Christmas without my boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I am a 40 year old women and have been dating this man for two years. In this last year we have had many trials to go through. I have found out about some very serious lies that he has told. One of which is that he was involved in an arranged marriage just after we started dating he was scared to loose me so he didn't tell me but I found out anyway. He has since gotten a divorce as the woman never came back after the marriage.. He has told several lies about this situation which have all been uncovered by me digging... I have chosen to stand by him with everything that he has done because I do love him very much and other than this he treats me exceptionally well and we have been in counseling now for a few months... But the hurt that I have gone through is extreme... I should also mention that my brother was killed in an accident and I have had numerous trials with family over this whole situation... Now here is the problem... My boyfriend lives far away from his family and has not seen his parents for a year... His heart wants to go to New Zealand to be with his family over Christmas and new years... I however can't go because my daughter who is 15 doesn't want to go partially because of all the insecurity these lies of created... also I would be going into debt to make this trip and I have been struggling to clear it up as I am a single mom and work very hard to make ends meet. Now my struggle with this situation is this... After the year that we have had together and how hard we are working at our relationship I don't feel like he should even consider going... On the other hand I know how much he misses his family and I don't want to deny him of that... I am very torn because I don't want to spend Christmas without him as he worked last Christmas and has to work next Christmas as well... I don't want to make him choose me and Christmas together because that would be very wrong and he wouldn't be here with his whole heart but yet I feel if our relationship was as important to him as he says it is would he even consider leaving me at Christmas... I should also mention his parents are coming here in 5 months anyway... but they are getting older too... My insecurity how hard I have had to fight to be a partner in this relationship and I feel that maybe he's just not that into me... he tells me he wants to get married to me but never discusses it further... he seems very apprehensive about moving in to my house as well... Am I crazy for trying so hard...

Please help!

[Ugliness]

Christmas without your boyfriend. A sad though deserves a sad song.

This is the late great Karen Anne Carpenter

https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=YR1ujXx2p-I

> He has told several lies about this situation which have all been uncovered by me digging

Ah. Be very careful. He may not intend to deceive - but the fact that he has suggests you need to further investigate his motives. But an arranged marriage? Can't he think for himself?

> His heart wants to go to New Zealand to be with his family over Christmas and new years

I argued this with my wife (we were barely dating then) and lost. Our first would be Christmas together and she decided to be with her parents instead of me. I saw where her loyalty was.

So in both cases it seems - who would a person rather spend Christmas with? Their parents or their significant other? I for one considered I wasn't important enough. I concluded she wasn't serious enough about me. You may have a different conclusion.

> feel if our relationship was as important to him as he says it is would he even consider leaving

> me at Christmas...

Exactly. I don't know. I can say that I can relate to the situation.

Consider it carefully. Some seem to have more loyalty to their parents.

For me... I felt rejected. She wasn't serious enough about me. I was optional

My error: Another girl observed this happening from afar and offered me consolation.

And - yes I had sex with her. I felt so alone except for that person who gave me some attention.

I regretted it afterward. Wasn't very good anyhow. My wife found out from her (we weren't married then) but she still throws it back in my face now and then. That is hard to handle. Even though I openly offered my wife the only other time (we were married by then) that someone hit on me, a guy offered me a blowjob but I refused because AFTER we were married I remained faithful. But she still holds that over me. Yes. My fault. All my fault. But I made an assessment of was she even serious about me back then? So I say now - it's hard to tell. But family loyalty seems to run strong with people. I can offer no advice. Just my experience. Don't do what I did or you will be forever the bad guy and not him. But I do think it's unfair of your boyfriend. With or without religion, Christmas season has a major significance to many of us. And if your boyfriend (and my wife) could have only chosen different times there wouldn't have been such apprehension from me and maybe you. Take care my friend. Sorry I can't be of real help.

[Snowy99]

Leave him. my boyfriend chose to be in his flat on his own. i know that can't be true. he's seeing another woman. i felt hurt to the bone. it was then I realised I'm not important. do the sensible thing and save the pain of heart break and go. i wish you well. x

[AustinMan]

You know the right thing to do here. Time to woman up and do it. You stay with your daughter and pass on the additional debt. His commitment to his family is clearly tied up with the arranged marriage. I'm guessing he's from another culture and you need to be sure you want to put you and your daughter through all that that involves. If you're going for the long haul, take the long view. Maybe he can find a job that doesn't require him to work Christmas. Plus it's just one day in a holiday season. Lots of families celebrate holidays a few days before or after for any number of reasons. Time to get your head on straight and decide what you want for you and your daughter.

[Ugliness]

Just one day? Maybe not. If he's taking a flight out to somewhere it's rarely a day trip.

link

It took me so long to find out - and I found out.

[AustinMan]

I meant Christmas is just one day in a long season but I suspect you knew that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's best to stay. Have you explained your current situation with him? Maybe you need to sit down with him and talk to him about it. Maybe staying put is the best decision.

[baliguy11]

Tough one my lady. I think you should stay put for this holiday thing. Not sure where the arranged marriage fits in to this intriguing story but I assume these parents of his had something to do with it, yes? Is that where you want to be with your daughter, who needs you right now. I suggest you put your daughter first, and let him know that. This includes the money situation since that affects your daughter who has no say in this, though I bet if she did the adults in this tale might get an ear full. He needs to hear some straight talk from you, I think. Real straight. Nothing candy coated. you can message me if you prefer.

[Asker]

I had no doubts that I was going to stay here for the holiday season... The arranged marriage was for an ex to come to canada he was helping her out after she helped him... But she left right after and never came back... My question is after all of the hurt that we have been through this year should he even be considering going to see his family... and leaving for Christmas when his family will be here in 5 months anyway?

[baliguy11]

my apologies. I think after what he has put you through, assuming he grasps this, he should offer to stay with you. Even as a gesture of your importance. I assume we are talking about Canada vs NZ. I have limited information but I think he needs to demonstrate that you are important. He could offer to have his parents come to see both of you. just accelerate the already planned visit. Please do not forget your daughter. She is watching Mom so be strong.

[peacenic]

you say," he treats me exceptionally well and we have been in counselling now for a few months" which shows You have found a team player,you say,"He is

apprehensive about moving in to my house" He is not a user,You say,"my daughter who is 15 " shows a lot of why He is draggin his feet for probably 3 more years,remember relationships take time to build and lifelong relationships take a lifetime to build,slow down...try to enjoy the construction,many more Christmas's to come...

[AllDay]

I would say leave him I mean how many lies has he said? And he wasn't man enough to tell you. You had to go and find out (yes that was uncool) but still.

I would suggest you stay and why doesn't he man up and pay for you and your daughter?

Even after all the trials of your relationship you said you didn't even feel like going

Besides if you stay here and decide to be with him. I'm sure there will be more Christmas'

[Anonymous]

Let him go to NZ and don't make ANY fuss about it. No guilt, no anger, nothing.

You'll miss him for one arbitrary date. Meanwhile, you see him all the time, right?

He doesn't sound like the best of guys, and your digging seems well, uncool.

[Ugliness]

As I sid from my experiences, your message is simple and well put. She doesn't need to make the same mistakes I made.

[Snowy99]

Please from woman to woman get away from him before he breaks your heart.