Depression: Silent Screaming

Depression: Silent Screaming

As I write this, I am lying in my bed, in the middle of the day, for the 97th day in a row. The lights are off, food wrappers surrounding me, my phone relentlessly ringing to remind me of all the unanswered messages. None of this seems to matter to me, though. My mind is consumed with thoughts while my body is shackled with thousand pound weights. Some may call this laziness, and I understand where they are coming from. But this is depression.

I never thought that I would be in a place like this. A little over a year ago, it felt like I had it all. I graduated at the top of my class, I was first chair in the orchestra, I was voted best dressed, the homecoming queen, I had a boyfriend that loved me, and I received academic and talent scholarships to the university of my choice. I had all of those stupid things that people wanted in high school, and that made me so happy. I had struggled with an eating disorder and social anxiety previous to this, and was so proud that I had overcome it, that I never thought that I would face anything worse.

Out of anyone in the world, I was the last person that anybody would look at and think, "wow, she must have so many things to be sad about."

And the answer is, I don't.

I know I don't.

I know I am lucky for all the things that I have, and I am not looking for the pity of others.

The funny thing, though, is that depression knows that I have no reason to be sad, and yet, here I am. Here it is. We are one in the same. It is indescriminant. It doesn't care what we have and what we don't have, because honestly, none of that matters if we don't have the outlook to see it.

I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. Things with my boyfriend began slowly deteriorating over many months, which I obliviously ignored to the bitter end of the relationship. I ignored all the name calling, the belittling, the using, and the signs of cheating, because I knew that once that relationship ended, so would I. While I was right, and it may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy, I had no idea that something so little as a breakup with a dillhole boyfriend could pull the middle block of my waivering Jenga tower of a life right out from under me.

By this point, the depression had been building up for months, and my Jenga tower came crashing down. My timeline of the past three months is nonexistent, and my memory is hazy at best. Self harm became a way to disengage my thoughts, as my thoughts were much scarier than the wounds I was creating on my thigh. And when I tried to stop the self harm, suicidal thoughts began to slip in.

Suicidal thoughts come slowly.

They sneak up on you.

Until one day, I drove to the lake in the flooding rain where I sat for three hours, sobbing, because I knew that I wanted walk to the edge of the dock and jump. I cried because I wasn't scared to die. And that's what scared me the most.

I haven't slept for more than a few hours a night for the past three months. Falling asleep is difficult, while staying asleep is impossible. The only dreams I have anymore are about my family members finding my self harm scars and laughing at them. If that were to happen in real life, they would honestly laugh.

When I close my eyes, images haunt me. The most prominent one is from a day where I stood in the mirror with my hands wrapped around my neck, and I saw my face turn completely purple. The eyes looking back at me weren't my eyes anymore. That wasn't my face. That was a person who had been consumed by a force unknown to most people: Depression.

That same day I tried to hang myself. I tied a scarf around my neck, stood on a chair, and hung it from the ceiling. when I stepped off the chair, the scarf was ever so slightly too long and I hung there for minutes, with my toes touching the ground, slowly choking, before I realized that I couldn't die like this. I got myself out of the noose, went to bed, and have been in bed ever since.

For those of you who are still reading, which I doubt are many, I am a well known user here, although I have been pretty inactive for the past three months. I wrote this to tell a message to all of those people who are suffering in silence with me.

You are not alone.

I know that the days are long, and it's hard to know what day it even is, let alone what time it is. I know it feels hopeless. But I don't want to die anymore. I just want to get better.

Even if you have no hope, remember that other people do. And because of that, we know that hope does exist out there somewhere. And that will be our saving grace.

To all of you who aren't suffering from depression, if you notice someone starting to pull away, don't tell them to snap out of it. Don't tell them anything. Just offer your time. Sometimes all we need is to feel important to just one person. I know that's what I want. And maybe someday I'll get that. But for now, I will just have to pick up the pieces while my family looks on, totally oblivious to the pain I'm feeling. To them, I'm lazy. And I'm fine with them thinking that. The only way they were ever going to find out how I feel was through my suicide note. And they will never see that, because I don't want to die anymore.

