An intoxicated me

An intoxicated me

This is more of a rant, something I need to get of my chest anyways;

Every time I go out clubbing, I become a different ‘me’. I dress up real good, I look gorgeous and when I drink I become this flirty girl that loves the attention she gets. When I’m sober I am the opposite, I do not flirt easily and I dislike physical contact or affection.

I know it sounds wrong. But yes I need alcohol in order to try to feel something that is usually not there. Something I long for deep inside, but never truly attain as I cannot even grasp how to let it in my life. Alcohol does not control me, I’m not a compulsive drinker, I don’t drink unless I go to a party and that’s not that often.

But even the biggest amount of liquor, trust me I’ve tried, cannot create the illusion I so long for. Being able to care, to love, to long, to feel….

I’ve come to realize I am a fairly attractive girl, I have a great personality according to the people that know and meet me. I am successful, or so it seems. Some even think of me as the perfect girlfriend (I am far from perfect in my own opinion thought!). Many great guys have passed the revue, I’ve kissed some of them at these parties being utterly drunk, liquor being my disguise for these acts but I damn well know what I am doing. It is my attempt for an escape out of the prison I mentally live in and nobody knows of. I enjoy the chase, but the moment I get their attention, I’m bored. I don’t feel anything, I never do. Not even with the guys I'm friends with.

I do not want to hurt any of those guys and I am honest about what I feel (or the lack thereof) when I feel like they want more. It’s usually not my purpose to lead on guys, but getting such attention it’s the greatest flattery for me. I who always thought I was ugly and with a bad personality.

I wish I felt something, I really do.

It’s like an everlasting conflict between wanting and rejection. I want to touch and love but all I can do is get a taste only to notice it’s bland even perhaps considered somewhat bitter.

Of course there is an underlying problem. A troublesome childhood combined with never having witnessed a good example of what love was supposed to be between a man and a woman. The image of my parents relation haunting my mind, keeping me secured in this loveless and cold-hearted being I’ve grown to be. It has affected me even beyond my own comprehension.

I will solve this problem one day, for sure. I don’t care if I die in solitude, but not even having tried to give love a chance would be a fatal mistake. I’ve have pushed people away way too many times, kept my walls up way too high I really want to let others come close. I really want to try. I am going to try.

Thank you for reading this random rant and sorry if I seem like a total bitch but it feels good to write it down. Thank you once again.


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What Guys Said 4

  • I'm quite similar, but with regards to friendship too. I always try very hard not to come off as cold, but I only manage that when I'm drunk and the need for affection overrides everything else.

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    • It's a tough thing ain't it. The past 2 years I have improved thought. Just like you I found it rather difficult to even have close friends. It was like no one knew me. I was always ready to leave them, I hope the both of us will be able to overcome our issue's!

    • Yes. I wish you all the best.

  • "I don’t care if I die in solitude, but not even having tried to give love a chance would be a fatal mistake. I’ve have pushed people away way too many times, kept my walls up way too high I really want to let others come close"

    I don't know you, but I know your type, and I'll bet you have not truly been looking for giving love a chance but rather been looking for passion, attention and affection.

    You have issues you need to resolve, and they have noting to do with "love", however nobody here on GaG can help resolving those issues - you may not even be aware of them.

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    • In some ways, yes. But it's not just that, it's difficult to explain. It's this irrational fear that makes it so hard to bond or let someone in emotionally. The thought that someone might like, care for me horrify's me, makes me want to run away. Yet I long for a caring touch. I know I need help, and that gag isn't the place for that type of help. But I'm still in a difficult situation, when I get out of it I will seek counceling. I just wanted to write it down, I felt the need to do so.

    • I understand, it's unfortunately not even uncommon to feel like that. I presumes it's some kind of frear of rejection (like 'I feel nobody can really love me for being me, only my looks are really attractive'), behaps some self-esteem issues.

      It's surprisingly normal for young people today of both genders, I don't know why, something in our society spurs insecurities in our youth.

