is nice and understanding though I don't know what exactly her problem is. He never had a girl his entire High School career, he just didn't let it get to him. He says that he felt the same way for a time but he just kept going. He got a job (shelf stocker/cart retriever) It's not great but it gets him out and around people more. Look into getting some form of employment OR Volunteer work. Chicks love a man that volunteers (something with animals...keep the social anxiety on the DL) It took him awhile to find a job though just start small bud. I live with my cousin we're pretty close, tough it out it gets easier as you get older.

Agu_029 · Answer

NO YOU SHOULDN'T! Obviously its not your fault because of your syndrome but , in my opinion, there are 2 things you can do: 1. PRACTICE! practice makes the master! even if you have AS you can learn how to increase your social skills, specially towards girls!  or 2. Wait for the girl to approach you! Times have change a lot and here were I live girls usually approach guys. The only thing you need to do is to be on a place where they can see you and there you go! Go to the movies, church, park , etc... you never know where your dream girl will be ! :D

CuddlyCarla · Answer

Take responsibility for what you can with Aspergers. You have a highly functioning brain, while it's understandable that you have a hard time socially you can't just let that be it. You CAN get social skills training and learn to improve and you can educate yourself about Aspergers and read books about it full of helpful tips and information. Don't just sit there and judge yourself or complain about it, you have it and that sucks but it's up to you to help make your life better and easier and you have the power to do that. Go for it!

Brownfractals · Answer

NO!NEVER! Autism should not limit you! No matter how mild or extrem it may be. Did you know people with autism have EXTREMELY high IQs? They tend to excel in problem solving,puzzles, things that pick your brain. Not all women are social butterflies, at least I'm not. I am sure God has the perfect woman for you, she just hasn't found you yet. :) And you know what they say, when you stop looking for love, that's exactly when it finds you.

airiver · Answer

abra's advice is wonderful and of course you shouldn't give up...If you think about it...We all have our own personal "syndromes" we have to work through and if the doctors had their was we would all have "labels".  Facts are facts and you just need to put your energies into finding ways to deal with your frustrations.  From the way you speak I think you present yourself very articulately.  We all have to "practice" to achieve getting along with the opposit sex.  One thing though, stop standing in your own way and you will do just fine.  Trust me, you are not the only person that doesn't know how to communicate.  Best of luck.  Cheers!

Anonymous · Answer

I also have AB syndrome and know what it's like to be nervous in social situations. I am always afraid of saying the wrong thing or screwing up a convo but I still talk to people and try anyways. The best thing you can do is work you're way up. Make some friends, and have them introduce you to more friends until you become popular enough to know a lot of people. Keep making friends (not everyone is going to like you,I understand, but it's worth a try) and when you meet a girl you like, pretend she's your friend and ask her to hang out. Thing of it more of making a friend than going on a date because that's what dating really is, making a friend, then leting feelings take care of the rest. I hope I have helped you.

Anonymous · Answer

I wouldn't give up but I would find a support group or a professional who understands Aspergers to help you get some ideas on how to deal with this. That is why you are getting all that unhelpful advice on here about "man up", because the average person has no understanding of your situation, so they can't help you. I just googled Asperger's and dating and saw some blogs and a book listed.

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting. So, it's time to try something new.

Jables21 · Answer

hell no, man, never give up...i think you should try to get to know a girl first, like kinda be friends with her, and if that doesn't work out, at least then you'll know you can talk to women, talk to them on the internet first, because I find it much easier to be myself around someone I don't know if I'm not actually face to face with them...and if all else fails, just try to get some female friends, and let them give you some advice...good luck, buddy

the_cheshire_cat · Answer

Watch the movie called 'Adam'   and stop being so dang negative.  Finding love is not easy for ANYONE, no matter what condition someone has or doesn't have.   Stop acting like the world is against only you. it's against everyone. You won't find anyone with your attitude because you'll be too busy complaining to notice.

brittany_baby · Answer

hey darling I've never heard of asperger syndrome but yeah, well you should never ever give up one day you will find someone and you will know when you are in love, you have to keep trying because one day you are going to find someone amazing that you are truly in love with and communicating with women  will become much easier for you . if you have msn tell me :) and we can talk on there , good luck mate , have a good one. xo from brittany :)

bunny420 · Answer

I have it too, bad times. Don't give up, chances are someone will love you for who you are, even if you don't have great social skills. Don't shut out the outside world, it will only get harder from there. :)

MusicFan · Answer

Do not give up!

My best friend's older brother has Asperger's. He's 18 and has had several girlfriends. Apart from that, he's Nordic and Danish champion in rowing singlesculler.

Don't let Asperger's get you down! Fight for it. As soon as you've given up, you've lost. Keep trying and it will happen.

I'm sorry but I can't give you any advice on how to approach women. Things happened differently for me and the 2 girls I've had something with. But I wish you the best of luck!

sdflkj · Answer

You probably need a matchmaker or a bridge perhaps? JK. Some girls prefer the shy type guy than the cocky one. You just have to wait for the right one :) Asperger Syndrome sounds new to me, it drives my attention and made me wanna meet one. Opposite attracts I guess

stercor · Answer

My son (16) has Aspberger's syndrome. It hasn't stopped girls from avoiding him. In fact, he says that "he was the scrawniest kid in the 3rd grade." He had no problems with guys because the girls stuck up for him.

When he's at a dance, I've seen him dance by himself (probably because he's shy around girls).

Ted

COCOFONTANE · Answer

well love is actually a big fat hairy lie people invent just to make their lives more interesting and because they want to justefy the idea of having sex on a regular basis.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm 20 and I've never found love either.

People will make you suffer so much you'll wish you never met them.

I'm in my early 20's and I have Asperger Syndrome, never had a girlfriend in my entire life, should I give up?

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