There is always hope.


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What Guys Said 16

  • Wow, this is such a beautiful take and thank you for writing it. I have come to meet so many people who suffer depression and it almost seems like more and more people and suffering in the modern age. I can't help but wonder why so many people have depression, personally i feel something has changed in society that is causing this "mass depression" and i can't pt my finger on it. Worst of all i see so many depressed teenagers, its so sad. my heart goes out to them.

    I think we fundamentally need to re-look all the things in society (i know its a monumental task) but unless its done, we are just going to see more and more cases of depression. Really awesome Take *standing ovation

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    • I completely agree with you. And thank you so much for your support (:

    • @asker Its my pleasure, i pray and hope for humanity :) and Thank you for writing this awesome piece

  • I felt grateful because you wrote this takes.

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  • Thankfully i never suffered from depression

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    • Yes you are very lucky! But there may be someone around you that has and they may need support.

  • I suffered from depression a long time ago, i stoped talking to anyone, and i have been closed up in my room for more than a year, suicidal toughts were runnig trough every piece of my body, but then one day in a buss i remebered what i once said to my best friend, 'I will never give up!', in that moment i stood up, kissed the girl i like, got my old friends back and in an instant i felt like never before, i felt happiness, that is a feel to live for. Then i again, in past few months started loosing the girl i love, in an instant i knew something was wrong, i loved her, and i knew that she didn't love me anymore, i started loosing a lot of friends for some morbid reason, unknown to me, the only thing i could run off my toughts was basketball, i played, and played, and played sometimes 19 hrs without eating, without rest, only not to think of my problems, then she came and started playing too, in an instant i knew i am gonna fall in depression too, and i beged my self and beged not to feel like that again, once in the middle of a street ball with my closest friend i started hitting a wall with my fists, i broke 3 fingers, yet i didn't stop hitting the wall, after the friend hitted me and got me away from wall, i started crying, like a fucking baby, and repeating to my self, 'I don't wanna feel like that again, i dont want to!' Afterwards he called an ambulance and had story that i fell, but the doc didn't belive becuse of the way that bones were fractured, i told him what happened, he looked down, smiled and said 'Even children nowdays', after that i realised i want to spend more time with the people i care about, i tried but i don't think i can do it, even now after 6 months i beg myself not to feel like i did, but i think i am loosing it.

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    • I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with recurring depression so I know how bad it sucks when it comes back. I hope that you don't go back to that place. But you are already stronger because of it. I wish you the best ♡

  • Nice take.

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  • I suffer with depression too, things aren't really going well, but a very nice take i might say. I truly do try to make it through day to day and try my best to keep myself busy.

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    • I'm glad that you're making it through. I know how tough it can be. I do believe that it will get better eventually. Try to stay strong.

    • thanks :) you too :)

  • Survival of the fittest.

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    • Well, thanks for your opinion!

  • I understand this. Very well done.
    I almost got to the point of self-harm (which came after the self-hate stage and the self-esteem issues). I felt alone, never spoke to anyone in school, and often just wanted to find the darkest corner just sit there and do nothing. The thing that got me out of it was music. Starting to play drums let me hit out frustrations of the day, and it gave me a reason to keep on going. From then, I was able to write music and write out my emotions into it. Sometimes simply writing your thoughts down makes a world difference. While I am still having issues I have yet to really conquer, and I'm not sure if I ever will fully beat them, the simple hope of a better life in the future keeps me going. I'm not saying to go and pick up the closest instrument you can find, but I'm saying there is something to live for. Because you never know what life may turn into a year, a week, or even five minutes from now.