    • Personally I wouldn't say I'm that insecure. But it's more for what I have grown to learn about love and affection. My entire life I've experienced it as a very negative thing, it was the cause of all sadness, fear and pain. I whitnessed my parents wanting to kill themselfves because of it. I believed as a child and teenager that if I would ever love someone, that the past would be repeated and I could not go through that torture once more. But all those years of trying to be indifferent, and stray away from all that is love, in order to cope with what was going on aren't so easy to overcome. It has gotten better, as in I at least understand love is supposed to be a good thing and that I was wrong. I've already come a long way, and it's going to be even longer from now on but I believe one day I will be able to overcome this. Anyway thank you already for answering :)

  • Have you attempted to seek counciling? The fact is you very much do feel because you want to feel love which means apart of you wants that conection. The isue is you with draw not that you don't feel. I would recommend counciling.

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    • Yes, I've considered it. However I am still stuck in a difficult situation at home. I'm almost moving out, when I do, I will seek professional help.

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    • Okay thank you !

    • Not a problem.

  • I understand how u feel...

    If drinking helps do it, but not too much.

    Just ask someone out, don't be afraid. How did your child hood experiance effect you in what way?

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    • If it were that easy, I wouldn't be having these problems. It's not fear for rejection I really have. It's more of the prospect of someone growing attached to me that I fear. I find it hard to trust others on an emotional level. And that fear is more irrational than anything else.

    • And to answer how it affected me: for example I used to and still am somewhat emotionally numb, in order to cope with all the drama going on at home. I recall my mom once wanting to kill herself while I was at School. A family member contacted me to tell me everything was alright. I just stayed in my class, didn't cry, didn't even feel sad or schocked. After class I even had a blast with my friends. I've gotten used to such situations I no longer care, nor do they affect me. But in other occassions (such as the dead of a loved pet/person) doesn't affect me like it used to anymore. The emotions just dissapear after a couple of hours, like nothing even happened.

What Girls Said 4

  • Can I ask how old you are? Because usually between about 19 to mid-20s a lot of women go through this and it's very normal. You feel there is a part of you that needs to fill a void socially and the best way to do it and get away with it is from partying. I get this, and did this too for a lot of years. That way if things ever went wrong, just blame the drink. It's an easy-out for things that didn't go well. I don't think it's anything to be alarmed about unless you truly feel like your drinking is affecting your life. But to me, it sounds like you want more out of life, and in order to take the risks, getting drunk allows you to get that balance that you can't have while sober. The thing is, there gets to be a time when you get tired of spending the money and getting in to trouble that you naturally will find a way to feel more comfortable without getting drunk. It just takes time to feel a lot more confident that what you do is okay and you slowly start getting in to the I-don't-give-a-shit-anymore chapter of your life. This usually hits right after your mid 20s. Mine happened at about 27, and I know a lot of my female friends were right around the same time. It was nearing the 30s that woke us all up to start finding more strength in who we really were without drinks and drugs and just live our lives normally. I'm not sure how old you are so that's why I'm just generalizing with the 20s for now.

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    • I am indeed 20 years old and some things do sound like me. But this isn't something that stems from my puberty. As a young kid I was already troubled with most of these problems (not the alcohol ofcourse ;p). And honestly I never cared what people thought about me. I've done already a lot of crazy stuff without the use of a substance.

  • Life is one big lesson.

    I hope some day u do find urself and realize that you can be all of those things you wish to do be without a poisoning substance.

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  • I hope you dont go into self annihilation like some gaggers here.

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    • No, in fact it has gotten better than before :) I'm trying to fix me

  • You're insecure and scared of getting hurt, so you psych yourself out in order to not feel anything. And because you're so insecure, you're primarily focusing on getting attention and validation, not a serious relationship.

    Stop flirting with/using guys for attention for a while and try to figure yourself out, get rid of your insecurities and fears. When you're looking for attention and validation, all you're doing is feeding the problem. Digging yourself a deeper hole that will be more and more difficult to get out of.

    I suggest therapy.

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    • I do not know if I want a relationship, I just want to enjoy a hug, a kiss,...
      I've never believed in romance or serieus relationships though. yes therapy will be needed, and I will get it as soon as I'm living on my own. Thank you for your comment

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    • Yes but even that I find difficult :s I want it but when I try to even hug them I feel that they are already to close to me and I get annoyed/disgusted/anxious.

    • Then don't do it.

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