All about self-respect

Self-respect is a hot topic in many different types of discussions, and I would like to share my take on what I believe self-respect is all about. It's a tricky thing though, and I hope I don't offend anyone by expressing my views.

All about self-respect

Sex and Self-respect

This is probably the hottest ongoing debate in terms of how/when/where you can and should respect yourself. Many believe that if you have casual sex (especially as a woman), that you don't have any self-respect. That you don't value yourself and that you're merely letting other people (guys) use you and your body for their own benefit, for their own pleasure. While this might be true in some scenarios, I would still beg to differ. Has it ever occurred to you that there are plenty of women who enjoy the benefits of casual sex, especially those who are not looking for anything serious at the moment? They are not being used. They benefit from the sex just as much as the man does. How are they disrespecting themselves when this is what they want? When this is a setup that works for them? If it works for them, if it's something they consent to, if they are enjoying it, then they still have self-respect.

Now, for the scenarios where I believe you HAVE lost self-respect in terms of sex:

- When you have sex with someone in the hopes of them committing to you, even though they have already told you that it's not going to happen and that they would like to keep it casual forever.
- When you have sex with someone because you want to feel validated and because you want the attention.
- When you cheat on your partner or help someone else cheat on their partner, you are better than that.

Relationships and Self-respect

This is the part where it truly gets tricky. I would like to talk about abusive relationships and the importance of saying no. To sum it up, I do believe that if you let someone use, abuse and hurt you, on the grounds of something like "oh but he loves me, so it's ok" you have lost respect for yourself. You have lost sight of who you are and what's important. However! I'm deeply aware of the fact that it's not always that simple, there are tons of different layers to abuse and toxic relationships, and in many scenarios, the victim of abuse has zero control and it's extremely difficult, if not seriously dangerous, to leave a situation like that. I would like to stress that this does not apply to such situations.

Self-respect is about knowing your boundaries, standing your ground, saying no, not letting yourself be swayed or pressured, not making up excuses for the person who is hurting you. If you always let their happiness come before your own, if you always let them be and feel more important than you, if you always prioritize them over yourself, if you always say yes to everything they say despite not always truly agreeing, if you always sell yourself short for them, you are not respecting yourself. Like I said, this does not apply to extreme cases because I realize that they can be dangerous and out of control. But in a more controlled and not dangerous environment, it's important to stand up for yourself and to know when enough is enough, to know when someone is just using your good nature and pinning you against it. It's hard when it's someone you love who does it, but it's so important to realize that you're worth something, something better than this, and that even though you love that person, your love for yourself is more important. Therefore, letting go is the best option.

This concerns any kind of relationship. It can be a romantic relationship with a partner, a friendship, or the relationship you have with your family/relatives. Don't let others tell you what to do, who to be, how to act, who you're (not) allowed to associate yourself with, what to say, what to wear. Be your own person and respect yourself, respect what you feel is important to you and only respect those who truly deserve it. I know it can be especially hard if the person is a part of your family, because you might feel obligated to love them and see/talk to them regularly. And although your family can be important and something to cherish, remember that it can also be abusive and destructive. In the end, I think blood means nothing if it jeopardizes your physical and mental health. Don't feel forced to keep in touch with someone due to certain circumstances, if they are truly bad for you.


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What Guys Said 11

  • The general idea I've gathered from this take is "women have sexual needs too" + "don't be a co-dependent".

    There will still be sexually abused women and co-dependents though. The rate the world is putting them out exceeds the rate that some grow past these things.

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  • Eh I dont mean to slut-shame girls who have casual sex. Nor do i make it my business to know what other people are doing... but I just do think that a 1 on 1 committed relationship is always the most rewarding. Although its true that people with similar pasts ( both have zero partners before) or (both have have had multiple partners) will probably still be able to relate to each other (assuming the multiple partner couple either are truly over their past partners or have mutually satisfying agreements)...

    I still wish everyone experienced love of having an exclusive partner all for themselves that has been intimate with only them. Of course life isn't ideal and shit happens unfortunately.

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  • "Has it ever occurred to you that there are plenty of women who enjoy the benefits of casual sex, especially those who are not looking for anything serious at the moment? They are not being used. They benefit from the sex just as much as the man does. How are they disrespecting themselves when this is what they want? When this is a setup that works for them? If it works for them, if it's something they consent to, if they are enjoying it, then they still have self-respect"

    I support this and I'm glad that this occurs to other people that women have casual sex because those women want to do it just like a man wanting to sleep with multiple girls no one is using anyone were just having fun :)

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  • yep, but then self-respect or respect doesn't come for being pretty... nobody has to like you if you are loollol.

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  • i didn't know you were still using the site?

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  • i'll have to read this later, but I thought i'd stop by and welcome you back. And yeah i already know its a small comeback for you. I read what you said in the comments :)

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  • I think its -usually- women who say women who have casual sex are lacking self respect.

    Men are more likely to label her as easy.

    They criticize women who have casual sex for completely different reasons.