    If anyone is out there and needs to talk about their depression or any issues in their life, my message box is open 24/7. I can't guarantee to be the psychiatrist I wish I was, but sometimes a simple chat with someone you will probably never meet in real life helps immensely.

    Haha oops, I rambled on again. But I guess that is nothing new for me. :D
    Tl;Dr; Stay golden ponyboy! (or pony girl I guess)

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    • Thank you for this! I also play an instrument but lately it's been so bad that I can't even bring myself to practice. I'm glad you were able to avoid self harm. It's not something you want to get trapped in.

  • Beautiful Take.

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  • I wanted to cry myself to sleep one night, i tried. i desperately wanted to have a mental break down, but every time i got some tears rolling, a voice in the back of my head said
    "This is pointless, why even bother? no one is there for you, no one can see you, you can't even see yourself." and i would stop, and feel nothing, It felt so light though, the feeling of nothing.
    there's nothing for me here
    I feel nothing, i can only do nothing. my literal goal in life is to go to work, come back home. and repeat. thinking about how i feel nothing, pisses me off, then i realize it;s stupid to get mad over something you can't control. so i stop.
    the only reason im writing this is because i just spent the last 2 hours staring at the wall, and got bored. i think ill go to sleep, at least i can still do that.

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    • I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. That's honestly the place that I'm at right now. Numb. Have you tried going to counseling?

    • i want to, but that costs money, and time. and i really dont feel like wasting either

    • If you pay out of pocket and don't have a income it only costs $20. And some community centers have free counselling. I understand where you're coming from, but sometimes just going to try it can give you the hope you need to get a better future. Just think about it. It could potentially be life changing.

  • That'd be a nice book blurb.

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    • Yeah. I've thought about it. I may write one some day

  • I... I just can't...
    That was beautiful *tear*

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    • Am I sensing sarcasm?

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    • Thanks (: lol I'm far from positive, but I'm really trying to push through this.

    • If you believe there is hope, you're positive enough. I believe you can get out of there!

  • im also suffering from depression, and that has turned into alcoholism. I'm ex army, did 2 tours of afghan and to be quite honest with you, I dont know why I drink. I guess the alcohol has served its purpose and erased that shit from my mind. I still have dreams, though its hard to distinguish what actually happened and what didn't.

    I once cut myself so deep I hit bone. I have a nasty 12" scar on my forearm now. complete shadow of my former self. overweight, recluse, wasting away.

    depression really is killing me.

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    • If you ever need to talk, comment back here and I'll message you. There's always hope to get better. But I know how you feel. And it feels so horrible. I'm so so sorry that you have to deal with this. I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy.

    • i would like that... Maybe we can help each other

    • Will do (:

  • Mental disorders suck.

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    • I agree whole-heartedly.

  • Touched! 😐😪

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What Girls Said 20

  • I have had depression most of my life in high school and even worse now (not formally diagnosed) I can't remember a time in my life where I haven't thought about suicide. I remember praying for God to let me die in my sleep. I wouldn't cut but when I got really down in the dumps i would hit myself or punch myself hard just to let it out (i still do it, rarely, but I still do) When I went of to college it seems that I put my depression on hold but when i had lows they were extremely low the difference was that i had more highs at the time. In 2012 I graduated with honors from a good university and then I couldn't find a job for the life of me. I'm from a different country and I loved living in america going to school and wanted to stay, but since I had to do something LEGALLY to stay I went to grad school which grades wise I was doing well but still very depressed. I couldn't get a job because I'm not American and international students can't get jobs outside of their university. So being strained on money I was kinda forced to move back to my home country which is taking even more of a tole on me emotionally because i don't want to be here all of my immediate family live in America because they have green cards (the irony of my life right) and my cousin took pity on me and is letting me live with them for now. I still don't have a job, no car, no boyfriend to speak of, no really great friends I am basically all alone. And in this country they don't really believe mental illness is a thing so there is no place I can really go to for help. My life just continues to look hopeless, and I don't know what to do to be happy. I know what I would like to happen but I just... sigh!

