This is more of a rant, something I need to get of my chest anyways;
Every time I go out clubbing, I become a different ‘me’. I dress up real good, I look gorgeous and when I drink I become this flirty girl that loves the attention she gets. When I’m sober I am the opposite, I do not flirt easily and I dislike physical contact or affection.
I know it sounds wrong. But yes I need alcohol in order to try to feel something that is usually not there. Something I long for deep inside, but never truly attain as I cannot even grasp how to let it in my life. Alcohol does not control me, I’m not a compulsive drinker, I don’t drink unless I go to a party and that’s not that often.
But even the biggest amount of liquor, trust me I’ve tried, cannot create the illusion I so long for. Being able to care, to love, to long, to feel….
I’ve come to realize I am a fairly attractive girl, I have a great personality according to the people that know and meet me. I am successful, or so it seems. Some even think of me as the perfect girlfriend (I am far from perfect in my own opinion thought!). Many great guys have passed the revue, I’ve kissed some of them at these parties being utterly drunk, liquor being my disguise for these acts but I damn well know what I am doing. It is my attempt for an escape out of the prison I mentally live in and nobody knows of. I enjoy the chase, but the moment I get their attention, I’m bored. I don’t feel anything, I never do. Not even with the guys I'm friends with.
I do not want to hurt any of those guys and I am honest about what I feel (or the lack thereof) when I feel like they want more. It’s usually not my purpose to lead on guys, but getting such attention it’s the greatest flattery for me. I who always thought I was ugly and with a bad personality.
I wish I felt something, I really do.
It’s like an everlasting conflict between wanting and rejection. I want to touch and love but all I can do is get a taste only to notice it’s bland even perhaps considered somewhat bitter.
Of course there is an underlying problem. A troublesome childhood combined with never having witnessed a good example of what love was supposed to be between a man and a woman. The image of my parents relation haunting my mind, keeping me secured in this loveless and cold-hearted being I’ve grown to be. It has affected me even beyond my own comprehension.
I will solve this problem one day, for sure. I don’t care if I die in solitude, but not even having tried to give love a chance would be a fatal mistake. I’ve have pushed people away way too many times, kept my walls up way too high I really want to let others come close. I really want to try. I am going to try.
Thank you for reading this random rant and sorry if I seem like a total bitch but it feels good to write it down. Thank you once again.