    1)
    "They benefit from the sex just as much as the man does"

    I agree, but probably for different reasons. In fact I'd actually argue that they potentially benefit MORE than the man does.

    Girls are often able to get casual sex from guys who are somewhat out of her league in regards to looks.

    It's been said that girls who have casual sex often have higher standards (in regards to sexual attraction) for the guys they hook up with than the guys they want relationships with.

    www.m.webmd.com/.../promiscuity-differs-by-gender

    dirtyinpublic.com/.../

    for guys it's the reverse.

    When guys hook up they are often LOWERING their standards. It's sort of like a trade, the guy gets easy sex without commitment but it's with a girl who he's not extremely attracted to.

    The girl is doing a different trade, she's giving a guy sex without expecting any sort of commitment and in exchange she's getting sex from a more attractive guy who would have never slept with her if he was expected to make a commitment first.

    2. Girls who accuse other girls of lacking self respect are usually girls who only have sex in a relationship. They criticize her as lacking self respect for 2 reasons. first is that the girl is giving free sex to a guy who in most cases doesn't give a shit about her and deep down has zero respect for her. The relationship oriented girls could never see themselves doing that so they label the other girl as "lacking self respect" The second is that when there are girls who are offering guys free sex, it makes it harder for the relationship oriented girls to find a guy who is willing to take things slow. So rather than lowering her demands they try to shame and put down the girls who have casual sex.

    3)
    Guys who call girls easy are usually guys who they "easy girls" won't hookup with. Generally the guys who get free easy sex have no complaints. It's usually the guy who the promiscuous girl wants a relationship with who has problems. He has to take her on dates, become emotionally available to her , make a commitment and maybe wait months for sex, something that guys who other guys got for free with little to no effort. So she was easy for guys on tinder or guys she met at parties, but NOT for him. he's got to work for it now.

    For the record I'm not justifying this or saying it's right. I'm just explaining why I think it happens

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    • Valid points, I agree.

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    • I never said that all average looking girls sleep around, nor did I say that it's impossible for attractive girls to have casual sex. I'm just saying that girls who are really beautiful generally have lower partner counts.
      www.hookingupsmart.com/.../

      I have never in my entire life seen a girl refer to a promiscuous guy as "cool" or "boss". I have heard them use player, manwhore, fuckboy, or womanizer. All of which have the same connotation as slut, aka not relationship material.

      Im not saying girl has promiscuous friend automatically equals she is promiscuous too.
      It's just one point, but the more points a girl has the more likely I'd say she's promiscuous.

      As you said most girls will lie about their past so while my method of making asumptuous may not be fool proof, it's still better than asking the girl.

    • @Onlyinit4fun

  • Hey, welcome back @lumos with once again, great content.

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    • Thanks. Although this was a small comeback, I'd still like to not be on gag as much.

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    • Right? Tell me about it. I should seriously consider leaving too because I feel like shit too, reading all the content here. And I am in therapy for related problems, and I feel like if I stay here, it's just going to hold me back from getting over my emotional baggage. At the same time, I already had these issues from before so at this point, GAG can't really make it any worse for me (that's how bad of a state I am at with these topics), so... but nice seeing you again!

    • Thanks. :) I felt like gag made my depression worse though, I was already in a bad place and seeing all the negativity/being constantly scrutinized on here was bad. I'm by no means a lot better but I felt strong enough today to write a little mytake. I hope you start feeling better.

  • Been a while since I've seen you post anything. Been going good with him.

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    • Got bored of gag and the negativity. "Been going good with him."?

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    • What did you mean by "Been going good with him."?

    • I didn't mean to say that.

  • I truly like your take on this matter. I have had to back off on several family members due to their ideals on who I should be and how I should present myself ( more in terms of attitude etc. ) I choose to be me despite their objections so it's a take me as I am or leave me be thing for me

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What Girls Said 7

  • I haven't seen you in a while! Welcome back! And great take, I love it! :)

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  • This was a really great take :) Good job!!

    I 100% agree with everything you wrote here! Self-respect is all about doing what is right for YOU, including when it comes to sex and relationships, as long as you're not hurting anyone.

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  • The is NO time when you should not respect yourself. I don't see how when where you should respect yourself could be under debate. Not seriously.

    However casual sex or whatever sex as long as it's consensual including non coercive or abusive or disrespectful is never disrespecting yourself... It just bothers people doesn't mean it should bother the decide amker. . That's just a trick people try to play in women to control them. It's getting so fucking old like thisand of year lol it has to go can't take it seriously.

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  • I like that Quote from the hell :)

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  • Bravo @lumos ☆♡☆I felt like you wrote this just for people like me! My family is so dysfunctional! Lol. As I struggle to rediscover who I am in mid life, my most earth shattering epiphany has been that I need to stand up to these familiar people. Or stay away.

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  • I agree with you.
    By the way, welcome back @lumos, although I can see it won't be for long. I understand, I'm thinking about taking a rest from the site, myself.

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  • i love this <3 <3

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