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    • I'm sorry to hear your struggles. :/ it's very inspiring to hear that you're still pushing through it. Stay strong, it will get better (:

  • Your story sounds familiar to me. I once struggled with depression. Not long ago.
    I admit I was never a social butterfly. My childhood was pretty lonely. I didn't have many friends but I had my books and I was one of the best in my classes. I grew up, went to university and nothing really changed for me. Then in my second semester it began creeping up. I started skipping classes, it just didn't make sense anymore. I had no motivation. Days would come and go and all I did was to get up in the morning, sit in my bed cry and go to sleep. I started failing my classes one after another and I isolated myself. I would rarely leave my room if I didn't have to go to school. Then because of all that exam failing I started getting performance anxiety. The only thing I ever felt proud of, that motivated me all these years had vanished. I wasn't the smart student anymore. I was just a pathetic lonely nobody. I remember Christmas 2011 clearly I spent it studying just to prove to myself I could do it. But during the exam I had a total black out. I went home and had a total break down. I spendt the next days in bed. I took pills to sleep. To forget everything. Why was I even there? I didn't deserve to live. I slept most of the time and when I was awake I had horrible thoughts of ending my life.
    I think by then my parents were starting to suspect something was seriously wrong. My dad took me out on a ride but he had made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was basically forced to go there... But my dad insisted just to talk about the performance anxiety. I gave in but I suspect my dad had already talked to her before. She talked to me for over an hour. And give me a prescription for antidepressants. Which I of course refused to take at first but my parents made sure to shove it down my throat everyday. I was on prosac and I had sessions every week. With a psychiatrist and a psychologist... After a few weeks the medication started working and I felt a bit better. I remember when i went in April, my doc gave me a note to take a semester off. My mom and I went on a trip for about 4 months. I didn't feel truly happy but i wasn't as pathetic anymore.
    I still go to therapy today and I decided to quit taking the medication after two years.
    I am not a different person, I still struggle every day. But I find reasons to live for everyday as well! I don't think I'd even be here if it weren't for medication, therapy and my parents. So my advice to you is to get professional help!

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    • thank you for sharing this inspiring story (: I am going to counseling, and it hasn't helped yet but I hope it does soon (:

  • I often wonder how many people would be able to pull themselves out of depression if the turned their hearts to God.

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  • I'm sorry you went through this. I too went through this during the past few years. I had graduated from a very good college and I had earned myself a car as a graduation gift. I was on my way to graduate school for a masters degree. I was in my prime but it did not feel like it at all. The depression was made worse by the malevolent actions of my graduate school and my ex who emotionally abused me. I had also gained 50 lbs from antidepressants (of which messed up my body). I also had a counselor who was ineffective and made me feel worse than I already felt. Why do you need to knock someone who has had everything taken away from them? I feel I am in a decent place now. Things have become better. I am working a decent job and spend time with positive people. People keep telling me things are only going to get better. I am sorry that we both went through this depression. There was no reason for it.

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    • I agree there is no reason for it. I'm sorry that you had to go through it, it is a huge hassle and it hurts.

    • Well I am glad we are both in better places to talk about our experience. I hope you are experiencing better things.

  • I understand.

    I had depression while I was at school. I self harmed, I tried to commit suicide twice, I used to strange myself and use objects to hit myself in the face. Pain was my way of dealing with emotion and getting what I wanted from life. Every time I strayed, I hit my cuts.
    Unlike you, I didn't have everything. I had nothing. My mother hated me, my dad was an alcoholic, my family kept their distance, I was bullied at school and I was the runt, the stupid one of the family. My parents divorced, after my mum had cheated with a paedophile and offered me to him.

    I got better by myself. Life improved. Me and my boyfriend broke up. I dipped quite badly and got better again.

    Then I was raped. And I never really bothered with it - can't change what happened right?

    And then I got a new apprenticeship. Seemed good except for the pay. And then I started being bullied by my boss and I had no colleagues other than his wife. I was working all day, all night and weekends. I was slipping into my depression, comfort eating and not exercising. The doctors grew concerned for my wish to self harm again. And I was put on anti depressants. My friend passed away and at his funeral I saw my rapist with his girlfriend who has the same first name as me and the surname of my partner. I was referred for counselling.

    I've always been strong but I need anti depressants now because I break down without them. I do my days work and I crawl in bed and cry while my boyfriend holds me and I can't face the night until I've done that.

    Depression isn't fun.

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    • I'm so sorry. Has the counselling helped any? I can't imagine going through even half of what you have. I wish you all the best and hope you never slip back into the dark. ❤

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    • I know. I've been keeping going for about 10 years now. I'll be okay eventually :)

    • Same to you

  • I cried reading this, I need help for my depression like ASAP.

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    • Please go get help. Counseling can help give you hope. If you need someone to talk to just leave a comment and I can message you.

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    • I just followed you, please follow back so I can message you, or message the last person that followed you (:

    • Okay I will follow you and message you!

  • Fuck. I need to get help, now.

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    • If you need to get help I really recommend not waiting! Counseling can give you hope for the future. I wish you all the best ❤

  • Thank you for this. This honestly speaks to my soul

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    • Im so happy that this could help you and so many others (:

  • I'm a lot like this myself. It feels like I'm all alone, that even my boyfriend seems to be ignoring me for two days now. I'm a depressing personality and people really don't want to be around me because to them I'm too insane. It feels like no one understands me.

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    • You will find someone that understands you someday. Good luck (:

    • Thank u :)

  • nice mytake I get social angzity too

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  • I know exactly how you feel. This is the story of my so call life. Depression, self hatred, painfully realizing my life is one huge hole I can't get out of. I don't want this. I want a happy life, one were I enjoy things like my job and spending time with my family. All I do is work and sleep. And I hate my job so much. I go to bed thinking well maybe if I kill myself I won't have to push a tray of food any longer or be belittle and mistreated by my coworkers. But is the only job I could find and I need the money I hate that feeling. Having to do something you hate just so you can eat.

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    • I'm sorry to hear this :( I hope someday you can find a job youu love (:

  • I know what it's like to have depression. I've had depression for 6 years. I didn't really seek help till last year. Once I went to my guidance counselor for help that's when I finally came out of depression. I'm so grateful for everything he's done for me and for saving my life. For 6 long years I went through depression, self harm, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and attempting suicide. I'm proud to say that I no longer go through these things and I am proud of myself for being so strong and a fighter. For anyone going through depression, I know how you feel. I've been there and I know that you probably feel like it's over for you and there is no point in being here but I'm here to tell you that you are stronger than that and you will be able to get through it. Things will get better.

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    • Thank you for this. It's so inspiring to hear that you came through this. (:

    • Thank you :) This was a great take

  • Story of my life been depressed ever since loosing mom at 12 just got worse and worse I'm now 16 I just put on a fake smile and wear it as much as I can but I can't keep it up

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    • I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Try to keep hope. I know that there's always hope. I wish you all the best

  • I'm not really excited about where I'm at in life right now, but I'm not depressed about it either. Just trying to map a way out of this situation, but I think it's going to take a year or so. And that's an aggravating realization, but not a depressing one.

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  • I don't feel depressed but I'm not happy either.. There's only one thing that I miss in my life, but except that nothing is missing.. I can't complain about anything.. I'm just feeling unhappy, I find myself staring at one point, I laugh with my friends and have fun but inside of me I feel empty, I'm not laughing.. Maybe that's all because of that thing I miss in my life I don't know, all I know that I've been feeling this way for a long time now, long enough for me..

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    • I'm sorry. I do think that that might be a mild form og depression. Have you considered seeing a counselor? Sometimes missing an important piece of our life can really hurt us. That's is how I feel sometimes, too.

    • Well even if I go there, he/she will not help me.. Yeah, I can say out loud everything I keep inside of me and feel better but they won't help me, because I don't have a specific problem, I'm just feeling unhappy lately.. That thing, actually person I'm missing is alive, but unreachable for me and maybe that's why I'm feeling this way.. by the way, I hope you'll get better ! :)

    • I feel like we're in the exact same situation. But I hope you get better too (:

  • I've never suffered from depression before and hopefully I will never will some day. All those people that are depressed out there, I'll give you hope and I'll also pray for you :( <3

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  • I'm 21 and I've been suffering for about 9 years now. My diagnosis is Double depression. The biggest thing I can share is to get help, it might be scary at first but once you go and the medicine or therapy starts helping, that is when you will start healing. Thankfully I never went as far as self harm, just belittling myself and suicidal thoughts. I was on medication for a couple years, then stopped it and managed to stay off it for a couple years until I had a major episode where I had the cops called on me. After that I was put on medicine again and took it for another year before I stopped it again. That was 3 years ago and I hope I don't have to go on it again. Your depression seems to be ongoing while mine comes in episodes now. I always write my negative thoughts in a private journal, I paint, and I actually listen to depressing music so I can get myself to cry myself to sleep. It sounds weird but that does help me. I manage to force myself to eat because if I don't I will literally not eat anything. I enjoy just walking outside on a nearby trail and have no problem forcing myself to talk with my family and friends when I'm sad. If I were to give advice to someone, I would tell them to not be afraid to seek help and to not self medicate. (I have no clue how I managed to do it so far) It is normal to have up's and down's in mood, but it is not healthy to stay sad for long, cause it will consume you. The medicine might not take the depression 100% away but It does make it easier to get out of bed. I do a lot of self reflection to see how my depression truly affects me and am horrified at what it does to me.

    I know for a fact I will have episodes for the rest of my life, and I've accepted that. I just hate seeing others suffering this mysterious disease.

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    • Thank you for this. I'm so sorry that you've been dealing with this for so long.

  • Wow, thank you for sharing. This is something I am familiar with. Depression and suicide run in my family. I've definitely self harmed from razors to cigarette burns. It's an awful feeling depression, but it does and can get better.

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    • It runs in my family too. And I'm really sorry to hear that you've experienced this and self harm. But it's also nice to know that you've made it through. Thank you for your support (:

  • currently im also facing many sadnesses in my real life but i thought i was the only depressed girl in the world, i thought i was the only girl whose always facing problems but im not the only one.
    i feel sorry for you i hope you may become the most happiest Girl in the world ! Goodluck

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    • I wish you all the best in starting to feel better, too (:

    • i hope that happens... :) Thanks

  • Tell your family. They can be the people to offer you their time. I know what depression is like. My friend suffers from it. And although she has said that confessing to her family was the hardest and most embarrassing thing to do, it was also the best. They have helped her so much. I know it feels scary, but you have to be brave enough to reach out. You can't just hope that someone will waltz into your life and help you if all you do is lie in bed all day. You have to make it happen.

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    • I'm going to counseling. Telling my family will just make it worse.

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    • I don't. But I know how my friend's family reacted, and I have read/heard many stories online about people being afraid of opening up to their family because of these fears. Like, thinking that they'll just laugh at you, not care at all, turn away from you etc. when in reality they ended up being really supportive. Depression screws with your mind like that, you always start thinking the worst will happen and that people will just think you're crazy, I dunno. But of course there are exceptions when people have horrible families.
      If you truly feel that your family can't handle it, I'm sorry, and I understand that there's not much you can do about it which can be frustrating.

    • Yeah I know what you mean. Sadly my family is one of those rare families that would not understand. Thankfully I have a GaG family that does (:

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